Signed up for a reason

[hmrambling]

Every time I (accidentally or purposefully) bring up what happened, he'd get upset or try to break up with me because he thinks that I'm the type that cannot move on from the past.

There's a certain urge in me that really wants to know him, like giving up is not an option to me.

He has tried to break up with you, but you refuse to give up on him even though he has made zero effort to meet you. Interesting. What we allow, we condone. You are teaching him to treat you this way. At some point, the responsibility for the situation is no longer his, and the responsibility for the way you are being treated is yours. You have allowed him to treat you like this, therefore you are teaching him that his behavior is acceptable. It's okay, everything is fine, and there is no problem with the way that things are going because that is what you've allowed. What you've allowed will continue.

You have solicited feedback and advice when you really don't want it.

The definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing over and over, and expect different results. Good luck with that. Sounds like you have it all figured out, and that you don't want our feedback.

[Ella85]

I agree with R&R you are making excuses for him, I was married to my ex for 7 1/2 years and the relationship was awful from the start, 4 years in I was wondering how the heck I should leave him when we had a kid. If I was 'with' a guy who did the things you did I'd end it strait away. No way ever would I ever stay with a man who couldn't make an effort to come see me when I'd traveled half the world for him. That isn't love if you ask me.

[lyonsgirl]

Hate to say it... but are you sure he's not married already? I guess I've heard of this before. A guy sending his girlfriend all kinds of gifts but unwilling to give her his address because he's afraid she'll send something to his house and then the wife & kids will wonder and ruin his home life.

Also, I sincerely hope he is planning on flying out in January 2016, not a year from now... Has he already bought his tickets & given you his flight information? If not, I'd urge you to ask him for that information if you're still stuck on meeting him.

[R&R]

You came asking for advice and everyone has given you the same advice. However, you come up with excuse after excuse after excuse for him. Did you really want advice or were you hoping for validation that you are doing the right thing?

Time and money that you have spent really don't mean a damn thing. I did this off and on for 8 years (yes 8) before I finally smartened up with my ex-SO. I supported him while in the military. I supported him while he went to college. I flew all over the United States to be with him. He knew how to manipulate. I finally woke up when he got someone else pregnant. And you know what - all the signs were there, just like they are with you, and my friends begged me to end it but I wouldn't. I knew the real him. I knew he "loved" me. I knew we were meant to be together and it would all work out. I gave him chance after chance. In the end, I was out lots of money and 8 years of my life. You can be like I was and waste years of your life or you can realize you are being played big time and walk away. I just hate to see someone who could be smart and learn from others continue to make bad decisions.

[sasad]

Money? Have you been sending him money?

[littlemiss]

It would be alarming to me that he is so secretive and dominant. Secretive and dominant people can be controlling. I would see this as a red flag.



I disagree. Considering the amount of time that you spent there, and he never freed his schedule to see you in person, I would say that he does not think about his SO. You put a lot of time and energy into your visits, and he never met you.

Thank you for your reply. I feel like the longer our relationship becomes, the more that he'll be open and loosen up a bit. There's a certain urge in me that really wants to know him, like giving up is not an option to me. After all the time and energy that was invested, there might be a chance that he'd do the same when he flies here next year.

[littlemiss]

If my boyfriend hadn't of turned up I never would of gone a second time. I would of had nowhere to stay since I stayed at his! I would of had to have stayed with my friend a few states away and on short notice it would of been bad. The fact you went a second time and he went again I'd say you'd be crazy to continue. That's it, done over. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt even more if you keep letting him do this to you.

Thanks for your reply. I felt like I invested so much time, effort, and money to give up now.

[littlemiss]

He didn't show up TWICE after you flew to another country and were close by. He's upset because you bring it up? I'm sorry but a simple apology for something like that wouldn't be enough for me. 2 years later and my SO still hears about when he didn't show up that second visit. It caused true trust issues and that's not something that just goes away. It takes time and effort of proving he can keep his word.

Giving material gifts in no way compensates for what he did. That's not positives and negatives - that's manipulation for you to forget what he did.

What's funny was he said that he suffered enough from trying to apologize to me.. and I'm like that's not a decision that he should make, I'm the one who can tell if he's been forgiven. But then, I decided to continue our relationship because I do really want to meet him. Next year, he'll be flying here in California since he just graduated from college and I couldn't be more proud. Plus, I've invested so much money to let him go now.

[littlemiss]

I have to agree with the posters above me. Something just isn't right...at all. Had my partner not made any effort to see me while I was in their country, for such a long time, we would be done. It just doesn't work and that is not a relationship. There is definitely something he is hiding...

I tried convincing myself that we should have been done the second time around, but there's this urge in me that wants to know what could be there for us if we continued our relationship.

[littlemiss]

Wow...... I'd say run! Far and fast! There's no way a guy who us serious and has nothing to hide wouldn't find a half hour to see you over the course of seven weeks when you were nearby. And he can't get a webcam? Yep, something is wrong!

Hahahah! That was my relatives' reality check question for me during our stay. To be honest, until now I still think about it because being tired everyday really isn't enough of a reason to not see me. I mean, he can sleep in our house. My family would more than welcome him. He doesn't have a laptop or computer.

[littlemiss]

It sounds to me like he has something to hide; his looks, anxiety, him getting in some kind of trouble (is he in prison?) that makes so that he can't see you etc. why else will he not jump at the uppertunity to see you?

I don't think that his appearance was an issue at that time. I think time and money was the real reason why he couldn't show up. By the time he gets home from work/school, he'd be really tired. He did suggest on visiting me, but it just never happened because he'd rather sleep and I'd let him do that. Though it became a routine, that's what I didn't like.

[littlemiss]

In my opinion- this is just plain wrong and I seriously miss words to describe it. You spend lots of time and probably money to fly out to him, and the guy couldn't be bothered to see you.
In my LDR, if I would even step one foot on the other side of my bf country, he'd be flying/driving/running/teleporting to see me.

I'm sorry to say that, but he apparently doesn't even.. I don't know- miss you? wants to see you? Not being able to meet you over for a coffee when you were there for 3 months?
You didn't write that he has some case of social anxiety or any other condition, so I look at it as he is just a regular guy.

I would never forgive. Not the second time around when you put all that effort and resources, and are available for months. And the weird part- he gets mad at you and want to break up? I'm sorry, but maybe you should because that guy doesn't care about your time

Thanks for your reply. Apparently, our conversions through Skype when I was staying in the Philippines was consistent. He would complain that he's tired from last night's work and he really needs to sleep so he can concentrate in school. Sometimes, he'd call me to just stay on the line as he/we sleep. I felt like at that time, his time was very limited. So maybe I just went there at the wrong time?

[hmrambling]

After a few months, I noticed that he's very secretive and absolutely dominant..

It would be alarming to me that he is so secretive and dominant. Secretive and dominant people can be controlling. I would see this as a red flag.

What I've been thinking about is that he might be the type of guy who thinks about his SO instead of dealing with his wants and needs first.

I disagree. Considering the amount of time that you spent there, and he never freed his schedule to see you in person, I would say that he does not think about his SO. You put a lot of time and energy into your visits, and he never met you.

[Ella85]

If my boyfriend hadn't of turned up I never would of gone a second time. I would of had nowhere to stay since I stayed at his! I would of had to have stayed with my friend a few states away and on short notice it would of been bad. The fact you went a second time and he went again I'd say you'd be crazy to continue. That's it, done over. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt even more if you keep letting him do this to you.

[R&R]

But the truth is, I only half-heartedly forgave and I will never forget what happened. It's quite impossible, unless he finally shows up. Every time I (accidentally or purposefully) bring up what happened, he'd get upset or try to break up with me because he thinks that I'm the type that cannot move on from the past. I mean, really? If this ever happened to you, can you easily forgive and forget?

He didn't show up TWICE after you flew to another country and were close by. He's upset because you bring it up? I'm sorry but a simple apology for something like that wouldn't be enough for me. 2 years later and my SO still hears about when he didn't show up that second visit. It caused true trust issues and that's not something that just goes away. It takes time and effort of proving he can keep his word.

Giving material gifts in no way compensates for what he did. That's not positives and negatives - that's manipulation for you to forget what he did.