Differences in communication needs

[pink08]

Hello to everyone,

I am new on this forum and this is my first post. I am having problems deal with something that is not equally important to me and my bf. We have been together for 2 years, LDR the whole time and normally we talk daily on MSN and text often. However, I miss hearing his voice and to me it is important to have that kind of communication as well and I have to admit that I am the type of person who likes talking on the phone. He, on the other hand, is not. I can understand that, we are not all the same. So, here are my questions:

Is is wrong of me to expect of him to compromise and to speak to me sometimes (like once a week, or something)?

Am I wrong to feel hurt that sometimes he cannot accept it and talk for 5min? I cannot avoid not to feel rejected by it.

I am aware that this post might not even make a lot of sense. I just feel confused by this. I hope some of you can share your opinions and experiences with me and maybe it will help me to understand this better.

A bit more info, so you do not get the wrong impression. The two of us have met in person, I have met his family and stayed in his house all 3 times I have been there to visit him. His family seem to like me and I like them.

Many time I have tried to call my bf but he keeps his phone on silent, so he does not pick up. I thought to try to call his home phone and when I asked him if that would be okay, he said no. He lives with his mum and gran, so partly it might be privacy issue. I live with my mum and it is the same for me. I find it really hard to understand why he does not want me to ring his landline sometimes, or just one time, to say hi to his mum or something, ask how they all are doing ... nothing rude or awkward. Those phone calls are not cheap, so it would last 5min maximum. It is not like I would call every day or be impolite in any way.

Sorry for this being too long. Thanks in advance.

[xsomanymilesx]

no, it is not wrong for you to want him to compromise, all reletionships have compromises in them; even more so for an LDR, and this is a pretty trivial thing; talking on the phone.
i agree with you, you need that kind of communication and i miss my boyfriends voice all the time; luckily he goes on voice call on MSN and stuff, and sometimes il ring him if i get a spare moment. but since my parents dont know about him, its hard to call and stuff - but your parents and his parents know about you going out so its not really an issue of blowing the secret. i dont know, he must just really not like talking on the phone.
i think the best thing you can do is talk to him; you're not being unreasonable in my opinion; theres obviously something bugging him more than not liking talking on the phone - otherwise he'd just do it. maybe hes really shy ? id talk to him and maybe try like a voicecall on MSN because its less stressful than a phone call and there can be silences without it being awkward!
good luck !

[Caity]

I agree with trying a voicecall on msn, or skype or anything similar. It's free so you can talk for as long as you want. My SO was also really shy about talking to me, but the more we did it the more he got used to it and more comfortable with it. He's naturally a very quiet person and doesn't talk much whereas i can talk to him for ages about whatever pops into my head, so it doesn't put too much pressure on him to have to talk. Maybe you could suggest that to him rather than talking on the phone.

[Zephii]

I understand where he's comming from, it took me ages to get over my fear of headsets to talk to Obi - and now I don't know how we lasted so long without it! But no you're not unreasonable.
the way Obi explained it to me was this: In an LDR you're missing out on so much. You can't see them, smell them, touch them, taste or hear them. So all you have is this one little thing - text. It's hard to make and keep it real with just that. You need to reach out and give each other something so they know there's a real person on the other side of that computer screen. You need to find new ways to give them what they would already have in person.

I suggest finding out exactly why he's uncomfortable with phones and dealing with that first.

[pink08]

Thank you all for quick replies. I really appreciate it. I do agree with you. It is so trivial that I never imagined having this problem until I asked him if it would be okay for me to ring his landline when his phone is on silent and he cannot hear it to answer. We have spoken on skype many times, it is not an issue, but recently my mum moved in with me, so it is a bit awkward to talk when she is around, so we stopped it. However, I am not against it and would love to use skype still from time to time. I simply found it shocking that I am not allowed to ring his home phone when everyone there know about me and they all like me (as far as I know and I have spent enough time with them that iit would be unfair of me to think that they do not like me). I am considering to ring despite knowing that my bf sees it as something disrespectful since he told me he does not want me to call and if I do, he will be annoyed.

It is all confusing and hard to decide what do to. I've tried talking to him and he just says that it is not easy. I just cannot accept that after 2 years of being together I am not welcome to ring him. If someone should have a problem with it or feel shy then it would be me because English is not my first language.

[folclor]

he should compromise for you. Have y'all ever tried talking on webcam or voice over MSN? Alex and I do that usually about once a week. It makes you feel a little closer and he might like it more than the phone.

[pink08]

Yes, we have tried talking on webcam and voice on MSN, but we kind of liked skype more (back when we used it often). We do keep cam on often while we type on MSN. It is the phone that seems to be the problem and I cannot settle on not being able to ring my bf when I need to talk to him. Today, I rang his mobile twice so far and he did not answer. He texts me and replies to my texts without saying anything about missing phone calls. The number is probably hidden, so he cannot know for sure that it was me due to calling from skype, but I think that he can guess. I even told him it was me in my last text and asked him to let me know when we can speak. I am not holding my hopes up about it though. For him, it is disrespectful that I want to ring and for me it is disrespectful that I haven't rang by now. I really do not understand it how something like this can be a problem:s and me being as stubborn as I am, I cannot ignore it and accept that taking on the phone is not an option.

I apologise for ranting here about something that should not be a problem at all, and yet, it is.

[Bluestars]

I agree with the others who say that you need a compromise. I have a few questions though.

How often does he talk to you on his cell phone?
Does he ever answer you when you call his cell phone?
Does he have his cell phone on silent for a reason? Basically, I mean is he not answering the phone because he is busy?

In my opinion, the last question is the most important. You say that, when your boyfriend's phone is on silent, you call his land line and that makes him mad. If he has his phone on silent because he is busy, then it is probably not best to call his house phone either. For example, the only time I will ever have my phone on silent is when I am in class, at work, or with friends or family. People should not be expected to answer their phone 27-7....which is one problem that cell phones create.

However, if your boyfriend notices that you are calling, he could possibly handle the situation a tad better. For example, he could send you a text saying he is too busy to talk but will text you back when he is done. Either that or he could answer the phone and tell you he is busy. Instead of calling him, maybe you could try texting him and asking him if he can talk on the phone. Since you said he still texts you when he does not answer the phone, this might be another solution.

Best wishes and hope you two can come to a mutual agreement!

[pink08]

Bluestars - Thanks for your reply. Anyway, I was okay with how our communication was before until I found out about the phone issue. Actually, I have never called his landline during the whole 5 years I have known him in total. I always had the number but I thought it was easier to contact his mobile and not bother his family. I never thought that it would be a problem for me to dial his landline to contact him if other ways are not available. I am a busy person too, and often do not get a chance to call, so when I do get the chance I try to make it happen because I miss him. Maybe you got the impression that I call too often or something but really that is not the case. It only happened yesterday and before that it had been months since I last tried to phone him.

Sorry, maybe I did not answer your questions in the order you asked, so in case I missed some:

How often does he talk to you on his cell phone?
Rarely, in fact only when I am really upset because he refused to talk the previous day or something. Rarely that he ever calls out of the blue to suprise me.

Does he ever answer you when you call his cell phone?
He used to before, but recently he does not answer when I call saying that he does not see it and when he does the number is hidden, so he does not know it was me.

Does he have his cell phone on silent for a reason? Basically, I mean is he not answering the phone because he is busy?
He does not like phones, so he keeps it on silent. He can be busy but even if he is not, he would not see it is ringing.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of this, I do not know anymore, just for me talking on the phone is something so normal and especially needed in LDR situation. I wish I knew real reasons for all of this mess and problems but there is no way for me to find out and I have tried talking, everything I could think of. If I did not know that I am not allowed to call his home phone, I would not see our irregular phone communication as a problem. I would explain it to myself as a reason of long distance and it being expensive.

[Alisz]

You said he's not a phone person, I'm the same way. I have no problems talking on Skype, but rarely do I talk on the phone. It's mostly a privacy issue. Also, my phone has pretty crappy quality that I miss half of what is said anyways. And it's physically uncomfortable to talk on. But, yeah, with the phone I can get interrupted by a number of things. Other people wanting to use it and potentially listening in. Since it's a wireless phone, the batteries could die or again, frequencies could cross and someone could hear me or vice versa. Then there's call waiting... I hate getting it and I hate when other people get it. And then there's just plain nosy people who notice I was on the phone and when I'm off it ask, "Who was that? What did they want?" :/ If I don't have to use it, I don't bother. But I don't mind Skype because I know that it's just us talking and the interruptions are few and far between.

[Mio]

I hope he can compromise with you in this matter!

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

The SO isn't big on phone conversations. When he does want to talk a lot I get really excited....lol he's just not a big talker when he isn't face to face (even then he's not what I'd call really talkative). But we do make it a point to call everyday and at least talk a few minutes and say 'goodnight I love you.' Have you suggested that? Maybe you can get him into the habit of a weekly phone call, just to say "hey I love you. miss you" I'm the same way about just wanting/needing to hear his voice. I've also asked the SO to record a few things for me and email the file to me so I can listen to his voice when I want. I think it's important to compromise here. It sounds like you're trying to be as understanding as you can, while still getting some of what you want. Maybe put it to him like that, tell him you understand that he's not a big 'phone person' but you need him to understand your desire/need to hear his voice now and then.