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**Caitlin2009** · May 2, 2010, 11:44 AM

really have a full length conversation with him at some point, say something like "Look we really need to talk about our relationship, i dont feel happy at the moment..." then go on from there. best advice i can really give you at the moment

**Zephii** · May 2, 2010, 11:53 AM

That makes me so sad

Like Caitin said, all you really can do about it is talk. But remember that often men understand things in a different way than women, so tailor your approach to better get through to him. When you do talk, have specific examples of actions that have mad you feel sad, or have given the impression he doesn't care. (If possible) And try to approach one painful subject at a time. You might see them as all linked, but he is more likely to see them as seperate, so tackle one issue at a time if there are several.
He might think that nothing has changed and that he is showing you love, and you might need to provide examples of how you need to be shown love.
Just be honest, and ask for his undivided attention before you start talking.
He loves you, he will do his best to understand, surely.
Peace, Love and Carrots xx

**ginaxnj** · May 15, 2010, 11:18 AM

So instead of starting a whole other topic I decided to use my last one.. I have talked to SO throughly about why I'm not happy and nothing has really changed. I still feel the same and I hate feeling like this. I feel like hes giving hardly any effort into the whole relationship. I was in a bad mood last night cuz I was feeling sad and all I wanted to do was hear his voice but sadly that didn't happen. Whenever I do tell him that I want to hear his voice he makes it seem like kind of a hassle and then when we say bye he says to me in either text or IM "how you feeling?" I tell him that I'm feeling better but it feels like to me that he would be ok with never hearing my voice. It drives me crazy by the fact that hes not wanting to do any of this stuff. I actually have to mention it or it would never enter his brain. If I tell him that he says back to me, "Well then why are you with me. I am what I am, take it or leave it." I wouldn't have stayed with him for a year and almost 5 months now. I would have left many, many months ago if I didn't want to be with him.

I'm sure like 99% of you get sad sometimes because of the distance between you and your SO and I'm sure you tell him about it if your feeling down or whatnot. Well I feel like lately I've been down a lot. I can't even remember the last time my SO was sad cuz of our crappy distance cuz he never tells me about it anymore. Him not talking to me if he is feeling down and in his words its "complaining." I don't think of it that way. It's just expressing your feelings and I guess being a guy and all that's harder to do. It's making this relationship so much harder for me because he doesn't tell me how he feels and I'm just going along thinking that he's ok with being almost 3,000 miles away from me. He said to me last night that its not always going to be sunshine. I know that but atleast make it easier for me since at the moment your not making anything easier for me. I'm just getting the feeling that he doesn't care, like whatever happens, happens.

If I can also get a guys opinion on this since I feel clueless about the opposite sex. I just don't understand why guys just don't put effort into things and think the girl is just going to remember it all and do it all.

With all of this going on, its very hard for me to not be thinking about letting him go. There is a part of me that just can't let him go, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I feel so lonely all the time. I feel like I have a friend that I talk to mostly via IM and/or txt who says the cute words and says i love you but thats as far as it goes. He'll never go out of his way to do something for me. If I ask him why he thinks I'm this or that, he responds with very short almost 1 words answers. It just bugs me how he doesn't even put effort into the little things.

I don't know what to do anymore! PLEASE HELP!

**deseonadie** · May 15, 2010, 01:15 PM

I was looking back at old IM conversations between my boyfriend and me that I had saved, and they largely comprised me saying the same thing. In hindsight, I wasn't listening to him as well as I should have. I was just so sad and frustrated then. I did learn that if I want something, I should ask for it. There is no "Well, if they love me they should know by now that I like it when this happens..." because that's just way too much pressure on your SO, and pretty unfair to them, and sets you up for some serious disappointment. I just say "It would mean so much to me if you would call me or video me when I'm feeling sad. Your voice is such a comfort to me. It's okay if you don't know what to say, just being there means so much." etc. and don't use language that implies they've been doing it wrong this whole time. It's kind of a pain in the ass to spell everything out, but if they get it, then it's soo worth it. Your communication is just off right now. If they are in fact not giving the relationship any consideration, then it should be over already. I sincerely doubt that's happening if you two are still together, and you two have a connection -- don't underestimate that connection, either; it's what's going to keep you guys together right now.

**ginaxnj** · May 15, 2010, 01:32 PM

Originally posted by deseonadie View Post

I was looking back at old IM conversations between my boyfriend and me that I had saved, and they largely comprised me saying the same thing. In hindsight, I wasn't listening to him as well as I should have. I was just so sad and frustrated then. I did learn that if I want something, I should ask for it. There is no "Well, if they love me they should know by now that I like it when this happens..." because that's just way too much pressure on your SO, and pretty unfair to them, and sets you up for some serious disappointment. I just say "It would mean so much to me if you would call me or video me when I'm feeling sad. Your voice is such a comfort to me. It's okay if you don't know what to say, just being there means so much." etc. and don't use language that implies they've been doing it wrong this whole time. It's kind of a pain in the ass to spell everything out, but if they get it, then it's soo worth it. Your communication is just off right now. If they are in fact not giving the relationship any consideration, then it should be over already. I sincerely doubt that's happening if you two are still together, and you two have a connection -- don't underestimate that connection, either; it's what's going to keep you guys together right now.

I have told him that well not in those exact words of "it would mean so much to me..." but along those lines and it would happen maybe once afterwards and thats pretty much it. I don't feel like I should be reminding him all the time. He never has to remind me to do anything cuz I just do cute things for him anyway if he asks or not. I like surprising him with cute stuff and I NEVER get that in return. Thus making one of the many reasons for me wanting him to put more effort into the relationship.

**MAB15** · May 15, 2010, 01:33 PM

Of course, one of the best things you can do is discuss it with him in the most positive way you know how to...since you have done that and still feel the same, I have a few suggestions on what you can do, but it is totally up to you

When you are feeling sad and need reassurance like hearing his voice and such, did you simply tell him that's what you need to help you feel better? Does he ask "what can I do to make this better?" What does he do when you address the issue that you feel that he's not putting in an effort? When I feel that my lover is not putting forth his effort in the relationship he normally doesn't realize...sometimes people don't want to admit that they are or aren't doing something...sometimes my boyfriend realizes and apologizes and asks "what can i do to make this better?" and Sometimes he is just so busy and so distracted and stressed with other things in his life (he doesn't like to admit he's stressed) so it affects the way he interacts with our relationship which makes me think he doesn't care. How does he make it seem like ind of a hassle? Perhaps its a misinterpretation? I misinterpret how my boyfriend says things often an it turns out half the time the way I interpret it isn't even how he's meaning it at all. It's a good thing he is texting you or IMing you to check in with your feelings. That shows he does care. Sometimes I over think things to the point that in my head it's something completely different than what is happening in reality. Perhaps what would happen if you focused on changing your thoughts into that of positive ones? Like for example, instead of focusing on what he's not doing and didn't do and such maybe focus and praise him on good things he is doing and such...I know that when I get into a mode of focusing on what my boyfriend is or isn't doing I lose sight of what's really happening. So I begin to praise him on things he does do like text me to check in with how I am feeling because it is better than nothing at all you know? When I do this then my boyfriend opens up and does so much without my even asking, sometimes it takes a change in my attitude and such to create a change in my lover.

Are you sure he is 'not wanting' to do any of this, or is that your interpretation of it? Perhaps he wants to he just feels down about how you feel? Also remember that guys do not work like us...it may enter his brain or it may not. His comment about "Well then why are you with me. I am what I am, take it or leave it." seems a little bit like he feels like he is who he is and by you noticing all these things he does or doesn't do maybe that makes him feel a little bad? or maybe he feels like he tries but it's not enough. The thing I realizes with my boyfriend is, even through his stressful times in his life, I need to learn that he is going to react in the relationship differently, so now I adjust to that and don't make a big deal out of him not putting forth an effort because I know why it is. I accept him for who he is at every given moment in his life because he'll constantly be changing and growing. Has your boyfriend told you why perhaps maybe it seems as if he is not putting forth an effort?-like something going on in his life?

Sounds like you definitely want to be with him! I have been down for a long period of time to...but there are a lot of factors that play into that. Take a deep breath and asses your life and what's going on in it, is there anything else that is bothering you? Are you feeling down about anything else? Ask yourself these types of questions and go from there. If it is nothing else and the main source is the relationship then I am not really too sure. You will know what is best for YOU

Also just remember just because they don't show they're sad, doesn't mean they aren't. Guys are hard to read sometimes. My boyfriend and I went on a picnic one of the first days we met, he seemed so sad I didn't think he was enjoying himself at all and that he didn't like me and wasn't attracted to me. haha turns out he felt "amazing and he had so much fun and was scared shitless and couldn't believe what was before his eyes" so it's an example of reading wrong-my boyfriend left yesterday morning to go back home, I was bawling and he wasn't- he didn't show that because he feels like he needs to be strong for me...which is true because if he were to bawl it would make it harder for me... I am sure he is sad! he probably misses you like crazy! and OMG okay he feels that it's complaining when he expresses when he is feeling down...remember men are brought up differently then us, so for him to show their feelings perhaps isn't 'manly' because it is complaining! where you are brought up to show our feelings and cry and express our sadness because we use our emotions and such...the other day my boyfriend said he didn't want to express something because it is complaining...but i expressed there is a difference between complaining and expressing something that you feel is true within you. this helped him see a little bit of where I am coming from. It is so much harder for a guy to express himself and this takes patience, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and he is still struggling with this, but I have to be patient and accept him as he is. Hard to be patient but so worth it! We are essentially being teachers in this realm for him (it is very unfamiliar territory for them I bet) Just imagine trying to do something that is do unfamiliar to you, must be scary! Have you tried to express to him that him expressing himself to you and even just trying his best to articulate his thoughts into feelings and words will help you understand what is going on with him so you aren't left to assume and go by your thoughts of the situation. Him expressing makes it easier. Of course things aren't always going to be sunshine and you know that. He does care I promise, the 'whatever happens happens' vibe is part of some guys just going with the flow. Well not all think the girl is going to remember it all and do it all...has your boyfriend specifically sad this? Normally we do remember a lot and do a lot, but we aren't always perfect on that side to. Sometimes my effort is very slim because I am so busy with school and such...do not let him go...work at it, fight for it. I hope this helps your feelings of loneliness and is somewhat comforting. My boyfriends texts are like that to...short...mine are...long haha something that is just natural...some guys like to keep it simple and to the point...Don't give up! Everything is okay and Everything will be okay!

-Moni

**ginaxnj** · May 15, 2010, 02:02 PM

I never get from him "what can I do to make this better?" I wish I did. It would make things easier if he did. I don't get the sense that he is either distracted, busy or stressed because he would tell me if he was. I mean if my SO was wanting to do any of the things I would like, I would not even be writing all of this right now. He does try to some extent but not nearly half as much as I try. I just wish that he would put half of the effort that I put into the relationship. This whole thing is about him wanting to do stuff and me not having to either hint or tell him do things. I mean how many times can I tell him to do the same stuff. Thats basically the effort I'm talking about. I do so many things for him even though he never asks for it but I do it so he knows how I feel about him and I don't get that in return without having to tell him. It's pretty much just wanting to be surprised. That would pretty much just fix everything if once and awhile he would surprise me with something cute or just call me when I wasn't expecting it. That really doesn't seem like too much for him to handle. Its not like hes real busy all of the time since when he gets home from work he's either watching some sporting event or playing games online. He does have time to atleast make me feel special that way I do for him.

**ValadinShadow** · May 17, 2010, 12:53 PM

I JUST had this conversation with my SO. I feel the same way, that our relationship doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, and that it never seems like this distance is hard for him because he doesn't ever tell me. Basically all the stuff you said? Ditto. I posted something a while ago that Zephii responded to, and her response really hit me. She said "Simply put - he doesn't care as much about the relationship as you do. His instincts are not wired that way, nor is his social conditioning." That really made me think (thanks Zephii!). It was not something I wanted to hear, nor was it something I liked, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Women are trained from a young age (on purpose or not, it's our culture) to focus on relationships. Ours is an empathetic brain that focuses on interpersonal relationships. Men are the opposite. They are trained to focus on career, and providing for the family. They are supposed to be the strong protectors. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, it just IS. That shifted my thinking a little, and made some things make a little more sense, like the fact that he wants to prolong the distance to work for a couple years. He wants to make sure he provided for me.
During our conversation the other night, I accused my SO of not having a hard time with the distance. It's not the first time we have beaten around this particular bush, and probably won't be the last, but he finally told me that he DOES have a hard time, and that he just deals with it by shutting it away. If he doesn't talk about it, or even think about how hard it is, it's slightly less painful. Do I understand? No. I need to hear that this is hard for him too, that he misses me, that he wishes we could be together. But if doing that causes him pain? I don't know. Women talk about things. Men go hit things instead.
I have also had trouble getting him to video chat, or even talk on the phone some times. He finally told me that the reason he doesn't want to talk in those places is because I sound and look so sad when he has to go. And he hates hurting me in anyway, so that makes voice chat hard for him. Maybe your SO has the same problem, and he just won't admit it?
I hope some of this helps. I know how frustrating this situation can be. ::hugs:: I wish I could help more, or tell you the best thing to do, but I can't, because I don't know what that is. I'm still fighting through it myself. If you need to talk, you can always PM me. Good luck.

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