kinda falling apart

[brianlookup]

Our relationship is falling apart because I have serious issues. I have SEVERE trust issues. And I was wondering if anyone else is the same or was? How did you overcome this? Thanks in advance

[Lyric]

Well, I guess my first question is has he (not anyone else!) given you any reason not to trust him? Because advice would be totally different depending on the answer to that.

[brianlookup]

Its a her and no she hasn't, I just start getting all these irrational thoughts.

[Lyric]

Oops.. haha sorry. Look at me ASSuming. I'll come back when I have two hands to type with.

[floridaellen]

Unfortunately trust issues are a big deal in a relationship and hard to overcome. My SO and I have had to overcome some trust issues and it's difficult but they were based on things that actually happened.

I'd suggest counseling.

[Brieasaurus]

I used to have pretty bad trust issues. It's definitely not a fun thing and as you can see, it affects your relationship. I don't know what exactly you have issues with, but for me I always thought that any little thing was a sign that my SO no longer wanted to be with me. I'll tell you what helps though.

Taking a moment and breathing. Whenever I feel the urge the accuse my SO of something, I'll simply tell him that I need a minute and I'll get away from my computer, or put down my phone and just breathe. Nothing is ever as bad as it initially seems. You can take this time to remind yourself that your SO is sacrificing a lot to be in a LDR with you, that clearly they love you and wouldn't mess it up by cheating, etc. Also remind yourself that there isn't any actual proof that anything sketchy is going on. That you're getting caught up in the moment and that you're just assuming the worst.

Talking it out. I'd recommend doing this after breathing, because you don't want to be completely irrational. Whenever you encounter a problem, you can simply say that it makes you feel whichever way and then ask to find a solution to the problem. You're going to have to make compromises though. Some of the things that you don't like that your SO does are probably a little out there, and although they cause concern to you, there probably isn't any actual reason for that.

Writing out your issues. This is something that I actually found on google. You make a chart with 4 columns: the initial issue, why it's an issue, resolutions, and if it's a problem anymore. You fill out each column for each problem and for me, it helps loads. If it's a minor issue, that shows when you're sitting there thinking "why the heck am I mad about this?" and if it is a big issue then you can figure out what really bothers you about it. Usually if you do this more than a few times, a similar issue emerges and then you can really focus on that. Plus, you can think of multiple resolutions, so your SO won't feel like you're just sitting there like "you just can't do so and so anymore because I don't like it.".

Overall though, communication can really help in these type of situations. Compromising and re-assurance too. Don't let a fantastic relationship and person slip away from you because of these trust issues that can be resolved. I wish you the best of luck.

[efish1042]

Irrational thoughts? I have trouble with that.
Trust issues imply, that you truly don't trust her. Irrational thoughts are a bit different.
Rationally, you KNOW that whatever you're worried about it ridiculous, but it doesn't stop your mind from rushing to irrational fears and false conclusions.
This is often part of an anxiety issue. You might look into anxiety problems to see if that might be part of your problem.
Personally? I take a deep breath and pound it into my head that I'm being ridiculous. And if that doesn't work (it usually doesn't for me), then I talk to my bf about it. Usually what he says is consoling.
For example, recently I got really worried about him and drugs. He promised that he wouldn't, but it didn't stop my brain from going into irrational situations. I talked to him about it and he told me that even if he wanted to, I'm more important and he wouldn't risk me over something like that.

[LilyChiba]

I agree with the talking it out. I have a lot of trust issues, whether they are sound or not, with my SO all the time. It comes from past issues and I find it hard to trust anyone at all. Normally I keep it to myself, but he wants me to open up, granted he needs to do the same. Thinking over it for a time to make sure what I'm thinking is right and then going to him about it is the only way to help. I'm not saying it works all the time, but that's just how it goes.

[Leigh]

I know how your feeling. Being in this type of relationship is at times like an emotional roller coaster. If something feels out of place to you I suggest talking to her about it.

[anlgp]

Its a her and no she hasn't, I just start getting all these irrational thoughts.

you have to separate the irrational thoughts from the trust. if you KNOW they are irrational thoughts and she has done everything right in your book you must continue to remind yourself of this before it gets the better of you.

i know.

[Belle]

I think you've gotten some really good advice here already. I commend you for acknowledging that the thoughts are irrational in the first place. And looking for help on how to fix it is the right place to start. Taking a breather is always a good thing. You want to be able to collect your thoughts and justify your feelings to yourself because you'll have to justify them to her. Then of course you have to think about what it would be like the other way around and about the implications of what you want her to stop doing. Its important that she understand that she is not at fault and that you are not just trying to control her. Show her that you have thought things through and that you want to come to a compromise. A way to support her and her lifestyle while still feeling comfortable about it.
Ex. If you get jealous when she goes out with other people, maybe you can ask her to call you and tell you she loves you while she is with them. You wouldn't be asking her not to go but I'm sure you'd feel more comfortable if she acknowledged you in front of them.
Keeping in touch I think is a very important part of building trust.
So give "taking a breather" a try. Understand why your upset. Come up with compromises. And most importantly, talk to her about it.

Im not a very jealous person but I had to go through all this when my SO moved into a new apartment with roommates which included two girls. I knew it was irrational to be concerned since he has his own room and they had their own bfs (one of them also a roommate)... But it took me some time to understand why I felt the way I did and to be able to explain it to him. I asked him not to be alone in the room with them and got him to talk to me about them. It made me feel a lot better to know things about them and their bfs etc. You just have to work things out with yourself and then work them out with your SO. Good luck.

[brianlookup]

Thank you all. I guess its pretty normal with long distance relationships. this forum is very supportive and knowledgeable. I like