Hi. I lied.

[sunmat]

What are your hobbies, if I may ask?

[zeraph]

Lol, I could play bingo with all the phrases I've heard through the years.

I like reading and writing, as well as drawing. I study music composition and I play the piano.
And no, those aren't popular activities where I live, nor they spark any interest into another people when I tell them.

[C.C.]

Lol, I could play bingo with all the phrases I've heard through the years.

I like reading and writing, as well as drawing. I study music composition and I play the piano.
And no, those aren't popular activities where I live, nor they spark any interest into another people when I tell them.

Oh come on. SOME people do those at least. Aren't there clubs or meetups or anything at all? M goes to writers' meetings frequently for example and it's not even anything that special, just people sharing their hobby and their progress and stuff.

[R&R]

OP, people have given good ideas and you've shot all of them down. If you want to make changes in your life, it starts with you. You have to want it enough to put yourself out of your comfort zone, try things you haven't before and broaden your horizons. Things will never change if you don't take the steps to change them. If you choose to do nothing but provide excuses why something won't work, especially without even trying, then you have noone to blame for it but yourself.

[zeraph]

Only 2 interesting meetups existed on my area and I went, they eventually closed.

[sunmat]

I like reading and writing, as well as drawing. I study music composition and I play the piano.
And no, those aren't popular activities where I live, nor they spark any interest into another people when I tell them.

Ah, a fellow musician!

Maybe I can help with my own experience: I've been single for 28 years before meeting my girlfriend. Up until I was 23 or 24 (basically until my last year of master), I was also searching for ways to get a girlfriend. I was forcing myself to go to some parties even though I'm not into partying, etc. I tried online dating but either got no reply, or the conversations went short after a few messages and they never led to actual dates. When I was 24, I thought "enough, I stop searching". I started trying more thing that I would potentially like, even if they were unlikely to make me meet anyone, just for the sake of trying things that make me happy. I already knew piano, I bought a guitar and taught myself. Then a year later I started banjo, and different types of flutes. I got a bike and started exploring the countryside of my city, trying to get farther and farther every time (I went up to 85 km in one single afternoon). I also tried things I thought I would like, but ended up not liking (like rollerskating). I focused on my studies as well and that led me to an award-winning PhD. I also read a lot, followed educational YouTube channels, wrote half of a book... All this made me happy as a single person, and it brought me a lot to talk about. But I was not doing all those things to be able to talk about them later, I was doing them FOR ME. Because I had given up the idea of getting a girlfriend, I was also interacting with people in a different way. I made more female friends just because I wasn't trying to get them to be my girlfriend. I was just friendly and truly interested in what they were talking about.

When I met my now-girlfriend, I didn't have the intention to ask her out or anything, but she ended up learning from someone else that I was playing piano and she asked me to play for her (our company had an old piano stored in the basement). Then we talked more and, seeing how happy I was and how many hobbies I had, her first thought was that I was certainly married or engaged, and that I was in any case way out of her league (yet I'm not particularly handsome). She was very surprised when I told her I never had a girlfriend.

A side effect of this way of living is that now having a girlfriend is a trade-off: I know I can be very happy on my own, and having a girlfriend forces me to give up some of the hobbies that make me happy, because I just don't have time. So being with my girlfriend better has to compensate for that! This put things into perspective; I won't be afraid of breaking up if I feel my relationship is not making me as happy as I could be if I were single.

What I'm saying is: don't think getting a girlfriend will solve all your problems, a relationship is a trade-off. And you're much more likely to get a girlfriend if you're already happy as a single person. Try to develop your relationship with people you already know (coworkers, for example) by getting truly interested in them rather than trying to be interesting.

[zeraph]

Ah, a fellow musician!

Maybe I can help with my own experience: I've been single for 28 years before meeting my girlfriend. Up until I was 23 or 24 (basically until my last year of master), I was also searching for ways to get a girlfriend. I was forcing myself to go to some parties even though I'm not into partying, etc. I tried online dating but either got no reply, or the conversations went short after a few messages and they never led to actual dates. When I was 24, I thought "enough, I stop searching". I started trying more thing that I would potentially like, even if they were unlikely to make me meet anyone, just for the sake of trying things that make me happy. I already knew piano, I bought a guitar and taught myself. Then a year later I started banjo, and different types of flutes. I got a bike and started exploring the countryside of my city, trying to get farther and farther every time (I went up to 85 km in one single afternoon). I also tried things I thought I would like, but ended up not liking (like rollerskating). I focused on my studies as well and that led me to an award-winning PhD. I also read a lot, followed educational YouTube channels, wrote half of a book... All this made me happy as a single person, and it brought me a lot to talk about. But I was not doing all those things to be able to talk about them later, I was doing them FOR ME. Because I had given up the idea of getting a girlfriend, I was also interacting with people in a different way. I made more female friends just because I wasn't trying to get them to be my girlfriend. I was just friendly and truly interested in what they were talking about.

When I met my now-girlfriend, I didn't have the intention to ask her out or anything, but she ended up learning from someone else that I was playing piano and she asked me to play for her (our company had an old piano stored in the basement). Then we talked more and, seeing how happy I was and how many hobbies I had, her first thought was that I was certainly married or engaged, and that I was in any case way out of her league (yet I'm not particularly handsome). She was very surprised when I told her I never had a girlfriend.

A side effect of this way of living is that now having a girlfriend is a trade-off: I know I can be very happy on my own, and having a girlfriend forces me to give up some of the hobbies that make me happy, because I just don't have time. So being with my girlfriend better has to compensate for that! This put things into perspective; I won't be afraid of breaking up if I feel my relationship is not making me as happy as I could be if I were single.

What I'm saying is: don't think getting a girlfriend will solve all your problems, a relationship is a trade-off. And you're much more likely to get a girlfriend if you're already happy as a single person. Try to develop your relationship with people you already know (coworkers, for example) by getting truly interested in them rather than trying to be interesting.

That's weird, I've done practically the same as you. I made things for me too. Didn't write a book but I started learning screenwriting. Also educated myself in many subjects vie internet and youtube. But the different part is that I was never selfconcious about trying to get a girlfriend everytime I talked to one, and even if I had become more intersting with time, and I was very neutral about talking to them, still that never lead any woman to feel the need to spend more time with me or spark some attraction. In the last 7 years I haven't been able to attract a woman, even when it has been the time in which I've been less invested in doing so. I've also being asked to play by girls, I've been asked about other favours and help about other disciplines and that has been reciprocated with thankfulness as expected. I've been in both extremes and in both times no woman has thought it was weird I was single, even if I looked (and I was) happy with how things were going. My point is that some guys are just not in the radar of woman, even if they behave or develop socially as the rest does. Now I'm still friendly and get along with people fine. I'm not a pushover under any means and everyone likes me and considers me a good person, but for some reason no girl has seen that as attractive. They shouldn't either, but it makes me believe that attracting someone is a random process and some guys just fall between the cracks without having nothing wrong with them.

[sunmat]

Do you get explicitly rejected (like, you ask for a date and the woman says no)?
By experience we, men, tend to miss many occasions just because the women don't seem to be interested so we don't ask.

[zeraph]

Do you get explicitly rejected (like, you ask for a date and the woman says no)?
By experience we, men, tend to miss many occasions just because the women don't seem to be interested so we don't ask.

More like the second one, but I can tell when they are interested, so is not that I'm oblivious, but I wouldn't ask either if they're not attracted. I sure to think that after a while, if a girl doesn't show any sign of interest, she most probably never will. I've only been rejected once. Recently. By a girl I was sure was interested. She didn't want a relationship, so it leaves me the consolation that at least I wasn't the problem. For the rest, you know when a girl wants to be your friend, when she wants to spend time with you or share some intimate stuff like friends do. I've realized women don't pick me for that. They are very reluctant to fell comfortable around me and mostly just interact when they have to. I have some theories about that but they are just that. There's nothing wrong with me, really. Sometimes those things don't have a sounding explanation.

[Harlequin]

More like the second one, but I can tell when they are interested, so is not that I'm oblivious, but I wouldn't ask either if they're not attracted. I sure to think that after a while, if a girl doesn't show any sign of interest, she most probably never will. I've only been rejected once. Recently. By a girl I was sure was interested. She didn't want a relationship, so it leaves me the consolation that at least I wasn't the problem. For the rest, you know when a girl wants to be your friend, when she wants to spend time with you or share some intimate stuff like friends do. I've realized women don't pick me for that. They are very reluctant to fell comfortable around me and mostly just interact when they have to. I have some theories about that but they are just that. There's nothing wrong with me, really. Sometimes those things don't have a sounding explanation.

That's not true. You share some of the blame in your situation. If something does not seem to be working, then you need to reflect on all of the factors--including yourself. If you conclude that there's nothing you personally need to change, then you didn't evaluate yourself well enough. Everyone has flaws, and sometimes it could be the simplest thing that's throwing everything off.

[zeraph]

That's not true. You share some of the blame in your situation. If something does not seem to be working, then you need to reflect on all of the factors--including yourself. If you conclude that there's nothing you personally need to change, then you didn't evaluate yourself well enough. Everyone has flaws, and sometimes it could be the simplest thing that's throwing everything off.

I never said I don't have to change, but changing just for being accepted when there's nothing objectively wrong with me seems dishonest. My flaws are minimum. If that's not enough or trows people off, then so be it. The ones who are worthy will appreciate me.

[sasad]

I never said I don't have to change, but changing just for being accepted when there's nothing objectively wrong with me seems dishonest. My flaws are minimum. If that's not enough or trows people off, then so be it. The ones who are worthy will appreciate me.

Sorry, but seriously? Worthy? Listen, no one in this world is perfect. And you know what all your flaws are and haven't had a serious relationship. We ALL adjust and compromise. You were given advice from a woman as well. Look at the common denominator and see what that is. Gosh. I am sorry, but reading that post leads me to believe that arrogance is one of your flaws.

[C.C.]

I am one of those people who finds pride (arrogance is its highest level with more ugliness. So not that.) sexy.
But, only when someone is actually as "good" as they claim to be. And when someone is actually being rational about it.
I also love being as natural as I can be around people. But seriously, you don't lose it or become more artificial if you improve (see, improve, not change into smth else, big difference) some of your traits that might plain annoy others. And I feel like it has some people here already.

[zeraph]

Well Im sorry you feel that way. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly, but I mean that I want to find people who like me for who I am. So I didn't choose the right wording. I want to be around adequate people, I don't feel I'm the best thing on the world, only that I'm not near as bad as so other many people are. I wish I could meet some of you in person you you could see I'm not actually arrogant; not at all. I've made a lot of improvement, so much sometimes I get the short end of the stick. Im probably the most harmless person I know, and you would see that too if you could actually interact with me.

[C.C.]

Well Im sorry you feel that way. Maybe I didn't express myself correctly, but I mean that I want to find people who like me for who I am. So I didn't choose the right wording. I want to be around adequate people, I don't feel I'm the best thing on the world, only that I'm not as near as bad as so other many people are. I which I could meet some of you in person you you could see I'm not actually arrogant; not at all. I've made a lot of improvement, so much sometimes I get the short end of the stick. Im probably the most harmless person I know, and you would see that too if you could actually interact with me.

Arrogance doesn't really harm anyone either way, but that's beside the point.
And annoyance, as honest and direct I was, comes from the fact that you come up with excuses to advices and don't really take them. You don't need to get defensive to all of those. No one knows your circumstances and situation exactly, only you do. We can come up with solutions to every hypothetical situation that you give us and there will still be some aspects of it left yet to be considered. The point of advices is not to act according to them exactly. The point is to listen to them and adjust it to your life, the point is to get ideas not solutions. Which we are trying to give.

I don't really believe in good or bad, sort of weird maybe. But I honestly think that there's as many good/bads in the world as much as its population is. I am also one of those people who makes connections with people easily but still is a total introverted. I am sort of "experienced" in dating. It felt good at the beginning but in the end, I think the only thing it gave me was some sort of self confidence, there was that moment of realisation in my life "wow, I am getting desirable" but you know what? It didn't decrease any of my main insecurities, it didn't make me happier, nor more content. I don't believe in finding that one "right" person or a "soulmate", relationship is a hard work. Though I do believe in some people clicking more than others do and taking things from there. I am also someone who has only gotten "a crush on" people I already knew, I had some subtle attraction yes, but I could never take anyone seriously unless I got to know them on proper friendship levels. You don't need to hide who you are or change it to adjust some people, it will lead to despair, I know that well. No one is really saying that.

Relax, seek out people and be open to getting to know the people themselves first. And try not to make excuses or get defensive, because it will be better for YOU that way. I believe that people are in control of their lives (to an extent) and there's never a time when you have tried everything. Sometimes you might be trying really hard, but take a wrong approach or something and not use all the resources. Doesn't mean you should give up. It is difficult I know and it probably brings a lot of loneliness. But there's no magical solution to anything as I said above, only ideas and experiences from which you'll have to squeeze out your own solutions, fitting your own life. You need to choose the direction to take your life into. There are always difficult circumstances in life, some in one aspect of it, some in another, and it's never easy. But do you know when we learn to live life? When instead of just trying our best, we combine it to adjusting our current circumstances and getting the best out of them.

I might have rambled a bit too much. Best of luck.