Despite the fact that me and Katelyn broke up 2 months ago, it has been hard dealing with the move. After some time after the break-up I started to feel better. My classes however got screwed and since I was feeling so bad everyday after the breakup it ended up being irreparable, I received an F in all fall classes. I stayed until 3 days ago in United States. Me and Katelyn still held contact on a regular basis through those months. The last two evenings before I had to leave we spent together. The first evening was a rather happy occassion, we hadn't seen eachother in quite a while. I got a haircut, we shopped some together and watched a movie. The second evening however was different. The realization of us not even living in the same country, despite not being together anymore, hit us both as a rock. We talked, cried, apologized and it was a rather horrific time. I admit despite everything that had happened to that point I still have feelings for her.
During the travel back to Sweden, I was feeling okay. Actually I didn't feel much at all, it was a mix of everything, happy, sad, disappointed. I sent her a few txts in my short break in Seattle before heading on. I didn't cry during the entire travelling portion. When I arrived at my dad's house, however, memories and feelings returned.
It has now only been one full 24-hr day I've actually been in Sweden, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to, but I miss US and Katelyn a lot.
At certain points I feel stronger then others. And at certain times I feel hopeless. I do miss her with all my heart, and I know she misses me just as much. I just don't know how to handle it all. Be busy, get your mind away from it, you'll probably say. I know that's the way of handling it but I can't get myself to actually do anything. I don't want to end up like I was before, but I don't want to lose Katelyn entirely either. She's been my closest friend for years now, and I don't share any stronger bond to anyone else. I know all of you are going through so much for yourself, maybe I'm just silly. But these places I return to just echoes the memories of before I left to US. I'm trying to be strong for myself and not break down and screaming out her name while crying and wanting her back, and I've stopped all except for the crying part.
I don't know what I'm ranting about or anything. I just feel weak, sad, vulnerable, alone, hopeless, helpless. I'm in a place where I should feel like home, yet I feel like I'm further away from home then I've ever been.
EDIT:
I'm sorry for this rant. I'm just really vulnerable at the moment and needed some sort of reply or response. I appreciate those that read through it but couldn't find anything to say and I understand those that found it too long and well inconsistent.
During the travel back to Sweden, I was feeling okay. Actually I didn't feel much at all, it was a mix of everything, happy, sad, disappointed. I sent her a few txts in my short break in Seattle before heading on. I didn't cry during the entire travelling portion. When I arrived at my dad's house, however, memories and feelings returned.
It has now only been one full 24-hr day I've actually been in Sweden, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to, but I miss US and Katelyn a lot.
At certain points I feel stronger then others. And at certain times I feel hopeless. I do miss her with all my heart, and I know she misses me just as much. I just don't know how to handle it all. Be busy, get your mind away from it, you'll probably say. I know that's the way of handling it but I can't get myself to actually do anything. I don't want to end up like I was before, but I don't want to lose Katelyn entirely either. She's been my closest friend for years now, and I don't share any stronger bond to anyone else. I know all of you are going through so much for yourself, maybe I'm just silly. But these places I return to just echoes the memories of before I left to US. I'm trying to be strong for myself and not break down and screaming out her name while crying and wanting her back, and I've stopped all except for the crying part.
I don't know what I'm ranting about or anything. I just feel weak, sad, vulnerable, alone, hopeless, helpless. I'm in a place where I should feel like home, yet I feel like I'm further away from home then I've ever been.
EDIT:
I'm sorry for this rant. I'm just really vulnerable at the moment and needed some sort of reply or response. I appreciate those that read through it but couldn't find anything to say and I understand those that found it too long and well inconsistent.
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