Marriage Advice?

[Molly]

Ok I know I haven't been on a lot since Derik started coming to my Uni (though that may change not that summer is upon us....) Anyway Derik and I have decided to get married at the end of the summer because then we can finally end the distance for good!

Now, we can use the Stafford loans that Derik is using now to pay for a dorm for rent provided we find an apartment and whatnot so I'm not worried about that.... What I'm worried about is the wedding itself.

Right now we have no money. We're both going to work over the summer and save but it won't be a enough for much of a wedding. Now I want to elope. Not secretly or anything, just cheaply and privately.

Derik however wants to try and have a small family only wedding. He even suggested a cook-out type thing, I shot it down. You see I don't want my wedding to be an embarrassment! If I can't have a fairytale wedding then I don't want any wedding at all.

What do you guys think? Is it okay to have a BBQ wedding with your family or does that sound as horrible to you guys as it does to me?

[Rane]

I agree with you. I mean, unless that's the kind of guy he is, and you knew that, and felt the same way, then hey, whatever makes the day special for both of you? But as for myself, I prefer it more simple, which is why we will be having ours as such. But BBQ wedding, just zomg, I could not fathom doing that. :O

[So_Far_Away]

Perhaps have a compromise that right now you could just elope, but i a few years when you ahve more money re-new your vows and have a big ceremony? I personally am not into the whole big wedding thing (I hate attention being on me!) so my ideal wedding would just be me, my familly and my close friends in a church....

[MadMolly]

Can you maybe work for a few more summers instead of getting married right away, or do you need to be married to move in together?

[redbellepepper]

i agree with Rane, So Far Away, and MadMolly... why not wait till you have enough resources for your wedding? or if you can't wait and there are valid reasons why you want to get married soon, then compromise---civil wedding then just renew your vows few years later. maybe by then you'll be able to have your dream wedding. i'm not a fan of big weddings but i don't think i'll go for BBQ wedding, either.

[folclor]

My cousin had a small family only wedding. It wasn't a BBQ, but it was nice. They had it om the backyard of her parent's house. I say go for the family wedding because otherwise they might feel slighted later. I had an aunt who eloped and my mom and her other siblings still hold a little bit of a grudge. ^^;

[ioanna]

hey there Molly : )
first of all congratulations to the both of you for deciding to take that next step !! : D
i can only imagine how stressful all these choices you have to make are.... i wish you good luck and strength dealing with them... and patience too...
the first question that comes to my mind is that when you say no budget, how much are you actually talking about? there are a lot of ways that you can make your ceremony and reception special that do not require a lot of money (they do however require more crafty work) but if you are in the arts, thats not much of a problem...
theres also another option that comes to mind.. you can have a small civil ceremony (just you and the witnesses; or with your direct family) and then have a small cocktail party.. its a lot fancier than a BBQ, but doesn't necessarily cost more, since there is no food, and you can for instance only provide two signature cocktails, one yours, and one his....
what is most important here is that you both feel at ease... this is your wedding.... i think a good idea would be to set a list of your priorities and compare... from reading your post, i deduced (correct me if im wrong) that you dont want to feel embarrassed, or be subject of mockery; and that he feels that its important to share that special event with your family...
keep in mind that any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding.. i find that what makes a fairy tale wedding is the smiles on the couples faces, and the happiness that radiates from them....

[edit] i just wanted to add, if you dont mention the word wedding, everything is less expensive...

[Zephii]

Good to see you

I wouldn't want a BBQ wedding either, coz I'm picky, but I once went to a pot-luck wedding that didn't feel at all like an underbudget production.
But why not just go to the JP or whatever they have there, pay your $50 for the marriage licence, then save up for a big wedding celebration in a year or so?
I thought the cocktail idea was a good one too. ^^; but it really depends on what you have your heart set on. If you want a big fancy wedding and you'll feel jipped if you don't get it, then find a way to make it happen

[Scanny]

I think backyard weddings are awesome. Doesn't necessarily have to be a BBQ to to be inexpensive if that's what's getting you about it. I wouldn't be embarrassed about having a small wedding to get off to a healthy financial start in my marriage. Better than charging it. It's fiscal responsibility and it's trendy these days.
The important thing is to celebrate your love...if your fiance wants to celebrate with family, I don't blame him. I wouldn't feel right getting married without sharing it with my family and a few close friends.
The best way to cut costs is to keep the guest list low. So, pick only the most absolutely important people. Then you can afford to make the wedding celebration a bit nicer for the few people you choose to share it with. There are tons of ideas on wedding planning websites for ways to have a budget-friendly wedding that's classy and romantic. I'm sure you two can come up with some compromises that suit your budget and both your tastes.

[Naori]

I wouldnt want a BBQ wedding at all. Not to mention the stress included with setup and clean up but its just reeks of tackiness.

Try vacation wedding. It would be around 5000 budget but it would be nice. Like on a cruise or at a beach. And friends and family can go if they want to. (pay for themselves)

But as for me as much as I want to marry my boyfriend. I have to think time (auspicious dates + meaningful) and I want to think budget (he's all about saving and I am all about spending) so we decided to wait.

[Scanny]

See, I disagree with the the destination wedding thing. If anything, I'd consider THAT tacky. Requiring your friends and family to a) use their vacation time and b) expect them to blow their vacation budget to be able to partake in your special day. That always struck me as self-entitled, tacky and inconsiderate. You might as well elope and not invite anyone rather than going through the awkwardness of having everyone tell you they can't afford it. But if you're the only person you know who isn't swimming in money, I guess it works.

Some linkies to check out:
https://www.projectwedding.com/weddi...out-of-college
https://www.do-it-yourself-weddings.com/index.html
https://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-...spx?MsdVisit=1
https://www.weddingplanningonabudget.com/
https://www.big-wedding-tiny-budget.com/
https://www.articlealley.com/article_884097_41.html
https://www.getmarried.com/wedding-blog/tag/budget/

Most brides these days do a lot of shopping for unique and inexpensive on Etsy. There was a great blog out there at one point that I just spent tons of time looking for. I can't seem to find it anymore though :/

[Zephii]

Couldn't agree more Scanny!
Which is one reason Obi and I wont get married for a long long time - we'll either need to do it twice, or I'll need to pay for a bunch of airfares!! I'd never expect others to pay to attend my wedding.

[Scanny]

I think no matter which way I go, I'm going to have to pay for some airfares because we have the Canada-Australia thing going on and it'd be just mean to expect people to spring that themselves. We decided we'll get married in Aus because he has more family and friends that he'd like to be there...and because it will be easier to talk my family into going to Aus than it will be to talk his into visiting Canada. I'll have to spring completely for my brother because he's broke-ass all the time...I may even have to buy him a tux But I want him there and I want him to walk me down the aisle. Then my Mom, and maybe my best friend I can try to pitch on airfare and find some accommodations for them all. In the end, we'll be spending so much money moving to Australia, getting the people we love there, trying to get settled, buying a home....we will have to make our wedding very small and try to pull off some creative classy stuff. That's why I pay lots of attention to budget-wedding blogs.

I guess the only thing with the OP's situation is that she hasn't left herself a lot of time to plan a wedding. Doing it with money takes quite a while....doing it on a minimal budget is even more pressing.

[lunamea]

My husband and me had very little money when we got married, so it was a small civil wedding. Because dates are important to me, too, we had our wedding on a Friday, which nobody does, so a few of my friends couldn't get off from work. We went to a restaurant afterwards and then had coffee and cake at my husband's family's apartment. We didn't have a professional photographer, I didn't have a "real" bridal dress, my husband borrowed his tuxedo from a friend and it turned out to be a couple sizes too small, we got the cheapest flowers that fell off the car and we didn't have a honeymoon vacation. We didn't care at the time. Trust me, no matter how "simple" your wedding's going to be, your memories of it will be wonderful. Even though there are things that irked me about our wedding (that my granny showed up dressed all in black, that my hubby's family showed up in jeans), all the things I mentioned above made it unique and special and not as "artificial" and "constructed" as most expensive weddings these days. Even though my dream wedding had been quite different, I still have fond memories of it... it wasn't a dream wedding, but it was ours and it perfectly reflected our lives at the time. My husband and me now laugh remembering the too-small tux, the people dressed in jeans, the fuzzy photos, the flowers I had to pick up from the middle of the street and the only-half-thawed cake.

No matter how simple or different your wedding's gonna be, I guarantee that you'll make good memories. I definitely second the "have a 'cheap' civil wedding now and then renew your vows once you've saved up." I know that if my husband and I stay together, I do want to renew our vows one day.

[Thad]

I totally agree with everyone else that there is no requirement on size of wedding -- do what works for you.

However, I'm a bit concerned because you're both still in school -- and just to preface what I'm about to say is my opinion based on my situation, but alas i digress. I don't think it matters when you get married as long as you love each other. My SO and I are madly in love, but I'm 3000 miles away going to grad school for one more year. We decided that it didn't make sense to get married before I finished school. It doesn't change our relationship. In fact it has made things less stressful right now because we have one less thing to worry about. I think its great you can be together and move in together, but I would caution you that maybe being "officially married" can wait. It won't matter as long as you still love each other.

For what its worth. :o)

Glad you're happy together!