*Waves

[Xtina Marie4031]

Hi there, everyone!

I am new here.

I know everyone thinks that their story is unique, and I am definitely no different. To tell mine, I need to go back about 25 years or so. I met this guy when I was in high school. He was the boyfriend of a girl friend of mine. He was pretty cool. I always liked him. I was attracted to him, but because he was my friend's boyfriend, he was off limits. We were a close group, he was close with my mom as well. The winter of 1993, when I was 19, my family decided to move from upstate NY to sunny Florida, and this guy was going to help drive us down there. He ended up staying. It was my mother, her husband, this guy (we'll call him CJ), and myself. We rented a crappy, small 2 bedroom apartment. To save some time, CJ and I fell in love, and ended up marrying. I was 20. I was young. I was stupid. CJ was a good man. He worked hard, he wouldn't think of cheating, and he always made me feel loved.

So that young and stupid thing I mentioned? Well, I met a guy where I worked. A guy who drank and smoked and liked to party. A bad boy. At that age, I very much wanted to party too. And I was bored. CJ was content to go to work, come home to me, eat some dinner, watch some tv, and go to sleep. Wash-rinse-repeat.

I ended up leaving him for the bad boy I worked with.

It was the worst mistake of my life, and I regretted it pretty much right away. I won't bore you with the details. But the bad boy- was not a good man. CJ and I divorced, I bore bad boy 2 children and married him. For the next 20 years, I lived in a pretty much loveless marriage due to mental illness and alcohol and substance abuse. My mother stayed in touch with CJ, and I would get little updates on his life. He had bettered himself, while my life kept going from bad to worse. Both of us moved out of Florida. Him to North Carolina, while I moved to Wisconsin, back to Florida, and ending up in Tennessee.

My mother's heath went downhill. I contacted CJ periodically with reports on her condition. We were always civil to each other. My mother passed in the spring of 2017. CJ would message me on FB from time to time to check on me.

Back in January, CJ moved to Tennessee.

A few months ago, we struck up a conversation on FB, and just never stopped talking. We learned that we didn't hate each other (something we both thought) and that we still had feelings for each other. Talking day in and day out, we fell (back) in love with each other. We decided we wanted to be together.

Sounds like an awesome 2nd chance romance novel, huh?

If he showed up at my doorstep this instant, I would happily hop in the car.

*LOUD NEEDLE SCRATCHING ACROSS A RECORD*

He's married. His wife had some health problems years ago, was misdiagnosed and suffered numerous strokes. Leaving him fully caring for her 24/7, 7 days a week. Because of her strokes, she is not the person he married and their relationship seems (to me anyway, as I am not there) to be very much a caretaker and patient type a deal.

He is a good man. He WAS ALWAYS a good man. Because of this, he struggles with what is the right thing to do. This is one reason I love him so, his integrity, his goodness. The selfish part of me wants him to just dump her in a nursing home and run off into the sunset with me. But the guilt would kill him. But what is he supposed to do? For the past 7 or so years, he has put his life on hold to make sure that she has the best quality of life that he can give her. But he is not happy. He is not in love with her.

We talk about our one day, and plan our future together. We are a mere 5 hours apart, but do not know when we will be able to make our relationship concrete. I will wait for him, because I do believe that we are meant to be together. And because I know that he is worth it. Most of the time I feel so grateful that we have found each other again. But there are nagging times when I wish he would just choose me (even though I know that is not as easy as I wish it could be).

Wow. For anyone who actually made it to the end of my post, LOL, feel free to give me any and all advice, a word of encouragement, anything really.

[Redheart14]

So are you two actually in a relationship? Or just in constant communication?

[Xtina Marie4031]

Yes. We are in a relationship.

[Paljarwani]

Wow there is a lot of different emotions and people involved in this relationship it seems. I would suggest trying to use caution in anything you two decide. He is married, there are currently 3 people in your relationship. I may be biased as I am married and could never imagine falling ill and then my husband leaving me after starting an emotional affair with a woman from his past. I hope all involved can make choices with love and compassion in their hearts. Good luck with everything.

[Xtina Marie4031]

Yes, I knew I would get responses like this because of the whole 'til death do you part' thing, and I totally understand.

When him and I started talking again, who knew we'd fall in love again? I sure didn't. Through the years, he stayed in touch with my mom, and I think that was a comfort to me, after she passed. I knew how much he loved her. And after we got past the initial weirdness of talking to the other, it was almost like no time had passed, it was like going home.

He is a good man, hence the reason we have not closed the distance yet, nor met up in person, when both of us so easily could. He does feel a deep sense of obligation to her, and while I sometimes wish he didn't, it's one of the things I love about him. His sense of right and wrong.

But I am privy to the fact that their marriage- is no longer really a marriage. Many a night he runs downstairs to check on her, with me in his ear via an earbud. I hear their exchanges, and they are not the exchanges of a husband and a wife, they are exchanges of a nurse and patient. Because of the strokes, her brain no longer works the way it used to.

Not only that, but his health is suffering. He spends all day caring for her, and then all night working. He is tired all the time. He has been doing this for over 7 years now, with no reprieve. When does he get to do more than just exist to care for someone? When is it time to care for himself? What happens to the both of them if his health fails?

One night, when we were talking- just talking, nothing more than friends at this point. He told me how lonely he had been. That his wife did not or could not (I'm not entirely sure which) carry on conversations with him. She could tell him what she wanted or needed, and for the most part answer questions when asked, but that was all. He is trying to give her the best quality of life that he can, but what about his own quality of life? I don't see the fairness here.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to the book I had originally wrote, after reading it back, I didn't know if anyone would take the time to read it. LOL

[CJM987]

But I am privy to the fact that their marriage- is no longer really a marriage. Many a night he runs downstairs to check on her, with me in his ear via an earbud. I hear their exchanges, and they are not the exchanges of a husband and a wife, they are exchanges of a nurse and patient. Because of the strokes, her brain no longer works the way it used to.

Yes, she had so many strokes that I was told she was going to die 7 years ago. She can do nothing for herself, except use her neck & head. I feed her, change her, brush her hair, scratch an itch, dress her, read anything on the TV, cook, clean, do laundry, put limb splints on, etc. Her day consists of watching TV, listening to audio books at night, and telling me if she needs something. I work from home so I can take care of her, and I work at night because the day can be taken up with PT, OT, or doctor appointments.

[Xtina Marie4031]

Hi, baby! I thought you were just lurking lol