Feeling less than your exes?

[Kanga]

My S/O and I had a conversation last night. An ex of mine had been calling, and texting this week wanting to get together to meet up and get coffee. Then it turned in him wanting to have sex. We dated only 3 weeks. I'm a virgin, none of that ever happened. I've been telling my s/o about this all this week. He basically confessed last night that he felt lesser than my exes, that I guess that they got away with stuff(sexually) and he can't. Its more so, that he hasn't touched me, kissed me, and just can't be next to me. These other guys (my exes) were absolute well garbage, and he feels that hes less than them. When I was with them, I didn't care about myself. With him its different, I do love him a lot. I finally told him he was way better than my exes, and that he shouldn't compare himself to my exes which is what he was doing essentially. My question is has anyone ever compared themselves to their S/O's exes? Why would someone do that? Did it make you feel less than them?

I hope all of this makes sense I'll try to reword it if not.

[liv4cause]

It's natural, but you have to come to the conclusion that your SO chose you, and no one else. Whatever their ex was, you're not that person and you should stop feeling insecure about it. I used to compare myself to his ex, thinking she was prettier, older, somehow better. But then I had to remind myself that saying this out loud would only complicate things and that I just have to get over myself. Plus he gives me enough confirmation and confidence that I am really the one he's chosen above all others. Obviously sometimes I wonder whether she did things better, whether he liked her kisses more, that her eyes were prettier.. but all that doesn't matter anymore, because it's a thing of the past. He just has to learn confidence and trust more in your love. If he starts comparing himself again, don't start giving examples of how he's not the same.. Just tell him that in any case, he's the one you want, and that you like and love him for who he is, and that your exes are exes because they did not fulfill your criteria, where he obviously does and that he doesn't need to worry.

[Kanga]

I'm sorry I'm not the one comparing myself to the exes. He's comparing himself to mine. If I gave examples it wasn't like he did this, and he does it better than you. It was more so your better in every single way imaginable I made it clear that they were in the past, and I didn't want them. If that was the case we(him and me) wouldn't be together now.

[Zapookie]

I have compared myself to his ex before. Why did I? I guess I was/am insecure. I think the main thing was that she lived close to him and was able to go over to his house whenever she wanted, and they got to spend a lot of time together, while my time with him was limited.

I think I just wanted to have that comfortability of a normal relationship where you hang out and get to know each other in person, and go on dates, and go driving to places together. I never got that and sometimes it makes me feel like I was on an automatic handicap and that it wasn't fair.

I know that he loves me. I know that I mean more to him than she did. I know that he doesn't doubt us and sees a future with me. That's what I need to keep reminding myself.

What you need to do is just be supportive. Encourage him when he's feeling down and explain to him why you think he's amazing/awesome/the best ever. He might not believe it at first but if you keep reinforcing he may just start to hear the words as truth It's normal for some people to feel insecure in the early stages of a relationship.

[Kanga]

Yeah, all of his exes have cheated on him in the past. So I'm not sure if thats why he feels that way or what. I'll definitely be very encouraging to him. I try my best as is. So, I'll do even better.

[HollzHeartsChris]

It's just natural to think you're less worthy than someone else. But he should take comfort like someone said above that he chose you over everyone else and that he loves you over someone else. We all make the mistake of comparing and thinking "urgh, I'm not as good as him/her", but the truth is that is the wrong way to think. Reassure him, comfort him, make him see that you love him lots and lots and that should help lift his spirits up

[squirrelz15]

I'm also one of those who tends to compare myself, especially since i knew her personally, we used to go on double dates together before they broke up. I think a lot of it stems from insecurity, so just make sure you reassure him that you want him and no one else, and that he is everything you want/need, and that the others didn't meet your needs in a relationship, that you choose him. I think a lot of us do this. I tend to just suck it up and not say anything. He doesn't know the things I think on this stuff, its not his insecurity that's causing the issue, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. But still, all you can really do is support him and make sure he knows you're there and not planning to leave.

[leonsfangirl]

I don't and neither does my So.
Past relationships are just that, sure he may have had smarter,prettier,better cooking woman than me but I'm the one he wants to marry.
From what you've said i don't think he feels lesser, but envious? they got to hug/kiss ect you and he hasn't yet. Just tell him he'll get to do all those things soon and it'll mean more because you care for him way more than the others.