Hi guys. Been in this mess for a while, could use some hand-holding.

[JusCally]

Hi everyone,

**Sorry in advance this will be a novel** My name is Justine and I've been with my SO for almost 8 years. We have a little guy who is 4.5 and just started kindergarten. SO is in law school in England, finishing up an extremely intensive accelerated program (2 yrs) while our son and I chill with my parents in Canada. (Long story involving Canadian law school waitlists, application fees, unmet visa requirements blahblahblah). For the first year of the separation we were constantly chatting and staying very involved in each other's lives. I don't have Facebook (don't ask), but we were actively making use of Whatsapp, Skype, email and Flickr. Things were cool, I felt hopeful for the future. We made so many plans to close the distance, which all fell through.

Since this summer we have had almost zero communication, something that happened as a result of SO's choosing to complete a summer-long internship instead of coming home for a visit... and not telling me. Assured me he was making plans to visit and then... just... stopped talking to us. He ghosted the hell out of me until my birthday in September, when he sent me a rather perfunctory text, and since then I've received nothing from him at all. I don't know anything about his life and vice versa. He missed sharing in our son's first day of school. Frankly I don't know if we're still together, where his head is at, how he feels.

So, Christmas. Here we are mid-December, my son is performing in a Christmas concert this evening for which he's completely bonkers excited, we're making plans to visit my MIL (SO's mom) during the holidays; I've sent the most carefully-worded message I could to ask that he please come home for a few days, on my dime. That was 4-5 days ago, haven't heard back. SO hasn't contacted his son since mid-June, and I believe he's struggling hard with overwhelming guilt on top of the stresses of law school. I'm scared he'll see staying away as being easier than coming home to a confrontation, and I've laid my soul bare trying to ease the way for him. I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions balanced and I think I've been managing my anxiety pretty well considering how confused I've been and still am. I've apologized for being a stressor, for being too hard to talk to about changed plans, for not being appreciative of the sacrifices he's making on behalf of our family. I've given him enough space for a new mountain range to grow between us. No response.

SO's father and paternal grandfather both walked out on their families, his mom thinks there's a curse in the male line. I just feel so abandoned, and I'm so angry that my long-term partner could cut us out of his life without a word. I literally dream about us just having a damn conversation (I used to dream about us doing other things...) At the same time I feel guilty for putting him in a position of needing to provide for us by isolating himself from his family and taking on so much responsibility. I do know that his strategy for dealing with emotional crap is to disengage, so I'm trying to stay mindful of that, but none of my emotional needs are being met. All of this while trying to shield our son from what's happening, telling him "Daddy loves you" every day, trying to keep Daddy present in his life even though ...well, he's not. My feeling is that Christmas is kind of the be all-end all for our relationship, such as it is. I do worry for SO's mental health, and that he's under so much pressure that he's breaking.

I would LOVE any insight from someone who's dealing or has dealt with anything similar. Clearly I'm a basketcase and I could use some help! Thanks so much.

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

While I don't believe in curses, it sounds like the dad has walked out for his son especially if he went no contact.

[JusCally]

Hi, thanks for the welcome. It does sound that way, doesn't it? I've been telling myself that since neither of us has any experience with LDR that we're just not dealing with the situation very well, that's why I'm looking for advice from people who've been in the LDR boat.

[kittyo9]

Hi Justine, welcome to the forum. Thank you for laying out your situation so concisely.

I don't have the life experience that some other members might have, but from my limited perspective, you have done everything you could to reasonably make this relationship work. It's time for you to rest, to focus on yourself and your wonderful son, and to accept that your SO is not going to contribute to his life. That is such a hard thing to do and I am genuinely sorry that this has happened.

Since this summer we have had almost zero communication, something that happened as a result of SO's choosing to complete a summer-long internship instead of coming home for a visit... and not telling me. Assured me he was making plans to visit and then... just... stopped talking to us. He ghosted the hell out of me until my birthday in September, when he sent me a rather perfunctory text, and since then I've received nothing from him at all. I don't know anything about his life and vice versa. He missed sharing in our son's first day of school. Frankly I don't know if we're still together, where his head is at, how he feels.

Think about this as if it were happening to someone else. If your best friend's SO did this to them, what would you say to him/her? Your SO has responsibilities as a parent and as a partner that he is not fulfilling. It would be one thing if he discussed it with you beforehand and you both agreed that this was the best course of action-- a functional relationship involves teamwork and communication. However, that isn't what happened. There was no communication or discussion. He just did what he wanted to do. That isn't teamwork.

I believe he's struggling hard with overwhelming guilt on top of the stresses of law school. I'm scared he'll see staying away as being easier than coming home to a confrontation

That's possible, but not an excuse.

I've apologized for being a stressor, for being too hard to talk to about changed plans, for not being appreciative of the sacrifices he's making on behalf of our family.

You do not need to apologize for this. You are not at fault. It is easy to try to blame yourself for the shortcomings of your partner; it's much harder to recognize that someone you care deeply about has done wrong.

SO's father and paternal grandfather both walked out on their families, his mom thinks there's a curse in the male line.

It's not a curse. It's behavior. The choices your SO has made may have been shaped by his history with his own family, but they were choices nonetheless. Things like abuse are sometimes cyclical in that sense, where a parent abuses their child and the child grows up to be an abuser. It doesn't have to be like that, though, and there are many people who have successfully taken steps to break the cycle.

I just feel so abandoned, and I'm so angry that my long-term partner could cut us out of his life without a word... At the same time I feel guilty for putting him in a position of needing to provide for us by isolating himself from his family and taking on so much responsibility. I do know that his strategy for dealing with emotional crap is to disengage, so I'm trying to stay mindful of that, but none of my emotional needs are being met. All of this while trying to shield our son from what's happening, telling him "Daddy loves you" every day, trying to keep Daddy present in his life even though ...well, he's not.

You have every right to be angry and you deserve to be treated so, so much better. You are not a basketcase. You got dealt a really bad hand by someone who is supposed to be an adult, with adult responsibilities.

I understand that this probably means less to you coming from 27-year-old, childless, never-married me, and that's okay. All I know is that I see you doing the same things I was doing myself at the end of my last failing, abusive relationship. You've given him time, and you've given him (many) chances. I think you're right when you say Christmas is the cutoff.

I wish you so much love and support and I hope you can find some happiness for yourself.

[JusCally]

My goodness. It absolutely doesn't mean less to me coming from a younger non-mommy person! I am so floored by the kind and considerate way you've expressed this to me, thank you so so much. So many people in my life have accused me of making excuses for his behaviour and shouldering the burden of our relationship singlehandedly because I don't want to let go. Somehow I've convinced myself that there's dignity in upholding the promises we've made to each other, even if it's just me trying to maintain that commitment. I've been fighting this for months but... you are 100% right. Again, so many thanks.

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome.

I myself have been in an abusive relationship. My ex-wife, the mother of my son, has been mentally abusing me for at least 7 years - may be longer. It took me until the second year after my devorce to recognize that. It took me 5 years to recognize I was fighting a lost case - that is when I walked away from my marriage.

I selected this from you:

Somehow I've convinced myself that there's dignity in upholding the promises we've made to each other, even if it's just me trying to maintain that commitment.

Up to a certain point you are right. Sometimes, when one fails, the other should carry the resposibility, but only temporarily. And as Kittyo9 said, in a relationship you need communication, especially in an LDR because that is all there is. You can do nothing more than you have done already. There is a difference between dignity and being a fool (no offence meant). Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away with dignity than to keep fighting for a lost case. Sadly, this seems to be the latter.

As I said, it's normal that it takes take to settle in that you're fighting a lost case, but for me, after reading your novel... ...I think you should give up and build a new life with your son.

Be strong.

[JusCally]

I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your ex-wife. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. (And for reading my novel)

For the last few months I've thought about the relationship in terms of being on a break/separated, so it's not new for me to be processing a permanent break ... I simply find it hard to stay grounded in my decision.

I made this post in hopes that I could gain some perspective, since I've had a hard time consistently seeing things in an objective way. I'm glad that I did, because I've received some really great insights and I truly appreciate the thoughtfulness in your replies (including the one in my Xmas thread).