Quite frankly, after going though a divorce I never thought I'd find myself on a forum again and yet, here I am! After two years of online dating, armed with my fair share of horror stories, I have met a wonderful man who lives 700 miles from me. I should be elated because he has given me no cause-for-pause in the almost 2 mos we've been together and he's really been wonderful. With that said, I'm finding it so difficult to trust and open up to him without being in one another's physical presence. Meeting in person is something we both want however, work, covid and time are working against us. I'm a very confident and grounded woman but I feel like a vulnerable hot mess a lot of the time because of this distance thing! Hoping to be able to process what I'm feeling here vs overloading him with my insecurities. And I certainly don't want him feeling like he's needing to compensate for the sins of others from my past.
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We all need some encouragement at times, particularly during this pandemic.
That is why we are here on this forum! To give and receive encouragement.
Does he know that you are having insecurities and trust problems? Some time he is going to have to know. If he really cares for you then he will understand and help you through it. -
Hi Waxing Poetic,
I can completely relate. I separated nearly a year ago after many months of last ditch (4) counselling and many years of trying to make the relationship work. So when we broke up, it was mutual and certain.
I didn't expect to be in a relationship for a long time. I did online dating (just as covid hit lol) met some really nice people (I must have been lucky) but no one special and that was as much as I expected. But then I did, and we had an instant and amazing connection and it all started from there, totally unexpected.
Over the following months our love only grew as we moved from text to phone calls to video chats, and all the while we both fought with the expectation that "you can't fall for someone you've only met online".
It's been a roller coaster, especially with covid closing borders but we are still together and closer than ever. We haven't met yet, so I have that in the back of my mind, but we both feel the same, that this is the best relationship we've ever been in. I've nevr felt so close with someone and so excited about the future.
But it hasn't always been easy.
It can be hard to trust again, and you have to be true to yourself adn allow yourself, or your partner, that time to feel comfortable to trust again. My SO had been cheated on and had trust issues. It was important that she told me, over time, sort of eased into it, but I understood what she had been through and I did not take it personally. She told me honestly what had happened, in an almost matter of fact way but it allowed me ti understand how she would sometimes pull back. I also had anxiety too at times and we talked about this also.
The thing is, especially if there have been other significant relationships, we all have our baggage that we are working through and I think LDR is also difficult anyway so there is extra difficulty and anxiety and talking through things honestly but without demands can help a lot.
So I would suggest talking to your SO. He may well have picked up on a vibe or something he can't put his finger on that in turn worries him, and understanding where you are coming from will help him and help you as a couple.
I hope it all works out for you and I hope you get to meet in person soon.Comment
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Hey Waxing Poetic,
Welcome to the forum. We are full of encouragement here and, believe me, we know what you are going through. It's a great place to vent just to take some pressure off your relationship. It can be hard to find support for LDRs because they are a bit isolated (no mutual friends often etc)
Reach out whenever you need to!"The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again".
-Charles Dickens
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[QUOTE=OhioJim;451650}
Does he know that you are having insecurities and trust problems? Some time he is going to have to know. If he really cares for you then he will understand and help you through it.[/QUOTE]
Thank you for the support OhioJim. He does know I have trust issues - I shared my story with him right in the beginning and told him this was going to be a stretch for me. He's been very supportive and proactive. Just for some context, I had a very similar LDR with a man in FL and it progressed very much like this relationship. When it came time for us to meet he ghosted me and blocked me. No explanation, no closure. Very upsetting and disturbing. I just don't want to keep beating a dead horse with him and thought I'd reach out to people who are familiar with this distance challenge for support. So thank you!Comment
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Thanks D_M! Very encouraging to hear your story. I have talked to him about it and he's been great. Being isolated and alone in covid allows for a lot of thinking/imagination time too which doesn't help. I've cleaned all the closets and drawers I can and have even taken up doing stained glass to pass time without toxic thoughts. There just seems to be SO many things going on during that make the LDR even more difficult! Wishing you and your SO the best! You've REALLY got some distance between you.Comment
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Yep, that's the hard bit, getting caught up in a negative imagination.
And unfortunately you have to accept it is a bit of a roller coaster. One day you can feel so in love, 100%, on top of the world. Then, have a bad night's sleep, short responses from your SO and you can be playing out all kinds of scenarios.
And I don't know if it gets easier. I'd say, I have more confidence in our relationship now, and our feelings have grown so much, but then there is more to lose if it did go bad, so a bad though can feel catastrophic. I try an remember times when we've felt a bit distant and remind myself that it has ALWAYS come good... the proof being we are still together.
And I also remind my self of the good times and how great my SO can make me feel and I remember it is worth it.
And LDR is not forever. We will close the distance eventually. :-D
And the distance is hard. I think, once Covid is over, we will see each other every month to 6 weeks. That's the plan.Comment
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