Coping?

[heylittlekrissy]

Whether you know me or not, my SO decided to call it quits a few nights ago after 8 and a half months together and almost 4 years of friendship, all online, over a small (in my opinion) understanding. He no longer wants contact with me, as I later found out, because "he doesn't want to be reminded of the fact that he let go the most wonderful thing he ever had". We have not personally talked since the break up, but I have another source whom he has spoken to some since then who's passed along that message and others since then.
He was my first serious relationship, and now, my first real heartbreak. I don't cope very well in general, but I know I'm not coping well at all with this break up. It hurts, and I don't know what to do.

So this is not only for me, but for anyone else on the site going through a break up.
There's been some threads in the past, but I thought maybe we could get some fresh perspectives on this subject.
How do you cope with a break up/heartbreak?

[HollzHeartsChris]

My way of coping is mainly blasting out music and singing or more like shouting out the lyrics. Depends on how bad my mood is though. I'll blast heavy metal from Disturbed, Slipknot and a number of other loud bands if I'm feeling really crappy, just to bring in some aggression, and I'll yell out the lyrics. Really works well if I'm mad. Or if I'm feeling weak, I'll listen to my idol Lady Gaga and sing her songs, knowing I'll always be able to find strength in her words. I'll go and sit with my parents and watch a film or some TV with them if I'm feeling alone and to avoid the tears from streaming down my face. Have a go with doing this with the kind of music you like Avoid listening to depressing songs though if you can, cause that does you no good. Sometimes I'll just have a little cry to myself and give myself a kick up the bum to keep myself going. It's alright to cry, but I think there's only so many tears that can be spilt before it's time to move on. Give yourself time to grieve, but don't forget you need to move on as well =)

Talking to someone about how you feel really helps. When I went through the same thing a few months back, I knew I had to talk to someone about things and I did, I spoke to someone on a helpline that's UK based and for children/young adults called CHILDLINE. They worked marvels for me and really helped me through a tough time. The councillors were really kind and helpful and they helped me a lot. Perhaps you could consider something like this? They're confidential and they don't ask for any details so they don't know who you are, they just offer you guidance and some help on how to deal with what you're going through. I'm pretty sure you have something similar in the states

Hang with colleagues and try not to cut yourself off too much from people because right now you need human company more than anything. Go for a night out or go for a coffee or something with them, anything that'll keep you busy and that you'll enjoy. Perhaps you could take up a new hobby or play some sports?

You are a strong, young woman and you can get through this. As Jgui once told me, "Just keep reminding and telling yourself you deserve to be in a better stage that you're in now." Time will heal your wounds hun, just takes a bit of time.

And rememeber if you wanna chat to me, I'm only a message away

[sardonis]

Don't forget to Love yourself. Keep your hobbies, get some if you don't. Start exercising in a way you enjoy, like running, walks, biking, hiking or sports. Physical activity will help you feel good about yourself and stay feeling good.

Don't wollow in misery and the past, you'll just cover yourself in it and cause yourself frustration. The more frustrated you get, the more likely you'll do something you regret due to emotional intensity. Find something that burns off your intense emotions; up or down.

Stay social, go out with friends a lot. Having friends to talk to and be with helps keep you from begining to wollow. You don't want to be alone at the moment so don't be. Minimize alone time.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, and talk some more to people you trust about how you feel. In my case, I just talked when the subject came up irregardless as to who I thought would be comfortable listening. I got a lot of important advice from time to time and it helped me recover.

And if I might advise, stop getting the news feed from your friend, you're torturing yourself to no gain(Same with viewing facebook, tweets, etc that give you their status). Just cut your contact if they are not communicating with you, it only hurts you. If the other person is feeling it was a mistake, it's only up to them to reconsider; that is as long as you want to keep your heart open to them returning, but it'll draw out how long you hurt to wait(Because I did for six months and it took that much longer to heal.) Sometimes people need a breakup to realize what they had. I think it's really stupid, but I've seen it now enough times that it apparently is something some people need, because they second guess their choices until they realize they really do miss their companion(though don't take this as a reason to get your hopes up, each relationship is unique.).

And lastly, time does not heal the wounds, YOU heal the wounds by a regime of self rehabilitation and love. You are injured right now and just like a person physically hurt, you need to flex and move emotionally and physically to keep your full range of movement. Keep laughing, crying, and living. *hugs*

It's painful to go through breakup, because you can't help the withdrawls. Emotions are chemically driven and your partner drove those chemicals that made you happy. Keep positive and productive and you'll find ways to be happy on your own.

Lastly, if he wants to come back and checks on you, wouldn't it be better he finds an independantly happy person instead of a desperately sad person waiting for him? And if he doesn't, you'll have ensured you are as attractive as ever to the next guy you bump into that will treat you as their everything.

[lucybelle]

Time is the only thing that heals broken hearts. It hurts for a long time.

Also, Famous Amos cookies help too!

[Malaga]

I usually read a ton of self-help books when I'm heartbroken. I end up discarding most of them as trash, but at least I feel like I'm working on myself and trying to make sense of a situation.

Actually learning anything new helps.

Hope you get better soon xx

[Alemap]

I find throwing myself into work, socialising, taking up new hobbies, surrounding myself constantly with people - anything to keep me busy, keep me distracted and eventually, rebuild my confidence and self-sufficiency, helps enormously.
I reccommend it to anyone who asks.
I wish you strength.

[floridaellen]

To get over my ex, I exercised. Whenever I thought of him or what we had, I went for a run or something like that. I lost weight, felt better about myself, and was distracted from it. I also love to exercise anyway though :P

[rubydissolution]

For the first week or so I do a lot of journaling and sad movie watching. I want to cry so I cry. Just letting myself cry about something makes me feel a little better and maybe because i'm crying about something unrelated to why i'm upset. Autumn in New York and Steel Magnolias are among my fav chick flicks to cry about. I typically write and reread my journal, which again makes me cry. Crying and venting is healthy, and i always felt like crying released negative energy and emotions. Probably why I always feel this huge weight off my shoulders when I give myself a healthy sobfest.

When I'm ready whether it be that week or the following week I hang out with my friends. I can't hang out with them too early because even though they are friends, they can be insensitive. For example, after my SO left my BFF wouldn't stop telling me what a butthead he was and that i should break up with him. That was NOT what i wanted to hear. I didn't expect her to be supportive and i'm glad she shared her opinion but she repeated herself over and over again. Not only was it annoying but it made me feel crappy. Same goes with a break up, friends go off telling you how much better off you are and that you will find someone better. You don't really want to hear that the person you love was a jerk and you certainly aren't thinking about moving on yet. Just be weary bout your friends, I try to remember they are only trying to help.

Other then that, keep busy, go shopping. Buy urself something nice! Go see a movie! Read a book! Play a game! =) It will get easier...promise!

[heylittlekrissy]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and ideas.
I'm sure others will find all this useful, as I know I am. I will definitely be keeping these all in mind now and for the future.

@sardonis: It's hard to explain my reasoning for keeping the little bit of contact I did. I guess in a way, I felt there had to be more to the story that I didn't know, and I thought it would help me to either work on fixing things with him (if there was a chance we could), or it would help me move on. In a way, I feel better knowing what I know, because where I thought I had caused the end of something so special, there's so much more to the story on his end, I'm not sure we could have kept things going much longer anyways. That hurts to say, but he has so much going on there, more than I'd ever imagined, I just don't know; and while I don't like saying that, it's sadly true. On the other hand, I think I still had hope things would work themselves out, and the last few days have kind of crushed that hope, which brought on a whole new wave of hurt.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not, but I felt it was something I had to do for myself either way.

[London-FortCollins]

the most important piece of advice I can give is to remember to go easy on yourself. Whilst it is important to try not to wallow and lose yourself in your own head if your having a bad day...its ok.

When we're happy or excited or in love noone tells us to "get over it" or "move on" and feelings of heartache, sadness and loss are just as valid so do not under any circumstance try and push them away.

If you get one day where you want to sit on the couch sobbing at rom-coms and eating nothing but icecream all day - do it! If you get a day where you want to scream your head off to loud music - do it. And if you get a day where you just want to sit and think and be sad - do it.

just keep an eye on yourself and if you go a certain amount of days without any change, pick up the phone and call a friend to sit with you for a bit or go out if you can.

But dont be scared or afraid to feel how you feel. Ultimatley only time and the proper processing of emotions can help - so give yourself time and space for both and you'll find you start having some better days as well as the tough ones. And over time the tough days will disolve to "kinda hard" days and over time they'll slowly disappear.

But it will take time. So in the meantime just remember to look after yourself, do the things you love and spend time with those who love you. *Hugs*

[screammaayday]

Time is the best way to heal a broken heart. Right now, your best bet is to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Distractions help a lot. Keeping yourself busy is important. The more time you spend busying yourself, the less time your mind will wander. Sending well wishes your way. <3

[sardonis]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and ideas.
I'm sure others will find all this useful, as I know I am. I will definitely be keeping these all in mind now and for the future.

@sardonis: It's hard to explain my reasoning for keeping the little bit of contact I did. I guess in a way, I felt there had to be more to the story that I didn't know, and I thought it would help me to either work on fixing things with him (if there was a chance we could), or it would help me move on. In a way, I feel better knowing what I know, because where I thought I had caused the end of something so special, there's so much more to the story on his end, I'm not sure we could have kept things going much longer anyways. That hurts to say, but he has so much going on there, more than I'd ever imagined, I just don't know; and while I don't like saying that, it's sadly true. On the other hand, I think I still had hope things would work themselves out, and the last few days have kind of crushed that hope, which brought on a whole new wave of hurt.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not, but I felt it was something I had to do for myself either way.

I completely understand the desire to maintain that contact. I take it you've learned more since your initial post, as you imply his issues run deeper than you realized? Given that, I'm glad you found out it wasn't you for your own welfair. It's a nagging ghost when you suspect yourself as the cause of a breakup from a relationship you cared about. Before I found out my ex cheated, I felt like the cause, like I wasn't good enough as a husband and it would have seriously screwed me up if that had been the legacy of my relationship. My point was more advice towards not maintaining that contact too long. Fact finding is useful short term, but the facts lose value over time as the other party might begin "justifying" the separation in the face of questioning by others. Vilifiying the other party is a common breakup tactic to evade personal guilt.

Keep us aprised as to how your doing. *hug*

[LuvSsw]

But dont be scared or afraid to feel how you feel. Ultimatley only time and the proper processing of emotions can help - so give yourself time and space for both and you'll find you start having some better days as well as the tough ones. And over time the tough days will disolve to "kinda hard" days and over time they'll slowly disappear.

I agree with this statement ....it is so true. Time....you've got to roll with the passage of time while processing your emotions. It can be up and down...but soon some of the dark clouds begin to clear away. Honestly they do.