Trying to Make Mom and SO Get Along...

[carolynred]

For the first time EVER, my mother is making a problem with someone I am dating. My SO (Jacob) and her are kind of butting heads at the moment and I'm looking for some advice on this.

Recently I received wisdom teeth surgery. All went well with it, but today my mother told me she feels like my SO isn't the same anymore. She asked me if he tries to control my life, which he doesn't. Mom said he told her in almost a commanding way to go back with me when I went into the room for surgery because he had done it before and knew it was like. She said he acted demanding again when we got home. My dog barks when people leave, and when Jacob had to leave my mom said he commanded her to pick the dog up so she wouldn't bark and wake me up (that's the way the dog works lol).

Mom began crying though, which confused me because I was not expecting that. I asked her why she was upset and she said its because she wants to make sure I am ok. I am SO confused because Jacob and I have not encountered any problems or huge arguments, and I've felt so happy being with him. I've never had to go to her upset like I had with my past boyfriends. I reassured her that I'm very happy with Jacob, which I truly am. She said that it made her feel better when I told her he was not controlling over me.

My assumption is that I have two people who are both protective of me coming into a small clash. Mom said she realizes she might just be in protective mode and could be taking his advice the wrong way. I asked Jacob about the interactions with my Mom, and he said he didn't realize that what he said would hurt her and all he wanted to do was help me during my recovery. He said he would never want to hurt anyone in my family since he has grown to care about them too.

All of this is just making my head spin though. It's really important to me that my parents approve of him. Both Mom and Dad told me they like him very very much though. I'm going to talk to Jacob more about it and maybe just caution him about how to approach my Mom in these cases. Otherwise, any advice on how to deal with this or why this is happening? Thanks!

[floridaellen]

I think it was probably just two comments that may have seemed harsher than intended due to stress.

I think it will blow over since they do like him.

[Zephii]

The way I see it is this: Jacob needs to respect your mum and not boss her around.

Now one huge thing I learnt from my last realtionship is listen to the people closest to you. It is often hard for them to come to you and say something negative about your partner, but they will see sides of potential mates that you do not.

Right now I'd suggest telling Jacob to cool it, and then just wait and see if things blow over.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

Its a terrible place to be. But I would get the other side of the story from your SO first. If he was being demanding of your mother, she may have gotten the idea that he's that intense with you. Figure out what's going on first before you panic.

The thing that you have to realize though is that it is not YOUR job to make your family like your boyfriend and vice versa. This is something that took me a long long time to figure out. If your family feels he is being disrespectful in any way, you can make him aware of it, but you can't force him to change. Its the same with your family. If you get his side of the story and he says "OH I was just really worried and I didn't mean to come across so demanding" you can forward that message to your mom, but it won't make much of a difference until he acts differently next time, or she is looking at his actions with different eyes. Just be careful...if you end up just bouncing messages back and fourth between possessive mom and possessive boyfriend its going to become exhausting, frustrating and only more painful for you.

Be honest and open with your SO and with your mom about this. DON'T pick sides. That's burning bridges you don't need to burn. I'm very close to my family and my sister absolutely HATES my SO and my parents have a hard time deciding whether they like him or not. In the beginning it really hurt me. As time has moved on, I guess I've become a little more mature. I've spoken my peace to my family and my boyfriend, and left the rest up to them. If THEY are meant to have a relationship, it will form with time. If not, I expect them to be mature enough to handle civility. The most important thing is to realize that your mom loves you, and your boyfriend loves you. And out of that love for you, they should respect other relationships in your life because those are your decisions. Its not a loved ones job to LIKE what you're doing. But it is their job to LOVE you.

[carolynred]

Thank you all for the advice. I talked with Jacob and a lot of it was just plan mis-communication or misunderstanding between the two. I sat down and talked with my mother again and I listened to what her side was as well. Turns out they both had two different ideas of what Jacob had said, but he felt bad and apologized to her over the phone and hopes to tell her in person that he is sorry about it all.

I guess I shouldn't have panicked so early, just not used to all of this I guess. It looks like they are going to be just fine, some time will help to smooth it all out.

[Engel]

The way I see it is this: Jacob needs to respect your mum and not boss her around.

Now one huge thing I learnt from my last realtionship is listen to the people closest to you. It is often hard for them to come to you and say something negative about your partner, but they will see sides of potential mates that you do not.

Right now I'd suggest telling Jacob to cool it, and then just wait and see if things blow over.

I would believe my mother over anybody else in the world. period.

and I would never admit someone treating my mother like this. But thatīs just me.

[cybunny]

Ya I could never see myself using a demanding tone towards any elder let alone my so's mom! I guess you need to talk with him and address the issue! All he needed to do was ask you mom nicely to get the dog so it would not wake you.

[Bethypoo]

I agree with Zephii 100%

[carolynred]

I just want to clarify that from both sides heard and all, Jacob said he made suggestions and that he was never trying to tell my mom what to do. Mom admits she took it the wrong way because she has been super stressed out and her and I always end up taking things the wrong way because that's just how we are. They are both fine now.

[carolynred]

I'm just going to head and close this since they are ok again.