Am I being greedy?

[Yaaamiii]

I think you need to write a letter with all your feelings in it. You should include how when you do get to talk, he makes you laugh and you realize how much you love him. And also include some solutions to the issues you are facing. Then ask him to come up with solutions.

Don't say anything you'll regret. Take this time to calm down (it's hard cuz he's being an ass), collect your thoughts, and write them down. When you do get to talk, read the letter to him. He's not allowed to interrupt or say anything until you are done.

Best wishes.

THAT is a really good idea =D!! Wow, thanks lucybelle, I think if my SO and I are ever stuck in a hole like we were 2 years ago, I'll try this method. Thank you.

[Mara]

I won't talk you into or out of breaking up with him, but I will say think about things before you make any rash decisions. You're hurting now and any decision you make is out of that hurt.

His behavior is inexcusable and intolerable, however, if I were you, I wouldn't break up with him and I wouldn't keep telling him how you feel either, I'd pull back. I hate playing games in relationships, but I would honestly treat him how he treats you. I wouldn't text him first or call him or anything like that. When he does text you or call you, take ages to respond and then only short answers or tell him you're busy. When he finally says something about it you say if it's okay for you to treat me like this then I think it's fine for me to treat you this way as well.

I don't think he actually gets how he is treating you and on top of it I think this is just a difficult time for you both because it is the time right after a visit, but he needs to understand how you are feeling and I think the only thing to do is to give him a taste of his own medicine. Don't be so available or so needy, walk away, and if he loves you as much as you love him, he'll follow.

[Jezah]

WE talked for 2 hours just now and I am really unsure how I feel. He apologized, apparently the whole playing the game thing and ignoring me was because he honestly thought that would give me time to 'cool down'. In the past we argued and the next day we were ok and so he somehow assumed that when I am mad he just needs to ignore me and somehow that will make me forget why I am mad and be all happy again. Odd since he is not usually an idiot.

However, he still insists I blew it out of proportion and is making me feel like I was being needy and too demanding. So I am still feeling kinda hurt and thrown, I don't know what to think. On one hand I love him and he did apologize, but on the other I feel like he still doesn't understand. Yes he is sorry he made me mad, sorry he just had to spend 2 hours arguing with me, but I am not sure if he is really sorry for hurting me since he seems to believe I have no reason to be so hurt.

He has decided to not go to his friends on New Years and instead spend a night in with me, so that is a small step towards him maybe getting his priorities straight, but part of me also wonders if he is just doing that to placate me and not because he gets it. I still don't think he sees what the issue is, and I can't seem to explain it. I told him I feel like he only talks to me when its convenient for him but he doesn't see it. I fear I will most likely just give in and let it go...but I don't know if thats because I am ok with it or because I usually have a hard time standing up for myself when it counts.

[lucybelle]

Take it one step at a time. He apologized and wants to spend time with you. Don't try to find the negative in that. Take advantage of it and make sure you show him how much fun hanging out with you is! Don't be a negative nelly and don't bring up any problems during this time. Watch a movie, talk about current events, compliment each other.

Maybe the reason he has been ignoring you is because every time you do talk, it's a negative talk. And no one wants to be pulled down like that. I'm not saying you should hide your feelings, but for NYE be positive. Be funny. Be sexy. Show him what he's missing by goofing off with his stupid video games.

Best of luck!

[squirrelz15]

Take it one step at a time. He apologized and wants to spend time with you. Don't try to find the negative in that. Take advantage of it and make sure you show him how much fun hanging out with you is! Don't be a negative nelly and don't bring up any problems during this time. Watch a movie, talk about current events, compliment each other.

Maybe the reason he has been ignoring you is because every time you do talk, it's a negative talk. And no one wants to be pulled down like that. I'm not saying you should hide your feelings, but for NYE be positive. Be funny. Be sexy. Show him what he's missing by goofing off with his stupid video games.

Best of luck!

I think this is really good advice, at this point all you can really do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I understand how you're feeling though, I would be feeling the same way. It does sound confusing, and when he says hurtful things, it's hard to believe him when he says he's sorry and things will change. I hope for the best for the both of you!

[Malaga]

I see you've been together for about half a year. In my experience, this is usually about the time the honeymoon period starts to wear off, one of the partners begins to need more time for themselves and their hobbies, and the other partner starts to feel neglected, because it's a change from the routine they had before.

The way he snapped at you is rude and hurtful and it's good that you called him on it. But from what I gathered he still talks to you every day, even if he's genuinely busy (like family time). He's setting up a daily routine he can keep up with, and you need to negotiate more time (like Saturday dates etc) with him.

Your boyfriend plays video games; mine doesn't but I couldn't understand how come he can stare at TV for hours when he could be chatting to me instead, how come stupid soaps are more important than the time with me. It still annoys me sometimes. But he needs some downtime, especially after a busy day, or a stressful event like an argument. He needs some time to put his brain on the shelf and just play video games or stare at soaps or whatever. We can be frustrated with it, but it's their genuine need and basically you can take it or leave it.

What I can tell you is that if you work through this together and stay together, you will have a second honeymoon, and the third and the fourth. Just as there will be times in between when you will annoy each other like you do now and conversations might be a bit dull, but you'll still make an effort to keep in touch because you care and because you know it's just a phase.

I'd say staying with you on webcam for NYE instead of going to a party with friends is a pretty big concession on his part. The lad culture is big in the UK, I know from my own experience, and mates are like number 1. For a guy, giving up fun time with the lads is a big deal, and he wouldn't do that if you weren't important to him. And it's not just any weekend either, it's NYE. I'm not saying you should be grateful or anything, it's what you deserve; but it's a good thing to remember next time you think he doesn't care enough or won't do anything for you.

My guy does like ten things every week that make me think he doesn't care enough, but he does another 10 or 20 things that show how important I am to him. It's just a question of what I will focus on. It's easy to overlook the positives when you're worked up over the negatives.
You should stand up for yourself, but if you focus on the negatives while you address problems, he'll just be defensive. If you focus on the positives, he will feel you have understanding for his shortcomings, and open up more.

Good luck! xx

[amy&eden]

Your post made me cry.....I have a similiar problem with my boyfriend his family moved 4000 thousand miles away and theres a time difference of 4 hours. Before he started school we talked constantly on skype and then we both got bbm just so we could talk more and text constantly but now hes in school and hes completely swamped with alll this exam work that he has to catch up on and his mother blames me for him not doing as well as he should be even though we barely talk as it is anymore. He always used to make time for me he was the kindest sweetest most caring person and did everything to have time for me went out of his way but i;ve told him to put school first...mainly because im scared his mother will blame me again. So we barely ever talk anymore we went from talking all the time to barely ever talking. I was unhappy and miserable about it but i dealt with it.....but then he started to make friends. He stopped doing study and work to go spend time with these friends who by the way are girls which doesnt impress me too much either , he was giving up study and time to talk to me for these girls and it resulted in me maybe getting a text at the end of his day right when he was falling asleep. He'd then complain about how he didnt talk to me that day and how he felt bad for it and i somehow ended up feeling guilty for wanting him to talk to me more....

It got to the point where i couldnt hold it in any longer and confronted him, i felt like i'd lost MY boyfriend the one i was going through all this pain for the one who did everything and anything to help me when i needed it not just to abandon me when he was busy.... i told him he'd changed that he wasnt the same anymore and that things had to change i really lost my temper but instead of going through things he just broke down crying and begging me not to leave him and saying sorry over and over and it went on for hours he wasnt giving me what needed to be said what I needed to hear but he made me feel SO SO SO guilty for even bringing it up i hated upsetting him even though im the one who gave up what was left of my life to sit around and wait for my boyfriend to have time to talk to me....i hoped the argument wouldnt happen again but it did

Exactly a week later same thing happened and the week after that and the week after that and eventually he became mean and just a dickhead basically which if you knew him isnt like him at all....he literally said to me one day when i was hysterically crying over missing him and told him i needed him and he txt me and said 'im out with friends sorry i know im being a dick but i just dont want to start this now'.........it hurt so bad i cant be in a relationship where he only talks to me when its convient fir him it makes me feel so unwanted like he only talks to me when he has a problem and needs to talk to someone that my feelings dont matter anymore

It escalated into a huge fight in the end over exactly the same thing and i refused to feel guilty this time for bringing it up, he cried at first said loads of im sorrys but then said he was sick of this every week that i had to make up mind to be with him or not because he didnt want the arguments every week over him being an ass but that he wasnt going to end things with me that I had to do it.........thats just not my boyfriend. Its not that person i fell in love with and i dont understand how hes treating me like this being stressed is no excuse. I hate feeling needy and I dont want him to give up friends for me i Know he has very little as it is and doesnt like his new life but for i say i dont want him to give stuff up for me but deep down i do.......i want him to make time for me i want him to actually seem interested when we do talk and not just give short answers and make me feel like hes bothering me. I want him to fight for us for our relationship but he doesnt he turns the guilt round on me...honestly he doesnt mean to guilt me he really doesnt hes just so immature and cant handle a grown up relationship......

Things got better over christmas holidays he didnt have school so made time for me but then he gave up time for me again to go hang out with those girls....we used to skype everyday before.....we havnt skyped in 4 months he doesnt have time for it and when he does he never offers and im sick of feeling needy and begging for his time. I thought things were going to be better now but hes been back at school for 3 days and already hes only text me like twice. I havnt heard his voice in 4 months and its killing me inside...

Theres nothing like feeling bad for just wanting your SO to have time for you but you shouldnt feel bad we both shouldnt. I honestly dont know what to do because i have spoken to him about it and we have nearly broke up but things didnt change after the argument.... i miss my boyfriend the one i fell in love with the one who im sitting around waiting for for the next few years. They should feel bad not us. I love my SO and i dont know how to be without him i understand that you dont know what to do either but know that you are NOT being greedy. I know i cant stand much more of being put last, i hope both of our SO's change their ways. Talk to him properly about it if he says your being unreasonable or that its all bs then theres your answer hes not going to change.....

Hope all works out..... x

[Yaaamiii]

Your post made me cry.....I have a similiar problem with my boyfriend his family moved 4000 thousand miles away and theres a time difference of 4 hours. Before he started school we talked constantly on skype and then we both got bbm just so we could talk more and text constantly but now hes in school and hes completely swamped with alll this exam work that he has to catch up on and his mother blames me for him not doing as well as he should be even though we barely talk as it is anymore. He always used to make time for me he was the kindest sweetest most caring person and did everything to have time for me went out of his way but i;ve told him to put school first...mainly because im scared his mother will blame me again. So we barely ever talk anymore we went from talking all the time to barely ever talking. I was unhappy and miserable about it but i dealt with it.....but then he started to make friends. He stopped doing study and work to go spend time with these friends who by the way are girls which doesnt impress me too much either , he was giving up study and time to talk to me for these girls and it resulted in me maybe getting a text at the end of his day right when he was falling asleep. He'd then complain about how he didnt talk to me that day and how he felt bad for it and i somehow ended up feeling guilty for wanting him to talk to me more....

It got to the point where i couldnt hold it in any longer and confronted him, i felt like i'd lost MY boyfriend the one i was going through all this pain for the one who did everything and anything to help me when i needed it not just to abandon me when he was busy.... i told him he'd changed that he wasnt the same anymore and that things had to change i really lost my temper but instead of going through things he just broke down crying and begging me not to leave him and saying sorry over and over and it went on for hours he wasnt giving me what needed to be said what I needed to hear but he made me feel SO SO SO guilty for even bringing it up i hated upsetting him even though im the one who gave up what was left of my life to sit around and wait for my boyfriend to have time to talk to me....i hoped the argument wouldnt happen again but it did

Exactly a week later same thing happened and the week after that and the week after that and eventually he became mean and just a dickhead basically which if you knew him isnt like him at all....he literally said to me one day when i was hysterically crying over missing him and told him i needed him and he txt me and said 'im out with friends sorry i know im being a dick but i just dont want to start this now'.........it hurt so bad i cant be in a relationship where he only talks to me when its convient fir him it makes me feel so unwanted like he only talks to me when he has a problem and needs to talk to someone that my feelings dont matter anymore

It escalated into a huge fight in the end over exactly the same thing and i refused to feel guilty this time for bringing it up, he cried at first said loads of im sorrys but then said he was sick of this every week that i had to make up mind to be with him or not because he didnt want the arguments every week over him being an ass but that he wasnt going to end things with me that I had to do it.........thats just not my boyfriend. Its not that person i fell in love with and i dont understand how hes treating me like this being stressed is no excuse. I hate feeling needy and I dont want him to give up friends for me i Know he has very little as it is and doesnt like his new life but for i say i dont want him to give stuff up for me but deep down i do.......i want him to make time for me i want him to actually seem interested when we do talk and not just give short answers and make me feel like hes bothering me. I want him to fight for us for our relationship but he doesnt he turns the guilt round on me...honestly he doesnt mean to guilt me he really doesnt hes just so immature and cant handle a grown up relationship......

Things got better over christmas holidays he didnt have school so made time for me but then he gave up time for me again to go hang out with those girls....we used to skype everyday before.....we havnt skyped in 4 months he doesnt have time for it and when he does he never offers and im sick of feeling needy and begging for his time. I thought things were going to be better now but hes been back at school for 3 days and already hes only text me like twice. I havnt heard his voice in 4 months and its killing me inside...

Theres nothing like feeling bad for just wanting your SO to have time for you but you shouldnt feel bad we both shouldnt. I honestly dont know what to do because i have spoken to him about it and we have nearly broke up but things didnt change after the argument.... i miss my boyfriend the one i fell in love with the one who im sitting around waiting for for the next few years. They should feel bad not us. I love my SO and i dont know how to be without him i understand that you dont know what to do either but know that you are NOT being greedy. I know i cant stand much more of being put last, i hope both of our SO's change their ways. Talk to him properly about it if he says your being unreasonable or that its all bs then theres your answer hes not going to change.....

Hope all works out..... x

Uhh. First off, I'd like to say that I read your entire post and I hope I didn't misinterpret anything. I don't mean to offend you and I'm honestly so sorry if this comes off as harsh but why are you even with him? He is obviously making you miserable. Someone who honestly and truly loves you would not do that to you. I can relate very much to what you've said as something not exactly like that but very similar happened to me at the beginning of our LDR and I had to confront him about it. But the difference was that my SO fought for me. I think you should seriously evaluate your relationship. If you're living like this everyday and he seems to not care...then why?

Again I am so so sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way, that was not my intention. I'm very honestly just concerned for you because like I said, I experienced something similar once before.

[floridaellen]

Uhh. First off, I'd like to say that I read your entire post and I hope I didn't misinterpret anything. I don't mean to offend you and I'm honestly so sorry if this comes off as harsh but why are you even with him? He is obviously making you miserable. Someone who honestly and truly loves you would not do that to you. I can relate very much to what you've said as something not exactly like that but very similar happened to me at the beginning of our LDR and I had to confront him about it. But the difference was that my SO fought for me. I think you should seriously evaluate your relationship. If you're living like this everyday and he seems to not care...then why?

Again I am so so sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way, that was not my intention. I'm very honestly just concerned for you because like I said, I experienced something similar once before.

I agree with Yaaamiii. LDRs are all about compromise and respect for the other person's needs. He is not showing respect to your needs or compromise but rather being rude to you. I experienced that for a little bit but talked to my SO about it. We now talk on the phone every night and have a set texting schedule. We don't have Skype.

[amy&eden]

Uhh. First off, I'd like to say that I read your entire post and I hope I didn't misinterpret anything. I don't mean to offend you and I'm honestly so sorry if this comes off as harsh but why are you even with him? He is obviously making you miserable. Someone who honestly and truly loves you would not do that to you. I can relate very much to what you've said as something not exactly like that but very similar happened to me at the beginning of our LDR and I had to confront him about it. But the difference was that my SO fought for me. I think you should seriously evaluate your relationship. If you're living like this everyday and he seems to not care...then why?

Again I am so so sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way, that was not my intention. I'm very honestly just concerned for you because like I said, I experienced something similar once before.

Honestly because i love him, and i know my boyfriends still there somewhere it shows sometimes and when im with him i cant even describe the way he makes me feel when he is him. That person i describe up there isnt him, hes a sweetheart hes kind hes caring he treats me like im the most precious thing on the earth its why this change has been so hard for me its really hard 2 to describe who is he and who i've known in just a few words on this... if you knew us and you could see us when were together its amazing the connection we have... we never had problems before he left its when school became part of the picture after summer that this started to happen. Im still with him because hes my everything and i dont know how to be without him. He has made changes recently and im starting to see the reasons i fell in love with him come back out again. Its not that he doesnt care because he does he gets mad with himself constantly and hates himself for leaving me i dont think hes ever going to forgive himself for it, he just doesnt always have time to show me he cares and that where the problems start...
I dont expect you to understand it or approve it either honestly the stuff we have been through and the things hes gotten me through in the past its jst so hard to fully explain in a few sentences, he always used to be there for me all the time i guess im just waiting for the day that all these exams and stress is over and we'll get back to us again.

I'm still with him for the same reason we didnt break up when he moved, the pain may be bad for now but in the end when hes mine again and we can finally be together i hope it has all been worth it.. I cant tell the future i dont know what will happen with us days from now weeks months years on, but i pray that he'll still be mine and that he'll still be him. I love him...

[Engel]

Honestly because i love him, and i know my boyfriends still there somewhere it shows sometimes and when im with him i cant even describe the way he makes me feel when he is him. That person i describe up there isnt him, hes a sweetheart hes kind hes caring he treats me like im the most precious thing on the earth its why this change has been so hard for me its really hard 2 to describe who is he and who i've known in just a few words on this... if you knew us and you could see us when were together its amazing the connection we have... we never had problems before he left its when school became part of the picture after summer that this started to happen. Im still with him because hes my everything and i dont know how to be without him. He has made changes recently and im starting to see the reasons i fell in love with him come back out again. Its not that he doesnt care because he does he gets mad with himself constantly and hates himself for leaving me i dont think hes ever going to forgive himself for it, he just doesnt always have time to show me he cares and that where the problems start...
I dont expect you to understand it or approve it either honestly the stuff we have been through and the things hes gotten me through in the past its jst so hard to fully explain in a few sentences, he always used to be there for me all the time i guess im just waiting for the day that all these exams and stress is over and we'll get back to us again.

I'm still with him for the same reason we didnt break up when he moved, the pain may be bad for now but in the end when hes mine again and we can finally be together i hope it has all been worth it.. I cant tell the future i dont know what will happen with us days from now weeks months years on, but i pray that he'll still be mine and that he'll still be him. I love him...

Oh, honey...

really, you should stop torturing yourself. or he changes for the best, or leave him, this relationship doesnt sound healthy in the least.

[dukes2011]

I definitely think your feelings are normal and you are not being greedy. Over the summer, I had a similar issue with my SO. We graduated from undergrad so he took a road trip with his friends and asked off work, but forgot to ask off for my family's vacation. I was furious since I felt like he put time with his friends over me. I explained how I felt and he sort of got it, but the behavior continued and he didn't seem to get how me going to grad school was going to change things too much. I never gave him an ultimatum but I made sure my feelings were clear. I wrote him an email and that helped him a lot to see it in writing. Sometimes things don't really sink in until a person sees them. He came around, so just thought I'd share especially since he's also 23. Best of luck to you!! I'm thinking of you!

[Yaaamiii]

Honestly because i love him, and i know my boyfriends still there somewhere it shows sometimes and when im with him i cant even describe the way he makes me feel when he is him. That person i describe up there isnt him, hes a sweetheart hes kind hes caring he treats me like im the most precious thing on the earth its why this change has been so hard for me its really hard 2 to describe who is he and who i've known in just a few words on this... if you knew us and you could see us when were together its amazing the connection we have... we never had problems before he left its when school became part of the picture after summer that this started to happen. Im still with him because hes my everything and i dont know how to be without him. He has made changes recently and im starting to see the reasons i fell in love with him come back out again. Its not that he doesnt care because he does he gets mad with himself constantly and hates himself for leaving me i dont think hes ever going to forgive himself for it, he just doesnt always have time to show me he cares and that where the problems start...
I dont expect you to understand it or approve it either honestly the stuff we have been through and the things hes gotten me through in the past its jst so hard to fully explain in a few sentences, he always used to be there for me all the time i guess im just waiting for the day that all these exams and stress is over and we'll get back to us again.

I'm still with him for the same reason we didnt break up when he moved, the pain may be bad for now but in the end when hes mine again and we can finally be together i hope it has all been worth it.. I cant tell the future i dont know what will happen with us days from now weeks months years on, but i pray that he'll still be mine and that he'll still be him. I love him...

Believe it or not, you say I can't understand or approve, but I actually do. When I first became LD with my boyfriend, it was because he went to school. He changed so much, especially in that first semester. He hung out all the time with girls and it hurt me so much because I would tell him it bothered me but it was like it wasn't going through. His friends were more important to him than I was and he told me so. I mean, there were other problems. He used to call me when it was convenient for him. He spent all his time hanging out with his friends and would call me as he was falling asleep. Trust me, I know exactly what you're talking about. I felt like I was reading my story when I read your recent post. We fought and we fought and it was definitely the hardest time in our relationship and we've never been through a darker time. Your responses remind me very much of how I felt. I stayed with my SO because I loved him and waited for him to go back to the way he was before school started. He had to work on himself a lot. He eventually realized how bad he was hurting me and knew that he had to do what I was asking or he would lose me. There was so much hurt there.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. But looking back, the person I am today probably wouldn't put up with it as much as I had back then. He did change his ways however, and our relationship has improved 10x more and we've only become stronger from it. It really depends on how much and for how long you're willing to put up with it.

Edit: And yes, Engel is correct. Your situation really isn't very healthy. It wasn't healthy when I went through it, either. Seriously, you need to evaluate your relationship. It's probably not what you want to hear, but if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't have posted it on here. It's not healthy to sit there and wait for him to change. I really think you're torturing yourself by doing so. I lived so unhappily for months. You need to have one serious talk with your boyfriend. Not talking to him for 2 months is not being a good boyfriend. I really sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I feel I need to tell you, because from what you've told me, I've experienced the exact same thing.

Like I said, if I were to redo that part of our relationship as I am now, I wouldn't have gone through the torture I put myself through.