Break up help?

[Frankenbat]

Me and my SO broke up less than 24 hours ago. The problem was she started off our relationship not trusting me for no reason, despite my efforts to show her I am trustworthy, and that spiraled out of control. Plus, the lack of understanding and appreciation for all that I did for her. I made a post about this months ago, I'll find it and attach it. It's much easier to read it, than for me to explain it all again ><

Anyways, she's hell bent on being best friends... wants to wait to change our relationship status... and texts me continuously asking if I've cried or you know stuff like that. I've cried a lot, heh. I don't know if I'm able to be friends right now, but at the same time, I'm not ready to have her out of my life... she's like all I have, literally.

I was okay... I only teared up randomly but I sucked it up, until she sent me this: "I know you think I didn't appreciate what you did to try to be here, but I did. And I can see how you would have gotten that impression that I didn't. And I'm really sorry I made you feel that way. I needed it to be about me. I didn't care about what you tried to do for me. I needed it to be about me 100 percent, and you gave me that. But I'm selfish and I needed more of it. I'm sorry though"

I lost it after that and I've been a crying mess since. I asked her why she never said that she appreciated what I did for her. and she replied with "I didn't know that you needed it." :,/


I don't even know if I want to get back together, I don't think that's what's bumming me out. I think the fact that I put in SO much effort and lost SO much and it still wasn't good enough. I feel upset towards her... and I don't know how to deal with this.

Here's that post, I apologize for this being so lengthy. Thank you anyone who takes the time to read this: https://members.lovingfromadistance....Picture-issues

[snow_girl]

I'm sorry to hear you two broke up. I don't think it is wise to switch over to friend mode immediately. You both need to take some time from each other and figure out your feelings without the other there to influence you.

[Jgui]

I'm sorry to hear you two broke up. I don't think it is wise to switch over to friend mode immediately. You both need to take some time from each other and figure out your feelings without the other there to influence you.

I couldn't agree more.. I think it's very hard to stay friends with your partner after a recent break up. There are still emotions and feelings you both may be feeling and it may interfere with the friendship. It's better to take some time apart to have things cool off then decided if you both can view each other as just friends. Not giving each other space after a break up may cause the friendship to break as well (if there were possibility to stay friends)

[rubydissolution]

I agree with the above posters. You cannot build a friendship right after you break up. All the emotions are still raw, and being around that person normally dredges up those feelings. You both need time apart to set that distance and the friendship boundaries. Once that time apart is over you can determine whether a friendship is even possible. Good Luck to you. It will get better.

[LuvSsw]

It hurts when you give yourself...your whole heart and mind to them and then it proves to be not good enough for them. You have every right to feel the way that you do. First... Be a friend to yourself above all....take care of your emotional needs. You deserve that.

[Sunnyside193]

Coming from a breakup these people have it right. We broke up on good terms and did stay friends for a litle bit but it doesnt help. We are now taking some time now and really even if you were to get back together you kinda need a break to find out what you want. Good luck to you

[squirrelz15]

I agree with the above posters. The ex that I'm good friends with, we took a break before we were able to be friends. It's to hard to be friends right away and keep your feelings in check. You need to take care of yourself right now.

[HollzHeartsChris]

My old SO and I broke up on mutual agreement and we weren't able to talk for awhile. We manage to text each other now though, without it causing too much grief. You need time that's all. Do yourself a favour and get yourself away from the situation. Once you've had the time to grief, then you can try to build the friendship. Just give it time though. It takes some people much longer to get over pain than others.

[Alemap]

Exes of mine have said this before, and I was always like, "Yeah, thanks for the consolation prize, but no thanks. I have enough friends already, and when I pick them, I generally go for people who haven't broken my heart." It sounds bitter, I know, but at the time, I always found the offer to be vaguely insulting, like they were offering me table scraps out of pity (this is just me - not saying this is how anyone else should feel). It's been my experience that saying, "Let's be friends," is far, far too often a cheap trick used by a dumper to make themself, not the dumpee, feel better, and to assuage feelings of guilt, or to have their cake and eat it too, by not having to actually deal with the loneliness of losing the dumpee from their life.

But enough of that, because none of that's helping you, so let's focus on what will; you can't get over someone when they're around. That's all-too-often the simple truth, and I urge you to take it to heart; maybe someday you can be friends, but right now, you need to assert your need for space so that you can grieve in private, with dignity, and eventually start to heal. I would say tell her you need space, cut contact, and don't initiate it again (and even then, only if you really want to) until you are completely over her romantically. If you're still hurting, don't delude yourself that having contact with her will make it better - it will just remind you of how much you miss her, and spin the painful part out longer. Heartbreak is like a scab, and contact with your ex is like scratching at it; it feels slightly better for a few seconds, then you realise all you've done is reset the healing process back to stage one, and you have to go through it all over again from the beginning. Once it's healed, it's okay to scratch that area again because there's no longer a wound there to worsen, but surprisingly often, now that the healing process is completed, you find it doesn't even itch anymore, anyway.
Leave the scab alone, cut her out of your life and get the distance you need to heal. What you do after that - whether you reinitiate contact or not - is entirely between you and your own heart, but for now, you need to go through the pain and the itching before it'll ever heal enough to stop.

P.S. If she asks if you've been crying, tell her that it's none of her business - because even if she's genuinely concerned for you, it isn't her place to get to know what's going on with you, anymore.

[annb8888]

I read your past thread about her not trusting you and not acknowledging you exist.

I'm sorry you broke up but I think you're better off without an untrusting girlfriend. PLUS, you don't deserve to be treated like that. It hurts, I know since I had my share of heartache in the past with someone I loved so much but he kept me hidden and didn't even introduce me to his parents or friends - I am better without that guy, I didnt deserve him and you don't deserve to get treated like that.

Love is supposed to be mutual - if it's a one way road, it's never going to work.

For now, stay clear from her. Mend your heart. Love yourself before you can love others. Don't give her attention for now. And the one message I always tell myself after a heartache ...

"There's so much more to life than one person who fucked you up."

[Bethypoo]

I agree with Snow_girl. You just need to let her know that at this time, you need you time. And that she can do the same. But right now, you need to deal with it with someone else and not her. Its pouring salt on a wound and you just need to take that time for yourself and figure out how you feel and where to go from here.

Im sorry to hear about the break up, at we are all here if you need us.

[Frankenbat]

Thank you all so much. Hah crying happy tears now.

I finally gained enough courage to hide some of the things that remind me of her. I didn't return her "I love you" as she went off to work, It's difficult... but I feel okay right now. I've been trying to remind myself that she gave up on me, and it makes me feel a little better.
I do feel that either she's keeping me around out of pity because I lost everything when I was with her or until she feels better and can toss me away without so much as a second thought. Either way, I'm a few steps closer to cutting all contact.

I've never felt this way before about a break up... I've never connected with another individual the way that I connected with her. So, while it hurts like hell, I'm doing my best to be optimistic and open my mind about the situation and not hold back feelings. (i.e. crying and being angry)

Thank you all so much for your support, you have no idea how much it means to me.

Just wondering... does anyone have any suggestions on what I could do to well... feel less blah?
I have the cutting off of contact part down. I just feel unmotivated to... anything now. which is normal apparently... but I'm not sure if I should just go with it or try to force myself to do something?

[ChibiFelicia]

For me after a break up I have to let all my feelings out. Cry it all out for a couple of days, scream in to the pillow a lil bit, generally all upset. Then I force myself to do something. I cant let myself be upset for too long. Do something i enjoy, go out with friends, get my hair done, nails etc xD It'll be hard for a while but i normally get over it.

I feel you need that time to feel blah, but dont run with it for too long.

[annb8888]

Just wondering... does anyone have any suggestions on what I could do to well... feel less blah?
I have the cutting off of contact part down. I just feel unmotivated to... anything now. which is normal apparently... but I'm not sure if I should just go with it or try to force myself to do something?

I came from a really hard break up with my 2nd boyfriend. I really felt like he's "the one" eventhough he treated me like shit. I was so blind by being in love with him that even if my friends tell me he's not worth it, I never saw the negative side but only his positive sides - he hid me from his family and I thought like maybe he's not ready yet but I have been with him for 3 freaking years!

anyway after I broke up with him, yea, it's normal to cry and be angry and like putting a stop to your world - that's okay. But after a day or two of crying - the next thing is acceptance. Accept that it didn't work out and that there will be other chances for you to find that someone who would mean to you like she did - and possibly more. For now, love yourself. Don't lock yourself up in your room, go out with friends! Go Tumblr-in ... chat with friends. Have dinner with your family, go out with your brothers or sisters. Take those hobbies and lessons that you always wanted to do. Challenge yourself to achieve the things you want - dance, sing, act - go do sports, those will keep you busy PLUS those would open yourself to meet new friends as well.

Surround yourself with family and friends. They might not heal you from your hurt but they can certainly be a good support for you. They will give you the reason that your world wasn't only about her. It's more importantly also about YOU.

[Alemap]

What annb888 said; keep busy, keep people around you, stay distracted so you don't spiral.
Also, eat healthily, even if you normally wouldn't, because your system has taken a big shock and it's far too easy to get sick after a breakup. Also, eating well will give you more energy. Don't underestimate the endorphin rewards of high physical exertion, either; take up a particularly aerobic martial art (like boxing, for example), or start running - even if it feels like torture at first, it'll lend you confidence and self-value as you improve. Surround yourself with things that normally lift your mood, whether that's playing jazz (at a respectful volume) at 3am, watching Disney classics, cuddling puppies at the pet shop or cooking a favourite dish. This is your time, and it's all about you.
You sound like a badass breakup warrior, and you should be tremendously proud with how well you've already done. If I were there, I would buy you a pint by way of congratulation. :-)