Hello all

[zIKANEIz]

I found this site looking for some ideas to bring a little more something to my relationship. I am dating a girl that my best friend in Canada hooked me up with. Well actually his wife did they are best friends. We have been together for almost 5 months and I went to see her at the end of March. I have to say talking to this girl just makes everything seem perfect. We hit it off right away. By the end of the first month we already new we loved each other and soon after that even talked about wedding stuff. We talked as much as we could and from about the end of January on we have skyped almost every night together. I think we have only missed 5 or 6 nights. We have plans in place to move her down here next June or July.

I have always thought I would wind up alone but as soon as I started talking to her all that changed. Everyone in my family knows about her and really likes her we have a trip planned in August to bring her down here to meet my family and see if she even likes it here. When I was up there i met her parents and they were very nice to me. In the beginning she was not so sure if she would ever tell her parents about us they are very old fashioned. But Me and her friend told her that she really needed to tell them and especially now that my trip was coming up. So she did and they are very happy for her as well and I hit it off with them pretty well.

Anyways I came here looking for ideas we are struggling at the moment. As of Tuesday we are on a break. It was stuff that I did. When I came back from visiting up there I realized I wasn't ready or my life wasn't in place to bring her down next year and that I needed to change a lot of things. I just graduated from college (yes late it took awhile to get the nerve to go back to school I always hated it) and I didnt have a job at the time. I am a huge gamer so I played a lot of xbox. In fact that is how I met my friend 8 years ago. But when I cam home I changed everything I stopped gaming I started looking hard for work and found a job in a week. I just tried to grow up. I did so and changed who I was. In doing so I lose the guy that she fell in love with.

It wasn't just that I changed all that it was all the stress of doing it just kept pilling on me until i was just buried under it all and for two minths I made her life hell. I would start random arguments to get her to talk to me more. Because after my trip up there the talking did die down. I got upset when she went to hang with friends and told her she would never drop things to hang with my but would always to hang with her friends.

This past week we have been on a break i guess you could say. We still talk but its only like a "hey how are you today" type thing. Its the way she wanted it. She didnt want a full on no contact break. Which to me is a good sign. I just hurt her and made her very unhappy. In the past week I have been trying to get back to who I was. I have been drawing agian (web/graphic designer), and I have been playing video games again. My friend even mentioned the other day how happy I sound and I am. Today I am really happy the only thing that is missing right now is my love and my smile. I get that she needs time but as she needs time the longer it goes the longer my heart hurts and makes me think that we will never be happy again.

Anyways that is my story. I am happy to be here I am really glad I found this place as there are a lot of things that interest me that, if this all works out, I can try with my girl. I always told her we needed to start having a date night once a week but never really knew what to do for those nights. Looks like this site has some ideas on what to do, love it lol.

[Unconditional]

I don't suppose you've told her how much this "break" is hurting you have you?
I don't understand why she cant be supportive of the fact that you're getting your life together so that everything is okay when she comes to visit. You'd think she'd be happy about that..
Welcome to lfad btw =)

[Moon]

Welcome to LFAD. If you don't mind me saying it, it sounds like you both are going at this relationship way too fast. I mean, it's hasn't been 5 months yet, and you're talking about moving her to you, that's a little quick before really getting to know each other, and that's probably why you're having problems now. You say you're on a break, but talk to each other about how you're doing everyday. Hell, that's the normal conversation I have with my guy usually! Maybe having those normal. boring conversations are what you both need, rather than focusing so much on the relationship talk? Just relax and enjoy each others company, without trying to plan out your future. It's too soon, man Good luck.

[Deleted]

Welcome to LFAD!

I will ditto Moon and add: I think you should take these next few months as a chance to get to know her more. It's good that y'all Skype nearly every night, communication is good!

Unconditional also had an opinion that I agree with. It's good, however, that your girl is supportive of the fact that you're taking some time off for yourself. We often get so caught up in our busy lives that we forget to take time off for ourselves.

[zIKANEIz]

No I haven't told her how much this break is hurting me but she knows. I also know that I was the one that caused this little break. I know we will stay together she just needs time to forget about how unhappy I made her over the past few months and I get that. It's just hard to show her how I have changed when we barely talk and we don't Skype anymore.

It's hard when I talk to her not to share how I feel about her. I want to tell her I love her but the other day I called her sweetheart, out of habit, and she just ripped on me saying how we are on a break and all that. When I say break it really isn't. It's more just a lot led talking. I asked her the other night of she wanted me to go away for awhile give her time to think alone. She said no she didn't like the thought of that. But it's hard on me and it would be either way.

I talked to a good friend lady night and she said I just need to be patient and give it time. I know she had strong feelings for me and I do her. I know this isn't the end just an obstacle that I put in our way.

I guess I really just needed an outlet a place to get this off my chest. It helps make me feel better. Like I said I know this is going to work I just wish I hadnt done what I did to put us here.

Thanks for the replies I love that I found this site.

[rhabdoviridae]

I'll try to put this delicately, because I think optimism is good, but it sounds to me as though she needs some space. You say you aren't really on a break, but she said that you are. You say she knows how much it hurts you, but you haven't told her. I think you need to make time for one serious heart to heart to find out where she is and where you are and what the expectations are moving forward. I hope everything works out.

[zIKANEIz]

So from last Sunday to Friday night we didn't talk at all. Friday night she finally messaged me and said she wanted to give me another chance. To see if I could be the guy that she fell in love with at the beginning. In the last week I have also gotten into counseling for my depression. I think I have needed help for a while sadly it took until i hurt some one I really loved to finally push me into it. It has been nice to have her in my life again. But its just different. Everything has changed. We don't message much we haven't skyped or even talked about it. Its just not how I thought it would be getting her back. I dont know if I am falling out of love with her or what. I am trying to get help and trying to do everything I can to show her that I am trying to get back to that guy I was. I just feel she is not really trying much. I don't even really think she wants to be with me. But I have been really depressed the past couple of weeks so I really don't know. I am happy but sad. I just don't know.

[merlinkitty]

How about this. I really like that you're getting help. I think we've all been there at some point. Take a deep breath, relax take care of yourself you never need to feel sorry for or justify taking care of yourself

Me and my guy went through a similar period for different reasons. I hurt me so much but I knew he needed the space. During that time I took care of me, like he wants me to, so when he was ready to come back, I was in a much better state of mind But enjoy what you have, even if it's not all you want. I agree with everyone and I think Moon hit it on the head. Some of the best conversations I have with my SO are the ones about absolutely nothing but they're the ones that help me get to know him the best communication is huge for any relationship, but especially LD since that's the basis for what you have

Instead of working on all this stuff to prove anything to her, work on it to prove to yourself I like this saying. Usually it's "I'll take care of you and you'll take care of me" or something to that effect. Think of it this way instead. "I'll take care of me for you. You take care of you for me." You've put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the man she wants. Be the man you want to be, instead

Welcome to LFAD btw I hope you find the help you need

[zIKANEIz]

Thanks everyone for the help and kind words. I think I found what the issue was that lead to all this. We never really fought or argued about anything until about a month after I came back from my trip. I only found it because I was reading through our chat history. It never even dawned on me that this was the main issue. So one day I decided to join pintrest to get some ideas for healthy eating and exercise ideas. My GF is also on there so I followed her along with some other friends and like most went about browsing through what they had pinned and liked to see if anything interested me. That when I found this one that she had liked a ton of pins from and the title of the folder these pins were pinned in was my GF name with hearts. So I browsed into that profile and they had a face book so I browsed over there.

That’s when I found it. A picture of my GF linked to another face book profile. So I messaged my friend and asked her she said she didn’t know anything and maybe it was just someone that took a picture from her and is using it as a fake account of her. So I messaged my GF and asked her if she knew this girl (Girl following her on pintrest) she told me she didn’t know the girl and had no idea why another profile had her picture. So she told me right then and there she was going to take care of it and report it to face book. The next thing I know the profile is gone. Now I am not a dummy I know you can't just report someone and then that profile disappears it just doesn’t happen that fast. So I knew she had gone on there and blocked me.

Anyway I asked her again about it and she lied again. So I told her look I can see the profile when I am logged into my sisters account but I can't when I am logged into your account what is up. So she told me this long story about how she met this girl through a site that had problems like she did when she was young. She said nobody is supposed to know that they are friends or that they talk. Well I just left it at that but I didn’t believe it because I had checked and they had multiple friends in common. If you aren’t suppose to let other people know you are talking to someone why do you share friends? Nobody is supposed to know, that’s what she told me.

Anyway this just popped in my head that none of our issues popped up till after this. That’s when I started messaging more; I started finding the little things to argue about so that she would have to keep messaging me to finish the argument. Once you think about that I guess you can guess what I found and what hit me real hard today. I didn’t trust her. I had it in my head that if she could lie about this girl and not really have the story make sense what else is she hiding from me. Who else is she talking to? Now we are trying to work things out taking it slow, very slow. How can I tell her that this was my issue? I don’t think there is a good way to say that I didn’t trust her. I may have had an amazing breakthrough but I think I just shattered anything and everything about this relationship.

[merlinkitty]

It was stuff that I did.

Holy moly. Please tell me you don't believe the quote above from your original post. It is NOT something you did. It is something she did to you, that she lied point blank to your face about, and then decided to keep you hanging with not wanting a "full on no contact break." Please be careful. This is a quote from Outlander by Diana Gabaldon (which I'm totally stoked is coming out on Starz in August!! lol sorry side note ) but it's regarding truth, trust, and respect in a relationship:

"When you do tell me something, let it be the truth. And I'll promise [you] the same. We have nothing now between us, save---respect, perhaps. And I think that respect has maybe room for secrets, but not for lies."

I hate to be so blunt, but you know EXACTLY how to tell her you don't trust her. "I don't trust you." It's four words. She lied to your face about a relationship she's having with someone else. Imagine yourself in this other person's position. Do you think she's going to go away overnight because she told you she did? I don't mean to plant seeds in your head, but you need to be aware that she has some MAJOR work to do with you to gain your trust and respect back.

All these issues you've talked about, picking fights, etc are exactly because she behaved in a manner that caused you to become suspicious of her because she LIED to you. You are totally justified in felling this way. You can do a lot of things to me, but lying to me shows a complete lack of faith, trust, and respect to me and these are things that I value HIGHLY in my relationships. Without these things, what basis for a relationship is left? If I can't respect you, why do I care about the rest of these things we might have in common? Those things are petty next to trust.

I don't mean to sound so harsh or dramatic, but I'm having a hard time with the shock I feel over your finding out she lied to you and the fact that you have a hard time telling her you don't trust her when you so obviously don't. Please promise me you'll look after yourself, and don't fall headlong and blindly into a situation where she's stringing you and who knows who else along for the ride.

[Sanja]

Welcome to the forum. Being in a LDR is difficult as is. Lack of trust and communication makes things even more so. You have been together for a short time and already taking a break. She did things that made you lose trust in her. That is not exactly promising for your relationship. Seeing how you are depressed, right now getting yourself better should be the priority. I hope you can work things out, but at the same time, if you can't trust someone, how us that relationship going to work?

[zIKANEIz]

It's not, it's over. Ended last night :-(

[Sanja]

I'm sorry to hear that. *hugs*