This is an article I found regarding long distance from Dr. Psych Mom. My SO and I were long distance, then moved in together, then fell into a sexless relationship. We married anyway.
What do you guys think of this article?
Source: https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/07/1...long-distance/
What do you guys think of this article?
I have seen a remarkably high percentage of clients over my decade in practice that share one interesting issue: they believe that a long-distance courtship set them up for a more disappointing marriage, and/or they feel they did not see what the deeper issues in the relationship were because they were obscured by long-distance.
This is a very intriguing issue, and brings up the following questions:
The satisfaction and productivity that these women (and sometimes men but honestly I see this more in women) get from planning out their phone calls, visits, and eventual life with their partner may prevent them from noticing red flags as they emerge. These are women who are achievement-oriented and don’t like failure. Having a successful long-distance relationship is their goal, and they don’t let red flags (about basic compatibility and the like) to muddy their clear progress toward a goal.
These same Type A and goal-directed personalities, by the way, are often considered “difficult” by their partners once they move in together. They can be perfectionistic, controlling, and have high standards, particularly when they honeymoon stage is over. Often, the man in the relationship has no idea how “controlling” his wife will become, because she was not able to control anything that he did when they were long distance, except for the visiting schedule. This can be a hard pill to swallow. On the other side, these women are often disappointed by how messy or “lazy” their partners are when they move in together.
Further, the people that get into long distance relationships are often both very consumed with the school or work that is keeping them in different places. They have active social lives and meaningful work, and they generally get into good routines with both. The relationship takes up a smaller part of the pie chart of their lives than it would if the partners saw each other every day. This also makes it much easier to ignore red flags, and also for each partner to moderate their behavior during visits and bring their “best self” to the relationship. Later, when the partners live together, underlying issues come to light.
The compatibility issues that I most often see come up in relationships that had a significant long-distance history are in the areas of physical intimacy and overall rigidity. First, physical intimacy: When a couple saw each other once a month, a partner’s low sex drive or touch-aversion could be masked. Also, the adrenaline rush and excitement of these visits likely increased sex drive and lowered physical inhibitions. When the partners move in together, though, low sex drive or touch-aversion cannot be disguised. The higher libido partner often feels there was a bait-and-switch, not understanding that the lower-libido partner genuinely was fine with monthly sex and had no conscious idea how difficult it would be to engage in physical affection/sex more frequently.
In another type of dynamic that I often see, the higher-libido partner ignored that the other never wanted sex even on visits, and somehow convinced themselves that this would change when they were living together. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and unhappiness and bitterness ensue on both sides; the higher libido partner feels lonely and sad, and the lower libido partner feels that they were open about who they were and are no longer accepted for it.
Rigidity is another key struggle for couples who have a long-distance history. One or both partners may have had extensive, rigid routines for self-care, studying, working, sleeping, eating, exercise, and the like. This was not evidence because phone calls and texts worked around these routines, and the routines went by the wayside during infrequent, exciting visits. However, once the couple lives together, the partner who is more laid back may be literally horrified by how rigid the other one is and how closely they follow daily routines. (See this post for example of this type of personality difference.)
The fact that, in this generation, women are just as committed to their careers and schooling as men means that there are going to be more and more long distance relationships. (Earlier, if a man traveled for his career/school, his wife would just come with him. Now, she has her own stuff going on.) This means there needs to be more of a focus on how a long-distance courtship impacts later marriage. I believe that the majority of people would benefit from taking a break instead of doing long distance, especially if it is going to be for more than a year, and seeing if they come back together when they are in the same place. Alternately, if the relationship is strong enough, one can move to where the other lives.
If the couple is strongly committed to long distance, pre-marital counseling, even via video, may be a way to offset some of the later issues of moving in together. A skilled couples counselor can help the couple recognize red flags, or areas of potential concern that may snowball into major conflict once the couple lives together. Rather than shying away from a hard look at their incompatibilities, couples need to think of pre-marital counseling as a way to potentially divert them from a later divorce, which would be much more traumatic than the breakup of their long distance relationship.
If you have difficulty in your marriage after a long-distance courtship, you are certainly not alone. Couples counseling can help you understand how dysfunctional, disappointing patterns emerged and are maintained currently. Therapy can also help you understand that your partner is not trying to be difficult, and in fact they were the same person from the get-go, only this was obscured by the long distance set-up, the honeymoon stage, and (likely) your own desire to avoid confronting issues.
This is a very intriguing issue, and brings up the following questions:
- Is there some underlying variable shared by people who would do long distance that sets them up to be unhappier in relationships in general?
- What red flags can be observed even in long distance relationships that partners should pay attention to if they want to eventually marry and live in the same house?
- Would deciding NOT to do long distance be a better choice for most people? If so, which people and in which situations?
- Is there a way to moderate the impact of long distance on the later relationship? Some way to set up long distance partners to succeed later on?
The satisfaction and productivity that these women (and sometimes men but honestly I see this more in women) get from planning out their phone calls, visits, and eventual life with their partner may prevent them from noticing red flags as they emerge. These are women who are achievement-oriented and don’t like failure. Having a successful long-distance relationship is their goal, and they don’t let red flags (about basic compatibility and the like) to muddy their clear progress toward a goal.
These same Type A and goal-directed personalities, by the way, are often considered “difficult” by their partners once they move in together. They can be perfectionistic, controlling, and have high standards, particularly when they honeymoon stage is over. Often, the man in the relationship has no idea how “controlling” his wife will become, because she was not able to control anything that he did when they were long distance, except for the visiting schedule. This can be a hard pill to swallow. On the other side, these women are often disappointed by how messy or “lazy” their partners are when they move in together.
Further, the people that get into long distance relationships are often both very consumed with the school or work that is keeping them in different places. They have active social lives and meaningful work, and they generally get into good routines with both. The relationship takes up a smaller part of the pie chart of their lives than it would if the partners saw each other every day. This also makes it much easier to ignore red flags, and also for each partner to moderate their behavior during visits and bring their “best self” to the relationship. Later, when the partners live together, underlying issues come to light.
The compatibility issues that I most often see come up in relationships that had a significant long-distance history are in the areas of physical intimacy and overall rigidity. First, physical intimacy: When a couple saw each other once a month, a partner’s low sex drive or touch-aversion could be masked. Also, the adrenaline rush and excitement of these visits likely increased sex drive and lowered physical inhibitions. When the partners move in together, though, low sex drive or touch-aversion cannot be disguised. The higher libido partner often feels there was a bait-and-switch, not understanding that the lower-libido partner genuinely was fine with monthly sex and had no conscious idea how difficult it would be to engage in physical affection/sex more frequently.
In another type of dynamic that I often see, the higher-libido partner ignored that the other never wanted sex even on visits, and somehow convinced themselves that this would change when they were living together. Of course, this doesn’t happen, and unhappiness and bitterness ensue on both sides; the higher libido partner feels lonely and sad, and the lower libido partner feels that they were open about who they were and are no longer accepted for it.
Rigidity is another key struggle for couples who have a long-distance history. One or both partners may have had extensive, rigid routines for self-care, studying, working, sleeping, eating, exercise, and the like. This was not evidence because phone calls and texts worked around these routines, and the routines went by the wayside during infrequent, exciting visits. However, once the couple lives together, the partner who is more laid back may be literally horrified by how rigid the other one is and how closely they follow daily routines. (See this post for example of this type of personality difference.)
The fact that, in this generation, women are just as committed to their careers and schooling as men means that there are going to be more and more long distance relationships. (Earlier, if a man traveled for his career/school, his wife would just come with him. Now, she has her own stuff going on.) This means there needs to be more of a focus on how a long-distance courtship impacts later marriage. I believe that the majority of people would benefit from taking a break instead of doing long distance, especially if it is going to be for more than a year, and seeing if they come back together when they are in the same place. Alternately, if the relationship is strong enough, one can move to where the other lives.
If the couple is strongly committed to long distance, pre-marital counseling, even via video, may be a way to offset some of the later issues of moving in together. A skilled couples counselor can help the couple recognize red flags, or areas of potential concern that may snowball into major conflict once the couple lives together. Rather than shying away from a hard look at their incompatibilities, couples need to think of pre-marital counseling as a way to potentially divert them from a later divorce, which would be much more traumatic than the breakup of their long distance relationship.
If you have difficulty in your marriage after a long-distance courtship, you are certainly not alone. Couples counseling can help you understand how dysfunctional, disappointing patterns emerged and are maintained currently. Therapy can also help you understand that your partner is not trying to be difficult, and in fact they were the same person from the get-go, only this was obscured by the long distance set-up, the honeymoon stage, and (likely) your own desire to avoid confronting issues.