How do you do this?!

[aliciaJ3235]

My name is Alicia (Missouri). I am 33. Jay and I have been dating off and on for 2 years. We are crazy about each other, but tried to keep it simple and casual because we knew he'd move to Australia for work. Mostly, I wanted to keep it simple because I didn't want to deal with the breakup. The move took longer than expected. He left a month ago, and I am learning to navigate the LDR. We hadn't planned on trying to make it work. He is absolutely the worst at talking on the phone. He can e-mail (sort of), but mostly, we are just happy when we are together. I've always teased him about his phone skills, it's pure business. He always laughed with me about it, but now it is really tough. We are probably going to see each other twice before the end of the year. The distance makes travel so expensive--2100 per flight! I feel that we have to push through because I discovered that I was pregnant 2 weeks before he left. We love each other. He wants to come back in a year when his contract is up. But he is devastated about giving up his amazing career. I told him that he didn't have to, that I am not asking him to give up his life. He still insists wants to do it, but he is in so much turmoil our communication is almost non existent. We thought we would try again in 5 years after he traveled the world, but at this point, it is now or never. He withdrew, working 12-13 hour days, keeping busy the rest of the time. That's what he does when he is stressed. I got so tired of waiting to hear from him that I just told him I needed a break from waiting. I told him not to contact me at all. He said he would try to do better and he is just so overwhelmed, but he agreed. Now a week has gone by. He called once to tell me about seeing a therapist to help him do better. Other than that, I have stopped trying to talk to him and told him that I needed more time to stop worrying about him all of the time. Will he text? Will he call? It's 7 am here, it's 8 pm there, is he going to go to bed without texting me again? I couldn't take it anymore with my prego hormones all over the place. I feel better now that I have stopped watching the phone. But still, now I feel lonely and sad all of the time. I want to try to initiate contact again, but I feel like "making up" after all of this heartache is so much harder when he can hardly utter a word on the phone. What do you do when you feel like you've hit a brick wall and your heart is in a vice but you know you want to keep trying? In normal life, a long hug would just fix it all and everything would be okay again. The next hug is 2 and a half months away. I will be 5 months pregnant by then. I am hoping that I can find someone or something that makes sense of all of this. So here I am!

[dragonlady]

life isn't easy! and how that song say it when the going gets though the though get going!
if you love him it is all worth it!
use skype watch a movie together with the use of skype you can see him and he doesnt have to talk, be creative!! try things you'r only limited by you'r own imagination!!
i love live! and when i go for something i do it with every fiber in my body go for it full! i think that the stoplight stuff and such is doing more bad then good!
think what you rather like and go for it!

life isn't easy, you can wait for all the big things in live but when you look at all the small things you will realize that that ARE the big things.

i have hit that brick wall several times (and do it every day again, my hearts breaks when i wake up and don't see a email, take a walk knowing that he is a sleep, or that he is busy and i respect all that and sometimes i feel like i am waiting all day for a message from himyes it is hard but i love him to death and would wait all my life if i have to (yes i still do fun stuff to bdw))
i take a stiff drink shake my head and move on
and there i am rambling again

take it one step at the time you love him? and want to be with him? then go for it, and go to the next problem take it one step at the time!

[Jazi]

wow, well first of all, welcome

I'm not sure I can offer any advice - I think you guys need to decide if you REALLY want to be in a relationship together and COMMIT to that. Truly commit to each other and a life together - I know you're pregnant to him but I don't think your decision should be based on that - 'staying together for the kids' doesn't really work and your child would be happier being brought up by a single mum than in an unstable relationship.

You guys need to make that decision to commit and then remember that you are on the SAME SIDE. I think you both need to regain the perspective of being on the same side and working towards a common goal - a happy life together.

[Kristin91]

Welcome to LFAD! When my SO and I jumped into being LD we had no idea how hard it would be to be apart like that... and it is hard, but there are things you can do to help yourselves. Skype, talk on the phone, IM, email, etc... He's probably adjusting to his new job, plus the fact that you're pregnant, and everything else right now. Give him some time before you bombard him with skype date requests, etc.

It's also helpful if you have some goals or activities for yourself to keep you busy. You'll be busy with the pregnancy and stuff, but you could try out a new hobby or something if that interests you!

The biggest thing to remember is to have faith in your relationship and in your partner. You wouldn't have gotten this far without them, so don't start questioning everything because of the distance.

One thing that helped me was to realize that I'd rather be LD with my SO than CD with anyone else. We're going back to LD in the fall and I know it's going to be challenging, but I also know we can get through it together!

Best of luck! And congratulations on your pregnancy!

[aniay]

- I know you're pregnant to him but I don't think your decision should be based on that - 'staying together for the kids' doesn't really work and your child would be happier being brought up by a single mum than in an unstable relationship.

You guys need to make that decision to commit and then remember that you are on the SAME SIDE. I think you both need to regain the perspective of being on the same side and working towards a common goal - a happy life together.

Yes, I agree with that. Ask yourself what would you do in regards to relatiosnhip if you weren't pregnant.

I also wish you all the strength you could get from being a mum. Even when there are days when you want to just hide and never go out again, In the long run it makes us strong.

Can you visit a therapist yourself.

I'd say... Tell him what would you like and what you expect from him. Let him make his own decision.

You will make it!

[always2far]

I know something that really helps me...crying!!! Sit down somewhere and cry...cry as much as you want and get back with your life. It is tough...but hang in there, because usually when you feel you cant take it anymore, things start to get better. And..when you feel you can handle it...talk to him!!
Everybody has a hard time now and then, it will get better.

[aliciaJ3235]

Thanks everyone! All good advice. Yes, seeing a therapist, yes crying , and I know that making it work for the kids isn't the way to go. I do love him and we want to make it work. I am ready to commit to doing the hard stuff, but it is soooo hard with him shutting down like that. He insists that he wants to come back and do it because he doesn't want to have a family with anyone but me, he just doesn't feel like he was ready for that at all. He is trying to adjust to the idea. As much as I understand that he shuts down, it still hurts. I want him here, but I wish he would just come back in a year or disappear forever 0and not say "I know for sure that I want to make it work" and never talk to me. It's so much to try to tackle from a distance. I am willing to stick with it and try. I texted last night and told him that I am ready to try to communicate more. He said he wasn't yet but he is making progress. Crushed, but trying to move forward.

[Jade_Crystal]

Welcome to the community, dear Alicia. It looks like you're in a very difficult situation there that doesn't allow you much flexibility or options. Before starting to shoot at you with random suggestions, I'd like to ask two questions that could be relevant.

First off, if you were taking it easy due to him leaving, why didn't you use proper protection (pill & condom together)? The last thing in the world back then was obviously a child, with a man that was due to leave and on whom you wouldn't have any reliability of the future.
Second, is it possible at all to move there? He seems very passionate and hard working regarding his career... As far as I know, careers that involve this much stress and travel also involve a comfortable amount of money. If there was a way for you to move there even before having the baby, that would solve both the issues you seem to be having regarding his behavior within the distance and his regrets about dropping his career. Maybe you took this into account and discussed it with him, but there wasn't anything about it mentioned in your post so I had to ask.

Regarding the present situation, sadly I don't think there's much you could do for the time being and until you can see each other. He seems to not have much of a choice regarding his work times, but he does have a choice regarding his behavior. You seem to have been really straight forward and gentle regarding your requests and he should have given you the attention you sought (even if that meant just texting). He's not good on the phonecall department, but is he good with texting? Texting is a really quick way to chat that is both time saving and an easy thing to do. You don't even need to be a big talker to, like you mentioned, send a text before going to bed to the woman that's bearing your child. Maybe you could try explaining yourself better... From my experience, men listen to loving, polite and gentle requests from the woman they love.
Aside from the stress of a job, alongside the frustration of whether or not he'll be able to continue what he loves and the frustration of having a pregnant woman that he's not yet married to, I think the man is suffering from a severe burn out... Kind of like when you have so much work, so little time to sleep right due to things keeping you at night and as a result being so tired, that everything you must do becomes less efficient and you aren't incapable of being considerate with other people's emotions and needs.
From my experience this can be solved if you just give him space. A lot of space. As much space as he seems to need. Don't text or call for a week or more, tell him to contact you when he misses you and has time.
I also personally think that the man doesn't want to either quit his job or to leave you alone, so you have to give him a middle ground idea that you are very open and willing to do. What it is, I don't know, you know your situation and him better than anyone.
All I know from personal experience is that you cannot make a person that doesn't like or is used to it, to do certain things because it'll have a recoil effect... You just have to state what you want (usually not more than once, as long as you make sure it got through) and then let them manage that at their own pace. The reason this happens is obviously because people see amounts and frequency needs way different than others. As an example for his "a lot" or "sufficient", your estimation would be "very little" or "far from enough"... So you have to pick these up and manage them.

Other than that you can just make certain that he loves you every once in a while by simply asking, if he doesn't express it (like once each second week) and if he confirms it, then don't ask for more. Some men, especially when burnt out, become very inexpressive. And until you can see each other, distract yourself with hobbies, things you like, with trying out new things, with the baby's environment and future, with your health and its health, and with planning your meetings, maybe a possible future marriage and how you could move in together as soon as possible in a middle ground way.

As a last note, a therapist sounds like an interesting and potentially beneficial idea. But if he has time for a therapist, why not spend that time with you? Phonecalling is not the only way to interact. There's also videocalling that is the closest thing to IRL as it can get. But that's just me!

I wish you the best of luck and I sincerely hope that things will turn out okay.