First big fight, and almost the end

[Jezah]

Me and HBB always joked that if we ever really fought hard that we would break up. We laughed but knew it was probably true, we are both too passionate and too stubborn to let things go.

Last night we did, and today I am not sure if I will stay with him. It comes down to, he has been so irresponsible since he has been back that I feel like the driven, determined man I fell for was a fallacy. He has had a letter to finish and mail out to the army since before he left to visit me. We put it off with the knowledge that as soon as he returned he would mail it. This letter is what will determine when he takes his huge test to see if he can get into Sandhurst. Its a big deal, it takes a while to process and get a date and he needs one by April or he will have to wait to go to Sandhurst till September. Right now if he mailed it he had a almost guaranteed shot at getting in to Sandhurst in May. Instead, he has chosen not to mail it, and even if he mails in Monday, with the holidays and the delays they cause...it will not get looked at until the new year.

The excuses he has used as to why? First it was that he was tired and through he filled most of it out Thursday morning he couldn't mail it because he wanted to make sure it was perfect. His way of making sure it was perfect? Leaving it at home and going out to sleep over his friends house. Friday he finished filling it out except for one thing he had to ask his dad about. Instead of asking his dad, finishing it and mailing it? He went to bed, woke up Sat and went to his cousins to get drunk. Sunday? Same, went to his friends to hang instead of finishing it. Now comes the clincher, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday he couldn't because "he had to help his mom move". Seriously? He could have asked her to give him a ride to the PO, or he could have taken the car or asked his dad...but no instead he did nothing. He said it would have been "too inconvenient" and that his mom really needed his help. IMHO she is a grown woman, moving was her responsibility, his responsibility was this letter. Finally we come to Friday. Fridays reason? He forgot. Simple enough. Then Saturday apparently his brother took the car so he couldn't leave. Last night we fought on the phone after I got home from work about this and he told me his battery was getting low. Mid arguement his phone died, and instead of calling back when he plugged it in or getting on Skype he went to bed. Never called back, he hasn't even sent me a message this morning either.

I am just so sick of the excuses, so sick of the laziness and partying. His friends missed him and I get that but this was more important than getting drunk. The other part to that whole friends thing was that I was having a hard time adjusting when he left and instead of being there for me he was out all the time. I let that go though. Not to mention I know I can write this here and be almost sure he will never see it because he never visits here anymore. This was a site for us when he was loving and romantic, since he got back he has been so far from romantic. He says its because he has been 'busy' but that seems a stupid reason to not appreciate your girlfriend. I am just feeling fooled right now, like who I though he was was all in my head and that he always was this irresponsible person. It just bodes badly for our future if I do stay with him.

I am just so torn, I feel like the man I love was just a fantasy

[squirrelz15]

I'm sorry, that has to be hard to think the person you love is fake. I guess the biggest thing is is if this discovery of how he really is is something you can live with or not. Also, sometimes it's hard, but I don't always think you can judge a person based on one situation. Everyone screws up. Also, it doesn't really matter who your SO is, you are gonna fight from time to time, and learning how to get through it is part of the joys of being in a relationship. That said, in the end it's your call, but I remember just a few weeks ago how hard it was for you when he left, and how upset you were. Sometimes, it takes some time to re-adjust to being separated again after time together, and sometimes being apart can be depressing (possibly leading to a lack of motivation) and can also cause more fights it seems. That said, if his behavior has been like this before, then it's really your call whether it is something you can live with or not.

[Zapookie]

Have you been able to ask him why he keeps putting it off? It sounds to me like he's either scared to do it, or really reluctant to. Maybe try and be calm about it when you talk to him instead of making him feel bad. I know when there's something overwhelming looming over my head, sometimes I feel so backed up into a corner and I freeze up and I don't know what to do. I will keep putting it off until I can't any more. I used to do this a lot, but I realised that i just needed to bite the bullet and be brave. Maybe he needs to do the same.

[Engel]

This isnt the first thing he does that sort of hing, is it? didnt you mention he did the same about his assport a while back? postponing it an all? or was his visa?

anyway, the only justification i think applies here from all those days is to help his mother move, a good son will be a good husband and a good father someday.


if you were moving, lived in the same city as him but he didnt help you, would you be happy because you are a grown woman and it would be your problem? i think its sweet he helped his mother.


but going out to get drunk.. erh.. not. he could send the letter and go out afterwards to celebrate. so i see no excuse there!

[Mara]

I agree with the poster who says it sounds as if he was putting it off as well. Rather it was consciously or subconsciously, it doesn't sound like he wanted to mail out that letter for whatever reason. I'd try asking him if there's a reason why he doesn't want to mail it out.

And as far as going out with his friends when you needed him, did he know you needed him there? Did you ask him to be? Different people handle the distance differently and it sounds as if he was trying to cheer himself up by spending time with his friends. I do the same at times, but I'm sure if he knew you needed him he would've been there.