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    Signed up for a reason

    Hi everyone.
    I decided to sign up here to seek some advice in my current relationship.

    Long distance is a very complicated thing, it has its own ups and downs. Lately, I haven't really figured out how to deal with my stress.
    My boyfriend and I started dating for more than a year now and our situation is completely different to most of the posts that I've read here.
    Here's the thing, since day one, Skype has been our source of communication. Mind you, his phone's camera doesn't work and he doesn't have any sort of device that has a built-in camera. I've tried to convince him to visit a computer shop, but he disagrees. The reason being? Computer shops in the Philippines has a very loud environment, can be dangerous at some point, and it's very public. The person that he is cannot handle those kind of places. Anyway, he's the only one that can see me. I, obviously, can't. Every time we Skype, I can directly see myself (which looks funny more than it sounds). Therefore, I have no live view to what he really looks like.

    Though, I have visited the Philippines TWICE. I repeat, TWICE... WITHIN ONE YEAR.

    AUGUST 2014 I stayed in my mom's hometown for a whole month because it's fairly close to where he lives (approx. 1 hr drive). He never wanted to give his address because he didn't want me to send him stuff during our "monthsaries". So anyway, I went to his hometown several times hoping that he decides to meet me (during this time, he works in a hotel at night and goes to school in the morning/afternoon). We kept our communication, but he never had time until it was time for me to head back home. The night before my flight, he texted me and asked where I was, but it was too late, I was too upset to talk to him. I left without seeing him. Days after my arrival, I decided to break up with him. But half of me really doesn't want to do that, and so after his apology, we were back on track.

    DECEMBER 2014 My family went back to our country, I was really excited because I was really looking forward to meet him. At this time, he's a call-center agent and finally a graduating student. I stayed in the same place for three months (I really maxed out my stay lol, thank God for college vacay time). To make this story short, I did the same routine as I did last August, and still got the same result. I NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM. I really put in a lot of effort to travel and cross the Pacific Ocean twice but the idea just didn't hit him. My relatives started to question our relationship. Some said that I should look for another guy than waste my time to someone who can't exert any kind of humiliation and consideration to me. The time was up and I had to fly back home again, he apologized again and guess what, I accepted it. Like what most relationship expert says, forgive and forget.

    But the truth is, I only half-heartedly forgave and I will never forget what happened. It's quite impossible, unless he finally shows up. Every time I (accidentally or purposefully) bring up what happened, he'd get upset or try to break up with me because he thinks that I'm the type that cannot move on from the past. I mean, really? If this ever happened to you, can you easily forgive and forget?

    #2
    Welcome to LFAD.

    This is the second go-around for me and my SO. The first time, we dated for 6 months. We live just under 1,000 miles apart - NH to IN. He was supposed to come visit me and didn't make it. The second trip he was supposed to come out, I told him flat out that if he didn't make it again, I was done. Guess who didn't make it? Also no phone calls or texts. A week later I heard from him and pretty much I told him to pound sand. We had no communication for 18 months. I ended up sending him a text and I finally got the whole story. We met in person 3 months later and we've been back together just under 2 years.

    Now if I was to travel to another country twice and he wasn't able to make time or effort to visit me - I would be done and there would be no second chances. However, that's me. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Reading your story though, just too much of it sounds sketchy and I honestly don't believe him. Not giving you an address, not video Skype calls, etc - just sketchy. (In our first couple of months of knowing each other, my SO gave me his address and I mailed him something without telling him to expect it. When he got it, he was so happy and it validated for me that he really lived at that address.)
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

    Comment


      #3
      Agree with R&R. Something does not sound right at all. Catfish is what comes to mind..
      Don't keep doing this to yourself. You went twice. He had excuses both times after you left.
      Have you had pictures of him? Do you really know him? Although I would make a bet that they are not him.
      Ask him straight out what's up and why he is playing you. Leave if he can't respect you, especially this far in... Of course you can't forget the past. Just tell him there won't be a future ..

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by R&R View Post
        Welcome to LFAD.

        This is the second go-around for me and my SO. The first time, we dated for 6 months. We live just under 1,000 miles apart - NH to IN. He was supposed to come visit me and didn't make it. The second trip he was supposed to come out, I told him flat out that if he didn't make it again, I was done. Guess who didn't make it? Also no phone calls or texts. A week later I heard from him and pretty much I told him to pound sand. We had no communication for 18 months. I ended up sending him a text and I finally got the whole story. We met in person 3 months later and we've been back together just under 2 years.

        Now if I was to travel to another country twice and he wasn't able to make time or effort to visit me - I would be done and there would be no second chances. However, that's me. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Reading your story though, just too much of it sounds sketchy and I honestly don't believe him. Not giving you an address, not video Skype calls, etc - just sketchy. (In our first couple of months of knowing each other, my SO gave me his address and I mailed him something without telling him to expect it. When he got it, he was so happy and it validated for me that he really lived at that address.)
        Thank you for your reply, if you must know, I got introduced by our mutual friend. She (the mutual friend) was his best friend in high school and they know each other very well, as suppose to me, I knew about him through our friend before I actually got to know him. After a few months, I noticed that he's very secretive and absolutely dominant. I gave him my address because he asked and I never hesitated. He sent me shoes, flowers, jewelry, and even ordered food. He's very generous. What I've been thinking about is that he might be the type of guy who thinks about his SO instead of dealing with his wants and needs first. He's very sweet too. Our communication never got cut off (unless there's a troubleshoot or powerout). So I don't know... his negative side balances his positive side.

        Comment


          #5
          Thank you for your reply. I do have a photo of him, he even sends me recent photos from his friend's party or any type of occasion that he has been invited in. And no, I don't think it's a catfish since our mutual friend knows him since high school. I guess in my viewpoint, I want to confirm his identity and not through someone else or by himself.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by sasad View Post
            Agree with R&R. Something does not sound right at all. Catfish is what comes to mind..
            Don't keep doing this to yourself. You went twice. He had excuses both times after you left.
            Have you had pictures of him? Do you really know him? Although I would make a bet that they are not him.
            Ask him straight out what's up and why he is playing you. Leave if he can't respect you, especially this far in... Of course you can't forget the past. Just tell him there won't be a future ..
            Thank you for your reply. I do have a photo of him, he even sends me recent photos from his friend's party or any type of occasion that he has been invited in. And no, I don't think it's a catfish since our mutual friend knows him since high school. I guess in my viewpoint, I want to confirm his identity and not through someone else or by himself.

            Comment


              #7
              In my opinion- this is just plain wrong and I seriously miss words to describe it. You spend lots of time and probably money to fly out to him, and the guy couldn't be bothered to see you.
              In my LDR, if I would even step one foot on the other side of my bf country, he'd be flying/driving/running/teleporting to see me.

              I'm sorry to say that, but he apparently doesn't even.. I don't know- miss you? wants to see you? Not being able to meet you over for a coffee when you were there for 3 months?
              You didn't write that he has some case of social anxiety or any other condition, so I look at it as he is just a regular guy.

              I would never forgive. Not the second time around when you put all that effort and resources, and are available for months. And the weird part- he gets mad at you and want to break up? I'm sorry, but maybe you should because that guy doesn't care about your time

              Comment


                #8
                It sounds to me like he has something to hide; his looks, anxiety, him getting in some kind of trouble (is he in prison?) that makes so that he can't see you etc. why else will he not jump at the uppertunity to see you?
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                Comment


                  #9
                  Wow...... I'd say run! Far and fast! There's no way a guy who us serious and has nothing to hide wouldn't find a half hour to see you over the course of seven weeks when you were nearby. And he can't get a webcam? Yep, something is wrong!
                  sigpic

                  I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I have to agree with the posters above me. Something just isn't right...at all. Had my partner not made any effort to see me while I was in their country, for such a long time, we would be done. It just doesn't work and that is not a relationship. There is definitely something he is hiding...

                    "True love isn't about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated."
                    Married April 18th, 2015!!
                    Distance Closed October 4th, 2015!!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by littlemiss View Post

                      But the truth is, I only half-heartedly forgave and I will never forget what happened. It's quite impossible, unless he finally shows up. Every time I (accidentally or purposefully) bring up what happened, he'd get upset or try to break up with me because he thinks that I'm the type that cannot move on from the past. I mean, really? If this ever happened to you, can you easily forgive and forget?
                      He didn't show up TWICE after you flew to another country and were close by. He's upset because you bring it up? I'm sorry but a simple apology for something like that wouldn't be enough for me. 2 years later and my SO still hears about when he didn't show up that second visit. It caused true trust issues and that's not something that just goes away. It takes time and effort of proving he can keep his word.

                      Giving material gifts in no way compensates for what he did. That's not positives and negatives - that's manipulation for you to forget what he did.
                      To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                      ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        If my boyfriend hadn't of turned up I never would of gone a second time. I would of had nowhere to stay since I stayed at his! I would of had to have stayed with my friend a few states away and on short notice it would of been bad. The fact you went a second time and he went again I'd say you'd be crazy to continue. That's it, done over. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt even more if you keep letting him do this to you.
                        Engaged Dec 2015!! Visa approved June 2016 . Married July 18th 2016 <3

                        Home is where the heart is and my home will always be with my love.
                        All the way from England to the USA.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by littlemiss View Post
                          After a few months, I noticed that he's very secretive and absolutely dominant..
                          It would be alarming to me that he is so secretive and dominant. Secretive and dominant people can be controlling. I would see this as a red flag.

                          Originally posted by littlemiss View Post
                          What I've been thinking about is that he might be the type of guy who thinks about his SO instead of dealing with his wants and needs first.
                          I disagree. Considering the amount of time that you spent there, and he never freed his schedule to see you in person, I would say that he does not think about his SO. You put a lot of time and energy into your visits, and he never met you.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by aleksaaw View Post
                            In my opinion- this is just plain wrong and I seriously miss words to describe it. You spend lots of time and probably money to fly out to him, and the guy couldn't be bothered to see you.
                            In my LDR, if I would even step one foot on the other side of my bf country, he'd be flying/driving/running/teleporting to see me.

                            I'm sorry to say that, but he apparently doesn't even.. I don't know- miss you? wants to see you? Not being able to meet you over for a coffee when you were there for 3 months?
                            You didn't write that he has some case of social anxiety or any other condition, so I look at it as he is just a regular guy.

                            I would never forgive. Not the second time around when you put all that effort and resources, and are available for months. And the weird part- he gets mad at you and want to break up? I'm sorry, but maybe you should because that guy doesn't care about your time
                            Thanks for your reply. Apparently, our conversions through Skype when I was staying in the Philippines was consistent. He would complain that he's tired from last night's work and he really needs to sleep so he can concentrate in school. Sometimes, he'd call me to just stay on the line as he/we sleep. I felt like at that time, his time was very limited. So maybe I just went there at the wrong time?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                              It sounds to me like he has something to hide; his looks, anxiety, him getting in some kind of trouble (is he in prison?) that makes so that he can't see you etc. why else will he not jump at the uppertunity to see you?
                              I don't think that his appearance was an issue at that time. I think time and money was the real reason why he couldn't show up. By the time he gets home from work/school, he'd be really tired. He did suggest on visiting me, but it just never happened because he'd rather sleep and I'd let him do that. Though it became a routine, that's what I didn't like.

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