Is the phrase "I see us marrying in the future" true?

[annb8888]

I had 2 past boyfriends and in both I saw "us marrying in the future" but it never came true. Since then, I try not to think about marriage and anything related to it until I met my LDR this year.

Now my problem is, I was thinking about us this morning on the way to work and I was sort of alarmed that I don't see us marrying in the future. I don't know if it's because of our age gap that will cause us trouble or that I always have that thinking in my mind that he would meet someone his age and leave me. Or that his parents will never approve of us.

But I thought if my past two boyfriends whom I saw "us marrying in the future" didn't even come true, this time it's all clouded and I'm getting scared that I might be setting myself up for an impending heartbreak that NOW I'm thinking about breaking off with him to spare me another heartbreak. But last night (his morning) we were on skype and he went on working on his studies while watching over me sleep, which he often does, so i don't know. There's no problem for now but I can't shake the fact that this morning I don't see us marrying in the future although he has expressed marriage at some point in our relationship but I'm just scared that this is just a phase for him, being younger and all.

[Alemap]

I have a controversial opinion on this; I don't think marriage should be discussed early in a relationship. Not at all. Not until at least after the 1st anniversary, and only then when one or both partners are either trying to work out whether they are on the same page with regards to longterm goals/expectations (i.e. to avoid the dreaded "it's been seven years and he/she just told me they don't think they're 'the marrying kind'/can't see themselves ever married to me!" woe) before either of them waste too much time, or when one of them starts thinking they might like to propose in the foreseeable future and want to feel their partner out about the issue so they can be reasonably sure of not getting a rejection ('reasonably', because I think if you decide on it, clearly and together, then what point in ever popping the question; you already have the answer! Also, YMMV, risk is romantic! ).
Talking about it earlier just seems to jinx things, more often than not. It seems to be a bad luck charm, almost.
Wait until you know each other a bit better; I'm not sure how long you've been together, but if you're fairly short-term so far, wait until you've put in some long-term miles, because the first stages of romance are lovely, but ithey don't last, and it's the feeling you'll have after those initial butterflies are replaced with comfortable, relaxed intimacy that will let you know whether or not you might want to marry this fellow. If after a year or so, you still don't feel it, then it might be time to face some brutal truths. If it's already been a year or so...then you may have your answer.
I wish you luck.

[annb8888]

Talking about it earlier just seems to jinx things, more often than not. It seems to be a bad luck charm, almost.
Wait until you know each other a bit better; I'm not sure how long you've been together, but if you're fairly short-term so far, wait until you've put in some long-term miles, because the first stages of romance are lovely, but ithey don't last, and it's the feeling you'll have after those initial butterflies are replaced with comfortable, relaxed intimacy that will let you know whether or not you might want to marry this fellow. If after a year or so, you still don't feel it, then it might be time to face some brutal truths. If it's already been a year or so...then you may have your answer.
I wish you luck.

I completely agree with you about talking about it early in the relationship. My past relationships lasted 6 years and 3 years. And yea, you can say it both didn't end up well and they're both 2 years older than me and same profession and both CDR. This time, it's LDR, he's 19 years younger and we've been together almost 9 months. He's visiting me this December too. I know what you meant, I literally "gasped" when he told me that if he had financial means now, he would marry me. he told me that a few months into the relationship and I was like "please don't talk about marriage and stuff for now" and he stopped but every now and then he would joke around like when my little dog would interrupt us on skype, he would tell my dog off and say "mommy and daddy have business to do" It seems nice but I'm just worried that he's just going through a phase, like most young men are. Idk, I could be wrong but it's been bugging me for some time now like how can a 20 year old know what he wants in the future? he hasn't even started living his life!

So this morning I was kinda alarmed that I don't see us marrying in the future and it kinda told me that what I'm engaging in is wrong? God, I'm just freaking out right now. thanks for you reply, I appreciate it.


--------
He just texted me and asked me what's bothering me cause he said he feels there's something wrong. Now this is what scares me too, he can read me like a book!

[Engel]

If you dont mind me asking, how long is the distance between you two, and what is the age gap? possibly with your age and his, if you would feel confortable with that.


I never saw myself getting married. I told everybody I would NEVER get married. and here I am,n going to get married in less than 2 months.


I do believe a relationship isnt worthy if you dont see a future together. be it marriage or not.

[annb8888]

If you dont mind me asking, how long is the distance between you two, and what is the age gap? possibly with your age and his, if you would feel confortable with that.


I never saw myself getting married. I told everybody I would NEVER get married. and here I am,n going to get married in less than 2 months.


I do believe a relationship isnt worthy if you dont see a future together. be it marriage or not.

He's 19 years younger and we're 8,000+ miles far from each other. I don't know, he can just read me like a book. (and no, I don't look 39, well so they say... I kinda fooled him when he met me and then I told him the truth when he started pursuing me just to shake him off but he was persistent)

[Minerva]

EDIT: LOL, I COMPLETELY misread your post! Sorry! I deleted my reply. Whoops! This is why I shouldn't post when I'm at work, I get too distracted.

[annb8888]

EDIT: LOL, I COMPLETELY misread your post! Sorry! I deleted my reply. Whoops! This is why I shouldn't post when I'm at work, I get too distracted.

haha that's okay. I got to read the post you did, and I agree about your SO saying we don't know the future and how it's going to change. I guess I'm just scared that ours might change and I'm not in it.

[Engel]

He's 19 years younger and we're 8,000+ miles far from each other. I don't know, he can just read me like a book. (and no, I don't look 39, well so they say... I kinda fooled him when he met me and then I told him the truth when he started pursuing me just to shake him off but he was persistent)

I think one of the things that are more important in couples with age difference, is to define if any or both of them want kids, it is even so more ikmportant than for couples with the same age, as this can be a huge deal breaker. and it isnt something to change our opinions just to please someone else.

Do you want kids? does he want kids? One of my best friends in thw rold is a 40 year old woman, she is just amazing, really. So if I with 23 can be such good friends with someone so older than me, if I was single and someone as great as her, a guy, wanted to date me, i wouldnt shove the idea aside just because of his age, even though i never dated someone more than 4 or 5 years older than me. But I want kids. If the man already had kids and didnt want more, or didnt have them and didnt want any, it would be a deal breaker for me.

This friend of mine, however, doesnt want kids, never wanted kids. and neither does her fiance.


So, I think seeing marriage in the future is even less important than seeing a future! do you see a future together?
do you want the same things in life? if the answer for those two questions are yes, you have nothing to worry.

[Jgui]

I had 2 past boyfriends and in both I saw "us marrying in the future" but it never came true. Since then, I try not to think about marriage and anything related to it until I met my LDR this year.

But I thought if my past two boyfriends whom I saw "us marrying in the future" didn't even come true, this time it's all clouded and I'm getting scared that I might be setting myself up for an impending heartbreak that NOW I'm thinking about breaking off with him to spare me another heartbreak.

i feel the EXACT way.. When i was dating my ex-boyfriend (CDR) i knew i wanted to marry him. I even told him after 1 month that we should just to City Hall and sign the marriage papers because i KNOW we're going to get marry sooner or later. We were together for 5.5 years and had a pretty bad break up. Although i'm still pretty sure we would be together till this day (if i didn't screw up--HUGE MISTAKE of my life.)

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 5 months and i am almost scare to allow myself to fall in love with him. And i feel myself falling in love with this man as each day passes. He has all the traits i want in a boyfriend/husband and know he will be the best husband who will be able to take care of me. But at the same time because of his words during the beginning of our relationship it's haunting me endlessly. He told me he doesn't see us being together long term but then things do change and he doesn't want to end things with me because it takes longer than 1 month to realize if the person you're with "the one." With those words i felt like i was in it for a heartbreak.. he will be leaving California in 2012 and i just keep on thinking to myself that we're not going to end up being together so might as well end the relationship soon..

although he tells me he isnt going to hurt me, in the back of my mind im wanting to prevent myself from unnecessary pain so i want to break it off with him (which i can't do because my feelings are so strong and valid). it's so tough!!! i drive myself CRAZY sometimes just thinking about what's going to happen when he leaves, what if we don't work out and i've invested all these time, energy, and emotions into this relationship. The last thing i really need is a huge heartbreak and my CLOCK is ticking.. i want to settle down, get married, and start a family of my own...

As hard as it is, i really do try to stir away from thinking too far ahead... i do believe "what's meant to be will always find its way".

i think we both need to just STOP thinking and enjoy the moment we share with our SO.

[archangel]

I have a controversial opinion on this; I don't think marriage should be discussed early in a relationship. Not at all. Not until at least after the 1st anniversary, and only then when one or both partners are either trying to work out whether they are on the same page with regards to longterm goals/expectations (i.e. to avoid the dreaded "it's been seven years and he/she just told me they don't think they're 'the marrying kind'/can't see themselves ever married to me!" woe) before either of them waste too much time, or when one of them starts thinking they might like to propose in the foreseeable future and want to feel their partner out about the issue so they can be reasonably sure of not getting a rejection ('reasonably', because I think if you decide on it, clearly and together, then what point in ever popping the question; you already have the answer! Also, YMMV, risk is romantic! ).
Talking about it earlier just seems to jinx things, more often than not. It seems to be a bad luck charm, almost.
Wait until you know each other a bit better; I'm not sure how long you've been together, but if you're fairly short-term so far, wait until you've put in some long-term miles, because the first stages of romance are lovely, but ithey don't last, and it's the feeling you'll have after those initial butterflies are replaced with comfortable, relaxed intimacy that will let you know whether or not you might want to marry this fellow. If after a year or so, you still don't feel it, then it might be time to face some brutal truths. If it's already been a year or so...then you may have your answer.
I wish you luck.

Well said Alemap, I completely agree.
In my previous LDR we brought it up way to early and i think the thought of it plus the fact of closing the distance starting eating away at my SO until it all feel apart....

[folclor]

Here's my view on it, and it doesn't really seem to match everyone else's but....*shrugs*

Relationships are what you make of them, which you already know. So if you get caught up in daydreams and thinking about how things 'should' go when they don't...you'll feel hurt and possibly rejected and the relationship will come to an end. That being said, I don't think it jinxes anythign to talk about marriage early. I've read in a previous post that you shouldn't talk about marriage until the anniversary mark. Why? My parents went through courtship to marriage within 8 months. They're still together and loving it. Some people need the time some people don't.

I guess what I'm trying to say (very badly since my brain is fried from the exam I just took) is that...it doesn't matter how long or short you've been together before discussing a future. it depends on the individuals. So, no, just becuase you're not thinking about marriage with him yet or you can't "see" it yet doesn't mean it won't happen. But I also urge you to not pay too much attention to the relationship advice of others. It really screws you over sometimes.

[ioanna]

I agree with folclor on this one. Every relationship is different, and every person is too. You shouldn't compare your previous relationships to this one, it is unfair to both of you...
Take things easy and just try and enjoy things without putting pressure on yourselves courage!

[annb8888]

I agree with folclor on this one. Every relationship is different, and every person is too. You shouldn't compare your previous relationships to this one, it is unfair to both of you...
Take things easy and just try and enjoy things without putting pressure on yourselves courage!

thanks for your insights. Yea, I agree that every person is different.

I guess what I'm trying to say (very badly since my brain is fried from the exam I just took) is that...it doesn't matter how long or short you've been together before discussing a future. it depends on the individuals. So, no, just becuase you're not thinking about marriage with him yet or you can't "see" it yet doesn't mean it won't happen.

No one knows the future anyway, right? I guess I need not to freak out what I see or don't see right now. thanks!!

[annb8888]

I think one of the things that are more important in couples with age difference, is to define if any or both of them want kids, it is even so more ikmportant than for couples with the same age, as this can be a huge deal breaker. and it isnt something to change our opinions just to please someone else.

Do you want kids? does he want kids? One of my best friends in thw rold is a 40 year old woman, she is just amazing, really. So if I with 23 can be such good friends with someone so older than me, if I was single and someone as great as her, a guy, wanted to date me, i wouldnt shove the idea aside just because of his age, even though i never dated someone more than 4 or 5 years older than me. But I want kids. If the man already had kids and didnt want more, or didnt have them and didnt want any, it would be a deal breaker for me.

This friend of mine, however, doesnt want kids, never wanted kids. and neither does her fiance.


So, I think seeing marriage in the future is even less important than seeing a future! do you see a future together?
do you want the same things in life? if the answer for those two questions are yes, you have nothing to worry.

Actually this conversation came up yesterday when we started talking about how we met and when we fell in love or that because he fell in love first. And the subject of marriage and kids came up. I want kids and so does he. We even have a name for our future son. hahaha... BUT I told him that I might not be able to give him a child if we don't do it in the near future but he has a very strong principle that he said and promised me that he will not ask me to marry him until he knows he can provide for us. I really felt bad because I know that's going to take some time since he's still in college so I asked him if I can have our child first since I can support myself. But he said no. The thing is, he said he doesn't care if we have or we have no child as long as we can be together. I know it sounds sweet but as a woman, you know how a child completes the family? Idk.

copying our convo, here's what he said to me yesterday:

him:I love you so much but if i get u pregnant, i will drop out and and support you because as a
man, i cant run from the consequences of my actions and like it or not, a child is a consequence
that i will have to take responsibilty for and support

me: :'(

him: why? beacuse i love you. so please
dont ever ask to have a baby before im ready to support you both
because since i love you so much... if u asked me enough, id do it

him: i know and im sorry for not being older, i know ur
not accusing me that its my fault but stil i wish i were
older more established so we wouldnt need to keep it
on the d/l still so that i could go and wed u so that i
could go and give you 1, 2, however many sons you
want.

him: as great as it would be to have a son the fact that
our love happened, is happening and that we've
overcome these obstacles and even if no one speaks
of our love throughout the ages even if we dont leave
a legacy, i have you right now in this moment and
that's all that matters to me.

that's what he said. IDK, right now, I had a little annoyance with him because he got tired and fell asleep and didnt answer my texts, yea I know it's petty *shoots self* idk, i think I just have to stop thinking for now, get a breather. Thanks so much for your replies. I appreciate it

[Engel]

That is thought. Its all about what is a deal breaker for you or not, what you can live without and what you cant live without.
Every person is different.

For me, the hugest deal breaker in the world would be not to have kids. I never wanted to get married in my life, until I met my SO. But I always, always wanted to be a mother.



So, if I had to be single my whole life, and use a sperm bank in the end, if I was a mother someday, I would still be happy. while if I was with the most perfect man in the world for me (that being my SO XD), and he didnt want kids or we couldnt (not right now, ever) have them because of time or schedules or distance, I would be always unhappy and incomplete.


While for some people, being a mother is the wrong thing, that being a mother would make them unhappy. like that friend of mine.



So, you both want it, you cant have it right now. What Im saying is, no matter what you decide, do it for yourself. because relationships can last forever, but they can also end, even marriages. and things that are important in our lives, really important, should never be given up for someone else. so you will never regreat your choices in the future. and this goes for anything important in your life, not just kids or marriage.


For some people, they need to get married. I never did, it wouldnt make me unhappy if I never got married, as long as I lived with the man I wanted if I ever found him (wich I did, and because of visas, we knew since the begin that in the end we would have to get married or break up for good.)

Some people might be unhappy and incomplete if they never got married, while it wasnt something I thought about until marriage was dancing in front of my face, making it impossible for me to ignore it.



You just have to see what is your deal breaker. what would make you incomplete, what you cant see yourself without in the future?

Can be owning your own home, anything. But its something only you can tell yourself. what will make you happy.

I wish you all the best.

*hugs*