How do you deal with jealousy of those who are CD?

[dukes2011]

Hey everyone! For those of you who don't know me I'm Allison and as you may have read on here, I'm currently a grad student in NY while my boyfriend is a teacher in VA. A lot of our friends have moved in together after graduating undergrad or live near each other. Many are talking about getting engaged soon and we know many people who already are. I don't want to get married yet since we're only 22 and 23 and both very broke. Since I'm in school and then have to get a fellowship to become a licensed speech pathologist, we can't close the distance until February 2014 at the earliest.

It's really hard not to get jealous of others who don't have the distance. I know that being jealous doesn't make the distance between us shorter or make time go faster, but even so I can't shake the jealousy. Friends often try to be sympathetic saying stuff like, "I wish you guys could just be together" or "That must be really hard to not see him a lot" but sometimes that makes it harder. I know we could have it a lot worse and I always count my blessings, but sometimes people get stuck in a rut. I'm generally not a jealous person, so this is really catching me off guard.

How do you cope with jealousy? What do you say to people who try to help but it make it harder without sounding rude? I appreciate all your help!! You guys are all amazing and I'm really grateful to have you and keep me grounded.

[Bethypoo]

I know how you feel. And you and I have talked a lot about school and the distance. I think when it comes to dealing with the people around you, sometimes you should just go with it and spend some time with you friends who are CD. Other times, you really should be honest and let them know you are thankful for invites but sometimes it is hard to see couples together when you are alone. Most people will try and still get you to go but then they will understand.

It is okay to be jealous it is a normal human emotion. You need to work with it. I know you dont want to be rude but you need to stand up for how you feel and sometimes say " Yea, it is really hard not to see him." If they are close friends they will get the picture. Just talk to them. Dont seclude yourself because you need a life, but let them know that sometimes it is a drag and that it is just something you are dealing with.

Chris and I talk on the phone at night. So unless it is finals or there is a particular thing going on, most of my friends know that by 10 I will want to be home so I can talk to him. And they respect that. I just had to be honest.

hope that helped

[annb8888]

When other couples ask me out, sometimes I do have the feeling "out of place." but I agree with bethypoo, you also need to live your life. It is sometimes annoying and frustrating to see your friends hugging their SOs and you're just alone. But like my SO always tell me - I'm never alone, he said he's with me in my heart. (I know it sounds cheesy but my SO is like cheesier than I am, seriously)

So even if I go out with couples, I try not to think of the physical aspect because for now, it's their time to hug and be close with each other -- and WE'RE GOING TO HAVE OUR OWN TIME soon too.

And I'm the same as you, we can't actually be really together & close the distance until after 2014.

[11MikesGirl21]

I agree too. Just go about your life. Do your relationship routine. You may not get to see your SO as often but your probably have better communication with him than your friends in CDRs do. That's what I tend to think about when I have one of those days where it seems every couple on campus has chosen to make me miserable.

I'm not personally friends with alot of people on campus who have their SO nearby. My floor in my building is essentially LD central. lol. So I don't run into the problem of being invited along as a third wheel. But I'll have my time when my visits are over for good, again same as you 2014. And while I'm getting my visits now I probably cherish every touch, hug, kiss and cuddle more than they do while they see each other every day. So when I look at it that way in my head, I win. I'm still a little jealous, but in my head, I win.

[carolynred]

I so know what you mean! Sometimes it makes me miss my SO like crazy when I see other couples on campus. But what I try to do is remember why I chose this path of a LDR. How much he means to me, and that there is a reason why I was willing to sacrifice time with him to hopefully close the distance later. That he means the world to me that waiting for him will be tough, yes, but manageable.

Plus, it may look like everyone is happy and love-dovey with their SO in a close distance relationship, but half of the time I never see those couples again anyway. xD You can do it

[Jgui]

i understand what you mean.. my friends always say to me how can i do this distance thing, or they'll say to me it sucks that i can't see him.. but i just keep living my life as is. i know me SO and i share something that my friends won't understand and dont have.

[Zapookie]

I don't really get jealous over others. It's more of an envy kind of thing, but then I brush it off. I try not to hang out with friends if I know that there's going to be a dating couple with us or in the group. It's just easier for me to avoid me feeling awkward in situations.

If I see couples in the street or something, I don't really take much notice. Sometimes though I wish that he was just there with me so I could hold his hand while crossing the road, or just go grocery shopping with him.

People always ask how my SO is because they met him when he was here... and I just say that he's good, and we're still good. And then it gets awkward because I instantly miss him and I tend to look away to hide the sadness on my face.

It's hard. You just have to be strong.

[floridaellen]

I understand exactly how you feel. I hang out with my friend and her fiance a lot and sometimes it gets me pretty sad/jealous. Then I remember that my SO and I will have that time together pretty soon.

[kittyo9]

Omg I feel like that all the time... Especially with this one couple with the girl who lives in my suite... He's always over here and they are the loudest kissers I have ever heard... So it's a double whammy, because not only am I jealous, I'm disgusted (the sound of kissing irritates me to no end). I've also had a lot of jealousy of LDR couples who do get to be together. For example, my roommate's boyfriend came over from Turkey not long ago (she is also from Turkey) for two weeks. Another one of my friends had her bf from Germany here for a month just before that. It really bothers me, and as happy as I am for them, I'm constantly thinking, "why me?"

You mentioned not getting married because you can't afford it. I'm so glad somebody else is thinking like this! I an graduating college soon and my boyfriend the year after, and we have discussed getting married and decided we will certainly not have our wedding until we can afford it. However, one of the things you might consider is getting legally married, then having your weeding ceremony later. Legal marriage costs no more than $100 in the US. I understand you are not ready yet, but when you are, it's something you might consider.

[DemonxOisin]

At first I was jealous of his female friends (of which he has MANY, heīs one of THOSE guys lol). And I thought it was because, well obviously, they are females that he spends more time with. But then I started to feel jealous of his best friend Daniel, and it made me realize that itīs not that kind of jealousy. That made it so much easier to deal with.

[uniquefem]

ohh hahah past few weeks really hard on me! and i know how you feel!

I work in area where many expat live with their gf.. seeing local girls hugging their caucasian bf made me want to cry! and happens lot of time when my chest feel really heavy.. and i feel so sad that my SO far far away! and want him! hahah

But then i know its worth the wait... i could wait until we could be together because he is so worth the pain and the tears! i can not live without him thats for sure... and what good a cd if its not with him???

I tried to made my self busy... and when my friends and their bf ask me to join them for a movie night out i will go with them.. but after that i will try to talk with my bf and share the movie or night out story just try to be positive and yeah.. its hard and sometimes unbearable... but for him... i think i could do it!

[dukes2011]

Thanks for all the support and encouragement! Your advice really helped a lot. Glad to know there are many people out there with the same feelings :-)

[Malaga]

My friend was also in a LDR with a guy she met online, for about 10 months before their first visit. Which also turned out to be their only visit. She had quite a bit of money saved up, so she just decided to take a year off work and move to his place. They've been living together now for 5 months already and it's all going pretty good. They're in the process of officially closing the distance and she's looking for a job there. Even when she had to go back home to get the paperwork sorted, he took time off work and went with her.

I'm happy for her of course, but I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy sometimes when I think she never had to go through this cycle of saying goodbye, missing each other, relying on Skype and texts as the only ways to keep in touch. Everything that we'll probably have to put up with for a couple more years. I know that she knows what's it like, but she doesn't know what's it like to have to constantly go back to it.
And the most my boyfriend and I can put together is 10 days, and this won't change for a while.

[Xanahtas]

I dont get jealous. I get upset sometimes because cant be here and we cant be like other couples but i dont really get jealous. I more just wish he could be here but i think LDR have a lot more communication and trust than CD (not saying thats true all the time, but ive you've been LD or are LD, you have to put more trust in usually because they're not about). And i just think of the awesome times to come when he is next here