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Struggling NE-MN

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    #1

    Struggling NE-MN

    New to the forum....

    I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He is in Minnesota and I am in Nebraska. He's there going to school to get his Masters, we're the same age (28), both college grads, and both from Nebraska, but I have had a good job for a few years and wasn't willing to move to Minnesota when he left for school so we have been in a LDR since August 2014.

    We were still new to dating when he left (not even "officially" girlfriend-boyfriend) and I wasn't really on board with getting into a long-distance relationship until he was really gone and I REALLY missed him. We've been making it work by seeing each other twice a month. One of us makes the 6-hour drive every 2 weeks, and he stayed with me (in Nebraska) over Christmas break and will stay with me again over Spring break, which I am counting down to as we speak...

    Recently I have been STRUGGLING, though... He recently accepted a summer internship that is even farther away than Minnesota -- it's in San Francisco. It's a great opportunity and I'm so proud of him, but it will be 10 weeks of him being halfway across the country and we're only planning to be able to see each other (in person) a total of 4 times -- a lot less than I am used to, since we currently spend at least 2 weekends together every month now. He's also going to school for a career that will require him to travel about 60% of the time once he graduates (Monday-Thursday) and I'm worried about how I will deal with that.

    I know compared to some couples we have it good, and I probably shouldn't complain, but it's the FUTURE stuff that brought me here tonight. I have a hard enough time as it is living in different states (though we are just 6 hours away) but the thought of finally getting to live together and STILL having to be apart 4 days a week just kills me... I don't know if that is what I want long-term. When he left for school I told myself, "It's only 2 years... It will fly by... Take this time to focus on your career..." but now I'm thinking about everything this could put on hold for us and how long it will be before we can EVER even finally just spend one full month together! Or two!

    We want to get married after he gets out of school, but I don't want to have children if that means I would be a "single mom" more than half of the time. His career and the companies he is interested in working for after graduation would also require me to relocate, leaving my immediate family, friends and career in Nebraska to follow him while he pursues his passions, and that sounds even LESS appealing if we were to add children to the mix. I want to be near my family (like within a 25 minute drive) when we start having kids, and I am just struggling with what our future will look like and if I'm really cut out for this long-term.

    I can't ask him to give up on his goals or career, but I would really be giving up a lot to pursue a life with him so he could do all of those things. I grew up in a military family and lived near a military base for all of high school and college and purposely never dated any guys in the military because I didn't want to fall for a guy who would be gone a lot or have to miss out on things the way my dad did when I was little. Well I thought I was doing myself a favor avoiding that lifestyle and here I am regardless, like I was just destined to fall in love with someone I can't share a zip code with, or who will only be around for 40% of our life together...

    Anyway... Here I am. Just... Struggling. Any thoughts, words of advice/encouragement or stories of your own experiences would be awesome. If you made it through all of this, THANK YOU for reading. I appreciate it more than you know.

    E from NE
    Last edited by nebraska1; March 4, 2015, 11:29 PM. Reason: typos
    Tags: advice please, concerns, future plans, new here, struggling
    #2
    Welcome to LFAD. I know it isn't much consolation, but I'm over 3900 miles from my SO, heck we don't even live in the same country! I'm in the UK. He's in GA, USA. Planning a visit to see him next year, though after that I'm not sure when I'll see him again. We've been together about 3 months now, and it's been over a year since we met and became friends, us being videogamers was the reason we ever met in the first place. I will say, even though ANY distance is difficult to work with and I've begun struggling again in recent days, the ways in which you deal with the distance will either make it harder or even easier to bare. I've had a few LDRs that failed, the longest being 3 years and 7-8 hours between us, seen ups and downs all over the place. But the best thing I can suggest to you is voice all your fears and concerns to your SO, and see how things go. Communication forms a huge basis of LDRs, as we all learn quickly, after all. Ask him where he can see you both going. It sounds like you have a few ideas of where you're headed with your SO, but nothing concrete. I know nothing is set in stone, but having some realistic goals you can both hope to achieve together can really, really help.

    Comment

      #3
      The thing about being LD and trying to close the distance is compromise and sacrifice. Somebody is going to be far from family and friends, and quite honestly, you really might have to go beyond your 25 minute drive limit. You have to consider factors such as who has, and where are, the best career prospects, schools if your thinking of children, better living conditions for families, etc. LD is hard, sure, but to make it work, you cannot be rigid on your CD expectations. Flexibility is key, if you're having too hard of a time with the distance, and no move has to be permanent.

      Welcome, btw.
      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

      Comment

        #4
        I'll second what Moon says. I'm in the situation Honour mentions, UK to US, 7/8 hour time difference. I live 5 minutes away from my parents. I know that I may not be in the same state, much less the same country, if this thing works out. For me, I accept this. For you? It might not be acceptable. And there's nothing wrong with that. The thing is I know I have to be flexible with what pans out. At some point there will be great sacrifice from one of us. And the sacrifice will be unequal. One of us will have to leave our home country. Both of us may have to leave the proximity of family.

        And sometimes the sacrifice is that you can't be together, that the sacrifice of closing the distance is too great. That's something you need to evaluate for yourself. What you're willing to give up and what you're not.
        "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

        Comment

          #5
          The thought of him being away 4 nights a week CD makes you frustrated, would you still feel the same about 3 nights alone, or 2 nights? What kind of vacation rights does his future job (and yours) hold, does him being on the road mean he can take out more vacation? What kinds of interesting jobs could you get if you moved?
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
            The thought of him being away 4 nights a week CD makes you frustrated, would you still feel the same about 3 nights alone, or 2 nights? What kind of vacation rights does his future job (and yours) hold, does him being on the road mean he can take out more vacation? What kinds of interesting jobs could you get if you moved?
            Once again, we do not have "vacation rights" in the US.
            Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by Moon View Post
              Once again, we do not have "vacation rights" in the US.
              I wish we did. ::sigh::

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by whatruckus View Post
                I wish we did. ::sigh::
                Right?!
                Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

                Comment

                  #9
                  Maybe others will disagree with me on this- but geeze! Live in the present. You are so stressed out about relocating and having kids you can't even enjoy your relationship. Of course it's important to plan your future, but focus on one thing at a time. Don't worry about 10 years from now.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by Moon View Post
                    Once again, we do not have "vacation rights" in the US.
                    Originally posted by whatruckus View Post
                    I wish we did. ::sigh::
                    I wish you lot did too, it'd make it a lot easier for my SO to come here!

                    Comment

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