What do you do when communication is a problem?

[MsAngeeDepp]

ok I dunno know how to handle this..

My boyfriend and I havent been communicating much. Alot of time it feels as if Im doing the work. He likes the posts I write on his FB wall and he happily displays his relationship status on every site hes on. But he doesnt take much of an effort to talk to me anymore.

Ive sent him lil silly love notes and he replies back on how it makes his day.

I have talked to him about this and told him because I cant touch him, I have to feel connected to him and he promised to me to be more communicative. That was yesterday..and still hes only on to check his status' on his phone and hes gone. So me being the paranoid creature that I am wonders if hes seeing anyone or inadvertently trying to dump me while he promised he still had the same feelings for me.

He did relay to me that a special mentor of his died who meant a lot to him and that he had dysthymia-chronic mild depression. He told me he didnt want to talk to me about it because he didnt want to be a burden to me and that he assured me he isolates from everyone when hes like this.

I just dont know..Do I give him space or do I let know everyday Im thinking of him. And I wonder how long I let it go on? A friend talked to me and we both came to the conclusion that this depression seems worse than what the doctors are diagnosing at.

[11MikesGirl21]

My SO and I have the same problem. I've talked to him several times and he always says he'll make the effort but nothing has come from it yet. (Honestly all I want is an email from time to time. Or a good morning or good night text. He says they're too much trouble.) I've just learned to let it go, mostly. I've all but given up entirely on it really. I know how he feels about me and I know he's not going anywhere, but something that reminds me of it would be nice, but it's just easier not to get my hopes up. I've dropped off emailing him as much as I used to. There's a lot I want from him but I've let most of it go.

Give it time to sink in, if he still doesn't get it mention it again, but there's only so much you can say to him. It's up to him to make the effort to actually do it. If he feels like it's too much of an effort or just can't remember with everything else going on in his life, there's really nothing you can do. Just don't resent him for it. I did for a while; it wasn't good at all. Letting it go was really the best thing I could think of to do. I just remind myself constantly of the fact that he loves me and still feels the same about me. That helps a little bit. It still stings that he can't text first, or doesn't shoot me an email "just because", but like I said, I've found it easier not to dwell on it and to just let it go.

[MsAngeeDepp]

so just because were having this prob doesnt necessarily mean to throw in the towel? And maybe this type of communication just isnt for everyone? Im trying to be respectful that hes going through a hard time right now. So do I let him know I care about him or do I let him come to me?

[11MikesGirl21]

No you don't have to throw in the towel. Sure it's annoying but in the grand scheme of things (at least for my relationship--I'm not going to project me and my relationship on to you) an email is nothing compared to what we have. My boyfriend also is a very physical and visual person. He's said many times he has tried to write me an email or a letter but he just can't because the girl he loves isn't there. He knows I'm there and that I love him, but when we're long distance the girl that would hug, kiss, and cuddle with him becomes text on a screen and he can't express feelings to just that. The way he explains it makes me sound like two separate people, which isn't the case, but that's the only way he can think of to explain it to me.

Also my boyfriend is kind of the same way. He keeps stuff in, even when we're together. But I've found that just letting him know I'm a phone call away if he needs me helps him alot. Sometimes he'll use me sometimes he won't. I just let him take care of himself. He knows what he needs when he needs it. But also knowing that what he needs is there when or if he needs it also provides some comfort. I'm the same way. Just knowing that if I really need him he's there helps just as much as actually talking to him in certain situations. When I know I need to reach out to him, I do.

[MsAngeeDepp]

ok you make a lot of sense..Thank yoU!

[digitalfever]

I would suggest that loosening the reins right now may be of great benefit to your relationship. While I understand that you love your boyfriend and need to feel close to him it is evident that he is in a period of withdrawal that may have nothing to do with you (I don’t mean that in an offensive way.)

I’d say that if he’s grieving, stressed out about work and the passing of his mentor he’s in an emotional state that has nothing to do with anything you’ve done, can do, or has to do with you at all. I’d say right now your best bet is to sit back and just be there for him.

[MsAngeeDepp]

yes agreed. Ive learned this lesson yesterday

[keypatalina]

I'm in the exact same situation and feel like I'm doing all of the work on the communication end, I think we just need to get busy and maybe let go just like everyone's said so far

[MsAngeeDepp]

I agree My mom said..Go get a hobby...My mom shes blunt like that

[MsAngeeDepp]

I have an update..He did seek me out on FB to thank me for a video message I sent him and he chatted a few minutes..He forgot to say I love you though

[Bethypoo]

He may just be going through a hard time, and maybe, like most men, is having a hard time communicating to you what he needs and how he feels.

The loss of someone can affect people in a multitude of ways and each person handles it differently. But give him time and space for the time being. But after awhile, if it is persisting, you need to bring it to his attention and let him know that you want to be there for him and that you miss him, but that you feel he is being distant. So just let him know. Maybe he is grieving. But if it is something more then you need to work it out.

And NO! It is not a reason to give up!