Hi to all LFAD members
I'm new here, and would like to introduce myself. I am a 27 yo female and have been in a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years with a 25yo guy. We met while both completing post graduate degrees, right before he left to do his experimental work roughly 600 miles from the university where we met (and where I have been based since). In being students and living on strict budgets, there wasn't much opportunity to see each other. On average we would see each other for a week at a time 2 months apart, and the longest we went without seeing each other was 4 months. We would use instant messaging as a source of communication, we would spend hours talking and knew exactly what was going on in each others lives, we even wrote letters through snail mail old school style. I'm sad to say that things have not been going very well, and had I known there was a place like this forum I could come to for support - things might have not turned out the way they are at the moment.
We both decided we were soul mates from the start, that we can't imagine our lives without each other, and I was under the impression that we were working towards the same goal: starting a life together as soon as we finish our degrees. I reached the end of my degree before he did, I am finished and he is still going. We had a serious conversation, in which I was facing starting to do a job or applying for a PhD. I openly asked whether he would be committed to return to where we met and support me for the time being (even if it means taking up a job slightly less fantastic than you originally imagined) and he agreed, saying that I mean more to him than anything else, and that he is committed to sacrifice a period of time to enable me to have a shot at success such as I did during the past 2.5 years. I would have given a go at taking up a job nearer to him had he not agreed to this.
I applied for the PhD based on that understanding, and my application was successful. I received a prestigious scholarship to go with it. I have just started the PhD as I'm typing this message. He is finishing up his degree, and it seems I based my decision on an empty promise. I am now in a position where I took up an opportunity based on the wrong facts. He is not considering taking up a job here with me, I'm getting half baked answers and see no decent attempts at keeping his promise. I am a team player and would have liked to be involved in the decision making, but it seems he wants to do it on is own and I have to take it or leave it. This is very difficult and we are at the point where he said that I should now choose whether I can cope with another 3 years of LDR, and let him know. Take it or leave it, just like that.
I desperately wanted us both to compromise, and imagine myself to survive these years if my terms and conditions were considered in his decision. I can cope with the commitment of weekend visits and a separation of 4 hours worth of driving. I also feel the need to know that if it comes to the point where I finish my PhD and move to where he took a job, find that I won't get a job there, he would be doing for me what he is expecting me to do for him now. He refused to answer that question and does not want to talk about it anymore, and if I have not agreed to answer to his request of accepting another 3 years of LDR by Sunday night, I should consider it the end. It's disheartening to know that if asked that question, I would have answered yes, I would do it, without a doubt, and that he struggles or refuses to do the same. Even more disheartening, that I am expected to leave behind my dreams and visions, friends and family for the sake of his happiness, when I don't know if he would do the same for me.
I feel empty, heart broken, angry, betrayed - but most of all I'm starting to regret the energy I'm spending to get real commitment instead of empty promises. What should now be a time filled with joy and excitement of a dream come true after spending 9 long years to achieve, is now a time I cannot enjoy and feel guilty of. I am living in a the shadow of an empty promise.
Well guys, I know its against the rules to post long messages. I do feel I need to get my story out there, and I do feel I need the support during this difficult time that has lasted more than 10 months already.
Thank you for reading my introduction. I desperately hope there is someone out there that replies from their experience.
I'm new here, and would like to introduce myself. I am a 27 yo female and have been in a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years with a 25yo guy. We met while both completing post graduate degrees, right before he left to do his experimental work roughly 600 miles from the university where we met (and where I have been based since). In being students and living on strict budgets, there wasn't much opportunity to see each other. On average we would see each other for a week at a time 2 months apart, and the longest we went without seeing each other was 4 months. We would use instant messaging as a source of communication, we would spend hours talking and knew exactly what was going on in each others lives, we even wrote letters through snail mail old school style. I'm sad to say that things have not been going very well, and had I known there was a place like this forum I could come to for support - things might have not turned out the way they are at the moment.
We both decided we were soul mates from the start, that we can't imagine our lives without each other, and I was under the impression that we were working towards the same goal: starting a life together as soon as we finish our degrees. I reached the end of my degree before he did, I am finished and he is still going. We had a serious conversation, in which I was facing starting to do a job or applying for a PhD. I openly asked whether he would be committed to return to where we met and support me for the time being (even if it means taking up a job slightly less fantastic than you originally imagined) and he agreed, saying that I mean more to him than anything else, and that he is committed to sacrifice a period of time to enable me to have a shot at success such as I did during the past 2.5 years. I would have given a go at taking up a job nearer to him had he not agreed to this.
I applied for the PhD based on that understanding, and my application was successful. I received a prestigious scholarship to go with it. I have just started the PhD as I'm typing this message. He is finishing up his degree, and it seems I based my decision on an empty promise. I am now in a position where I took up an opportunity based on the wrong facts. He is not considering taking up a job here with me, I'm getting half baked answers and see no decent attempts at keeping his promise. I am a team player and would have liked to be involved in the decision making, but it seems he wants to do it on is own and I have to take it or leave it. This is very difficult and we are at the point where he said that I should now choose whether I can cope with another 3 years of LDR, and let him know. Take it or leave it, just like that.
I desperately wanted us both to compromise, and imagine myself to survive these years if my terms and conditions were considered in his decision. I can cope with the commitment of weekend visits and a separation of 4 hours worth of driving. I also feel the need to know that if it comes to the point where I finish my PhD and move to where he took a job, find that I won't get a job there, he would be doing for me what he is expecting me to do for him now. He refused to answer that question and does not want to talk about it anymore, and if I have not agreed to answer to his request of accepting another 3 years of LDR by Sunday night, I should consider it the end. It's disheartening to know that if asked that question, I would have answered yes, I would do it, without a doubt, and that he struggles or refuses to do the same. Even more disheartening, that I am expected to leave behind my dreams and visions, friends and family for the sake of his happiness, when I don't know if he would do the same for me.
I feel empty, heart broken, angry, betrayed - but most of all I'm starting to regret the energy I'm spending to get real commitment instead of empty promises. What should now be a time filled with joy and excitement of a dream come true after spending 9 long years to achieve, is now a time I cannot enjoy and feel guilty of. I am living in a the shadow of an empty promise.
Well guys, I know its against the rules to post long messages. I do feel I need to get my story out there, and I do feel I need the support during this difficult time that has lasted more than 10 months already.
Thank you for reading my introduction. I desperately hope there is someone out there that replies from their experience.
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