this doesn't seem 100% right to me...

[danras2011]

hi i'm Dan i'm new to the forums, but for a while i've browsed through this website just to get ideas on how to make my LDR less stressful (in terms of stressing out over how far apart we are lol) and i'm very glad i found this place.

anyways, i was hoping for some advice on something that's been on my mind recently and that has gone on for some time. bare with me, since this is a little hard to describe.

my SO lives in the UK and i'm in the States, so obviously its a bit hard for us to meet. we both love each other 110% and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. but we've never met in person, and i guess maybe this makes what i'm about to say acceptable to a certain extent? my SO has a lot of close friends, some of them guys, and with those guys she is very friendly with them. i have no problem with her having close guy friends, i know that she loves me and would never cheat on me. but to me i think they get a little too close. for example, the other day she and one of her guy friends were hanging out at her house and they got into a tickle fight. i mean, is that normal? (we're both teens if you were wondering lol) this is my logic: if i was there, i don't think they would do that at all, doesn't seem appropriate. but i'm not there, and maybe she needs that kind of interaction or attention since i'm not there?

also, after the tickle fight they watched a movie. innocent yeah, but she was resting her head on his chest and playing with his chest hairs under his shirt (sorry for the weird details lol). i don't think any of my friends would do that, especially since i have a girlfriend, but maybe this is normal in the UK?

it just upsets me sometimes, and i don't wanna tell her about it (i don't like hurting feelings ya know) but maybe i should. any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, and i'm sorry if i wasn't clear on anything. i'll gladly fill in the blanks to anyone who helps and needs more details. i love my SO very much, i just want this fixed.

thank you in advance

UPDATE: we've talked. more of a fight, but the issue is out there. we're both upset and she's gone to bed now. she just doesn't see my side of things and i'm not sure how to really explain it. but you've all helped me with advice so thanks a bunch even thought this ended in a fight, i got it out there and maybe we can resolve this.

[goalie_girl34]

I would tell her about how you feel. To me these sound like girlfriend actions she's exhibiting. I rest my head on my boyfriends chest and play with his chest hair. I would NEVER do that to a male friend, its too intimate. Same with a tickle fight, my boyfriend is the only person I let tickle me. I believe your logic is correct, if you were there she wouldnt do it. Maybe she is just flirty in nature but to me its wrong, especially because of how it makes you feel. Definitely talk to her about it and be honest. Sure, I want attention like that when my SO isn't here, we all do. It's part of missing them but, it still doesnt meen its appropriate for her to seek that out from other people.

[~whendarknessfalls]

Definitely talk to her about this. Those are the kind of things you do with your boyfriend, not with just a guy friend. I would never ever do anything like that with any of my guy friends... and if my SO ever let a girl do that with him, I would call that cheating... But it's definitely possible she is looking for physical attention from guys since you guys are apart. You need to tell her how you feel and see what she says. Because it is not right for her to be doing that.

[danras2011]

i was thinking about talking to her before, but i just wanted to make sure i wasn't over-reacting or anything, like maybe it was natural in the UK to do this sort of thing. but yeah, it kinda hurts and its only right for me to bring it to her attention. thank you very much for answering

[KatieVogel93]

The best thing to do is to tell her exactly how you feel. I've had the same situation with my SO and he understood completely and we both have a mutual agreement. If you really want to make the relationship work, talking to her would be the absolute best. Honestly, I don't think tickle fights or playing under someones shirt is a "UK thing" and should be addressed...that seems too touchy feely to me! I hope it all works out, just remember to be open about your feelings and thoughts!

[nicole]

As a girl from the UK, it's definitely a "her" thing rather then a "UK" thing

I have guy friends, and I have set boundaries with them. I allow a hug hello and goodbye, that is all. Like you said, if it's something I wouldn't do with my SO around, why on earth would I do it when he wasn't there? You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. How would she feel if she knew another girl was doing that with you? She may be young, but if she is in a relationship, she needs to set some boundaries with her male friends.

[Engel]

I would tell her about how you feel. To me these sound like girlfriend actions she's exhibiting. I rest my head on my boyfriends chest I would NEVER do that to a male friend, its too intimate. Same with a tickle fight, my boyfriend is the only person I let tickle me.

my SO doesn't have chest hair.. but yeah, what she is doing is really innaproppriate.
the only person i ever get in tickle fights that isn't my SO is my brother. but well, he is my brother, duh. and we have a nice relationship most of the time, even go out for drinks together and the movies. but i would never do that with a friend while being in a committed relationship. ever.

---------- Post added at 10:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:07 AM ----------

if my SO ever let a girl do that with him, I would call that cheating...

me too.

[leonsfangirl]

As a girl from the UK, it's definitely a "her" thing rather then a "UK" thing

I'm a UK lady too and that to me is a line crossed, i would never do that (My partner is in Canada). Tell her that you don't feel comfortable with it and see how it goes. Communication is everything when your long distance.

[krabuzh]

You should definitely tell her about your feeling and your thought about it.
It might hurt her at first but keep on being silent means that you "agree" and she will keep on doing that since you never said your disagreement of it. Hopefully she can understand what you feel too, that's you are not overreacting. Because what your gf did with her guy friend wasn't a normal thing friends would do. Well.. at least, I won't do that to my friend. That's too intimate, I would say.

But good thing is that your gf told you about it, means that she's being honest and open with you.
One thing that also on my mind now.. Could it be she's trying to make you jealous? Well, girls sometimes like to do that just to see their lover reaction.

[floridaellen]

I'm not from the UK but I would never do those things. I agree with the above poster: a hug hello and goodbye is the most intimate I get with any males. Anything else is too intimate and saved for my SO.

[English Rose x]

she is behaving inappropiately. a tickle fight is one thing, but snuggling up on the sofa is quite another. talk to her about how you feel.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I'm a UK lady too and I've never heard about doing that! Maybe I'm missing something

Talk to her about it. I think it's going a little too far, but that's me. I get she missed you but she shouldn't be looking for it from someone else.

[SquishyLove]

Definitely inappropriate and too intimate behavior for "just a guy friend." To me, playing with a guy's chest hair under his shirt borders on foreplay/sexual activity, even if it never leads to sex...it's weird that she'd do this with someone she's "just a friend" with. UK culture isn't that dramatically different from American and if she says it's a UK thing, she's not being truthful. I would have a serious talk and evaluate the relationship to make sure she is ready to make a commitment to you 100%. Let her know that this sort of interaction with someone else besides you is unacceptable to you. I guess, on the bright side, she at least told you about it, but it seems really odd that she'd think it's OK.

[danras2011]

wow, all great responses, thanks so much i just need to get my feelings in order and i'll be able to have a one-on-one talk with her. thanks for all the advice

[Ms.Justine]

Well firstly, welcome to LFAD glad to have you here. I think that you should definitely talk to her. Communication is key in any relationship and you should be comfortable enough to express everything and anything to her. Let her know that sort of behavior hurts you and it doesn't make you feel solid about the relationship. I agree that's something I wouldn't do with my guy friends especially if I had a SO - unless maybe if they were gay I would have a tickle fight with them I believe my SO would find that completely appropriate.

I'm not sure if that's a 'UK thing' but I definitely believe it is a "her" thing. Just curious as to how old you both are as well?