LDR Love, together for a few weeks-sad-help?

[MAB15]

Hey everyone,

So my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 8 months now, but we've been together for 20 months. I seen him at Christmas time and now he is here to visit me for a few weeks. I have been so excited and I couldn't wait. I have been looking forward to this moment for so long. Now, I have been feeling really sad and confused and do not know how to work this out. We had a first few amazing days together, now I find myself getting annoyed easily about little things he does and it really affects my perspective of him. We are having a great time together for the most part.. We both get easily frustrated with each other now (and we did before he got here but we have been trying to really work through it) the frustration usually results in us not talking for a bit and then realizing we love each other and work through it and feel better.Sometimes when I get annoyed with him or frustrated, I get turned off and don't want to 'do' anything...which is frustrating for me because we haven't seen each other in 4 months so we should want to ALL the time! (I feel like after being in a LDR for a while you should be that way or something) I love him so much, and I am really scared something is wrong with us. I do not want to end it, I want to work through this silly stuff. Are we reacting normal in a LDR? This is so new to us we are still learning of course (we always are) but I just keep worrying that there might be something 'wrong'. When we get into little arguments before bed, he is so tired that he just wants to go to bed and talk about it in the morning (which can be a good thing and I understand) but I take that a little like 'he doesn't care' kind of thing(lame I know) I know he does care SO much though because he travelled 2 1/2 days on the greyhound just to come see me! The time difference probably doesn't help (he lost 2 hours of sleep by being here), this I know...but it is so frustrating because I really want to work through things. I keep crying about 'us' a lot because I am scared of us being more of 'just friends' than lovers, but he's my dream lover and I only ever want to be with him. We keep trying to practice patience with each other and ourselves but it does get hard at times. I love him more than anything and we are perfect for each other, I just don't know what's going on. It also doesn't help that he has a hard time articulating his thoughts into words. Any opinions or viewpoints or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you so much for reading!

-MAB

[Zephii]

Personally I think it's perfectly normal, albeit destructive to your relationship. I'm going through a similar thing with Obi at the moment.

The way I see it is that LDR takes so much freaking effort, and in the end sacrifice, and there are often so many complications that we begin to expect a lot more of our LDR lovers than we might in a CDR. We want things to be right and perfect, we feel like we don't have time to waste in figuring everything out, we set much higher standards... (this is true for my experience anyway, other people's mileage might differ.)

For the frusterations, first up I will say that love is not all you need in a relationship. People can be completely and totally in love and still be incompatable. I'm not saying this is true for your situation, I'm just pointing it out because some people don't realise it.
The best advice I was ever given was "Pick your battles". You can't have everything you want, you can't irradicate all his annoying habits - just choose the big issues that will affect your life and the things you absolutly can't stand and work on those. Let everything else go. Don't waste time and effort on the small things.
Sometimes annoying habits are the result of something. For example, I hate it when Obi makes up random songs that make no sense and are often repetitive. Like it really dives me crazy to the point where I'd like to stab him just to shut him up - and he knows it. But I've figured out 99% he'll only do it if he's bored, so I try to keep that boredom at bay. I know if he starts singing I should probably stop what I'm doing and give him some attention. Which makes everyone happy.
So, find out why he does the things that piss you off. Are they cultural? Are they hurtful? Is he trying to express an emotion he can't say?
And in turn, find out what things you are doing that annoy him.
It's a hard conversation to have without fighting, but just reign in your tempers, remember that you are both human and this is for the relationship and you'll get through it.

And for intimacy... there is no rule that says you must do it all the time simply because you finally have the opportunity - especially if later down the track one of you finds that your normal frequency is too low. It's better to just be normal with each other - go with what feels right. Sometimes after a couple of rounds the edge from being LDR is taken off and it's normal to settle down a little.
However - I'm a big advocate of make-up sex Try it, you might like it haha.
But seriously, (I'm guessing from your post that you're a woman. If you're gay men this advice probably will not apply. I don't know.) being a woman makes these things a bit easier, imo anyway. You don't actually have to be interested at the outset to be intimate with someone. Which is why unless it will cause me physical pain or I have a reason that I can't be intimate, I will not turn Obi down. I know that every time I'm rejected a little bit more of my self confidance dies. - I don't want him feeling like that too. And the female body is a wonderful thing. If you just relax and let him come to you, your body will probably catch on and take over, and then you will be genuinely interested. Just tell him that you need a little extra care to get warmed up. The hormones released during sex often heal some of the hurt we're experienceing too.

I hope some of this ramble is useful. Hang in there! and enjoy the time you have together.

[folclor]

^^;; this sounds just like y'all need to give each other a little bit of space. I know Alex and I go the rounds of arguments sometimes. Mainly that he'll get distant or spend a lot of time doing other things and he just doesn't think it's a big deal, I bring it up, he counters, we argue, the next day we're fine. This is obviously not the same as what you're going through, however one thing I can say from this is that LDRs are...more frustrating if you can't look at things from the other person's perspective.

He does things that annoy you to no end, you probably do the same, so before you get frustrated and start an argument over it, think about things from his perspective for a moment, it might calm you down. Also, if you can present your feelings to him in a way that won't make him defensive (i.e. "I know you're not meaning to make me frustrated/upset, but [insert habit here] bothers me. Sorry if I'm being too picky, but maybe we could do something else right now?"). You snapping at him or him snapping at you only makes the other defensive and breeds arguments that you then get even more upset about and me you wonder if something's wrong. Probably nothing's wrong, y'all are just both frustrated with something either in the relationship (likely the distance) or just things at both ends that are stressing you out at the moment. Just take a step back, cool off, don't worry about what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing/thinking, and have fun. ^^

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

hmm The above advice sounds nice. I don't really experience this. We usually only get a week together, so it's still so new and exciting the whole time we are together. I agree with the "pick your battles" Idk....I like how Zephii explained it and we start to expect a lot out of the SO.

lol the last time I went....I was kind of annoyed bc they kept keeping him late at work and he had classes, I only had a few days there to begin with and so it just annoyed me that I wasn't getting as much time as I could. Then I cooked for him, changed it from the way my mom cooked it bc that's not how his mom cooks it.....well it came out like crap! And it really just upset me that I tried to make it like he wanted even when I told him it didn't work, but I was trying to please him....He got home and I like started almost crying that I was only trying to make it like he wanted and it didn't work and I just wanted to spend time with him and cook for him......I have to give him a lot of credit. He had the most confused look on his face (guess he didn't understand the freakout) and he told me it was fine we could eat leftovers or sandwiches and he hugged me and helped me clean the kitchen.

As for being intimate. Well I find it extremely difficult to control myself around him. I'm very affectionate and really like being intimate so him being so far away really drives me nuts. So when we are together....well I think he more often tells ME, "No baby I have to go back to work in like 5 minutes!" ahaha I just can't help myself.....oh especially when he comes home in the ACU's (army uniform) I just can't help it!

[ValadinShadow]

Nothing is wrong with you. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I get frustrated with my SO when we get together because all of a sudden those little things that grate on my nerves are back and because I haven't been with him in months the thick skin that they normally bounce off of has thinned. As for intimacy, I don't think it is all that abnormal to not want to "do it" all the time. In my opinion, that simply means that sex is not the focus of your relationship. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice bonus, and I don't object to it. At all. But if we just don't feel in the mood, or if we've argued and all I want to do is throw heavy things at his head, I don't stress too badly about it. Granted, I have been with my SO for almost 4 years now, and if the first 2 had been LD, things might have been different. But I think we have settled down a little bit, and things aren't quite so urgent.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that you are perfectly normal (at least in my opinion) and you shouldn't be worried. Just work it out and go with the flow, and things should be fine. Good luck!!!

[Semperfikindoflove]

I know that it's difficult but not unusual. I know from experience that it could just because once you get over the initial shock of them being there you start to worry about them leaving. In doing so you start to get angry and notice the little stuff. My ex who is a Marine who was visiting me for pre-deployment leave had a hard time with this when he was here for four days. We were getting close but then little things started to annoy both of us because we were spending so much time together. My advice is to relax and take it easy, wait for him to bring it up and talk about it because that is the best thing for you to do right now. Sometimes you need to give him time to formulate what he's going to say. Guys are different then ladies because of this. Women tend to say things quicker with less thought but more words where guys think about what they say and they say it in less words. Remind him that you love him and you want it to work, try to fix it but don't look for the immediate fix and try not to ignore it until he leaves because nothing will get resolved that way.

If you need anything else please feel free to message me.

[Mio]

Hope you feel better soon!!

[MAB15]

Thanks so much everyone! All is well, I realized that what I am going through is completely normal and it was just another 'adjusting' period. I am definitely use to those by now! haha Thanks again so much everyone for your replies. I appreciate it sooo much and everything everyone said helped us greatly! I am so thankful for this website.

-Moni

[deseonadie]

I almost cried at your post. I think that what you're going through isn't inherent to long-distance relationships, but just long-term relationships. Stages occur. I'm terrified of the exact same thing - being friends, instead of lovers. At some point, the "love hormones" (endorphins, dopamine, etc.) that create that amazing excited, intense love feeling (that's really just infatuation) dies down and you're left with whatever relationship you created during that period. It can die down in a matter of months, or years. The average is 2 years (for a friend, it was 7 years). It's not like the feeling that you love that person goes away, but you see them in a more truthful light. They can do annoying things now, arguments occur (but I personally think they are useful - working through them makes you stronger). This is also, in my opinion, what turns lovers into partners. My boyfriend and I had an amazing first few months of our relationship, then when I moved, many many rocky periods, and now we're so happy to have each other as a partner to go through life with. Part of me struggles with this, I want the life-partner and the intense infatuation; I'm sad to be giving up one, but what I get in return is amazing.
I think intimacy probably dies down too, but I think the intimacy aspect is inherent to long-distance relationships. For me personally, this is a big big issue - I feel like it should be happening allll the time because we are apart for the majority of the year, but it doesn't. Honestly, it's something that worries me too, so I can only offer you support that it doesn't mean it's the end of the relationship; true physical intimacy is so difficult with long distance relationships, and as females, a lot of it is in our heads. Sex is a really important part of a relationship (all those wonderful "I love you!" hormones are released, like oxytocin in females and vasopressin in males), but it obviously isn't the relationship.

[MAB15]

Thanks for your reply deseonadie! Are you still with your partner? "I'm sad to be giving up one, but what I get in return is amazing" Why did you have to give one of them up?

[deseonadie]

I just meant that I'm sad to be giving up the exciting infatuation - the lust, the buttterflies, the surge of emotions - that comes with a new relationship. But replacing that is security, love, and respect. We fantasize about finally closing the distance, but have no idea when that will be. And that's okay with us. That's a testament to our commitment, which wouldn't be possible without the maturation of our relationship.