Is Closing the Distance A Commitment to Your SO for Marriage?

[Sierra]

Alright, I want other people's perspective who are in LDRs on this one. Lately, people in my life who feel very paternally towards me have been feeling the need to give me advice regarding closing the distance with my boyfriend. I understand, but they are acting like I'm marrying him. I'm not.

I won't deny that my boyfriend and I are working towards, talk about, and believe that we will get married, but that's not why I'm closing the distance. I'm closing the distance because we want to work on our relationship in person, we need to have that time together, and to go back to school.

When I try to tell people 'well if we break up I'll still be in school and going back to school is what I'm the most excited about' they look at me like I'm insane.

I'd happily take all this advice if I had a ring on my finger, but all this talk about marrying my boyfriend .... makes me feel pigeon holed into well -- marrying him. Like I said, that IS what I want, (I'm having a hard time articulating how I feel about this) but I feel like they are acting that by moving to Texas I have no choice but to marry this man.

I don't get it, people have lived with boyfriends before without marrying them, including people in my family and the very same people who are lecturing me!

I don't feel like because we're moving in together that we're magically engaged without having talked about nor do I feel that by me moving there I'm making a commitment to marry my boyfriend. Anyone else dealt/dealing with this or have any thoughts? I know it's a bunch of rambling but I had to get it out because it's freaking me out. lol

[lucybelle]

Hmm I don't think I fully understand your question. Are you asking if people assume or expect that a couple must get married because they are closing the distance?

[squirrelz15]

I can't say that I have any experience, but I think Iget what you're saying, and no, just because you go to live with him doesn't mean you have to marry him. I think people assume since you are moving to where he is that is your plan. But I understand that you just want to have that time to work on your relationship in person and focus on school, and if marriage results great, if not you will still have your schooling which is enough reason to move all on it's own.

[snow_girl]

I didn't move to a different country to be with my SO on the pretense of getting married. It was an opportunity to see a new place and be with him whom I am happy with at the moment. If it lead to marriage then it does, if not that is not why I moved to be with him.

[Sierra]

Hmm I don't think I fully understand your question. Are you asking if people assume or expect that a couple must get married because they are closing the distance?

It's because my mind is going a million miles a minute about it so I'm all jumbled in my head.
Applying to you, when you closed the distance did people assume it was for marriage or assume that you WERE going to get married?

I don't know that if it's that everyone I'm talking to thinks I HAVE to marry my boyfriend because I'm doing this, but they sure are acting like it. Or they are acting like we're secretly engaged and not telling anyone because I made this decision.

I didn't move to a different country to be with my SO on the pretense of getting married. It was an opportunity to see a new place and be with him whom I am happy with at the moment. If it lead to marriage then it does, if not that is not why I moved to be with him.

This. I'm excited to experience a new place and go back to school. There's no guarantee it'll work out or we'll get married but no matter what the opportunities are so great why would I want to turn it away? It's not about marriage, it's about a better future?



I don't understand why everyone is so focused on getting married now days. I get that I'm 27 so maybe it's the 'age appropriate' thing to do but I'm not rushing into anything until I know it's right.

[ushiwakafox]

I think it just depends. When I closed the distance with my SO, it wasn't just because I wanted to be closer to him. That was also my home, and I wanted to go to college there. Plus we had began our relationship in person. So it just seemed to make sense.
I think every LD relationship intends to close the distance eventually. In my opinion, closing the distance is a way of showing commitment, and almost like taking a step up in your relationship, because you're showing to your SO and everyone that you two are serious about each other, and do intend to spend the rest of your lives together.
Marriage isn't an immediate thought, you have made that clear. And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think getting to know each other CD first is a smart idea. I guess people just assume that you are closing the distance because you want to get married. Just do what you feel is best for you and your SO. They'll get it eventually

[lucybelle]

It's because my mind is going a million miles a minute about it so I'm all jumbled in my head.
Applying to you, when you closed the distance did people assume it was for marriage or assume that you WERE going to get married?

I don't know that if it's that everyone I'm talking to thinks I HAVE to marry my boyfriend because I'm doing this, but they sure are acting like it. Or they are acting like we're secretly engaged and not telling anyone because I made this decision.

Well first of all, I'm pretty private about my relationship (except for here of course!) so I don't talk to a lot of people about what's going on. Secondly, my family doesn't want me to get married anytime soon. It's not that they wouldn't support me, they're always up for a party, it's more that they see the importance of waiting. My mom thinks that living together is a "trial marriage" but still tells me I shouldn't get married until I'm at least 30. When some of my close girl friends found out I was moving they all say "oh when's the wedding??" but that's what girl friends are supposed to do. So I guess, no, people don't expect us to get married. But I also think that has to do with the dynamic of my family.

I didn't move here to marry him. If I had never met him, I still would have wanted to move abroad. I moved here to have more life experiences, and it sure has been a great choice.

[Sierra]

I think it just depends. When I closed the distance with my SO, it wasn't just because I wanted to be closer to him. That was also my home, and I wanted to go to college there. Plus we had began our relationship in person. So it just seemed to make sense.
I think every LD relationship intends to close the distance eventually. In my opinion, closing the distance is a way of showing commitment, and almost like taking a step up in your relationship, because you're showing to your SO and everyone that you two are serious about each other, and do intend to spend the rest of your lives together.
Marriage isn't an immediate thought, you have made that clear. And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think getting to know each other CD first is a smart idea. I guess people just assume that you are closing the distance because you want to get married. Just do what you feel is best for you and your SO. They'll get it eventually

I think it's essential that we spend extended amounts of time together to see how strong our relationship is and if we CAN move on to marriage. I couldn't imagine being married, or engaged and having not taken this step. But I feel like now there's this pressure on me to get married, it's like people wake up! I'm going to finish my bachelor's degree and then go on to law school. We're talking about 5 years of school, lets stop talking about me getting married and pooping out some babies. I'm not there yet.

Like I said, it feels like since I'm doing this, there's all this pressure on me from my family now like - well now that you're getting married. What?! Did he ask me and I forgot? Did I tell everyone I was while I was sleep walking one day?

I know that they have my best interest at heart and mean well but all this marriage talk makes me feel so much pressure I could go insane.

Well first of all, I'm pretty private about my relationship (except for here of course!) so I don't talk to a lot of people about what's going on. Secondly, my family doesn't want me to get married anytime soon. It's not that they wouldn't support me, they're always up for a party, it's more that they see the importance of waiting. My mom thinks that living together is a "trial marriage" but still tells me I shouldn't get married until I'm at least 30. When some of my close girl friends found out I was moving they all say "oh when's the wedding??" but that's what girl friends are supposed to do. So I guess, no, people don't expect us to get married. But I also think that has to do with the dynamic of my family.

I didn't move here to marry him. If I had never met him, I still would have wanted to move abroad. I moved here to have more life experiences, and it sure has been a great choice.

My MOM is the same way, she doesn't want me to get married right away, she wants me focused on school, it's the paternal people in my family that are acting this way. I have been very private about my relationships in the past and this is the first one that I've been kinda open about with my family, maybe that's what is giving them this idea, then again, I am also moving for him.

I keep telling people, look, I don't know if my relationship is going to work out or not, but won't it be a great experience, aren't you excited I'm finishing school? But they are like, but you're getting married ... NO I'M NOT FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to keep them waiting but I have to do what's best for me in my life, which isn't rushing down the isle with some man, while I've known a very long time, I haven't spent that much time with in person, you know?


(ok I shouldn't call my boyfriend some man, but you get my point)

[ushiwakafox]

Well, LDRs aren't exactly the norm as of yet. Just within the past few years has things like online dating and stuff really become more heard of. I think the only reason my parents were fairly more understanding than most might be is because my dad has been in the military for so long, and they have had to deal with the same things me and my SO have.
So it's possible that a lot of people of the parent generation just don't understand. It's good that you do understand that they are just looking out for you though. At least they approve of your relationship, some people don't have their parents' blessings as much as that sucks.
I guess the only advice I could give you is to sit them down and tell them straight up, marriage just isn't in your immediate goals right now. It's just another step in your relationship, and that their talk of marriage is really making you feel pressured.

Sorry if my thoughts are put together weird, my allergies are killing me >.<

[Sierra]

That's ok my thoughts are all over the place today too. I am fortunate to have my mother's support, that's what matters the most to me. And you could be right, maybe my parent's generation just doesn't understand.

It's funny, originally our plan was to live together right off the bat, I decided against that and since his lease is up a couple months after I move there, I'm going to live separately for a little adjustment period. When I told my grandma that my boyfriend and I WEREN'T going to live together right away she FREAKED OUT, like 'Wtf, why not Sierra, what's wrong with you?' I was just like .... speechless but had to remind myself that she is from another generation.

The next time someone brings it up I'm going to have to ask them to stop, it is overwhelming to me that now they are expecting us to get married, I'm just not willing to go there yet, I have other priorities. Actually, I did try this a bit Saturday night and the conversation ended with "JUST DON'T GET PREGNANT UNTIL YOU'RE MARRIED FOR A FEW YEARS" *facepalm*

[anlgp]

I do not believe closing the distance is mutually exclusive to marrying an individual. Closing the distance gives us all what others have from the start - an ability to be around our SO in "normal" circumstances. With that said, I think a lot of people in LDR's have this component to them that CDR's don't, in that one or the both of a couple is going to have to make a huge sacrifice (move away from their families) to be with the other person. I think it's this that gives a serious component in that a lot of us have talked about marriage with our SO, even if it's not on the immediate or down the road horizon, because we know what kind of sacrifice we or the other person will be making.

Does that answer your ?

[Rach321]

Hmm- I'd say that if you are choosing a particular location so as to spend more time with your SO, it is a sign that the relationship is moving forward. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will marry, but it is a type of commitment in my mind.

We've been living together for over 7 months now. I don't expect to get married anytime soon, but our relationship has changed in commitment since the move. We are more of a part of each other's day to day life and decisions. We're sharing money and resources, which happened before but not to the same extent. But I would also consider a couple who moves in together who are already close-distance to be making a commitment as well.

I guess I can understand why people might, in your situation, make the assumption that marriage is coming. But I wouldn't worry too much about it. Part of that comes from values/beliefs about living together before marriage, I think.

edit: what i mean by that last sentence is that some people tend to assume that if you live together, you're going to get married. Other people don't have that same assumption. The people saying things about you getting married probably have that assumption?

[Zephii]

Is Closing the Distance A Commitment to Your SO for Marriage? IMO, Hell no. I seriously don't know why people are so gung-ho about bloody marriage honestly. However, seeming I think it's pretty daft to marry someone you've neither lived with nor lived in the same town with, I guess in a very broad sense it is a step toward marriage... but a commitment? No

Anyone else dealt/dealing with this or have any thoughts? I never delt with it in regards to closing the distance, but some people did let it be known they expected us to marry and wanted to know if we'd spoken about it or were thinking about it. I always told them "I bought my cat with me. There is no greater commitment than that."


The first time I went to Canada for a visit many people were scared I'd get married. I even had a family member say to me "If you come back pregnant I'll always be here for you, but don't marry him." .. gee thanks for that lol

[Trethsparr]

While I personally didn't decide to move in with my SO before getting married, I would have definitely wanted to be close distance for awhile before getting married if we had not already met and lived that way prior. It's good to be in close proximity for awhile to see how lives mesh and see each other when not only on a visit.

Hmm- I'd say that if you are choosing a particular location so as to spend more time with your SO, it is a sign that the relationship is moving forward. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will marry, but it is a type of commitment in my mind.

^That's how I'd view it, too.

[Sora1101]

I don't think anyone is expecting my SO and I to get married because I'm so young, so I guess my situation is reversed, I'm closing the distance with my SO with the expectation that sooner or later we'll be married. Of course it will probably be a long while but that is the outcome I want out of closing the distance, sure it may not happen and that's not strictly why I'm going CD but it's what I want eventually.