Depressed boyfriend... don't know what to do

[takaia]

One of the biggest problems with my relationship with my boyfriend is that we both have clinical depression. What's worse, though, is that we have completely opposite ways of dealing with the depression when it gets especially bad. When I'm feeling particularly depressed, I come running to my boy to talk about my life and what's making me feel so sad. If he's in a good mood, he can cheer me up in no time, and I love having him there to vent my feelings to. However, when he's feeling sad, he first completely ignores me for a few days, and when he finally agrees to talk, he refuses to talk to me about what's going on. He just says he doesn't want to talk about it, and that's it, end of conversation.

This frustrates me to no end. One, because when we go for days or weeks without any communication, I begin to slip into a deeper depression, and my best way to get back out is not an option. I also want to know what's going on in his life, and I can hardly stand that he won't talk to me about it. I feel like this is causing us to grow apart, because he won't talk to me. I don't think he trusts me like I trust him, either. He's admitted that he can't trust himself, but I'm not sure what that means...

In addition to all of this, he will forget to stay in contact with me. He claims that he thinks about me all the time, but has trouble thinking for me. He forgets to get me presents for our anniversary, and I don't remember him ever doing much of anything special for me "just because", even though I do things like that for him all the time. I tell him that it bothers me that he forgets to at least e-mail me on a daily basis, especially because he promised to do that, and he feels awful every time I tell him something that he is doing bothers me, but I don't think he makes any effort to change his behavior on my behalf. So I'm here, giving, giving, giving, while he won't even talk to me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this boy, but he's causing me so much heartache.

[Zephii]

Welcome to LFAD

One of the biggest symptoms of depression is the feeling of not wanting to do things that usually bring you pleasure. It creates disinterest, a lack of motivation. He might really want to do all those things for you but just can't break past depression's barrier to just do it.
On the other hand he might just be lazy, and taking you for granted. It's hard to tell as a third person who's never met him.

Communication is all you have in an LDR, so it needs to be good. And he needs to understand that.

I don't have much advice... perhaps you can find a new avenue through which to communicate that is easier for him?

[takaia]

Thanks for your response! You're right about depression making you not want to do things... I'd kinda forgotten about that. Thanks for reminding me, it helps a little to understand him.

Even if he is lazy, and he is taking me for granted, he probably doesn't realize it, and I still believe that he loves me.

Do you happen to have any suggestions of some new, easier ways to communicate? I can't think of anything else that we aren't already trying.

[Zephii]

Well, I don't know what you're already trying.
But, I know with Obi, he doesn't like txting - that's a lot of effort. He'd be more likely to respond to a phone call or msn. Writing and sometimes even bothering to read written letters is also an effort to him, where I find it pleasurable.
And with me, I am lazy when it comes to email, email is a lot of effort imo but I'm likely to respond to fb messages, msn, txt or hand written communication.

It comes down to what he enjoys and what he doesn't I guess.

I remember we also had question books at one stage. There's several types on the market, but if you google "How to love me" you'll see what I mean. If he likes quizzes and surveys, this might be the way to get a little deeper.

[Moon]

One of the biggest differences between Men and Women is that while women like to talk about their feelings, and it makes us feel better, men usually don't. If you push him to talk about it when he's depressed, there's a good chance you're pushing him away. Remember that just because talking about how you're feeling helps you, it doesn't sound like it helps him. I think you'd do him a world of good if, when he's depressed, keep the conversation away from talking about it, unless he wants to. Instead talk about light, fun, chatty things, make him laugh. Give him the chance to feel safe with you when he's down, knowing that you'll be a bright light in an otherwise dark day, rather than making him bring up stuff he's clearly not comfortable with. He's not forgetting to talk to you, I think he's avoiding you, because he'd simply rather not talk about the dark stuff. Let it go, if he needs to come to you he will, but stop forcing him. He can't help being this way, he's hard-wired to it.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Well neither one of us are clinically depressed. But we react the same way you and your SO do to stress etc. When I'm stressed or missing him a lot I want to talk to him about everything, hear his voice, and just talk. He, on the other hand, would pretty much rather do anything else.....his fave thing is to play his games. Which annoyed me to no end at first. But I've come to realize it's just how we deal with it. I want to talk about it, get it off my chest, hear his voice, see him....it all makes me feel better and get over it faster. For him all that contact just makes him miss me more....he'd rather just play his game or watch TV and zone out. I've had to learn to just give him his space and he'll eventually go around. It was not an easy thing to do and is still not easy for me.

When I am upset with something though I usually email him. Its easier for me to write him than talk to him about it because I get really emotional.

[Insanity]

I can completely relate to you, both me and my guy suffer from depression and we deal with it the same way you guys are. It has taken me awhile to realise it's best just to give him space when he is depressed. I know he appreciates it and if I was to push him to talk to me about things I know it'll only be pushing him away. It's not easy but sometimes you have to make decisions which are right for the relationship.

I still struggle with it at time, sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter what I say. The way I try to deal with it is focus on myself, trying to help myself. I know that my depression is my own problem and I need to learn to help myself.

[Mio]

I would say about the just because gifts... I think most boys forget, lol. I hope you both can learn to cope with this differences you have.