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**douglas2275** · June 2, 2015, 10:13 AM

I can't speak for everyone else but as far as LDR's are concerned, there are so many kinds (never meets, move always, military, etc). Is there a specific type you are working with or just relationships with distance in general? You will find that people's blog posts will contain a lot of the stories we have. I would ask that if you intend on sharing any information that you obtain permission first, which I'm sure you would do anyways.

**Lisa25** · June 5, 2015, 02:28 AM

Hey douglas,

thanks for your comment! I registered here after having contacted the admins of this website. I guess they are quite busy since they are also running a webshop so I wasn't surprised to not get a reply. After that, I decided to register here in this forum to get to know people who would like to share their stories with me which could also result in an interview or me accompanying them during an every day-day of their relationship. It just depends on what makes them feel comfortable and what they would like to share. An interview or a dialogue would be the classical research-scenario for that... Of course before anything gets going, I will ask for their permission. Concerning your question if there is a specific type I am interested in, I can tell you that so far, there is no such type. I'd say a distance in between people that's big enough to limit the ability to reach out for each other immediately and hinders them to interact face-to-face is ok. It's also possible to work with people who have lived in an LDR in the past and moved together or who maybe (though I don't hope so) broke up.
The focus of my studies would really be on that aspect of immediacy and intimacy that seems so self-evident in a "classical" relationship but it really has to be managed if the classical frame changes and you got a distance in between...

So...asking for help again, do you think it would make sense to post a call for participation here? I do not want to overrun people here and I am aware, that this is a very personal topic. But maybe there are some people who would like to step into a dialogue with me. Where do you think would be the right place to post that?

**differentcountries** · June 5, 2015, 04:08 AM

There is not really a right place to post it. I will urge you to keep contacting Michelle. Your study will get much more legitimity if she is on board with it. That being said:
"What is set relevant that one might usually take for granted within a relationship when you have to deal with a distance? How about the qualities of corporeal presence or a lack of that?"

On this Forum, it differs a lot. Some live close, som far. Some within the same country, other are international. There are people here who see their partner in flesh 1-4 times a month, some a couple of times a year, some very seldom and some have never met (due to having met online and not having the means to meet). The lenght of visits also vary, some have mostly weekend visits, others weeks at time, others months or have sometimes semi-closed the distance to then become long distance again. Some are more or less in constant contact, many have some kind of daily contact, some are ok not talking to their partner for a week.

For me, I currently meet my partner usually montly for a week, we have also had one month long visits - the longest time we have been physically apart was 9 weeks. That means that over time we get weekly rythms together and enough time to explore and get tired, fight and make up, shop groceries and in small ways make a home (we also have a cat). That also means that we spend enought time apart that we rely on letters, gifts, photoes, Skype, calls and phone apps to stay in touch and not just have a "ghost relationship" between visits. It is a little bit like living in two worlds at the same time; a very material world were we do ordinary couple things, and the world where "the screen" gets in the way when we are tired, don't want to talk and just want a hug. Everything resolves around planning and financing the visits, those are our "life blood". We build up a lot of experience on becoming stingy, as vitis and relationship upkeep is very costly - I have more or less two homes to pay rent for and have become very frugal. There is an element of having to come to terms with one's need for control - you can't control a long distance relatonship. There is the fear of having to break up from everything you know to start a life somewhere else, in another country, with another language. There is the realization that long distance never ends, you just switch where you travel and how often, because even after closing the distance there is keeping in touch with family and friends.

But there are also special LD wonders. I have discovered my crafty side, making him photo books and what not. We learned soon that we are serious about the relationship, why else use all that time and money and experience that heartace for someone very far away? There are times on Skype when we are talking that feels closer than when we are cd, because we give each other full attention, and being looked into the eyes on Skype can feel truely wonderful. He is delighed by countdown calanders and cards in the mail. The sex on the first day of a visit is alway magical. People think you are tough for making it, that sort of thing. But you have to understand that it is a special type of relationship. We are very dependant on sceduling contact and rely on technology a lot. There is nothing casual about LDRs. There is a special psycology to it, for instance people in LDRs are very weary of their SOs travelling - it can feel very unsettling, because we find security in the smallest things, like knowing where our SOs are in their daily lives, seeing pics of that place on Viber or Snap and to feel that we ARE THERE. So if they move physically, it feels a bit like the ground shifts. And then there is the question of language for those of us who don't speak our mother tounge together. My language class is actually almost consists of just people in an LDR, half closed the distance and half didn't yet, and my langage teacher says that being in love in one of the greatest motiations for learning a new language, I also see that serveral language learning sites cater to people in LDRs.

**Lisa25** · June 7, 2015, 07:40 AM

Hey differentcountries,

thank you for taking so much time for writing this very interesting post! After it, I felt encouraged to write Michelle again. Hope she will reply. Otherwise I might just try it in different categories of this forum, hoping that I find some people who would like to give an interview.

So "keeping the rhythm" seems to be quite important for the two of you, doesn't it? I love that metaphor when you say that the screen gets in the way. So as you say, you discovered your crafty side and maybe try to bring back something material by sending him gifts or handmade stuff when you got the distance - and so the screen - in between...It's also very interesting for me to hear that seeing where a person is or just noticing him or her being online via mobile phones for example gives you the feeling of security. That's awesome. I could not imagine it...I'm in a relationship since 6 years now and everything is very local and material, immediate, so self evident...And so with your example, it seems that there's not only distance, but also the language. I guess that language part is not so hard when you're together physically but becomes more relevant when you rely on technology to communicate, or am I totally wrong? Maybe I should look for participants in language classes

All the best and thanks so much for your interesting comment! I'd love to stay in touch...

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