My Story

[Tennessee]

Hello all! Have seen the site a couple of times but this is my first time writing. Just a bit about how I got here and who I am: I'm 22 and an avid pc gamer. I work tech support for a cell phone company. I was engaged until I ended it in Jan of this year to a local guy who ultimately was not good for me. A couple of months later my sweet Bill made a move on me, via TeamSpeak where we hung out on a daily basis. We've been emotionally inseparable since then but physically, we definitely have to go the distance. Specifically the distance between Nashville TN and Philadelphia, PA. I had had online relationships before as a young teen where you'd talk every day and dream of meeting but nothing ever came of it. I suppose my relationship with Bilbo wasn't real to me until he told me he'd bought a plane ticket to come see me. He's visited twice since then and I'm going to see him for a week starting Saturday. I love him desperately and we have a future together, I know it. He plans to move down here once we get our finances sorted. But the biggest issue I face is my depression and anxiety. Have struggled with them on and off my whole life but it's gotten significantly worse. This last time I took him to the airport to leave crushed me and I have been spiralling out of control since then. The depression is also work related bc I'm having issues where I don't like my work anymore and I've found a new job but it doesn't start for almost 2 months. I have been given fmla time from my therapist because of the anxiety attacks, but it means I have called out a lot. At this point I haven't worked in 2 weeks easily. Some days I get there and just can't do it. Other days I can't even get out of bed. My last check was $45. I don't tell Bill because I don't want him to be disappointed in me. He tells me he knows I'm stronger than this. I don't know if he's right.

To those out there struggling with clinical depression, for someone deep in a depressive episode, how do you do it? How do you get out of bed when the one person you want to do it for is a thousand miles away? How do you make yourself stay at work all day knowing you're going to go home to an empty bed and have to curl up to your pillows for another endless night without your lover? I wouldn't trade him for the world, but actual long distance relationships are devastating to highly sensitive emotionally needy people like myself.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I can't pretend like I know what you're going through. To be honest, I'm not sure my advice will help, but I figure it's worth a shot. Whether you struggle with depression or not, it is hard going home to an empty house. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'm doing it for a reason. Even though my SO is across the world, I get out of bed and go to work and school because I know that they are the things that I need to do for us to be able to close the distance in the future. If finances are the thing that is keeping you apart, then use that as a goal. If you can get to work that day, you are one step closer to closing the distance. I know depression isn't that easy and that it doesn't help when people say "just get out of bed and do something". I hope that you don't see that in my response. I just want you to know that even if your SO is a thousand miles away, there still is a reason for you to live your life. If not for yourself and your own personal improvement then for your relationship and the future of your relationship.

As far as not telling your SO because you don't want him to be disappointed in you: in my experiences, it gets a lot easier when you have someone supporting you who knows every part of you. I don't have a depressive disorder, but I do tend to get the "winter blues" as I live in a part of the country that doesn't get much sunlight in the winter. When I was struggling with my SADs, I was irritable, moody, withdrawn, and a multitude of other things that my SO didn't understand. Once I told him that I thought that I was depressed, the biggest help to get past that time was his undying support. Like I said, our situations are very different, but sometimes just having someone who is trying to help and support you though a rough time is all you need to feel like you can do anything. I would be highly disappointed in him if he was disappointed in you for your depression. If that is the case, it's clear that he doesn't understand depression and I would suggest trying to explain to him what depression is like. For someone who hasn't experienced it themselves, it can be difficult to understand. May I suggest this blog. It really helped me to understand that depression can be like.
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c...epression.html
and then part two:
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c...-part-two.html.

I hope if nothing else, I can help you find a platform to talk to your SO about your depression. It's important to have people supporting us! Good luck!

[Scouse05]

Are you getting help for your depression, other than therapy, such as anti depressants? I can't imagine what it must be like for you going home to an empty house, etc, because I hate doing it and I'm not clinically depressed so I'd hate to think what it must be like with depression added on top. The thing that keeps me going is like the person above says - knowing that everything I do and everyday without my SO is another step towards us closing the distance.

My SO and I have each other's tshirts sprayed with the scent that reminds us of the other. That helps us to feel closer to each other. We have a secret FB page just for us where we share stuff to try and bring each other into our day. We also have items that are personal to each other to physically hold onto to remind us that what we have is real and worth facing the pain for.

Please share your depression and feelings with your SO because you need his support and without telling him you're not giving him the opportunity to be there for you. it can be difficult to understand depression if you've never experienced it but if he loves you and wants a life with you then it's a part of you he'll need to accept and support. You should not have to do this alone.

I don't know if you are into complementary therapies and by no means am I saying do these instead of therapy/medication but they can help alongside it. Things such as emotional freedom technique (EFT) can help, mindfulness practice, relaxation exercises can be all be good for anxiety/depression, even Bach flower remedies such as rescue remedy can help some. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is said to be very good for depression and anxiety.There's lots of different stuff out there which might support what you're getting from the doctor/therapist. Maybe talk to them about it and see what they say.

Whatever you do, please don't feel that you have to go through this alone. You've already started making the first step my posting here. Best of luck.

Good luck