We've Closed The Distance.. Now What?

[crzycoookies]

This is probably best for the alumni section, but I haven't joined it on the forum yet and this is kind of an emergency post because I'm feeling blue right now. My boyfriend and I have been living together now for over a year after nine months of LDR. We met online, he's from Miami, I'm from Northern Indiana. He moved to me. Why? Because when he moved I was only 17, thus unable to legally move, and I already had all my plans for school, etc. He was 21 and was working a decent paying yet dead end job. We just couldn't do the whole LDR thing anymore, it was too hard.

He's starting to miss his family.

He and his family are very close and tight-nit, like most Hispanics are. Moving out-of-state from your family is just something most Hispanics don't do, and he grew up thinking he was going to live near his family forever.

My mom split up with her husband awhile ago. I feel like I'm all she has now, aside from my little sisters. I don't want to just leave her.

Our birth son, who we gave up for adoption due to the situation we were in when he was born, lives here in Indiana. We get to see him twice a year.. That will all go away if we move.

I'm in college, though I'd kind of rather be attending a college that is in Florida. I'm currently going for a veterinary technician degree, Santa Fe in Gainesville has a teaching zoo where I can get a Zoo Animal Technology degree, which is much more appealing to me.

He doesn't know what he wants to do yet. He found a job here, but he hates it.

Realistically I will find better work in my preferred field(exotic animals) in Florida, but realistically the living cost differences between here and there are night and day. It is dirt cheap to live in Northern Indiana. Doing what I will be doing, I don't think I will earn enough money to live in Miami.

Bottom line? We feel like neither of us will ever be completely happy because we won't both be able to live around our families, so we should just break it off before we make it any more complicated(marriage? kids? living on our own?).

Anyone have any advice?

[nic&matt]

1.) Does he make you happy? Aside from everything else, when you're alone with him, does he make you feel the most amazing person in the world?
2.) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not what you want to hear, I understand, but hard times like this don't go on forever and ever. It will pass and something will have to work out. Maybe looking into a sort of job you can get summer's off (same with him) so you can spend part of the year in Indiana and the other part with his family. That way you see your son, your family, and his family throughout the year.
3.) What does he think? You can't be the only one coming up with solutions. He'll feel either A. excluded B. unimportant in the decision or C. completely out of your life

I'm sorry to hear all of this
Hang in there. Be open to all possibilities and don't give up just yet!

[crzycoookies]

He definitely makes me happy. Granted, we argue a lot, but I think it's good for us LOL. We are both very opinionated and hard-headed so I think it's the only way we can let off our steam. One thing that worries me is that when we argue, he tells me he wants to go back home because I am the only reason he is up here and when we argue it feels like he can't even have me. But other than that, he is amazing, and he makes me feel amazing.

It's really hard to see an end to this kind of suffering. It's tolerable, but only for so long I'd imagine. I just don't see a happy solution anywhere in the future. We were talking about it last night, and he said himself: Isn't it crappy that no matter what(whether we stay here or move there, if we go our separate ways), we won't be happy? We won't be happy without each other, and we can't be completely happy with each other.

Our opinions and thoughts about this are completely identical. We can see pros and cons for staying here, going there, or cutting it off, although obviously the most cons/least pros in splitting up. We lost many hours of sleep last night in bouts of quiet thought and sharing our ideas/opinions. ): The only career I can think of that offers summers off is teaching, and I know that is not the job for me. Perhaps him. I'm way open to different career suggestions that offer that type of schedule though.

One thing I am looking into right now is having my mom, sisters, and "ex" step dad move to Gainesville with us. It's the only option I've been able to come up with, and my partner likes the concept but doesn't really believe it's possible. I still have to think about the living costs and our birth son, not to mention how we will all find jobs there, a house big enough for such co-habitation, and a house that will allow the furry/slimey/scaley members of the family also because I am not very inclined to just give them up like that.

[weetzie]

Honestly I would go with him to FL for a while, get a job there, see what happens, and try to come back to IN as often as possible to visit your child and your mom. Call her a lot and maybe skype with her, just the way you would do in a LDR, to let her know you're there for her.

[lucybelle]

Well, one of the things that sucks about an LDR, someone's going to have to move away from their family. My SO is Hispanic too and is 30. Before he moved to me in the States, he had never lived anywhere but his parent's house. So for him, it was troubling. My SO's family is also in a pretty huge financial crisis at the moment. He feels like he needs to be here to help them and guide them. In the time he was living with me in the States, he flat out told me he would never want to live outside of Costa Rica again.

So I moved here for him. And I looove my family. And he loves my family. My family is freaking awesome. It totally blows not being around them, but I decided I would rather be with my SO away from my country, than in my country and away from my SO. Can you make that decision?

Reading your post, it seems to me that the one main reason for staying where you are is visiting your child. Is there anyway that the adoptive parents can send you letter and picture updates instead? Maybe a piece of their work from school?

[Zephii]

I hear you. Obi and I had the exact same problem - just with a bigger distance

Firstly - budget trips home for whoever is away from their family. It's a necessity not a holiday so make it a priority.

Secondly - Do you have to settle down in one place? The only solution Obi and I can work with (and it's not ideal by far) is to not settle. To build a life between two coutries, and hop between them. He always said he would never leave his family/friends/country for me, and I tried to do it for him and I hated it, I can't do it. Even now we are long distance again, I know in my heart if I had to live in Canada forever I would have to let him go. So, this is our compromise. Every few years we will switch countries. It boggles the minds of all our family and friends. It's expensive. I've had to look into a different carrer, and wont be able to do uni, the works. But for us, this solution is the best one. We will always be with one of our families. We will take turns sharing the burden of being away from 'home'.
So, look outside the box for a solution. Some people move halfway between. Some people move somewhere completely different so both people 'suffer' and it's 'fair'.

Lastly - Everything takes sacrifices. You can't take two different people, smash their lives together and have a happily ever after - lots of things need to shift to accomodate that other person. So, both of you make a list. What is negotable and what isn't? What are you willing to give up to barter for the things you want. Remember that most of the time a situation becomes what you make of it, but you need to be strong to make something of it. Good luck!