Hi everyone, I just joined this site recently. I'm struggling with some LDR depression and figured that many of you would know what I'm talking about. Some backstory -- I am 22, almost 23. For the past year I was living in Ireland and attending school there (I'm from California). I met my 29 year old boyfriend on tinder in the middle of March; we started out as friends but our relationship quickly developed into something very beautiful and special. During the last month of me living in Ireland, we were inseparable, quickly fell in love and decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When I moved back to America at the beginning of May, our plan was for him to move over to me in two to three years so he can have enough money to set up a life, and since he just started a great job he'd be able to pay for me to visit him a few times a year. I ended up flying back two weeks later because the airline tickets were very cheap. While I was staying with him for that visit, I realized I want to move back there permanently to be with him, or at least move over there until he is ready to move to California, but that is not an easy/immediate thing because of visas. I've now been back home (for the second time) for almost two weeks, and ever since I got back I've been feeling extremely depressed. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past, but I think this new relationship and dramatic change in my environment has brought it back. He is my first boyfriend (he doesn't know that), and although it has all been going amazingly, I am so afraid that my anxiety will ruin it somehow, and that terrifies me. I have been having so many fears of him cheating on me or wanting to break up with me -- neither of these things are happening, but my mental health is really clouding my judgement, and my desire to be back with him is so strong that most of the time it just makes me sad not knowing the next time I'll see him. I am currently unemployed and have been job hunting since I returned, but that is also contributing to my negative state of mind, and the days have been dragging on. He has been extremely caring and encouraged me to go back into therapy, which I will be doing soon. On the outside, everything is perfect -- he is the most loving, supportive, funny, wonderful person I could ever be with, we talk on the phone at least once a day, and he truly knows me. I feel amazing being with him and can see a future with him. I am just struggling with the fact that this is my first time navigating a relationship, and he lives 5000 miles away, plus I have mental health problems to deal with which make me think that it will all end in a second. The distance hurts so much and I find myself crying everyday missing him. I know it will be worth it, I just wish it was easier. I know this is very long and I don't have any specific questions, I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice for me, and whether or not the distance will get easier the longer time goes on.
-
-
Welcome to LFAD! I think most people in LDRs will tell you that it doesn’t get easier, but you DO learn to cope better over time. I think it is great that you are seeking the help of a therapist. He/she can help you figure out coping skills that work for you. I think you’re right that not having a job right now is making this more difficult for you. When you do have a job, you’ll have no choice but to get back to your normal everyday routine, which can and will help you adjust to being apart after a visit. Right now you’re just stuck in limbo, and it’s easy to wallow and feed these negative feelings.
Just a question: If the dramatic change in environment is too much, would it be possible for him to come visit you instead? -
Thank you so much! To answer your question, since he just started a new job (he's an engineer), he's on six months probation so until then he won't be able to take any vacation days. He's also very broke because he had to move to a new location, plus he thinks that coming to visit me will be very expensive (way more expensive than it needs to be, but he wants to be able to have a lot of spending money/stay in a nice hotel/ not worry about money). This is why it would be taking him so long to come visit me, let alone try to move here permanently. That is why I am strongly considering trying to move back over to Ireland until he's able to move to California, or maybe we'll even decide that Ireland is where we should live permanently together. Either way, I'm desperate to get back to him. Today was actually a bit better because I applied to almost twenty jobs and have an interview tomorrow -- I'm realizing that being productive is making it easier. But at the same time he FaceTimed me a few times tonight while he was out with his friends and it made me miss him even more. I'm afraid to tell him that I miss him too much because I don't want him to think I'm moping around thinking about him all day and I don't want that to push him away. Do you or anyone else have any tips on what NOT to do in a LDR?Comment
-
Welcome Moghra!
I agree that over time you get used to the 'normal' of bring in a long distance relationship. It will take time to see what you can expect and count on (as far as communication goes.) Don't be afraid to let him know how you're feeling. Even though you trust him, sometimes it's nice to get reassurance that everything is ok.
Finally, take it a day at a time. Looking at potentially years until you're together will seen daunting right now. If you can reframe it to say, "we physically aren't together today" it could help, too.Comment
-
Ok, I see! Maybe you can research more about what you would need to do to be able to move to Ireland, and see if that could be a real possibility. Then, if it is, you could set small, achievable goals that work towards moving to Ireland (saving $, submitting documentation, etc...)
We have a list of general LDR do’s and don’t win our free ebook here https://www.lovingfromadistance.com/LDRebook.pdf
Comment
Comment