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loving an ex, and loving someone else?

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    #1

    loving an ex, and loving someone else?

    heh. this isnt about me, dont worry, i dont love the ex :P at all :P

    see abit of background info... julia and i have become friends again. thats a big thing i know but rather not go into it (or a biiiig vent will happen hehe). i just one night decided that i was tired of being angry at her... sounds weird that it was that sudden, but it was.

    anyway.

    so, upon adding her on fb, she starts going on about this guy X. now i said "go for it" etc.. because she was saying how head-over-heels in love she was with him (they werent dating yet).

    yet.... after a while of talking... she also talked about the SO. ALOT. (they dated in the past)
    she was saying how their relationship was "different and more special than yours" (the SO replied to this by saying "yes because im constantly being her caregiver")... saying how he always talks about graham to her and said he was going to suffer on his bday and christmas (and again, his response was "no, im really excited for my bday and christmas and she is the one always talking about it") and then another point she was saying how she wished she had sex with him when they were going out.. and said "i was his first kiss, right?"

    heh.

    now the SO has reasurred me that this was julia being julia etc, and i do believe him i trust him. julia and i havent talked much since then, nor do i really want to right now (if she says something more whilst the SO isnt there to reassure i think i might just rant at her...)

    theres just one question id like to ask her... and so im going to ask for your opinion on this too....


    can you fall in love with someone else, whilst still in love with your ex?

    personally... i never ever loved someone whilst loving the SO. i also never said anything to the ex like what she has been saying...

    sorry for the vent hehe. i find it hard to round things up into small sentences :P

    thoughts? x
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    #2
    I think it is kinda like the saying 'I love you but I am not in love with you" If you shared some special moments with someone that you had a relationship once it doesn't mean that you just stop loving them once you break up. I still have a special place in my heart for my ex, however I wouldn't call it love anymore as its been almost three years since. I think in Julias case since she doesn't seem to have ever taken a break after dating your SO she has never had a chance to lose that love feeling. I think it is totally possible to love him but not in the same way she might love a new man in her life.

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      #3
      *nod, nod at snow_girl* I agree, that seems possible. I still care deeply about my ex's welfare, though she cheated on me and I have no desire to ever hear from her again(And in fact ignored her spattering of efforts to talk to me over the last three years). It doesn't stop me from thinking at times that I hope she's happy and has learned from the past like I have.

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        #4
        I don't know about being in love with two people at once, but I definitely had "what if" feelings for a lot of guys for a long time. I had this one sort of boyfriend back in high school. Even after we went our separate ways I still thought "what if" allllllllllllllllllllll the time. It wasn't that I was in love with the guy, but I still thought about him fondly. Even when I was in other relationships.

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          #5
          Originally posted by lucybelle View Post
          I don't know about being in love with two people at once, but I definitely had "what if" feelings for a lot of guys for a long time. I had this one sort of boyfriend back in high school. Even after we went our separate ways I still thought "what if" allllllllllllllllllllll the time. It wasn't that I was in love with the guy, but I still thought about him fondly. Even when I was in other relationships.
          hmm that makes sense of things in a way (and other posters hehe)... that kind of also makes julia talking about the SO like that abit more justified hehe (usually id just sulk off to the SO and just start saying "can you BELIEVE she said that?!" :P)

          its nice to hear different view points haha.

          i remember at one point the SO and i had an argument, and then one of my friends reminded me of the first guy i ever dated... and i did think what if for a little bit, but then i just thought "that was the past" in a way...

          thanks for the views x


          edit:
          now the SO is so used to my questions... so me asking him this question just means nothing, he knows he doesnt have to read between the lines haha. i love him and his "used to the weird question" ways

          I asked the SO "do you think someone can love 2 people at once and if so, have you ever thought "what if the ex and i were still dating" whilst we are going out?"
          and he said... "no?"

          Comment

            #6
            I believe you can be in lust with someone while being in love with someone else. not real love for both.
            our story.

            sigpic

            02.02.2012 - When we got married and closed the distance once and for all‎

            "If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse."

            Comment

              #7
              I'm gonna pull a johnny depp quote here which I think makes a lot of sense: If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldnt have fallen for the second. To me this means that while you may love one person as soon as you fall for a second person the love you had for the first seems to nullify itself and become a more platonic love.

              Notes:
              Met: 8.17.09
              Started Dating: 8.20.09
              First Met: 10.2.10
              Closed the Distance: 8.9.14

              Comment

                #8
                Darling, this sounds incredibly unhealthy for you. Frankly, one just don't say those sorts of things to one's ex's new SO that one is trying to be friendly with.
                Get rid of her, before she starts making you crazy.

                Comment

                  #9
                  sorry double post

                  Comment

                    #10
                    It seems to be a case of Julia wanting what she can't have, which we all feel at some point and is totally okay. What isn't okay, however, is her undermining your relationship and discussing her very inappropriate feelings with you. If she wouldn't be able to understand that those comments are Not Okay, and you can't drop her from your life without causing drama, I'd definitely significantly cool down the "friendship". Does your SO want her in your lives? If he does, why?

                    One of the awful sucky parts of life is realizing who in your group of friends/acquaintances is toxic to your well-being and figuring out the best way to keep them as far away from you as you can allow.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Actually when I met my SO I had only been broken up with my ex for about 2 months so there was still the lingering feeling for him and the growing feelings for my current SO. It caused me a lot of turmoil as I had the "what if", but I got over that

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