I'm concerned how his new job will affect our relationship...Advice appreciated!

[AJD+JLH]

Hi everyone! I'll make this as short as possible so someone will be more likely to read this and reply.

My SO recently moved away for a contract job. We never intended to be in an LDR, so this hasn't been an easy adjustment for either of us. Today, he officially landed a new contract position, with slightly higher pay. He is very excited about it, and I am trying to be supportive and trusting. However, what worries me is the fact that we are already in an LDR, and his new position will keep him traveling the country 5-6 days a week. He will fly out to the job on, for example, Monday, and fly to his city on Friday very late or Saturday. He claims he is still committed to visiting me on our normal schedule, but I'm very worried he won't come visit as often now. Business travel is tiring, and although he has promised (and he has never broken a promise he made to me, not once) he will visit per usual, I'm having a hard time trusting that. Does that make me a bad girlfriend, that its hard to believe he would go though all that extra effort for me?

I guess my question is, has anyone else been in a situation where, during a LDR, their SO traveled extensively for work? Did it reduce the amount of time you were able to talk, skype, and visit face to face? I just got used to the distance, and adding this traveling job into the mix is REALLY freaking me out. I'm a worrier. Sorry if my questions aren't good. This is my first attempt at seeking advice here. Additionally, how would you handle confronting your SO about a concern you had about their living situation? He is moving in with his friend (who parties too much for his age, is very wild, and has cheated on his current girlfriend who he is LD with) and that is also worrying me.

As an attorney, Jare is more eloquent and persuasive with his words than I am (that's a nice way of saying he loves a good argument, typical attorney!). This makes it hard for me to adequately voice my concerns without being overpowered. His ability to be well spoken is one thing I love about him, but I also want to learn to voice my concerns in a kind, non-judgmental, and appropriate way.

I'd appreciate any advice that anyone has to share with me. Encouragement is also welcome, I'm finding I might need some of that while we are apart. Thanks y'all!

[digitalfever]

I think this is obviously a double edge sword for you. On one end it’s very exciting that your boyfriend has a new job that will probably lead him into an even more successful law career and on the other hand your visits and contact may diminish a bit. I don’t think you should “believe” per say but know that you are worth the extra effort but also understand and expect that realistically he may not always be able to come because of this job.

It’s also important to recognize that this job is important for him and his career which means as a friend and girlfriend support is what he needs from you. He’s told you that he’s committed and that means until he proves otherwise you have to take it at face value and give him the benefit of the doubt.

The crummy thing here is that visits may diminish. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you it simply means work is demanding. I don’t think “confronting” your boyfriend is a good idea. That insinuates already that you are going in for the kill. I’d take the time to gather your thoughts and think about what you’re willing to give and sacrifice in this situation. And then consider his point of view and what an opportunity this is for him. Then sit down and discuss what boundaries you have, what type of contact you want to maintain while he’s away, when he will visit now and how long it’s OK to go without contact. Then realistically look at how often he will be able to visit you because if he is travelling for 5 days a week he will not have a lot of free time until this contract is up.

[squirrelz15]

I think in the end you're going to have to choose to trust him. I realize that he is good at arguing, but would it be possible for you to tell him he's not allowed to say anything until you are done saying what you need to say? If that doesn't work you could write him and email with all your thoughts, then he doesn't have the chance to argue until he's read it. That said, he really needs to learn to listen to you and not override your concerns because they are something that is bothering you. He isn't in the courtroom, and he needs to leave the lawyer act there. I hope you get a chance to talk with him, and that things work out for you guys.

[marbear31]

I'm so sorry about you having to feel that way. That being said, those are completely legitimate concerns, simply because you both are entering a different phase of your relationship, and there's going to be a bit of wriggling around learning how to communicate, especially with the new, extensive travel added in. However, I'm going to echo what others said on here, and just encourage you to rely on the bedrock of trust you've established so far. You said he's never broken a promise; that's promising!! :P (Love bad puns...) Also (going with the whole lawyer thing), he's innocent until proven guilty, right? The important thing is that you do communicate these concerns to him, regardless if you think he's more eloquent, because it's you he loves, and, naturally, he's going to want to know your thoughts and emotions. They are the makeup of what makes you special to him, after all!

I wish you the best of luck! My SO isn't traveling because of working, but he's been traveling around Asia with one of his best friends, and it's not easy with the sporadic communication. But you can do it. Just simply trust.

Have a wonderful day!

[AJD+JLH]

Wow, you guys are so amazing. Y’all don’t know how much your replies meant to me. Not only did your thoughts and insights make me feel better about the situation, but your posts validated my feelings and concerns, and quite honestly, I needed that so badly. That’s about the only beef I have in my relationship – his lack of validation and his occasional lack of support about my concerns. You guys really provided me with some much needed feedback; I feel like you guys truly understood what I was trying to say via my post, which is awesome, because sometimes communicating clearly can be tough.

I think in the end you're going to have to choose to trust him. I realize that he is good at arguing, but would it be possible for you to tell him he's not allowed to say anything until you are done saying what you need to say? If that doesn't work you could write him and email with all your thoughts, then he doesn't have the chance to argue until he's read it. That said, he really needs to learn to listen to you and not override your concerns because they are something that is bothering you. He isn't in the courtroom, and he needs to leave the lawyer act there.

I really, really benefited from what you said here, squirrelz. That’s the exact situation that is so anxiety inducing to me. When I bring up an issue, if he isn’t in the mood to talk about it, he gets irritated and he says something to the effect of “that isn’t rational thinking/logical thinking because of…(insert argument points a, b, and c here)”. I like the idea of trying to write a clear e-mail. That will keep me from making a mistake when he starts running away with the conversation and throwing out evidence based arguments at me that sound really nice and professional. It’s not that we argue – it’s just that he dominates the conversation and takes the conversation out of my hands, to a point where I have lost my opportunity to voice my concerns. I don’t want y’all thinking we are fighting though! We aren’t. We are happy, but I just want to improve our communication and see that facet of our relationship grow. Believe it or not, he wants the same thing, and we discuss things like communication a lot. It can just be hard to break our habits – mine of being too shy, and his of running away with the conversation.

I'm so sorry about you having to feel that way. That being said, those are completely legitimate concerns, simply because you both are entering a different phase of your relationship, and there's going to be a bit of wriggling around learning how to communicate, especially with the new, extensive travel added in. However, I'm going to echo what others said on here, and just encourage you to rely on the bedrock of trust you've established so far. You said he's never broken a promise; that's promising!! :P (Love bad puns...)

This was by far the sweetest and most validating thing I’ve heard from a friend/contact when asked for advice about my relationship. You don’t know how much that meant to me, and I truly appreciate that validation! Thank you for giving me permission to have concerns. I’m very tough on myself, and since I love Jare so much, if he says I shouldn’t worry about something, I get mad at myself or blame myself if I do. Although my SO thinks I just over worry about things, you said exactly how I feel – I’m concerned about all these changes that are happening in our relationship and how they will affect us. And you’re also right in that I should just trust him – I’ve been with him for over a year, and he has never broken a promise or lied to me.

So everyone, thank you for taking time out of your busy days to respond to me, give me your thoughts, and generally just be there for me. It’s hard when he is gone to stay strong, as his love and voice and friendship is the very thing that makes me strong to begin with. But, hopefully the longer we are in this distance situation, the easier it will become. So, hugs everyone! You all are the best. If anyone has more insight to share or a light to shed on the situation, post! Cause it makes me smile to see that other people out there care and do understand how I feel.