Need some insight on our failing relationship

[OLT]

...

[Kairi19]

This guy sounds like he has a good heart and it's clear you love him a lot, but his lifestyle is definitely affecting your relationship. Making time for one another is important in a normal relationship, but in an LDR it is even more so. I think the best thing to do is to arrange a time when you can both talk freely, then tell him how you feel and that he needs to make some time for you. Try not to be accusing or complain too much as this could put him off. Hopefully he will understand and make the effort to change. Just don't let him hurt you or make you miserable, nothing is worth that. Good luck

[squirrelz15]

Alright, I have two different opinions on this, and only you know the whole story. From what I read though, it sounds like you guys want to different things in life, you want to settle down, he doesn't (or just isn't ready to grow up, and he may never be). That is only something that you know if you can live with or not. Just because he says he wants that, may not be 100% true, he maybe wants it for the sake of wanting to be with you, but in the end, it will likely just make you both miserable unless you guys can come to some kind of compromise.

Now, if it's just communication that's the issue, then ask him to set up a "date night" of sorts with you so that you guys can spend time together and talk about whatever needs to be talked about.

In the end though, if you are seeing red flags, trust your instincts.

[Zapookie]

Hello OLT, welcome to LFAD!

I read your post and there is one thing that is clear to me - he isn't taking you seriously right now.

I was kinda sorta in another LDR before my current relationship. We had never met. He was very into partying and drinking heavily, amongst other things. In the beginning we used to talk every day - skype, facebook, emails etc. Then it kind of dwindled into nothing. He said how much he wanted to meet me and that he cared about me, he even told me he loved me (although he was drunk). But I never believed any of it. Why? Because everything he did was the opposite of what he said. He would spend money on luxury items instead of saving it for a plane ticket. He would drink in excess and party all the time and I knew in my gut that he was sleeping around. I didn't want to believe it all, though, because he said he loved me, right?

When I look back on it, I realise that he never did take me seriously. I was just something to occupy his time whilst he wasn't partying or getting down. I realise that he never truly respected me or cared, because if he did, he would never have done all of that. He ended up getting a girlfriend who lived close to him. He told me a month later, and that was the end of that.

And then along came my knight in shining armour. The difference in the two is unbelievable, it's like night and day. This is someone who respects me, makes time for me, and appreciates everything I do. Someone who not only says they care but shows it, too. Someone who is willing to sacrifice and compromise so that we are BOTH happy. He's loving, selfless and just an all round amazing person. He never lies to me, or cheats, or any of that. He respects me. He is serious about me.

I feel that you need to ask yourself some personal questions. Is this man really someone you feel is worth fighting for? If he is yet to grow up, maybe it is time to cut your losses and move on? You can spend all your time wishing he would mature and change his ways, but until he does, you'll be up for a hell of a battle. You need someone who is compatible with you. Someone who wants the same things you do, a person who will respect you and your values. A person who backs their words up with action.

Right now, from what you've stated, you two seem to be at different stages in your life. If you really feel he is worth it though, you need to have a serious talk (possibly over the phone as you said his computer is out of action). You need to communicate as communication is the ultimate key to making ANY relationship work, not just LDR's. This needs to seriously be discussed, and if he doesn't take the time out of his day to listen to what you have to say, or if he passes you off as nagging him, you know what you need to do.

oh and EDIT: It is NOT you who is defective. Please never feel that way about yourself. I went around feeling worthless and never feeling like I was enough for a very long time. But that is SOOOO far from the truth. It is your SO who needs the wake-up call, and he needs to realise what an amazing person he is going to lose if he doesn't change soon!

[floridaellen]

Zapookie basically said everything I wanted to. He isn't making time for you, which is the most important part of an LDR. Your SO should want to spend time with you.

[Kristin91]

It sounds to me like he's keeping you around to make him feel good and to make him feel loved/wanted. If he won't communicate with you, even after you explicitly try to get him to, then imho it makes more sense to break up with him. You deserve someone that will devote attention to you, and shower you with love. It doesn't sound like your SO is doing that AT ALL! LDR's are all about communication because that's the only lifeline to your relationship, and if he is continuously breaking that line then I guess you need to decide if your love for him is worth everything that he's putting you through. Good luck and welcome to LFAD

[aaron stone]

If he doesn't change I'd say cut your losses. Those examples you gave show that he doesn't take you on seriously. What is more troubling is that you said there are other problems you didn't want to mention. LDR wth poor communication cannot last, he prefers to keep xbox/tv than to fix his pc so that he can talk to you....... :S

[digitalfever]

I just want to say that it’s very obvious that you love this man so I do wish you the best. Also that his behaviour is NOT a reflection of you; never let anyone no matter how much you care or love make you believe something is wrong with you. His actions are his own and he is the only one who can control them and take responsibility for them.


The first thing I notice is differing wants/needs. What you want in a relationship also fills your emotional, mental and physical needs. Your goals and what you desire differ quite different from his. That isn’t to say that people with different wants/needs can’t come together and have mutual goals but it is harder and requires a lot of open communication.

I’d say that you need to have a conversation with him. Once you’ve had that conversation and he’s said what he’s needed to say; really listen to his actions rather than his words. If you tell him you want to settle down and have a family let him prove that he is working towards the same goal. Give him the opportunity to prove his genuine interest in you as a partner.

If he's not making time for you and not making you feel as thought you are both invested in a future then it's time to find someone who will. <3

[Yaaamiii]

On top of all the advice that everyone has given you already, I've always believed that actions speak louder than words.

[Frankenbat]

I agree with everyone else. Try to arrange a serious talk with him, though in a non-accusatory manner and express these concerns to him. I would always make time for my SO and even when I was super swamped, I took the time to write her something or shoot her a text or write on her fb wall or something. Instead of playing so much x-box, he should want to talk to you more

[Zephii]

I didn't read the replies, I'm sorry if I missed something.. but..

I really feel like it's time to move on. He's not as invested in this as you are, and might never be. He sounds very young, but why should you wait years for him to mature to your level? Besides that some of his other behaviour is a bit suspicious (the guilty concious thing mostly).
You've been together long enough to expect a lot more than you're getting.

Take care, it's great to see you posting, and Carrots xx

[greensweatergirl]

I don't know your boyfriend, but he sounds so similar to an ex of mine I had to comment. My ex wasn't a bad person, but he put me at the bottom of his list and I was always playing second fiddle to his friends, even after years of being together. Anything I asked for was acknowledged, agreed to, then completely ignored. It sounds like you're going through similar things. From what you've written, it seems you're the last thing he considers, and it makes me sad to hear that you're so low on his priority list after so long together. It sounds like you've spoken to him and he's not getting the message. What you're asking for is very reasonable, and I think you have every right to have the things you're asking for. It really worries me that he can't do what sound like very basic things, because if you ever want to close the distance (I assume you do), you can't really rely on him. I don't know him of course, but from what you've written it doesn't sound like he's the sort of person to put in the effort or moving or someone who could be the rock you'd need him to be if you moved.

So. Is he aware that you consider your relationship to be failing? I would definitely let him know how you feel,and how serious you feel the situation is. I'd use the word failing. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum or anything (change or we're through!), but if you say everything you've said here and let him know how serious the situation is for you, you've put the ball in his court. Watch what he does and ignores what he says. If he makes changes, great! If not, I really think you should think about whether you want to continue being with this person. You may love him, want to be with him, but you need to have your partner be someone you can rely on. You can't be the only one trying to make things better. As someone who spent 5 years with someone who didn't really care very much, I strongly, strongly, urge you to not continue seeing someone who can't get around to sending you a letter. You deserve so much more than that and you shouldn't feel like you're pulling teeth constantly.

Also, if he's someone who is very different from yourself (not necessarily a bad thing), you need to consider how far you can stretch to accommodate different lifestyles. I don't know how old he is, but if he's out of school and he's still a raging party animal and shows no signs of slowing down, I'd consider whether this is a person you could live with (if that's your eventual goal). It sounds like you care for this person. Unfortunately, I think there need to be a lot of compromises with people who want very different things, and unless you're willing to make some and unless you seem him making some compromises, it's going to worry me. If he can't go out a little less to see you at this point in a relationship, that strikes me as a giant, red flag. As a couple you're a team, and he needs to be a team member.

One last thing. I don't know you so I can't speak for you, but I would also consider why you posted this at this point in your relationship. I started posting similar things to what you wrote on various forums around the time I'd pretty much given up on my ex. He wasn't listening, so I had to tell someone who would listen and validate my feelings and agree with me that his behaviour was poor. It was a way of trying to have someone say "it's ok to end this, the situation is not acceptable". Again, I don't know if this is you, but if it is I thought it might be helpful to recognize.

Big hugs. I can't make any decisions for you, but I think we all deserve someone who will be there for us. Please don't allow things to continue how they are if you're unhappy. *Hugs again*

[efish1042]

If he truly loves you, then you should be #1 on his priorities (or #2 if it's really important -I'm #2 to education, but that's agreed upon by both of us). There is NOTHING wrong with you. Nothing defective or undesirable or anything. He just doesn't appreciate you like he should. Not to say he never won't, but now he isn't stepping up to his end of the relationship. Distance means communication and relationships in general require compromise. He sounds selfish and unyielding from what you said.
I would have a serious talk with him. We can't tell you what you should do or what is best. It's never that black and white and in the end it is YOU that has to make the decision... but somethin's gotta give. I would say if you aren't satisfied and he isn't willing to change, it might be time to cut your losses. If things go on like this, it will only make you both miserable in the end.

[OLT]

I’m sorry it has taken a while to get back here. I’m amazed at what good advice and input is given on this site. I didn’t expect such good responses and I want to thank everyone for their advice based on the information I’ve given. Like someone had mentioned in response, you have to question why you are posting here to begin with about these problems. Maybe I am seeking some sort of validation. I have to admit that I’ve also been difficult in this too, as I’ve been dealing with a lot of problems that have put me in a depression, which in turn has made the relationship suffer too. On the same note, a lot of my depression stems from our unstable relationship. It also bothers me that I don’t get much comfort from him when I do try to open up to him about my problems. It bothers me that I listen to his and offer some sort of consistency of advice or comfort, yet I don’t get the same in return. We went through a period where we really bonded and cared for one another and I guess I am clinging onto that and missing it. I know relationships in a physical realm can be difficult, but I never realized how hard it is to maintain a long distance relationship. I feel as though I’ve lost the goodness we had.

[Engel]

didnt read the other replies, but here is my opinion on that:

1. After our meeting in person he grew very distant and started acting strange. He has always been someone to daily pleasure himself to porn, but during this time he got heavily involved and our communication dwindled significantly and he essentially started ignoring me. At this time, I believe he was doing webcam porn with other females, but he had never admitted it. He also freaked out about a message he received on his computer about being investigated for improper activity (it was one of those virus message posts/jokes) and he started becoming concerned about getting in trouble for something, but he wouldn’t communicate what. This raised a red flag for me. He also stated that he grew distant after our meeting because he was in so much pain once we separated and wasn’t acting like himself.

you have no problem with thoughts he was masturbating to other females, and maybe even underaged ones, for him to be so freaked with that message?

also, how many times did you see each other in person? just that one time?


i know facebook is stupid, but do you have each other there? are you "in a relationship" with eah other there? it can be stupid, but it also gives you a view into the ther persons life you wouldnt have without it, in a LDR. so if he isnt being fishy and hiding you from people and girls, i would be at least more relieved and more willingly to believe his "was so hard to be appart from you that I distanced myself even more by ignoring you" line.