Finally gave in and looking for support

[thebadlydrawnfox]

Because I like to maximise the obstacles in my life (it builds character or something), I have put myself in the following position. I am currently:

1) In my first relationship;
2) In my first serious relationship;
3) In a long-distance relationship that spans 4,500 miles;
4) In a long-distance relationship where that distance cannot be closed for at least another two years for practical reasons (we have been together a year and a half already);
5) In a relationship with someone who has a number of mental health problems with which I lack the experience needed to offer the best possible support.

Just one of these would be enough to build a bit of character given I have difficulty forming close relationships and suffer some level of social anxiety (mild enough that I am disinclined to call it a disorder, but present enough that I feel quite nervous about even joining an online community), but I am facing them all at once and it can be incredibly overwhelming at times. After this, I am going to have a character so built, it oils up and flexes for trophies.

I kind of want to tackle these obstacles individually in writing because that’s something I can’t do in real life. I want to separate, examine, and piece back together the challenges I’m facing, and I’d love to do this by hearing from others who’ve experienced the same things. What I'm planning to do, if I can, is post separately about each of these things and prompt discussions, but I thought to start off I'd lay myself bare.

So here I am. After eighteen months of only going to my partner with questions (I don't really discuss my relationship with friends), I have finally given in and sought outside help. Hi, everybody! Tell me a little about you

[Svenja]

Hi!
Welcome to the Forum, I'm a newbie here myself, and eager to get started!
I think it's very brave and a great step that you have managed to come here and open up about yourself (and after long years of being bullied back in high school, I know that can be difficult). The fact that you're here already says a lot about the level of commitment you want in your relationship, which is another good thing.
Regarding 3 and 4, I am pretty much in the same boat as you, but I have found while browsing this forum, that there are many people in committed LDRs, that have absolutely no idea when they can close the distance (I admire these people greatly).
1 and 2 I think shouldn't really be considered obsticals necessarily - they are facts of your relationship and just because this relationship is your first, does not mean that it is any less serious than someone else's second, third, or fourth. In fact, I think it only becomes a problem if either of you decides to become 'adventurous', but again that can happen in any other relationship, too and is an issue that we all have to cope with to an extent.
With 5 I don't really have much experience, but if your SO has these mental health problems, then they should be seeing a professional for help, and they will bring the needed experience, thats what they're there for. You, as you wrote, are indeed there to support him, but in a case like this, I would not confuse support with professional help. And along that line of reasoning, I'm not sure if you really need all that much 'experience'. I think it may be important for your SO to have someone they can talk to that is not psychoanalysing them, but loves them unconditionally nonetheless. If I were you, I would simply reassure my SO of my love, however often necessary, and be there when they need me.
If you are still in doubt, you may want to consider talking to someone yourself, describing the situation between you and your SO and asking them for some advice on how to deal with any issues that may arise specifically from your SO's health problems...
Alright, I hope that helped a little!

[stephanieaz]

Hi there! Welcome to LFAD. You will find a lot of great support here. I am glad you joined.

My name is Stephanie. I work in the mental and behavioral health field, although I am NOT a medical professional. I may be able to give you non-medical advice, such as ways to support your SO or other insights. If you are interested or have any specific questions or concerns that you would like to talk about, you can always PM me and I will do my best to help.

[jdwate]

Hi. Welcome to LFAD. We'll try our best to support you.

[kria]

Welcome to LFAD! I, like you, am in my first relationship, first serious relationship, and it is a long distance relationship that spans almost the same as yours. Mine spans 4,300. Close enough. Anyway, we will all support you to the best of our abilities just don't be afraid to ask any type of question no matter how amazing or stupid you think it sounds.

[rixue]

Welcome to LFAD!

[Amelia]

Welcome...always willing to provide support, with your number 5 reason are you able to say what mental health disorder your SO has?...it just might help with other people who have a SO or family member or friend who might have the same disorder

Also goodluck with your LDR

[Romeo s Juliet]

welcome i hope you find the help you want in here.

I am same as you, this is my first serious relationship, and my first relationship ever. we used to have 4200 miles between us and that distance was between us for 1.5 years. now we live in the same city much more closer. and yes i panic alot, and i have anxiety. and my partner was always being understanding of it, even when we lived 4200 miles away it is all worth it you can do it and when you close the distance its all going to make you feel yes we did it
good luck to you!

[thebadlydrawnfox]

Wow, thank you everyone for the welcome and for the advice; I'm already feeling like I'm less adrift just hearing your success stories and getting your advice and offers for support Given how generous you are being with me - a stranger - I can see why you all have what it takes to make a LDR work.

Svenja: Thank you for calling me brave for opening up; it did feel like a massive step, but I'm glad I took it. I am seeing more and more when I browse the forum how lucky I am and how strong a position I am in by knowing that we will be trying to close the gap in two years (this is our own deadline, we have no idea how long it will actually take). It really gives me a lot of perspective, perspective I didn't really get from seeing all my friends in proximal relationships.

With it being my first relationship, the main obstacle is really to do with confidence. I can't help but wonder what my SO's previous partners were like and how I measure up given I am doing everything for the first time. As with all things, relationships take practice to get right, and the distance can make that practice difficult. I'll admit I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say 'adventurous' - I would guess you either mean that if one of us wants to try being with someone else, or if one of us reveals a sexual interest that might not be compatible?

My SO has been getting regular professional help for his mental health problems for some years, and luckily hit on medication that really helps him not long after we met. For me, it's more a case of not knowing what to expect and prepare myself for, and how I can best be supportive like you said. Speaking to a professional myself is a really good idea, though. It would be great if my SO and I got to do that together at some point.

Stephanie: Thank you so much for that offer, I think I may very well take you up on it!

Amelia: My SO remains undiagnosed, but has symptoms from a number of different mental health disorders (including PTSD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder Type II). I think part of the reason I've struggled to find advice when searching is because I don't really know what behaviours I'm looking for advice about. Any advice about the individual disorders would be great, if other people are in the same position. And other people must surely have SOs who are likewise undiagnosed but seeking treatment, or may be the person seeking treatment themselves, so hopefully we can find each other and share our experiences.

Romeo s Juliet: That's a relief! It's so reassuring to hear that it isn't just me that made such a seemingly risky leap on their first go, and especially to hear that it worked out for you! I'd love to hear more about you and your LDR as an example to me for how it could potentially work out

[redapple]

welcome to LFAD! im with you on 1 and 2 but 3 for me is more like 9000miles! LFAD makes it that little bit easier though. i hope you find the support your after, great to have you along!