Attracted to Someone Else

[Kristin91]

I love my SO more than anything in the world, but it's hard being so far away from him all the time. My best friend at school is a guy, and I know I don't want a relationship with him or anything, and I definitely can't picture myself with him, but sometimes I feel really attracted to him and I want to kiss him. I will never act on these impulses, especially because of my relationship with my SO. I talked to my SO about it, and he fully understands. We've been through a similar situation on his side earlier this year, so I know he really does understand what I'm talking about. He trusts me not to do anything inappropriate with my friend, which is a relief. I just feel so guilty for feeling this way towards someone that isn't my SO... Has anyone had a similar experience?

[lucybelle]

Of course! There are plenty of attractive guys all over the world. Sometimes I see them and think "If I didn't have my SO I would totally hit on that guy!" It's not bad. I think it's perfectly healthy.

The only problem I see is him being your "best friend". After lots of personal experience, I don't believe in platonic, heterosexual, different sex, best friends (meaning both are straight and different sex). I have some guy friends, but I don't have a "best friend". And I never would. Because to me, those can lead to feelings from one side or both. Be careful around this "friend". Make sure you set yourself boundaries.

[Jezah]

You may not act on the physical impulses but DO be careful about emotional cheating. He is your BFF and I get that, but like lucybelle said, it is darn hard to walk that line with a attractive man. If he was gay, unattractive to you or something similar I think this would be fine...but being as you are physically attracted to him I see it being a slippery slope. Emotional cheating is a lot harder to prevent than physical cheating, but it is imho more damaging. Make sure you keep a very clear line in your head about what you should be sharing with him and what things you should be going to your SO with. The distance makes it so much harder, so you just need to constantly evaluate your actions with your BFF to make sure you do not land yourself in a heap of drama

[squirrelz15]

I will agree, it can be a hard line to walk. That said, it is possible to keep things platonic. At least for me it was. You know what you can handle and what you can't. My best friend was a guy, we dated other people, we were fine. We're dating each other now, so feelings obviously developed, but other relationships didn't end because of our feelings for each other. When we were with other people we were with THEM, and we were just friends, we always made sure to keep conversations light and we were basically never alone together (even now that we're together it's hard to have time just the 2 of us). I realize that it can be hard though to not let that line get fuzzy, so be careful, and if it gets to the point that you feel you may physically or emotionally cheat on your SO then you need to step back from your friendship or from your SO because it's not fair to anyone involved.

[Kristin91]

but DO be careful about emotional cheating

What do you mean by emotional cheating?

[anlgp]

What do you mean by emotional cheating?

I know I'm not jezah, and correct me if I'm wrong, please...

but to chime in I define emotional cheating as pretty much the same thing as physical cheating, but with emotions. Are you getting something emotionally you should be getting from your SO from somewhere else? = to me that's emotional cheating..

---------- Post added at 09:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:01 PM ----------

What do you mean by emotional cheating?

I know I'm not jezah, and correct me if I'm wrong, please...

but to chime in I define emotional cheating as pretty much the same thing as physical cheating, but with emotions. Are you getting something emotionally you should be getting from your SO from somewhere else? = to me that's emotional cheating..

and yes i've had a similar experience. I find it best to just say it. I don't mind my SO window shopping, but when it comes to purchasing the present..

[kiara_silver]

I don't go out much and hang around any guys so i don't have this problem, but out and about, I honestly don't look at others in that way. As far as looking at there looks. Movies and books are dif lol but in person im kinda oblivious to everyone. I do wonder if my SO ever gets attracted to his female friends. But I can't let myself think or dwell on it. For me I think it would really bug me, and maybe even hurt me if he said he had thoughts of kissing one of them. I would just feel that's a little to attracted for my comfort. Everyone is human so it's understandable, and i wouldn't get upset if he looked at a girl in general and noticed her features and thought she was pretty or good looking, but having thoughts of kissing her or being intimate, i just find that troublesome. This is just my own opinion if were my SO, i am in no way judging you. Im a bit possessive and a tad over jealous over him... So if i were in this position and my SO was attracted to one of his friends and had these thoughts every blue moon, I think i would be bothered. That's just me.

[Zapookie]

Emotional cheating would be like going to this best guy friend in your times of need instead of your SO. Telling this best guy friend things about your relationship and just things in general that you wouldn't say to him otherwise. Things that should only be conversation with your SO. (Thats what it is in my opinion anyways!)

I would be careful too. My SO was my BFF for a really long time and I knew he always had a little thing for me and it eventually did develop into more. It happens too often. It's because this person is a friend to you and they know you well already, that the comfort is there, and taking it to the next level just naturally progresses.

You just have to be aware of when this is happening and put a stop to it if it does.

[Engel]

Of course! There are plenty of attractive guys all over the world. Sometimes I see them and think "If I didn't have my SO I would totally hit on that guy!" It's not bad. I think it's perfectly healthy.

The only problem I see is him being your "best friend". After lots of personal experience, I don't believe in platonic, heterosexual, different sex, best friends (meaning both are straight and different sex). I have some guy friends, but I don't have a "best friend". And I never would. Because to me, those can lead to feelings from one side or both. Be careful around this "friend". Make sure you set yourself boundaries.

exactly. all of it!

[Jgui]

I don't agree that one can't be friends with a heterosexual male friend. I have plenty guy friends who are good friends and we're straightly friends, nothing sexual involve. However, I am not one but attracted to them in any way. My SO does get upset when I'm hanging out with them because he -like many others- believes that opposit sex can't be friends with no sexual intention from the guys end.

Since you are aware of your attractiveness to him you should keep your boundaries. Through personal experience it is hard to stay friends with a guy who one is attractive to...you might start to get emotional dependent of him.

[SDPersona]

I have trouble with the idea of emotional cheating/infidelity because that's the first time I ever heard about it. I'm especially wondering where friendship with the opposite sex stops and emotional cheating starts. Thinking about it gives me the feeling that there is a very fine line to thread and I can't help but thinking that it's more trouble than it is worth it. Maybe I just don't understand that concept. I don't know.

Anyway, if you feel very attracted to your best friend and still don't want to act on the urges you get because you already engage feelings for your SO, I'd keep away from this friend for a while and think about why I'm having these urges if I can't see myself with him. Is it because there is something lacking in my LDR that SHOULD be there? What is my friend doing when I actually get these urges? Ask yourself lots of those questions, be honest about it and go set boundaries/talk to your SO after that. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

[Jezah]

To me, emotional cheating is like the other girls said, it is when you turn to your BF instead of your SO. Its other things too, and it all comes down to you in someway, even if its small, replacing your SO with your friend. Maybe its late and you can't get a hold of your SO and you are lonely....so you call your friend and spend 3 hours talking on the phone. Or you got some bad news and it pops into your head to call your friend before it does to call your SO. It a sneaky thing and you don't realize it and the damage its doing until its usually too late.

I ask you this, what is the difference between a friend and a boyfriend if your friend is a straight man who you are attracted to? You already know you get along, you desire him and I assume he feels the same. That is why this is dangerous, because you have to two things that spark a relationship with your best friend. You get along and desire him and that is a deadly duo imho to a existing relationship