New here, My name is Kelly and I'd love advice

[ilovemyairman]

So, Im 19 living in Florida, 520 miles away from my boyfriend Nick. He lives in South Carolina because he is in the air force. Currently, he is married but in the process of separation and divorce. He isnt in love with his wife anymore and she knows this, but doesnt think he is serious. I've asked him tons of times to try and speed things along and sometimes I know I can be a little pushy, and it leads to us fighting. I've been stuck here for 4 months and I havn't seen him in 2. I feel like were growing apart. We recently found out i was 11 weeks pregnant, but due to the stress and trauma of this constant fighting and depression we lost the baby on xmas. It breaks my heart because I'm worried without the urgency of a child, he will take his time in kicking her out to move me in. I just dont know what to do. Last night we got in a huge fight and I was prepared for the break up, later he called me apologizing saying we needed to work together on this. We were supposed to get engaged for xmas and now hes coming up with all these reasons we cant be. coming from others who deal with similar situations...help..what do I do and how do I become patient.

[SquishyLove]

hmmmmm, I immediately would have reservations about this because he is just now ending a marriage, and may be on the rebound. Furthermore, I'm sorry you guys lost your baby. That's a very sad thing to happen. But at the same time, try not to think of having a child with someone as an "anchor" to that person to keep them around. My mom divorced my biological dad because he was a bad husband, and them having a child together did not keep them together. It honestly sounds like you're rushing things with this guy. He's ending a long-term relationship and marriage, which does take a lot of time and is a complicated process. I have a friend who was out of touch with her estranged husband, and she had to go through a LOT of red tape to finally have a divorce finalized. It's definitely not easy. I think at this stage in the game, getting engaged isn't the right thing to do. You guys are still getting to know each other. Jumping from one marriage into the next isn't a bright idea, in my opinion. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh - I'm only trying to be realistic. If you guys want to be in a relationship, I advise to take things slower, to get to know each other better and see if you're suited to be life partners before taking a step like becoming parents together or getting married. I'd advise to also be careful and try not to get pregnant again (if I'm overstepping any boundaries, I do apologize, but I see far too many people becoming parents before they're ready or in a good situation to do so!) because you guys are just starting out! You're 19 (10 years younger than me), which is by modern standards pretty young to have kids and settle down. A lot of growing up happens between 20 and 30 (and the growing never ends no matter how old you get), and I feel a lot of young women cheat themselves out of really positive life experiences by having kids too young (again, this may be controversial, and I may get flamed for saying these things, but I feel they need to be said!). Birth control is extremely accessible and cheap in the USA, and we're really lucky that we as women have the right to control our reproductive status. Exercise that right until you know what you want out of life. Protect yourself from getting in a bad situation that is irreversible. That's my advice. If I came off as too harsh or too pushy, please know it's not my intent. It's just that you're very young, and I don't think you should throw your life away for someone you not only have been dating just a short time, but someone who is ending a marriage. Let things take their natural course and don't push. Take it slow. Consider getting on reliable birth control to make sure you don't add more complication to your young life than you need. I say all of this with the utmost respect. There is no doubt that you love this guy, but I really think you should take it slower and be more careful with him!

Take care and be safe, and the best of luck to you!

P.S. Check out this chart made in 2009 which breaks down the cost of raising a child. https://visualeconomics.creditloan.c...o-raise-a-kid/ It's astounding how expensive it is to raise a child! I think a lot of young people have babies thinking it'll be cute, cuddly, and fun, not thinking about how hard and stressful it'll actually be! Think of the strain this could put on your relationship if you embark on parenthood not financially and mentally prepared to do so, and so early in the relationship! Also, it will stress you out, and you can't just give the kid back...once it is yours, there is no turning back! If the relationship with the father doesn't work out, you'll be saddled with all of the hard work. Statistically, unless the mother is extremely unfit to raise the child, the mother is usually given primary custody and the dad gets short visits and has to pay child support. Sure, the child support helps financially, but the real hard, nitty-gritty, day-to-day parenting often falls on the single mother, who will also have to work and try to juggle school if she wants an education, along with figuring out child care. To me, it doesn't sound appealing at all to embark on parenting at the age when you should be trying to figure out your education and future, and in a relationship that so far hasn't proven to be stable. Just my 2 cents. I'm sorry if it isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but I think it's far better to be realistic than romantic in some cases. Take this relationship slow and have fun rather than trying to marry this guy and have his babies right now...that's my advice.

[Zapookie]

Hi Kelly, welcome to LFAD! My name is Kelly too

First off, I wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what losing a baby feels like but just know that here at LFAD, we are a strong community full of support if you ever need it. Don't be afraid to post on here, most of us are very nice and we do not judge, we give constructive criticism where needed.

Secondly, I wanted to say that I agree with SquishyLove when she says to slow things down. I see that you've only been together since September (please correct me if I'm wrong.). If this is true, you two are still in the fairly early stages of your relationship. I also don't think that having a baby is something to be used as leverage into getting him to have the divorce finalised any quicker.

Hop on some birth control if you aren't on any at the moment. I say this because it's unwise to jump into such a serious commitment as a baby so quickly.

I'm 20, a year old than you. I've been with my SO for one year. We are hopefully going to move in together in the first half of 2012. I want to give us at least 6 months to a year of living together before we get engaged, let alone to even think of having a baby. I want to live with him and just do life with him and know that we work well together as a couple under one roof.

I know that sometimes divorces take time (my parents got one), so I think it would be better to let things run their natural course. It will be over soon, but there's no real way to rush it into finalisation. The best thing you can do is just be supportive. He called you to apologise and said that he wants to do this together, so you know that he does want to be with you and make it work. I believe you just need to give it time, and be patient.

As for how to be patient? I'm not really sure on that. It generally comes from understanding that not everything is under your control, and things come to fruition in their own time. For now, you just have to make the most of your relationship with him, and keep communication open and honest. Stay positive - focus on the future and know that half the fun of the adventure is the journey you take to get there.

[Lyric]

If he's in the military? He is legally required to support his wife until the divorce goes through and provide her with housing. (Not sure about the air force, but) In the army, if he's single, he loses his housing allowance and will have to move into barracks.

Military divorce is a bit different from civilian divorce. There's really not much to be done to speed it up.

So sorry about the loss of your child. I hope you will take what the posters above me have said to heart. I've been 19 and in a bad relationship with a baby - and it's really no way to be, looking back I wish I would have had someone to go to for advice. You have a whole community here!

[Engel]

Are you sure he is really leaving his wife? I am sorry for the loss of your child, but what you are doing is wrong. Unless the spouse talked with you and the only thing that is in their way is the divorce papers to be ready.. that would be something. But are you sure he isnt just trying to lure you?

And a child doesnt hold a man. "I'm worried without the urgency of a child, he will take his time in kicking her out to move me in."

And he cant just ´kick her out´! She is his wife! Even IF they really are going through divorce, they are still married, and shared/share a life togehter. you just dont kick the woman you once wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and got married to, so that your new girlfriend can move in. That is just wrong, sorry.

My grandfather had an other woman, and I know how much this hurt my grandmother.
Does this man have kids? His kids may be hurting with this as well, if all he said to you is true. And if he has respect for his wife while going through a divorce, see it as a good sign, you would want him to respect you and treat you well, even when you two break up.

[LilyChiba]

My mum and her ex were only married 2.5 months and he started divorce proceedings in May. They still aren't divorced, despite her now dating another guy. It takes a lot of time.

[anlgp]

you don't become patience you have to put an effort in to practicing patience. there are many opportunities each day that give us the ability to either practice patience or impatience, but the choice is up to you. it sounds zen and cliche and that could both be true, but the more you practice one the better you get at it..

[chef.rae]

Kelly, Sorry for your loss.


I think that you are pushing things to move too fast. just slow down, and take time to think everything through in as manyangles as possible. You are 19.... he's supposidly leaving his wife and getting a divorce. How old is he? Are you 100% positive that he is no longer inlove with his current wife and actually is leaving.


Do not want to bring bad news, but from what you described; to me is seems like he is starting to have second thoughts. Maybe things have turned around between him and his wife, maybe they have decided to patch things up and try again.

Children are not definate staples for a couple being together. My father was married before and has had 3 children during that marraige. Things didn't work out and he ended up divorcing their mother. Honestly, there really are no staples for having a concrete relationship. You never know what the day is going to bring or how the person is feeling. That is why communication is VERY important in any relationship.

I think that if you are starting to have second thoughts about what he is planning on doing, you need to sit down and talk with him. But you also need to slow things down. Being to pushyabout it may actually drive you away from him in the long run. (Sorry to admit it.)

[ilovemyairman]

i understand ive actually been on birthcontrol since I was 14, when i first met him and we dated back then. I switched to Nuvaring 5 months ago and apparently it didnt work. i really didnt want to get pregnant. im just scared to walk away from him and say forget it.. its hard.

---------- Post added at 09:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:31 AM ----------

he doesnt have kids. hes only been married to her for a year. he told her he never wants children with her and that hes not in love with her and that she needs to call her parents and head home because he wants to figure things out with his house.. but idk.. i dont think its ever going to happen he always has excuses.. so im giving it till my birthday, in february, if there arent seperation papers signed or if she isnt packign i mentally cant handle the stress anymore.

[ilovemyairman]

he is 24.. and i was 100% sure that he didnt love her, but i am having second thoughts and I catch him in little lies all the time.. so Im thinking I want to end it for me, but i dont know how without hurting myself. i dont mind how long the actual divorce takes, as long as i can move in. the plan was for me to be moved in by january 1st and that also fell through.. so im still here.. i know pushing him is bad, and its hurting our relationship.. im just scared to end it. ive been in love with him since we dated when i was 14, and him taking me to look at rings and excited about a baby and all made me so happy, and now its all falling through. he "cant afford a ring" and his truck is taken appart so he cant come visit me when he used to come once or twice a month.. he missed xmas with me which hurts because I think he wanted to spend it with her. he told me he didnt get her any presents but i know he did.. ive talked to him about all this and about structure and a plan and he just gets mad at me and pissy when i try to figure out if we should even stay together..

[lucybelle]

My mom and my dad were separated for years before getting a divorce. Why? Because it's expensive to get a divorce. But, eventually they had to do it and are both re-married now. So yes, this divorce could take a while. I'm not for or against it, just telling you it could be a while.

And if the only reason he was going to be with you was for a baby, then you don't need him.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I think this guy kind of sounds like a creep and you should move on.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. But what everyone else says is right - a child does not equal a successful relationship. In fact, the pressure of you and your SO being so young, 19 and 24, on top of all the pressures of being new parents, and him trying to use his finances to get divorced, I can see it actually putting strain on your relationship rather than cementing it.

From what you're saying... ahhh. I don't want to walk on eggshells, just because I think often people do it, and it's actually counter-productive. Forgive me, I'm not trying to be mean or upset you, and this is just my opinion, but... it does sound like he's placating you a bit. Spending time with his wife, at Christmas, when they don't have children, and there's supposedly nothing else tying them together.... that seems strange to me. I would expect that if their relationship was as over and final as he's been telling you, they would have spent Christmas seperately (if they did have children, of course, it may be different, but you've said they don't.). However, he's still taking you to see rings, and telling you everything is done, and it's all what you want to hear. I think you should watch his actions more than his words, because if the two don't match up... well... you know he's not telling you the truth. I think you should be wary with this guy.

I do understand your pull towards him when you've been in love with him so long. But don't let the amount of time you've spent loving him and wanting him make you overlook his bad behaviour towards you.

[Engel]

he is 24.. and i was 100% sure that he didnt love her, but i am having second thoughts and I catch him in little lies all the time.. so Im thinking I want to end it for me, but i dont know how without hurting myself. i dont mind how long the actual divorce takes, as long as i can move in. the plan was for me to be moved in by january 1st and that also fell through.. so im still here.. i know pushing him is bad, and its hurting our relationship.. im just scared to end it. ive been in love with him since we dated when i was 14, and him taking me to look at rings and excited about a baby and all made me so happy, and now its all falling through. he "cant afford a ring" and his truck is taken appart so he cant come visit me when he used to come once or twice a month.. he missed xmas with me which hurts because I think he wanted to spend it with her. he told me he didnt get her any presents but i know he did.. ive talked to him about all this and about structure and a plan and he just gets mad at me and pissy when i try to figure out if we should even stay together..

dear, i know you dont want to listen to that, but you are too young. a ring doesnt make a marriage or a relationship, a baby can evn bring more toubles to a relationship that isnt ready for that, financially and emotionally. you seem confused about the priorities. dont let yourself be lured by a married man that will most likely never leave his wife. :/

---------- Post added at 03:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:07 AM ----------

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. But what everyone else says is right - a child does not equal a successful relationship. In fact, the pressure of you and your SO being so young, 19 and 24, on top of all the pressures of being new parents, and him trying to use his finances to get divorced, I can see it actually putting strain on your relationship rather than cementing it.

From what you're saying... ahhh. I don't want to walk on eggshells, just because I think often people do it, and it's actually counter-productive. Forgive me, I'm not trying to be mean or upset you, and this is just my opinion, but... it does sound like he's placating you a bit. Spending time with his wife, at Christmas, when they don't have children, and there's supposedly nothing else tying them together.... that seems strange to me. I would expect that if their relationship was as over and final as he's been telling you, they would have spent Christmas seperately (if they did have children, of course, it may be different, but you've said they don't.). However, he's still taking you to see rings, and telling you everything is done, and it's all what you want to hear. I think you should watch his actions more than his words, because if the two don't match up... well... you know he's not telling you the truth. I think you should be wary with this guy.

I do understand your pull towards him when you've been in love with him so long. But don't let the amount of time you've spent loving him and wanting him make you overlook his bad behaviour towards you.

exactly that.

[chef.rae]

Sounds like that it is not the best thing for you to get into. It might hurt you to end it, but you need to think what you really need for yourself and decide from there. Pain always fades with time.

[Jgui]

Getting a divorce isn't as easy as it seems. There's a lot of steps and long process along the way. Do keep in mind each state has its own policy on divorces and being in the military the steps are a bit more complicated than a civilian divcore. Maybe you should google divorce policies and process in NC so you'll have a better understanding of it. California being a "no fault" state (which means the couple can file for divorce without the need of a reason), it takes 6 months for the divorce to finalize. But if there's children involve it takes longer. I think some states may require a legitment reason, ie: cheating, to file for divorce papers. Don't push it because he might feel pressured by you and may start to resent.

I am so sorry for your lose. I know how stressful and painful it is for you.