Question for the Alumni!

[DemonxOisin]

Hello to you all

I´ve seen a couple of people on here talking about how things are now that they have closed the distance with their SO. And a lot of those comments seem to be about not seeing their SO enough, because you are both so busy with work/school/what have you, trying to make ends meet. And then of course, there is the sadness of leaving family members behind and such. Basically, a lot of the comments I´ve seen about closing the distance have been negative!

So I was wondering, to those of you who have closed the difference, was/is it worth it? Does it make things easier or more difficult? And what advice or comments can you give those of us who have yet to do so?

[mllebamako]

Yes. For me, it is worth it. But that doesn't mean that it is easy. For us, it is not so much the time/work thing that's a struggle. We're both working but our schedules are quite similar so we usually have all evening/night together.

The struggles for us have been more of the how-to-fit-2-lives/personalities-together type. In this regard, things were a lot easier when we were LD. We didn't have daily crap (money, housework, etc, etc) to have to work through. We could just get on skype and talk about our days and log off. Now, we are actively working on our relationship to find compromises and to understand each other. I don't know if I would say that closing the distance makes things harder, but it definitely makes them hard in a different way.

Plus, like you mentioned, I really miss my family and then there are just added stresses that come from living in a different culture and trying to make your own life there so you are not totally dependent on your SO.

But like I said, for me the struggles are worth it. It's worth it because I get to be with him everyday. We get to learn from each other. it's worth it because I wouldn't want to struggle like this with anyone else.

I guess the only advice I have is DON'T expect that closing the distance will be easy or will make things perfect or will be all rainbows and cupcakes. I had made the mistake of not really thinking beyond closing the distance. I was counting down to that moment but I didn't reflect on how things would be after that and it all came as kind of a shock and definitely weighed heavily on our relationship.

[Zephii]

What she said ^

I'm not currently CD, but we pulled it off for a two years so I'm going to be arrogant enough to reply! (Because it's easier than working on my NaNo lol)

It is hard. People here seem to think closing the distance will solve all their problems, but it wont. It just gives you a different set of problems to work with. For me personally I found it gave me much higher expectations of my SO than I would have had if we'd started CD. I gave up so much to be with him, and he was all I had for a long time - so I expected him to make that worth my while, and that was hard on him.

Yes, it's worth it. For a little while there though, I wasn't sure. I've deffinantly faced a war where my love for him was rivalled by my love for my country and family. I truly believe even if I had no family here in Australia I would still pine for this country. (Possibly for religious reasons that we wont go into.) Having to go LD again has taught me a lot. It has shown me that it is 100% worth it. If I have to be here without him, then I don't want to be here. I would rather live in a country I hate with the man I love than in the country I love with someone who's second best to him.

Hmm. Easier or more difficult? That's a hard one. I'll have a clearer response once he's lived here with me for a while over here because I wont have the underlying unhappiness that I do while I'm in Canada, that's for sure. But, for now I'm going to say it's neither - it's just different.
Yeah, it's hard to balance work and time together - but you have to do that when you're LD too. It's also hard to make ends meet, and you have to budget trips to see friends and family that are left behind - But, that's not unlike being LD either. Working together on the relationship can be hard, true, but it's also very rewarding. The main difference I see is that there is a unique romance inherant in LDRs. If you don't pull out all the stops, do those sweet things for each other, go out of your way a bit to make each other feel special, than really all you have is a pen-friend. But when you're CD there are so many other things. You can get away with a few hugs and kisses, you don't need to try ass hard - and that can cause problems because people get lazy and sooner or later one or both people are going to feel like something is missing in the relationship.

Advice would be: You can never do too much planning or too much talking. Know what to expect and be realistic. Talk about the things that may be hard, try to anticipate some situations together, and discuss how those things should be delt with. Realise that there is a huge amount of pressure put on the person that doesn't move - it's not smooth sailing for that person any more than it is for the person who leaves their world behind.
Do things to remind yourselves why you like each other. Plan to spend time together - make it a priority.

And learn to talk about money early. Money is a bane to most relationships. Some people hate talking about it even to their partners, they don't want to give that level of trust and commitment, or they have completely different spending habits and life goals - work it out before you move in together! It might seem like everything is 50/50, and your money is seperate but that's an illusion. Eventually you begin to see that it's the same pool of resources. That if one of you runs out of money the other person is going to end up buying milk and bread even if it's not their "turn." And in cases where one partner earns a lot more than the other, huge imbalances can occur in the relationship if one person isn't willing to share their wealth or isn't willing to accept what they may see as charity.

Talking about how much time you expect together when living CD is good too. How much every day time and how much quality time. What are your preferred after-work routines? What are you going to do to have fun together? It seems dumb, but that was a difficult one for us - we'd always gone straight to our PCs in our free time - it was our only way to be together, so once we were actually together we didn't know what to do to have fun that wasn't at a desk.

Please excuse my ramble haha

[lucybelle]

Was it worth it? Hands down, absolutely, yes. Before we closed the distance, we really hadn't spent that much time together. Although we had "been" together for almost 2 years, we had only physically been with each other for about 2.5 weeks. So I was really skeptical whether or not things would work out between us, and whether it was even worth it to continue in a relationship. When he moved to me in the states, things were fabulous. He took care of me, cleaned the house, did the laundry, everything. I worked and paid the bills. He didn't mind staying at home all day and just doing little things. Now that I've moved here, the roles have reversed. He's working/paying bills, I'm the housewife. And it drives me batty. Maybe because I feel like I'm a progressive woman, and to be in the stereotypical role really bothers me. Of course it's only fair, but I still don't like it. But I'm trying really hard to get a job for the next school year (Jan) so that should help with my feminist issues, but will certainly cause other ones (no one to do all the cleaning during the day).

I knew before moving in with my SO that his work schedule was going to bother me. It'd be one thing if he had a normal 9-5 Mon-Fri job. But he also works weekends, holidays, and sometimes until 8pm at night (like today). I guess I got so used to him always being with me during those 6 months in the USA, that him being away at work so much is hard to get used to. But I'm trying.

My real advice in closing the distance is to have back up plans. When my SO moved in with me we had the "What if we break up" talk. When I moved down here, we had the "what if I can't find a job" talk. So I feel sort of comforted knowing that if this relationship does hit the fan, then I'll still have something to do and somewhere to go.

And about missing my family/country, of course I do. But every day I learn to love CR a little bit more. I try really hard to find something awesome that happened every day. I focus on the things I know I would miss if I left. Like there's these plants called dormilonas that when you touch them they curl up. And they're everywhere! They're like weeds here! But I think they're fabulous and beautiful. I've learned to be away from my fam/friends, so that's not as much as a big deal as not being in my home country. I get pretty frustrated sometimes when I don't have "my" things. Like in the states I was totally set up. I had a full kitchen, furniture, a nice apartment, a car. Here we are having to start from scratch. It's hard and it's expensive. Like all I want are some goddam non stick pans. The other day when I was cooking I almost threw a pan across the kitchen because everything was sticking to it and it DRIVES ME CRAZY BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WASH THIS PAN! jaja But when times like that happen, I think about the dormilonas. And how I'd never see them in the states.

Dormilonas, in case anyone is interested

[13000km]

Dormilonas, in case anyone is interested

Ooh mimosas (or touch-me-nots)! These are considered weeds in Singapore. But so much fun! You made me miss them. /:

Was it worth it? Yes.
I think the ladies above have mentioned all the struggles that come with closing the distance. Money is a big one for us since I haven't gotten a job yet so we're living off his paycheck and tip and my savings, which isn't very safe. It also took time for me to get used to the different things that had become so normal in LD it took me awhile to register that I didn't need them anymore now that we're CD, like texting everytime we had a chance or going to sleep with him by my side/on skype (we're not living together). And homesickness. /: I still cry myself to sleep every few days.

Despite all of this, closing the distance has allowed us to grow stronger as a couple, helped us learn how to rely on each other. You know the times when things are getting hard and all you really need is a hug from your SO? Now, I can get them. (:

[Engel]

Yes. For me, it is worth it. But that doesn't mean that it is easy. For us, it is not so much the time/work thing that's a struggle. We're both working but our schedules are quite similar so we usually have all evening/night together.

The struggles for us have been more of the how-to-fit-2-lives/personalities-together type. In this regard, things were a lot easier when we were LD. We didn't have daily crap (money, housework, etc, etc) to have to work through. We could just get on skype and talk about our days and log off. Now, we are actively working on our relationship to find compromises and to understand each other. I don't know if I would say that closing the distance makes things harder, but it definitely makes them hard in a different way.

Plus, like you mentioned, I really miss my family and then there are just added stresses that come from living in a different culture and trying to make your own life there so you are not totally dependent on your SO.

But like I said, for me the struggles are worth it. It's worth it because I get to be with him everyday. We get to learn from each other. it's worth it because I wouldn't want to struggle like this with anyone else.

I guess the only advice I have is DON'T expect that closing the distance will be easy or will make things perfect or will be all rainbows and cupcakes. I had made the mistake of not really thinking beyond closing the distance. I was counting down to that moment but I didn't reflect on how things would be after that and it all came as kind of a shock and definitely weighed heavily on our relationship.

That, that, that.



we had more fights cd than we ever had ld. it took us a long time to learn how to deal with the daily problems. you cant just get off line, or not login if you are having a bad day, you are there, for better or worst. and now we got to the better part, where we know how to solve things and not fight for stupid stuff, but it was hard at first.


was it worthy it? def yes!!!

[Sav88]

Well I think, even though we don't see each other as much during the week, it's still great to be there when he comes home instead of being in a different country, different time zone etc. I love the fact we can sleep in the same bed every night and watch tv together. We have unlimited talk and we both know where each other are! There are endless positives with closing the distance. We are much closer and our love has grown with every day and night

[Engel]

@Sav88


sleeping in the same bed has got to be one of the best things on closing the distance. ditto on that.

[LeilaniJoi]

Absolutely yes worth it. Even having to work through the rough spots and learning to be a couple without the distance.

[weetzie]

It's definitely worth it for me. It's only been a month so far, but it's nice to have his support - both financially and emotionally. I'm still getting used to his quirks, etc. and I hope it works out in the end, but I wouldn't trade this for anything.