Worried For A Friend

[Doog]

First of all, this is my first post here. Hello! 8) However, this post won't be about my LDR, but my friend's; I need some advice.

She's (Let's call her "W") been going out with this guy ("S") for nearly 2 years. They met through W's irl friend, but never actually met face-to-face; she introduced them through Myspace. A couple of weeks after talking to each other, S asked W out and she said yes. W was going to visit S in New York, but a couple days beforehand S moves to Wyoming with his parents or something like that. W has only seen cellphone pictures of her boyfriend, and she has never heard his voice because he doesn't have a phone, webcam, or mic. However, he has a laptop and a cellphone that he, for some reason, cannot call on.

If that's not weird enough, there's more: he has to support his WHOLE family, apparently. He's sixteen years old. He works as a security guard at a bank (isn't that illegal? j/w). His parental figure is a crazy alcoholic or something of that sort. He has straight A's and gets 28739127398123712 scholarships for football. What is this I don't even.

The worst part is that W is OBLIVIOUS as to how strange this is. And the moment anyone doubt's S's existence, she get defensive and says, "I know he's real."
"How?"
"I just know. In my heart."

It's just all so odd, and I have no idea what to do besides have her freak out on me any time I try to warn her about S. :/ I don't want her to get hurt, this seems so dangerous.

[maja]

well shes your friend and i remember needing my friends to simply trust me with seby. i know this is different, so if ur really very concerned you should probably try contacting S? you dont have to tell your friend about it, but i dont think thatd make you trustworthy and shed probably get more angry. maybe tell her right after you did. if you do find out hes not a real person, then you should tell her and prove your point with chat history or emails or however youll get to talk to him, if you do. she will be angry either way, but once she realises you were right (if you really are), she will understand what an amazing and caring friend you are.

[Zephii]

If they met through an in-real-life friend, then theoretically, he must be real. He might be a bit of a bullshit artist, but then again, he might not. I don't know the laws of that country, but I have known younger people having to support their families. His cellphone simply might not work because he has no money to replace it? I guess, tell her to post him a headset/mic. They are not expensive, but if he's honest about all this he probably still couldn't afford it. That way she at least can talk to him.
Other than that, make sure she goes through all the safety things that anyone meeting an internet lover should - That they meet in a public place, possibly taking a trusted friend along with her, that she see him over webcam first (Pictures can be of anyone. Webcam is pretty safe) and that she has a plan B for if something goes wrong. You can help her be sensible without disrespecting her relationship

[folclor]

Well, did the irl friend know the guy irl? I mean, they could've met through her and she never met him, and that could pose a problem. Other than that, I'd say just try and get him to at least get on webcam. If he has a laptop then it likely has an integrated webcam and mic. If he'll agree (which he probably should after 2 years unless he's trying to hide things from her or his family) then they can have a little bit of a cam session. Then again, this may not be about her at all. Let me explain...

With one of my exes (he was long distance, I'm in Texas and he was in California) we met online and I suggested that we talk on the phone as we both had unlimited minutes on our plan. He would say, "Well, what about webcam instead?" so I would agree but then he always chickened out. About a year after we broke up he contacted me again and we talked about some stuff and I asked him why he wouldn't get on webcam if he was the one suggesting it and he told me he was worried about stupid things like that I wouldn't like his voice or I'd think he looked bad, etc. So he might have some insecurities that come with not having met in person. At the same time, he should let her at least see him. I doubt he's supporting his family alone AND getting straight A's and if he doesn't play football in the first place he wouldn't be getting any scholarships for it. My suggestion is just be there to counsel her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid like run away to Wyoming alone to meet him some undisclosed location.

[Doog]

She's not allowed to send him anything; it costs him $20 to pick up post and he doesn't have that much money.

I'm not trying to be insensible or anything towards this, (I have a soft spot for LDRs, considering that I'm in one that's been going on for almost two years myself) it's just that all of this is so sneaky. All of my friends see how odd this all is, too. The friend that introduced them ("G") is... very creepy, to say the least. She has a bunch of records of doing very weird stuff, so it's hard to believe this, especially from her.

S has sent W gifts before but it didn't come in a package. G just handed them to W in a plastic bag. The letter had nearly the same handwriting as G. It's all soooo freaky. :/ I love W, she's one of my closest friends, and I'll try to support her in this.

[Tanja]

That does sound really suspicious to me, I don't blame you for being worried.

Tell your friend she needs to sit down and listen and state all the things you've just mentioned in here and tell her that she must see why you're being worried. If she refuses to listen to you or is being stubborn just say you love her and care for her and that's the only reason you're suspicious. You need to tell her that until she's got some solid proof S is a real person and is who he says he is you are gonna stay suspicious and it's not because you're against their relationship but because you care about your friend and just want her to be safe and happy.

[folclor]

It makes no sense that it'd cost him $20 to pick up a package. ^^;; in fact, if she sent it to his house it would be free. ^^;;

[Zephii]

Ok, now it sounds really really susspicious >.> Like WTH? It makes no sense that G is able to see S, but W isn't.. and it sounds like G and S live close seeming G can pass along gifts.

Tanja has really good advice. I hope you can figure something out.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Yea I'm with Tanja. Make sure your friends understands it's not the relationship you're against it's just you're concerned about HER as her friend! If she feels you're attacking the relatiionshp....well we all know how that goes. And it really isn't the fact she's in an LDR you're against....it's all the oddities of this particular LDR that you're questioning. You're on the outside looking in....I'm sure she doesn't realize how odd it all is.

And I'm with Zaphii too on it seeming odd that G passes along gifts when W can't even see him, not on webcam or ANYthing?! Maybe there are legitimate explanations...but it does seem odd.

[Scanny]

Could be a Nigerian scam artist. Fits the bill. If he comes up with a sob story about an emergency where he's flat broke and needs to pay a some kind of bill and wants her to wire him money, I'd tell her to run and never look back. Until then...when people are feeling defensive about a non-typical relationship, it's very hard to reason with them. Let it play out as long as she's not draining her life savings to rescue him.

[agentholli]

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally agree with Scanny....NIGERIAN SCAMMER!!

[Zapookie]

Hey there..

My friend was in exactly the same situation as your friend, pretty much.

One day on facebook she got a random add from a guy saying he liked her name, quite a common name mind you, and wanted to get to know her. So she was like, yeah alright, he seems hot from his pictures, why not? ANYWAY, he told his "cousin" (female cousin) about my friend, and wanted his "cousin" to meet my friend before she met him herself.

Sooo eventually my friend met this cousin and they started hanging out, all the while getting closer to this facebook dude via IM, etc. He would get her gifts and ask the female cousin to give them to her. They would make plans to meet but each time something would happen to stop him from coming. Then he told his female cousin that their grandfather was sick back in his home country (lebanon), and he flew out in the middle of the night to lebanon, and didn't tell my friend, the cousin told her. He said he didn't know when he would be back, it could be 6 months or more.

My friend... the silly girl, was so tempted to FLY ALONE to LEBANON to meet this dude. She had never heard his voice, never seen him on cam.. never seen him smile.

Anywaysss.. the truth came out, and it was discovered that there was no guy. It was the female cousin all along.

I knew it was fishy from the beginning. All our friends did. She didn't listen until the police actually got involved. A restraining order was placed, and the girl (cousin) got a warning for committing fraudulent activity. And that was the end of that.

[stargazerlily]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. The "guy" was supposedly a cousin of one of her friends (and this friend is kinda weird too). At first everything was okay, the "guy" seemed normal. But then we noticed that when the "guy" was online his supposed cousin was not. He never answered his phone when she called. And then the "guy" would emotionally blackmail my friend if she wasn't able to accompany "his" cousin. "He" would agree to meet up with my friend but then back out at the last minute.

According to the cousin, this guy is a resident doctor at a certain hospital. So what my other friends and I did, we called the department where the "guy" supposedly belongs and inquired about him. Surprise! Surprise! There is no such person in that department. We got hold of our friend, dialed the hospital, put the phone on speaker and asked if we could talk to the doctor "guy". My friend got a little hurt that we went behind her back but it is nothing compared to how she felt when she learned that the "guy" is nonexistent.

So if you say that W's friend is a security guard, surely he belongs to an agency or something of that sort. If you could somehow get that info from her and call that agency, you can check the guy's background to some extent. I just hope your friend won't get very mad.

[Rach321]

Agreed- It sounds like at this point they are serious enough that she should know a lot more about him than she does. I've never heard of a person needing to pay $20 to pick up mail in the U.S. Some addresses do not have regular mail delivery so it's better for a person to pay a monthly fee to the post office so they can have a box there. But you don't pay to pick up a particular letter or package. I can only think it's because he doesn't want to give out his real address (or there isn't really an address). People can be so cruel.

Of course, it is your friend's decision what to do about it. All you can do is try to encourage her to demand more solid information/pictures/video of him and watch out for her so she doesn't put herself in a dangerous situation.

[Alisz]

I agree with you, a lot of it doesn't make a whole lot of sense and S does sound like a made-up person. Tbh, it sounds like someone is pulling your friend, W's leg. Refusal to hear someone and only show pictures to me sounds bully worthy. I would almost bet that it's G pulling all this shit. How is W and G's friendship? Are they on good terms? Does G have any reason why they'd dislike W or want to harass her? Is G into anything illegal or owe people? I don't want to scare you, but those do sound like suspicious tactics for human trafficking, kidnapping, blackmail, or people trying to get green cards. Of course that's really going out there, but better to be aware of it than not.

Altho, it sounds more like G is playing with W and the fact she takes things to "give to S" probably is motivation for her to keep up the act. I don't know what you could say W to make her see, but maybe you could talk to G?