Working around my pride and money issues...

[kteire]

I've submitted my visa documents to move to the UK, and I'm excited!
But... My SO and I are planning to close the distance in April or May, and I'm hoping to work out certain issues before we move in together... but I don't know how to go about it.
Basically, I've been financially independent since the age of 18, but when I move to the UK, I'm goingt to be taking a massive pay cut (I'll be making about 40% of what I make now...). My SO is in a good career, and when we move in together, he'll be making at least 4 times what I'll be making. He and I are both the sort to want to split things 50/50, and I have a hard time knowing that I'll have to contribute less to our rent and food - we'll be moving to London... and I'll likely be making minimum wage. He's fine with paying more for rent, but he's going to have more money than me for his own spending, and that will be hard on us. He's never really had financial hardship as the tuition is very cheap in Ireland, and right after he graduated he started at a well-paying job. I have a good chunk of student loans that I'm slowly paying off, and while I'm ok financially, I rarely have extra money sitting around. He wants to go on all these big trips with me, but after paying for rent, food, loan payments, etc, I won't have much to save up.
I don't think I'd be ok with him paying for more than me, and with him being so keen on the idea of splittings things evenly, I don't know how he'd react to me having less money when we're living together. Ideally this will just be short-term until I head back to school and build my portfolio, but it could be challenging for the first year or two of living together.
So... has anyone else faced issues like this when closing the distance? And any advice on strategies for splitting costs? I don't know if I should just swallow my pride and accept whatever he wants to pay for... but I hate not contributing enough!!

[ioanna]

i had written an insanely long reply and the internet monsters ate it up!

summing things up, i know what you're going through, as i'm going through the same thing, in preparation for going CD.

splitting everything 50/50 is mayeb what you're used to, but you might be ok spliting your budget expenses differently. one idea is to assign a % of your income to cover for foor rent and utilities; say maybe 50% of yours and his would cover it all for instance ( if your total needed budget it 1500$ , he earns 2000$ while you earn 1000$, 50% of both your incomes would cover for it)
another strategy would be to split the items you cover for. for instance, he pays for rent and cable, while you pay for gas and food (of course after esimating your needs and being sure it fits ok with your respective earnings.)

my SO and I went on a trip last year. he payed for our flights and hotel while i payed for our food and transportation. he ended up paying three times what i did but it worked for us, each one of us took full responsability for each item he was providing for, and we both felt eaqually resposible.

[kteire]

Oh thank you! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one haha. Those are really good tips, at least if I'm contributing proportionately as much, I could handle it haha! I'll try to talk to him about doing that, but he'll probably think I'm thinking a bit too far in advance. I tend to do that :P

[lucybelle]

This is definitely something you two need to talk about and decide before you move in together. While my SO and I were in the USA, I was working so I paid rent, bills, and most of food and gas. He chipped in for food and gas maybe every other week. It was only fair because he wasn't working at all. When we went on trips and out to eat, we would split or I would pay.

Now, I'm the one not working and he is. He's now paying rent, bills, and we split food and gas. I have much more money saved up than him, but we say we don't count that as spending money. That's still my money.

Each situation is different. Decide what is fair and do that!

[Miramaid]

i do not know and never been in the situation, but i think when a relationship gets to that lever there is really no "mine" and "yours" any more financial wise. There is only "ours". I say that joint account is a solution. Put all the $ together, pay all the bills, then together decide how you both spend the rest of the money. It is logical and reasonable. You are now not just two individuals, you are a COUPLE. One entity.

[kteire]

Yeah, I really do need to talk to him about this, haha. I was going to bring it up when we were skyping this evening, but I'd prefer to sit down and talk about that in person. I'm not sure that I'd be comfortable combining our incomes yet, but I know we'll have to have a joint bank account for when he applies to become a permanent resident in Canada. I'd like to get to the point of having just "our" money some day, but maybe gradually working our way there!
I'm glad to know that other people have worked through these issues though, money issues are the thing that stress me out more than anything. I guess a lot of that will be easier once I do have a job over there and have more of an idea of what I'll be making.

[Mara]

I think it's good to talk about how you are going to manage finances and expenses way beforehand so then less problems arise. When my SO and I lived together, I made substantially less money then he did for quite some time so he paid the majority of the bills while I chipped in what I could. When we went out we'd split things or he would pay. We talked about everything pretty extensively though and I think that helped to lessen any disagreements about money or bad feelings. I grew up in a household where disclosing how much money you have seemed sort of crude, but I learned to do so with my SO when we were living together because even though it wasn't "our" money per se, we had expenses and knowing how much the other made or had helped to manage better.

[LeilaniJoi]

i do not know and never been in the situation, but i think when a relationship gets to that lever there is really no "mine" and "yours" any more financial wise. There is only "ours". I say that joint account is a solution. Put all the $ together, pay all the bills, then together decide how you both spend the rest of the money. It is logical and reasonable. You are now not just two individuals, you are a COUPLE. One entity.

I agree. We went CD in April and while we do not have a joint account as yet, the paychecks when they come in are "ours" and we pay "our bills" and discuss anything else we want/need. It's worked well for us. Half the time I have his debit card and the rest of the time he has mine - with known pins. It's about trust and if I can't trust him with my bank account then I don't need to be here. Actually, I'm better with money than he is so he just hands me his card when he gets paid each week or so... we pay bills then still discuss the rest.

If you are thinking long term with this then it's only logical. I spent 8 years in a marriage where we split everything and it just serves to drive you apart. If you are a couple and living together then you are a bit farther along than just "dating" where splitting things would make more sense.

[kteire]

I guess then maybe that's something I should consider! I am just uncomfortable with the idea of it right now, as I feel my student debt is my own burden and I don't want to pay for that with "our" money. I guess eventually I might have to, so I'll see what my SO's take on this is. It is in our best interest for that to get paid off for our future together anyways!
See, I was brought up always talking about money and how much people make, whereas he wasn't, so he's always a bit surprised when I bring up money matters. It's a bit of a funny adjustment, but we're trying to meet halfway on it!