So a few facts. My SO and I are sort of secret, since in the past my parents didn't approve of me even having a crush on him, much less being exclusive like we are now. I am still legally a minor; I live with my parents and must follow their rules, or risk getting my privileges revoked which in turn means losing contact with my SO. If my parents found out I love a guy that is five years older and lives three thousand miles away, they would probably kill me. They can be very judgmental, though they do love me, and since I don't fit the stereotype of the typical Southern lady, they don't approve of things: my anxiety/panic attacks (which they refuse to acknowledge or have diagnosed), my "Internet friends", my alternative music, my poetry writing, the dark books I read, etc.
I went to prom Saturday. The boy (let's call him Andrew) that took me, since I'm not a junior yet, and it was junior-senior prom, doesn't know me that well; his best friend (let's call him Sam), whose girlfriend I am close with, set us up since poor Andrew was the only guy in their group that didn't have a date. When he asked me, I said sure, but clarified that it was just as friends. To follow that up, when he gets to my house, I tell him that I am very touchy-feely and affectionate; I don't want him to be led on, as I have led on other boys, if I hug, hold hands, etc. I don't know what I said exactly but it wasn't awkward. My SO knows full well I am a cuddle-addict, also, so please don't say that's cheating on my LDR lover. We have no problems with close friends of the opposite sex and such.
A little later, I also told him I was "sort of seeing someone, but it's kind of on the downlow, I just thought you should know." That made everything a whole lot less awkward, for me; I was genuinely not afraid of leading him on. We also talked a lot on the way to prom, which broke the ice nicely. Once we were at prom, I dragged him to the dance floor when I was bored, we hugged and such, all of that, and it was a wonderful night. I took all his little flirting as just friendly gestures with a girl there was no risk of leading on or getting attached to.
I was wrong.
Sam's little sister takes dance classes with me; she says that Andrew is "into me." My friends are, er, a bit immature, the time to shriek and flail about boys. So I'm like, "Yay! That's kind of cool that he likes me... but I don't like him like that. =/" They keep asking why and I say I just don't. I could see Andrew in that light, like I can see where we could be a good match, and I might have maybe pursued it if my SO weren't in my life. I tell my SO how I feel about this whole thing and for a second he thinks I've gotten tired of LDR and am going for this, which I am so not, so I clarify with him immediately. He says to keep a kind of casual friendship, which I basically do. Then, when I'm at dance, Andrew texts me asking if I'd be interested in going on a date. When I turn my phone on after class, I get the text and gasp, instinctively showing it to a classmate; she freaks out and steals the phone and is about to type in Yes! before I stop her. Then of course my mother finds out, who is standing there; and my father, who is in the car waiting for us.
I tell them all I want to say no, but they strongly encourage me not to. Sam's little sister tells me we "have to go out! it's perfect!"; everyone else says he's a nice, cute boy; they all want to know why why why I would ever even think twice. My parents, on the way home, interrogate me. My dad wants to know why I would say no. The boy is a gentleman, he says, and very mannerable; one of the few he'd consider letting me have as a boyfriend. My mother wants to know why, also, not taking that I don't like him like that as an answer. Then, my dad pulls the trigger: he says, "What was the name of that boy in California?" The same one I stopped talking about months ago... my lover. My mom tells him and he asks me if I still talk to him ("sometimes?"), if I still say I love him ("sometimes, what does that have to do with this?"), and then says he doesn't want me to not go out with Andrew just because of some boy in California, and asks if that is what this is all about, since I turn down a lot of the boys that ask me out (most of them are hoodlums anyway...). I ask where this is all coming from, nervous that they're going to tell me not to talk to my SO anymore, and say something like, "Look, Andrew swears, okay?" And he does, and it's a known pet peeve of mine. Still, my dad all but says I HAVE to give him a chance; my mother says you have to settle for maybe 8 of the 10 qualities you want in a man. My dad asks what I'm going to text back, and kind of "approves" when I say I'll tell him we can go on a date. It feels just like an arranged marriage.
So now this poor boy, Andrew, thinks I like him, and apparently didn't follow me when I told him I was taken. I personally didn't think I was that cryptic, anyway. Of course I told my lover all about this. He's frustrated, like I am, but he's not upset, since this isn't my fault and he loves and trusts me. He was almost angry (he had anger issues in the past and now is never angry) too when I told him my parents weren't going to let me just say no. I overreacted and started pleading with him not to leave, since I misinterpreted his sudden calmness as a sort of resignation. But all in all, my SO understands there is little I can do; the culture in the US South has been known to have arranged marriages like hundreds of years ago, I guess, and parents do still have a lot of input today...
My SO recommended that I basically either get Andrew to offend me somehow and get mad at him because of it, thus proving it won't work between us, but that would be awkward since I see him at school everyday, since even if I changed social cliques, I would still walk by where his group hangs out on a daily basis. His other idea that I like better is this. I tell Andrew I have a lot of emotional baggage, and if he doesn't take that kind of "no" as an answer, I ask if he can keep a secret. Then, I tell him all about my lover and I: in my SO's words, "how we met, how you left, how we are together despite all the circumstances, and most importantly, I love you and you love me." And I get a little mini support system out of it, someone to sympathize, and if he wants, someone to help me make my parents think I meet this standard of normality they've made for me, since I guess all the other girls have boyfriends. =/ I just feel trapped, I hate that I am being made to do this. The problem with that, though, is if he told Sam, Sam would probably tell his mother since he's a real mama's boy. And then, Sam's mom tells my mom, since they are best friends. Andrew does strike me as the type to keep a secret, but it still is a risk. >.<
Before you say that I could just tell my parents about this... I can't. They would revoke all my privileges, and if not, force me to cut contact with my SO, and then read all my texts and IMs to make sure I had. Sooo as much as I would love to just be honest with them, I can't.
I went to prom Saturday. The boy (let's call him Andrew) that took me, since I'm not a junior yet, and it was junior-senior prom, doesn't know me that well; his best friend (let's call him Sam), whose girlfriend I am close with, set us up since poor Andrew was the only guy in their group that didn't have a date. When he asked me, I said sure, but clarified that it was just as friends. To follow that up, when he gets to my house, I tell him that I am very touchy-feely and affectionate; I don't want him to be led on, as I have led on other boys, if I hug, hold hands, etc. I don't know what I said exactly but it wasn't awkward. My SO knows full well I am a cuddle-addict, also, so please don't say that's cheating on my LDR lover. We have no problems with close friends of the opposite sex and such.
A little later, I also told him I was "sort of seeing someone, but it's kind of on the downlow, I just thought you should know." That made everything a whole lot less awkward, for me; I was genuinely not afraid of leading him on. We also talked a lot on the way to prom, which broke the ice nicely. Once we were at prom, I dragged him to the dance floor when I was bored, we hugged and such, all of that, and it was a wonderful night. I took all his little flirting as just friendly gestures with a girl there was no risk of leading on or getting attached to.
I was wrong.
Sam's little sister takes dance classes with me; she says that Andrew is "into me." My friends are, er, a bit immature, the time to shriek and flail about boys. So I'm like, "Yay! That's kind of cool that he likes me... but I don't like him like that. =/" They keep asking why and I say I just don't. I could see Andrew in that light, like I can see where we could be a good match, and I might have maybe pursued it if my SO weren't in my life. I tell my SO how I feel about this whole thing and for a second he thinks I've gotten tired of LDR and am going for this, which I am so not, so I clarify with him immediately. He says to keep a kind of casual friendship, which I basically do. Then, when I'm at dance, Andrew texts me asking if I'd be interested in going on a date. When I turn my phone on after class, I get the text and gasp, instinctively showing it to a classmate; she freaks out and steals the phone and is about to type in Yes! before I stop her. Then of course my mother finds out, who is standing there; and my father, who is in the car waiting for us.
I tell them all I want to say no, but they strongly encourage me not to. Sam's little sister tells me we "have to go out! it's perfect!"; everyone else says he's a nice, cute boy; they all want to know why why why I would ever even think twice. My parents, on the way home, interrogate me. My dad wants to know why I would say no. The boy is a gentleman, he says, and very mannerable; one of the few he'd consider letting me have as a boyfriend. My mother wants to know why, also, not taking that I don't like him like that as an answer. Then, my dad pulls the trigger: he says, "What was the name of that boy in California?" The same one I stopped talking about months ago... my lover. My mom tells him and he asks me if I still talk to him ("sometimes?"), if I still say I love him ("sometimes, what does that have to do with this?"), and then says he doesn't want me to not go out with Andrew just because of some boy in California, and asks if that is what this is all about, since I turn down a lot of the boys that ask me out (most of them are hoodlums anyway...). I ask where this is all coming from, nervous that they're going to tell me not to talk to my SO anymore, and say something like, "Look, Andrew swears, okay?" And he does, and it's a known pet peeve of mine. Still, my dad all but says I HAVE to give him a chance; my mother says you have to settle for maybe 8 of the 10 qualities you want in a man. My dad asks what I'm going to text back, and kind of "approves" when I say I'll tell him we can go on a date. It feels just like an arranged marriage.
So now this poor boy, Andrew, thinks I like him, and apparently didn't follow me when I told him I was taken. I personally didn't think I was that cryptic, anyway. Of course I told my lover all about this. He's frustrated, like I am, but he's not upset, since this isn't my fault and he loves and trusts me. He was almost angry (he had anger issues in the past and now is never angry) too when I told him my parents weren't going to let me just say no. I overreacted and started pleading with him not to leave, since I misinterpreted his sudden calmness as a sort of resignation. But all in all, my SO understands there is little I can do; the culture in the US South has been known to have arranged marriages like hundreds of years ago, I guess, and parents do still have a lot of input today...
My SO recommended that I basically either get Andrew to offend me somehow and get mad at him because of it, thus proving it won't work between us, but that would be awkward since I see him at school everyday, since even if I changed social cliques, I would still walk by where his group hangs out on a daily basis. His other idea that I like better is this. I tell Andrew I have a lot of emotional baggage, and if he doesn't take that kind of "no" as an answer, I ask if he can keep a secret. Then, I tell him all about my lover and I: in my SO's words, "how we met, how you left, how we are together despite all the circumstances, and most importantly, I love you and you love me." And I get a little mini support system out of it, someone to sympathize, and if he wants, someone to help me make my parents think I meet this standard of normality they've made for me, since I guess all the other girls have boyfriends. =/ I just feel trapped, I hate that I am being made to do this. The problem with that, though, is if he told Sam, Sam would probably tell his mother since he's a real mama's boy. And then, Sam's mom tells my mom, since they are best friends. Andrew does strike me as the type to keep a secret, but it still is a risk. >.<
Before you say that I could just tell my parents about this... I can't. They would revoke all my privileges, and if not, force me to cut contact with my SO, and then read all my texts and IMs to make sure I had. Sooo as much as I would love to just be honest with them, I can't.
, I totally would not understand why you can't put your foot down on this. I'd understand if the issue was school or anything and your parents made you do something you don't want to and would be angry if you went against them, but dating? Seriously, that's totally none of your parents' business and I find it very strange that they would set you up with someone you're not interested in.
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