PTSD and a Relationship, Our Biggest Fight Yet

[Sierra]

Hey guys,

Warning this is long:

I was originally going to post this in the Veterans section because it's a really hard topic for me to talk about, but I decided to address it publicly because maybe it'll help someone else who has PTSD.

To start with, I have PTSD. I am under professional care and have been for a very long time. The times it's rears it's ugly head now are few and far between. Saturday night I had taken a sleep pill that keeps you asleep for 8 hours and I had a string of nightmares that I couldn't wake up from. Sunday, my whole day was off, and I basically spent the day sleeping until I could get the chance to talk to my boyfriend.

I sent him a text message because he kept texting me while I was sleeping: "Hey, I love you too, but I'd appreciate it if you left me alone until you actually have the time to talk to me. I'm having a really hard day with my PTSD today." For me, this is my way of saying, Hey, can you make some time to talk to me because I'm pretty much going out of my mind and need to be brought back to work. Frequently in the height of my anxiety, I can't properly articulate what I actually need because I feel like I don't deserve it.

Hours passed. The football game ended, I woke up and started playing xbox and noticed that he signed in (meaning he was at home) and was watching Netflix. I shot him a text: "When are you going to have time to talk to me?" Long story short, we ended up in a huge argument. He said some really horrible things to me, like yelling at me for this happening when he "couldn't hang out with his friends again. AGAIN." I just started sobbing. When his friends need him because they are having a bad day, he's there, but not for his girlfriend? He wasn't backing down and getting meaner and meaner to the point it was making my PTSD worse and worse so I told him I was going to bed and to hang out with his friends.

Long story short, he said some really inappropriate things to me and acted in a way I never would have expected. Maybe it was the perfect storm, I don't know. I loaded myself up on my anxiety medication so I could sleep but couldn't fall asleep until about 1am, when I noticed that he had texted me an apology. In my anxiety medication haze I naturally said it was ok ... but this morning when I woke up, it's not ok.

Today I feel abandoned, extremely hurt and betrayed. I can let it go but my walls are a mile high and I don't know what to do from here. I don't want to fight anymore, I just want him to be there for me when I have a bad day.

I need some guidance. I tried stopping the fight so many times last night but I couldn't, he kept hacking away at me. Maybe he needed to get it out, I don't know, but it wasn't the right time.

Has anyone ever dealt with PTSD in a relationship? I'm worried if this happens again it's going to rip ours to shreds and that I can't forget the words he said to me this time. I love him and I want this to work out and I know he does too, but I'm starting to rethink if he has the ability to be there how I need him to be, then again, I don't know if that's my disease being pushed too far and me isolating myself. Help me.

[megfashion]

im not really sure what PTSD is, sorry. but i can guess its a form of anxiety.

yeh, we both are quite emotional people. i get depressed quite frequantly (due to family situations, i try and be strong then for about a week or so wont move and will continously cry).
he kind of... goes on and on? sort of? if he doesnt like something, itll make him very upset.

its been 2 years 8 months, so yes it can work. but thats not to say we havent had our fall outs, "breaks" (they last max 24 hours :P ) and really not nice abuse. from both sides.

i have a feeling he probably just had enough for a second of being there for you. the SO has that aswell sometimes, especially if he talks to me during that week n doesnt understand how down i am (i can be quite blunt at those times...)


advice would be just text him and say "sorry i know its hard for you to be there constantly, and if you needed anything i would do it for you".

i usually text that to the SO... just letting him know if he was in any sort of need id be there in an instant. it helps him understand how hard it is sometimes.

hugs, here if you need to talk

[floridaellen]

Has anyone ever dealt with PTSD in a relationship? I'm worried if this happens again it's going to rip ours to shreds and that I can't forget the words he said to me this time. I love him and I want this to work out and I know he does too, but I'm starting to rethink if he has the ability to be there how I need him to be, then again, I don't know if that's my disease being pushed too far and me isolating myself. Help me.

I'm going to Private Message you concerning this topic.

[Sierra]

PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I got it because of experiencing really severe abuse as a child. It does come with a lot of anxiety and that's how it manifests itself in most people.

He did apologize last night, and I accepted his apology like everything was gravy last night when I was doped up on anxiety meds, but this morning it's like I've been through a war and I can't just move on like I said I could. I feel so let down.

I wrote him an email but I haven't and probably won't send it to him. It's just a REALLY hard thing to balance and I KNOW it's hard for him too, but it's like asking him to be there for me in a moment of desperation (PTSD leads to suicidal thoughts a lot) was too much for him. I really expected more from him and I'm so disappointed by his reaction.


Florida, I appreciate any PM, I know it's a sensitive topic.

[lucybelle]

Are you looking for personal stories. I sort of have one.. then I guess I'll try to give you some advice.

I've never been diagnosed, but I do think I have a bit of PTSD. I was in a really bad car accident 2 years ago and it took me a while to be able to be okay in a car again. Every time I get in a car I think about how I'm going to die this time. Whenever there's anything remotely similar to a car crash, screeching tires, sudden brakes, etc (which is quite often because people drive insane here) I freak out, hyperventilate, and cry uncontrollably. It's even hard for me to see car crashes on TV or in movies without having flashbacks. My SO is a terrible driver (by my standards at least) and he knows how much it scares me. And he always gets mad at me for freaking out. And yes, I do freak out too easily (like going too fast into a curve or brake lights on a highway) but it also frustrates me that he doesn't even try to drive slower for me.

I guess I'm not a "get help" type of person, I don't like admitting I have problems. I would never see a psychologist or psychiatrist, just because it would make me feel weak. I'm not trying to dismiss those who do, it's just something I can't do for myself. I also don't think that whatever this car issue is is something that really affects my life, obviously it doesn't affect my life as much as it affects yours. So I just deal with it.

I don't know what to tell you. It's not fair for him to be angry with you. But a lot of the things you've posted about have seem unfair. I don't know how to overcome PTSD, I don't know what (if anything) will make it better. What I do think is you need to take some time for you. You are in this relationship 150% and it almost seems like it's physically and emotionally hurting you. Take a day off from being a girlfriend. Just be Sierra for today. Do things you like and things you want to do. Relax. Take pride in yourself, your life, your accomplishments. Write a list about all the things you like about yourself (physically and personality). Try out a new style of makeup. Just do anything to bring your focus onto yourself. You have to take care of YOU too.

[anlgp]

You said that you can't properly articulate what you need in height of anxiety because you don't feel like you deserve it. I completely understand where you're coming from with that as I feel that way myself often.

If the email isn't just a retaliation email I'd suggest sending it, along w/what he did that made you feel the way you do, and that you do feel the way you do. I'd tell him your walls are up as well, it's not good to keep them up (I'm probably telling you the obvious here) and I think if he knows walls are up at least you guys can walk around the bottom of them until you find the weak point in the wall to break through.

If he's not there in the way you feel he needs to be there for you in grips of an anxiety or PTSD attack (idk if it's called an attack but it's the word I use) then he definitely needs to know how he needs to be there if he doesn't. You deserve support with it and that's really all I can say to it. I do understand that I look at it on a similar side of the coin, I've been told by my nurse practitioner I have PTSD, but have been told I don't have it by my therapist.. so I don't know who to believe. I do know what being in the grips of a panic attack is like and I do know what it's like to feel like no one around you is helping you the way you need, through no fault of their own.

IDK if this helps or not..

[Sierra]

Are you looking for personal stories. I sort of have one.. then I guess I'll try to give you some advice.

I've never been diagnosed, but I do think I have a bit of PTSD. I was in a really bad car accident 2 years ago and it took me a while to be able to be okay in a car again. Every time I get in a car I think about how I'm going to die this time. Whenever there's anything remotely similar to a car crash, screeching tires, sudden brakes, etc (which is quite often because people drive insane here) I freak out, hyperventilate, and cry uncontrollably. It's even hard for me to see car crashes on TV or in movies without having flashbacks. My SO is a terrible driver (by my standards at least) and he knows how much it scares me. And he always gets mad at me for freaking out. And yes, I do freak out too easily (like going too fast into a curve or brake lights on a highway) but it also frustrates me that he doesn't even try to drive slower for me.

I guess I'm not a "get help" type of person, I don't like admitting I have problems. I would never see a psychologist or psychiatrist, just because it would make me feel weak. I'm not trying to dismiss those who do, it's just something I can't do for myself. I also don't think that whatever this car issue is is something that really affects my life, obviously it doesn't affect my life as much as it affects yours. So I just deal with it.

I don't know what to tell you. It's not fair for him to be angry with you. But a lot of the things you've posted about have seem unfair. I don't know how to overcome PTSD, I don't know what (if anything) will make it better. What I do think is you need to take some time for you. You are in this relationship 150% and it almost seems like it's physically and emotionally hurting you. Take a day off from being a girlfriend. Just be Sierra for today. Do things you like and things you want to do. Relax. Take pride in yourself, your life, your accomplishments. Write a list about all the things you like about yourself (physically and personality). Try out a new style of makeup. Just do anything to bring your focus onto yourself. You have to take care of YOU too.

Thank you for sharing and I'm really sorry to hear about your car accident. How do you deal with your SO is insensitive to your anxiety?

I think you're right, I do need a day off for myself and hopefully he can understand that. I don't WANT to be mad at him about this but I never expected to hear him say these things. We definitely have our issues in our relationship but this was really him being cruel at my most vulnerable side which I have a hard time showing anyone.

I totally recognize that he may have hit his boiling point too, I just wish he would have understood that RIGHT THEN wasn't the right time. I want to put this behind me and more forward but now I'm scared. I can't help it. I need someone I can lean on when I'm like that, not someone who'll make it worse.

I guess, part of what scares me too, and I didn't mention this before, is that I worry that my PTSD is still going to be going and I'm going to 'afraid' of him when I see him in almost a week. I feel so withdrawn today, I can only hope that I can get over it before we see each other so I can get back to myself. I don't WANT to hurt him and I don't MEAN to hurt him, what happened last night was such a surprise for me.

You said that you can't properly articulate what you need in height of anxiety because you don't feel like you deserve it. I completely understand where you're coming from with that as I feel that way myself often.

If the email isn't just a retaliation email I'd suggest sending it, along w/what he did that made you feel the way you do, and that you do feel the way you do. I'd tell him your walls are up as well, it's not good to keep them up (I'm probably telling you the obvious here) and I think if he knows walls are up at least you guys can walk around the bottom of them until you find the weak point in the wall to break through.

If he's not there in the way you feel he needs to be there for you in grips of an anxiety or PTSD attack (idk if it's called an attack but it's the word I use) then he definitely needs to know how he needs to be there if he doesn't. You deserve support with it and that's really all I can say to it. I do understand that I look at it on a similar side of the coin, I've been told by my nurse practitioner I have PTSD, but have been told I don't have it by my therapist.. so I don't know who to believe. I do know what being in the grips of a panic attack is like and I do know what it's like to feel like no one around you is helping you the way you need, through no fault of their own.

IDK if this helps or not..

I don't know if there's a real name for those moments when people's PTSD really shines through, I call it PTSDing out.
Trust me, all advice is helpful.

I reread the email I wrote and I think it's just best if we talk in person over the phone about it, but I think that what lucy suggested would be best for me right now. I need a little break to recover. Today I still feel lost in the fog to figure out how I really feel.

Thank you guys for the support.

[lucybelle]

Thank you for sharing and I'm really sorry to hear about your car accident. How do you deal with your SO is insensitive to your anxiety?

I don't know. I just do I guess. We never fight, but we have had our biggest hmm "discussions" about car stuff. I'll tell him he needs to drive slower and he'll tell me I need to quit being a freakshow. We haven't ever really come to an agreement on a better way to deal. We just get angry at each other. It doesn't last for long, but like I said, most of our disagreements stem from his driving.

[Sierra]

I don't know. I just do I guess. We never fight, but we have had our biggest hmm "discussions" about car stuff. I'll tell him he needs to drive slower and he'll tell me I need to quit being a freakshow. We haven't ever really come to an agreement on a better way to deal. We just get angry at each other. It doesn't last for long, but like I said, most of our disagreements stem from his driving.

See for me, this wouldn't be ok. I'm not being a freakshow. I just need some balance. You're not being a freakshow either, he should understand. This is the first time he's really been this way and shown so much anger to me, it just was too much. I couldn't even hear the words he was telling me (literally it was like trying to talk to the teacher in Charlie Brown) because I was in such a panic.

I can't have my boyfriend do that to me. I just can't.

[squeeker]

Aww I just wanted to say.. my boyfriend has PTSD too, he got it from severe trauma/abuse as a child too. He has had a number of near death experiences, and lots of moments which shouldn't have had to deal with as a young child (no one should have to face so much abuse!) Your post makes me want to make especially sure I'm always there for him, I try to be, and I have anxiety too though had a much better childhood than him so no PTSD, and I tend to do my best to support him.. He also has OCD so when he gets anxious thoughts they sort of stay in his head a long time and I can't seem to comfort him sometimes. lol. I know I could never really get mad at him. I'm guessing your SO had other things on his mind and just got pushed a step over and couldn't handle it, probably had too much stress.. hopefully you guys can talk and work things through.. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, I'm on the other side with having a SO with PTSD but I can't think of anything to really help, I don't think I've gotten mad at my SO, maybe a bit frustrated at times but we've always made up and stuff. I try to be as comforting as I can and he comforts me.. but I don't know, I wish I had better advice.. but I think just talking calmly with him should settle both your minds, he probably feels bad about it too..

[Sierra]

He does feel really badly and I can tell from the text he sent me last night, unfortunately that doesn't really make up for the words that he said.

I shot him a text, he's at work right now but it just said: "Last night we agreed we can move on from yesterday and we can but you made it very clear that you're growing resentful of me for standing in the way of your social life. I think we should take a break. I don't mean a break up break but no obligation on you to talk to me, spend a night with me, text or call. You really hurt me last night and I need time to recover."

I guess we'll just see what he says. I love him and I know he loves me too but I do think some space right now is important. I'm still just so hurt today I can't focus or do anything, I just want to get back in bed and go to sleep.

I know how frustrating PTSD can for someone on the other side, I wasn't asking him to be my therapist, I wasn't asking him to talk me off a ledge, I was asking him to just be there for me, take my mind off it and make me laugh but he just fought and fought until I couldn't take it anymore.

I've never recovered well when I'm rejected because of my PTSD, he's known about it all along, I've never asked him to be there for me before last night and he just failed so badly.

I want us to be ok, so I guess we'll just see how it goes. Thanks again guys.

[lucybelle]

Keep us updated. Best wishes!

[squeeker]

Aww okay I think time might be the best right now for you guys, sounds like it might be what you need, to relax and think things over, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you guys get through this and he comes around and becomes more understanding of how he messed up when you needed him most and that you guys can make things work!

[Sierra]

I just hope it brings us closer together. I guess we'll see when/if we talk about it. Regardless I'm going out there, I don't want to end my relationship, I just want support and a little time to heal. And I think he needs space so he doesn't hate me.

I'm confused and hugely depressed. But I know it'll work out how it should.

[squeeker]

Aww yeah I'm sure you'll be good. I think it's great you're still going out there because it might be that a visit is just the thing that will make things better.. LDRs can cause so much stress. But it sounds/looks like you'll be seeing him soon so that's great!! I'll keep thinking of you two.