He's lost faith in me

[Slats]

We've been together for a year, we've met once and our second meeting is coming up in less than two months. Lately he's been saying he's losing interest in me, as a result of my (terrible) habit of saying/complaining lots and doing less. I've been making several gradual lifestyle changes this past year, I got out of a 5 year long depression, went back to school, had a diet-change and started dedicating myself to my biggest passions. (aside from him) He was really good support during the first time of our relationship, it was basically thanks to him that I got out of the door to go to school interviews and such. But now that I want to make further changes to my life, I really lack encouragement from him. It's not something that I need to make these changes, but it makes me really sad that he's unable to cheer me on. He just says "you haven't changed anything before so why would you now?".

I'm looking for advice on how we could work on these issues, our relationship has been on shaky grounds these past days, but I don't want to give up on something that I believe we can work through. Does anyone have similar experiences?

[Brieasaurus]

I can't say that I've had exactly the same experience but I have been accused of being a bit naggy to my SO. The best advice I can offer is to relax. If you find him doing something that will encourage you to nag him or complain, then just take a step back. Say you need a breather and take a few minutes to think things through and reinforce the idea that you're trying to work on yourself. I'm definitely sorry that he's being a pain to you. You should be making changes to yourself for you, not for him, not for anyone else. I really don't have any other advice which I apologize for but I really do hope that your visit makes things better and that your whole relationship sorts itself out.

[13000km]

I don't have any advice, but I do have a similar experience I'd like to share with you.

He's been so motivating, that I ended up relying a little bit too much on him to give me that push that he eventually tired of it. He didn't want to help me if I didn't help myself. He wasn't going to encourage me to exercise when all I did was sit on the couch, eat chips and call myself fat. He wasn't going to spend time studying and doing homework with me if I was going to watch TV all day long and complain about my poor grades. He ended up feeling used, like I would talk myself down just so that he had to spend time and effort thinking of something encouraging to say to me. And if he didn't, I'd get upset. I eventually realised that he had his off days too. He's human and does have feelings of failure, rejection and defeat. I had to stop taking from him and start being the girlfriend he needs me to be when he's having a hard time. He LOVES being my rock, but wants to see me grow and make changes to improve myself instead of heavily leaning on him for emotional support.

This may not be much, but I hope it helps.

[Alemap]

What 13000 said; no-one wants to feel like a nagger, or like another adult's caretaker/parental figure. Let him know you're taking responsibility for your own motivation, but that you'd appreciate having his support as well.
And then take measurable action, to show him you're serious.

[squirrelz15]

Yeah, I'm not really sure what to tell you. I'm a bit of a pessimistic person myself, and I don't always try to be, sometimes I try to be optimistic, but it takes effort, because I'm not naturally that way. Whenever I feel like nagging or whining to my bf about something he's doing though I always just take a step back and say nothing. I ask myself if it's something that's going to matter to me in 5 minutes much less a week. If not, I let it go. The plus side of having a long distance relationship is that you have the time to think through your responses a lot of the time. Also, when you are changing something about yourself you need to be doing it for you not for him. If there is something you want to change about yourself, I tend to plan a reward of some sort for myself. So... if I want to eat healthier overall, if eat healthier for a week I will reward myself with a candy bar at the end of it or something (helps with the motivation some lol). Hope things get better for you guys. Also, tell him what you need (in a non nagging way). If him supporting and encouraging you helps you to reach your goals tell him that.

[Malaga]

It sounds like he's having a hard time coping with all the changes you've made in your lifestyle lately. Maybe he doesn't feel as needed now as he did before, now that you're recovering well and focusing on your other interests. That doesn't have to mean you're actually neglecting him, just that he might feel that way after the way it was in the beginning of your relationship, when, from what I gathered, you depended on him a lot more. He may feel like he's less important to you now, or not good enough for you anymore. Maybe he doesn't see where he'd fit in your life after you make further changes that you plan to do.

[xbriellex]

Whenever I ask my SO if there is something that he doesn't like about me because I wanna change it to make the relationship better if I need to. He tells me that he loves me the way I am, and if there is something that I want to do, he'll just support me and whatever I want to do.

I got myself a 1 year internship, so it means that we have less chances of meeting within that 1 year. He told me that he really didn't like that idea because it means we might not see each other for a year. But really, he's happy that I got into it, and tells me that he'll just visit me.

[Slats]

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and advice. We've talked things through and he feels a lot better about the situation now, as do I. Some insecurities in our relationship built into this kind of climax, as we've felt we could just move along not properly dealing with the problems we've had in the past and current. He used to feel I was very easily hurt in the past, and tried to keep feelings and opinions to himself as he didn't want to hurt me. We've had lots of talks about it and I've tried to make it easier for him to be completely honest, but I found it really hard dealing with the "you can't do it"-comments. It kind of crosses a line. Those kind of comments really stem from his insecurities, frustrations (with me and others) and difficult situations he's been dealing with recently, and I can't always look to him and expect infinite support, reliance and encouragement right now. That was hard for me to accept. I also feel like I'm making lots of progress on my procrastination habits and passiveness, and everything just feels really good and fluid. I learned several things from you sharing your experiences and advice that I've written down, they feel important to keep in mind to avoid this clash again. Looking towards brighter days!