Feeling Pretty Helpless

[Hannah]

Last night my SO and I got in a massive fight and came extremely close to breaking up.
He's from a not very well-off family in the South and he works at a local Waffle House, and I'm college-bound and from an upper-middle-class family in the North. He's a high school graduate and he's nineteen and he still has not attended college. He has hopes of joining the Navy but he has a fair amount of weight to lose before he can do so.
He's been working out and working very hard at his job for months now, but next year I'll be going to college and we don't know where he will be. We're having trouble seeing how we'll ever actually be together.

The fight was absolutely horrible and we both ended up bawling over the phone. It was a big, tear-filled mess. And at the end of it he nearly left me.
Eventually, after begging him to stay and fight through this with me, we managed to keep the relationship intact. But now there's this big gaping hole in our hearts that keeps reminding both of us that we may not make it through this, and that the odds are against us.

Honestly, part of me feels like if I could just see him again and hold him, then we would be okay again and everything would make sense. Maybe we just need to rekindle somehow. We're trying to focus less on the future and more on enjoying what we have together now, and having fun. But it's still in the back of my mind.

I love him so much. I never want to lose him. I'm extremely young and ignorant but I could truly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. This has been a downright horrible experience.

Does anyone have any advice? I will do absolutely anything to persevere through this and help our relationship heal. I feel strongly that we can do it. It's just terrifying for both of us...

[agentholli]

I think that best thing f or you to do is to try to not focus on the future, like you said. If you focus on all the things that you don't have...then you can go into the dark place. Always, always,always focus on what is good in your relationship. Remember the laughter and the fun, hang on to those things. I know that it is easier said then done..trust me! I have had my emotional fits about how the future will work and how i want to see him RIGHT NOW! But give your heart a little time to heal and focus on the good and the now.

Good luck to you both!

[Hannah]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really appreciate the feedback. I guess maybe I do need to look back and remember all the great times we've had together and remember that there will be more to come.

[Zephii]

I'm a very future-plan orientated person, so my response is a little different, but Agentholli still has good advice.

I feel that if you don't plan for your lives to come together, they wont. It's that simple. Both of you will need to compromise on some things. And I understand how hard that can be when comming from different backgrounds and still being very young, but it is possible. Do your parents know about and support your relationship? Your ticker tells me your realtionship is still fairly new, so that too will make it hard to gain support from others and make the necessary compromises to make the relationship work.
Could you do colledge in a place closer to him, so you can be together sooner? Does he really want to join the navy or does he feel it's his only option? If he feels there is something else he'd rather do with his life, he could always work while you finish colledge, then the two of you will probably have enough combined resources for him to go to colledge and get a carrer.
Perhaps he could find a slightly better job in your area? Would your parents let you live under their roof together while he found work. If he's working full time and you're working part time, chances are you could make it on your own with a decent budget plan.

Just talk to each other. If you really want this relationship you'll make a new plan that ends with you being together, no matter how long that might actually take.

[Hannah]

That is a great point. And yeah, it still is very early on in the relationship. We'll be a year a week from today.
As far as future plans, he really does want to join the Navy. He feels strongly about serving his country and working hard, and the Navy provides unparalleled benefits for him. He will also be able to go to school once he is off active duty with his GI Bill.
As far as moving closer to him, that's not really an option nor a desire of mine, because he'll be all over the place anyway in the Navy, and my dream school is up in Boston and I just couldn't turn that down if I get in, which is looking likely (thank goodness!).

My parents are... somewhat supportive. My father dislikes that he isn't a huge success story and my mother is supportive, but skeptical at times. Living under the same roof would be out of the question to them at this stage of the game. And the whole prospect of moving up North from the deep South is financial suicide. The cost of living up here is MUCH more expensive. ):

Ultimately I think it will be a matter of patience and waiting until we both achieve what we're happy with in life. Once we find what we're passionate about, etc., that's when we can REALLY start cracking down and making plans. For now, there is definitely a mutual understanding that we will eventually try our best to be with each other.

Thanks for the advice!!

[Scanny]

I'm with Zephii on the plan thing. If your plans can't be solid and complete right now that's ok, but to see you both working together towards the common goal of being together is important. So, if you can't see your way clear through to the end, you take whatever steps you can closer so that you can see a little clearer.

My plan is very long term and there are a lot of murky areas too but it goes something like this:

Long Term Goal: to live happily ever after in Australia

Since Aus won't let me in easily with my disabled son, to achieve this, he's going to need to move here for a while first cause that's the fastest route to being together and establishing our relationship, while still working towards the financial goals we'll need to reach move my kids and I over there.

Medium Term Goals:
-For him to come here, he'll need a career. He's working on that now. He's halfway through his second year of university.
-I have some debt I would like to take care of before he joins me in Canada so we can have a fresh start (and because it looks better for immigration). I'd also like to get myself back into school so that I have a career too and can be an equal contributor in our relationship. So, I'm trying to clear up some issues with Canada student loans and applied to distance ed for the fall.

Once he gets through university, he'll look for work here. If he can find it, he'll come live with me and we can start saving like crazy, I can finish my schooling and hopefully that will get us to the point where we can go through the immigration process, which will be a painful, lengthy thing. Exactly HOW we're going to talk Australia into letting us in is one of the murky things. I know they'll outright deny us and we'll need an immigration lawyer to file some appeals.

In the short term, we'd really love to plan a visit, but we have no idea how we'll afford it....so I guess our short term goals are to somehow pull $2000 out of our asses.

K, so that's what my plan looks like. Some of it's pretty far fetched and impossible seeming but we're determined to make it work. We both committed to this relationship in the first place knowing it would be next to impossible to pull off...but that's what love does huh?

[Hannah]

That makes enough sense to me. I certainly know we have short-term and long-term goals. Thanks for your input!!!! (:

[xsomanymilesx]

i want to be with my boyfriend forever too, i dont really care about anythin else.
*hug* sorry you had to go through this, i feel the same right now ; i just want to hold him and then everything will be okay.
its what makes me mad on here, most of us on here are really good together in our reletionships and its just the distance that drags us down.

[Hannah]

I totally hear you. We've been doing better lately though, thankfully.

[Mio]

I hope you can be together soon!

[Hannah]

Me too!

[Semperfikindoflove]

You sound very strong and so does he. Just remember that things get better with time and distance is only as far as you make it out to be. Just let things cool off for a couple of days. The one thing I would say is as for the Navy, things will get much harder once he joins and if you two can make it through this you will easily make it through the next thing thrown your way. Just remember that fights will be bad but they can also teach you a lot about your relationship. You two will be fine, just have faith and know that it can work out. Anything you set your mind to, you can make work. Love is about fighting only just to make up. Keep your head up!

[Hannah]

Thank you for the support!