"A Relationship Is Defined By Conflict"

[LeilaniJoi]

Definitely more defined by your resolution of disagreements with your SO. I honestly feel it's not about the conflict, but how you manage it and work through it together, as a team. You can have an argument with anyone... but with your SO you should be able to resolve things and talk things through, that's a huge strength in any relationship. My SO and I rarely disagree... but if we do it's so much almost a non-issue after we have talked it through and we've never had a big blow up (lived together for almost a year now). I'm thankful to have that type of relationship rather than one where hurtful words and actions are our first response.

[Yaaamiii]

I think I'll have to agree, but I do think it depends on the couple. My SO and I fought constantly during first first 3-7 months of our relationship. It was bad. We had just gone long distance, and we were each others first serious relationship. We fought about everything and it got pretty bad at times. And sometimes we still argue but its never like it was before. Those first few months made us totally stronger and we're closer as a couple because of it. He knows what will make me mad and I know what will make him mad and we just work through out. On the contrast, his twin brother and his gf have been together for 4 years and have never fought once. I guess it just depends on the couple.

[lucybelle]

I do think that "fighting", "arguing", "resolving", "compromising", "debating" are all different levels. Fighting I associate with screaming, yelling, and being angry. So in my opinion "fighting" is not what I want in my relationship. Of course we argue and debate all the time. Because I like white wine and he likes red wine. So we biker about which is better. I guess you could classify that as a "fight" but it's in a friendly manner, not angry.

So with that being said, my SO and I have never had an angry fight/discussion/disagreement/etc. If I have a problem, or he does, we tell the other one and we come to a resolution. I've never been so frustrated I couldn't express my feelings. I've never felt like I needed space. I never wanted to walk out and slam a door. We talk calmly and agree on how to fix whatever happened. So do I think that's important? Of course it is. Compromise and communication are key factors in a relationship. But I don't want any angry fighting, any name calling, any frustration towards each other, I don't think that would add any significance to my relationship.

[Dziubka]

I was going to answer earlier but I was on my phone and couldn't be bothered. Anyway I've thought this through for some time now and I think I disagree.

I do believe that the way you handle conflicts, disagreements and, yes, fights, does say a lot about the relationship and you as people. But I think saying it defines the relationship is too much. What about all the good times we have? The cute surprises, amazing conversations, laughing, well thought out presents, heart-to-heart conversations? Does that not say anything about our relationship? Imho how you treat each other in everyday life, how you interact and show love, affection and respect is more important than conflicts. I mean, conflicts are important, but my relationship is not about diplomacy, we're not politicians.

I'm hopeless at fighting fair. I yell, I'm impatient and I take my stress out on my boyfriend. Does that make me a terrible girlfriend? I don't think so. Just because someone's good at handling conflicts (my boyfriend definitely is - he's all about de-esclating, which is probably the reason we're still together), doesn't make them a good boy-/girlfriend.

I'm not really a fan of all the couple, self-help books, but I read one a few years ago (I think it was this one, but I'm not sure - I don't think it's translated in any other languages than German, though, sorry) and the auther said that fighting or even discussing problems doesn't actually help the relationship. Apparently there's studies to show that couples who don't 'talk out' their problems are happier and stay together longer. I know that there are probably approaches that claim and proove the total opposite and most likely there's some truth to both and it depends on your personality which way works out for you and all that. But I definitely believe there's something to it.

[lonelyinlove]

I agree. I think being able to have a conflict and resolving it really shows what a relationship is made of and how strong it is. I think if someone says that their SO and them have never fought (not physically), disagreed or bickered they are either newly NEWLY a couple, lying or has a unhealthy relationship bc no relationship is sunshine and peaches all the time. If my SO agreed with every word I said and every action i did and vice versa, I dont think that would be a real relationship.Anyone will stick around for the better times but being there during the worse time is what really matters....

[kteire]

Like I just premised my post with, you guys do have conflict in your relationship, you just address it in a way that works for you. "Fighting" is not necessarily yelling and screaming but meant in the broader term of dealing with issues in your relationship.

I guess it's just semantics, but I don't think that not agreeing on everything really classifies as conflict... The more important part of my feelings towards it is that disagreements or conflicts or whatever, don't define our relationship. They're a part of it, but since it's such a small part, it's not something I consider a defining factor. We have amazing communication, and a ridiculous amount of love, and those are what I'd say define our relationship

[Trethsparr]

Eventually she said to me, "Look, a relationship is defined by conflict and how you handle it. If you don't have conflict, how do you know the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? Don't worry about fighting, as long as you guys work through it and you're not pushing each other away, the conflicts are strengthening your bond to each other."

I completely agree. Conflict -- of greater or lesser degree -- is inevitable. How we handle it in our relationships speaks volumes about the strength and stability of our relationships.

[floridaellen]

I thought of fighting as basically having any disagreement, not just as a screaming, namecalling thing. My SO and I don't have those, just the former. I still believe that's fighting though.

In my relationship with my ex, I did everything to please him. I never disagreed with him on anything. I didn't want to be 'unperfect' for him. Needless to say, we broke up because there were issues I just wasn't resolving.

[Sierra]

I think LIFE is about how you handle both hardship and conflict. I defiantly like your therapist. Because it is true. But it is a matter of picking battles and knowing who you are and what you are willing to forgo and what you are willing to stand for.

I dont think love can make it through anything. And people are living in a world of sunshine and bunnies for thinking so. However, with every conflict you make it through, the relationship gets stronger. As cliche as that sounds, it is true. It is figuring out who you are alone and then who you are together

I totally agree. Love is not enough to overcome everything and I learned quickly how absurdly naive this mindset is by applying it to an old relationship of mine. Love is NOT enough, it's enough to motivate you to push through but like anything good, you have to work for it.

I mean I know I have no unicorn pooping rainbows in my closet.

I do agree that it's important to learn to pick your battles and to have a healthy way of discussing problems within a relationship.

Whether or not you're crying because your boyfriend left dirty dishes in the sink or having a discussion about it, the goal is the same, conflict-resolution. Call it what you want, but if you're talking about issues in a relationship, you're resolving a problem, that's what my therapist meant.

As for the words "fight", "conflict" or anything else, I'm really just not going to discuss them in this thread it's not what it's about.

[SDPersona]

Conflicts are good - for you and for your relationship. If we don't have conflict we wouldn't be able to grow, because you only grow if you overcome problems and conflicts and bad experiences. That's what I always thought. Of course, for relationships (no matter what kind), those conflicts shouldn't result in screaming, plate-throwing and name-calling matches. That would be counterproductive, in my mind, and it sets a bad routine once you get into it. And it hurts, too!
You can have disagreements and very heavy discussions, though. For conflicts to go that way, you need to have a good attitude and have a set of rules. Basically just learn on how to fight if there are any fights at all.

Personally, me and my boyfriend have had disagreements and some of those are not solved because it's not yet time for them to come to decision or agreement. That's okay, too, as long as you don't forget it and shove it under the carpet because that definitely is not a solution!

[Rugger]

I think people are going to have varying opinions on whether they are the same thing.

This. I don't consider talking about opposing opinions fighting. I picture fighting as something completely different. Screaming, name-calling, angry feelings. I've never had that with my current SO at all. We've had opposing opinions on things and we talk them out calmly and rationally. That to me is not fighting. We don't have a lot of issues. That doesn't mean we are a weak couple, it just means we don't have issues that have come up yet. We know how to deal with conflict, and it's not with fighting.

ADDED: I re-read the entire thread and now I get what it's about. I do agree the healthy relationships are built on how you deal with the conflicts you do have ( whether or not they escalate into fights), not how many fights you have. It doesn't matter how many fights you have, just how you deal with them. Not having a lot of conflicts does not make you weaker than those who have more. Couples who have less conflict could be better at dealing with them, and a couple who has more could not deal with them well, or vice-versa.

[Bethypoo]

I think LIFE is about how you handle both hardship and conflict. I defiantly like your therapist. Because it is true. But it is a matter of picking battles and knowing who you are and what you are willing to forgo and what you are willing to stand for.

I dont think love can make it through anything. And people are living in a world of sunshine and bunnies for thinking so. However, with every conflict you make it through, the relationship gets stronger. As cliche as that sounds, it is true. It is figuring out who you are alone and then who you are together

[Zapookie]

You guys, working through conflict is the same thing as fighting. Don't pick apart semantics and ruin the meaning behind the question, it's silly.

I think people are going to have varying opinions on whether they are the same thing.

When I think fighting, I think of name-calling, and things like hanging up the phone because one person was too angry to see any clearer, causing them to end up not talking to their SO for a few days until they feel they have cooled off. Throwing plates and physically harming each other I think might be classifed as a domestic dispute (correct me if I'm wrong though).

When I think disagreement (or conflict if you want to call it, but I feel conflict is a bit of a sronger word), I think of the two people having different opinions on a subject, but being able to rationally talk it out (kind of like what we do on the forums ) and being able to leave that conversation with no hard feelings towards each other and not going to sleep angry at the other person.

Do my SO and I disagree on some things from time to time? Yes, of course, that is entirely normal because one cannot expect another person to always agree with them on the same things, or vice versa. Would I call that a conflict or a fight though? No. I can't say I've ever fought with my SO. We have disagreed over things before and we have had to talk about situations that were occurring within our relationship that one of us was not comfortable with, but I would not call that fighting. We simply talk it over and give the other person a chance to explain why they are feeling the way they feel, while the other listens. Whether you think that is fighting or not is up to you, but in my opinion, I don't feel that it is.

I don't think anyone here intended to ruin the meaning behind your question, we all simply have different views on this, and because each relationship is different, one cannot label or categorise anothers relationship to be this or to be that. I think most of us are just applying this to our current relationship or previous relationship experiences because that's all we can go off.

[DemonxOisin]

100% Agree! My weakest relationship ever had ZERO fights. I didn't care enough to argue with him. My current SO and I used to fight all the damn time. Eventually we faught so badly that we broke up. But it made us realize how much we appreciated each other. Now, we fight much less often, barely ever, because when we have a disagreement, we know how to solve it. Fighting has taught us so much about ourselves, and taught us how to make our relationship stronger

[Sierra]

I started this thread and then my internet died. First it seems that we can't disagree on what a conflict or fight is, a verbal disagreement that requires talking it out ... that would be considered a conflict in a relationship. Simply because you don't scream or yell, or handle it calmly doesn't mean you've never had a disagreement that needs talking out.

Couples handle conflicts in different ways based on their personalities, if you avoid the problems in a relationship, (and I'm sorry but I DO NOT believe people when they say their relationship has no issues at all, to me that's indicative of a huge problem) you aren't doing yourself or your SO any favors. You aren't strengthening your bond, but weakening it because you're refusing to address issues, concerns or thoughts that you may have about your relationship or the other person.

I disagree. My SO and I have never fought, but we've had disagreements that we handled calmly. We both hate confrontation, and would rather talk things out and say what we both feel while respecting the other person. I really love that about our relationship. My family argues and fights a lot, and it's amazing having someone else who feels the same way about working things out without fighting. I have no doubt that if we did ever fight, we'd get through it and still have an incredible relationship, but I don't think that we would be stronger for it.

I dunno, I don't think it's the same for everyone. I'm sure with some people who are less afraid of confrontation it would be easier to handle, but I know for me, I'm happy having one person in my life that I don't fight and argue with

Like I just premised my post with, you guys do have conflict in your relationship, you just address it in a way that works for you. "Fighting" is not necessarily yelling and screaming but meant in the broader term of dealing with issues in your relationship.

So how do you feel about her comment? Are relationships defined by conflicts and our resolution of them?

I agree with her comment. My SO and I fight. Frankly, I'm difficult to deal with even though I try. He's difficult too. We've even broke up. But now we're so much better.

I don't really know how to explain it. But I like it.

Edit: This reminds me of a sociological theory that we were actually talking about in my class today. If there wasn't crime, we would have to invent crime because it reinforces what is right and what is wrong and strengthens our collective conscience. Thinking that way, we need conflict and fights in order to strengthen our relationship and develop healthy boundaries. It's just a theory though.

I like her comment, it made me think about everything my boyfriend and I go through and how yes, we have argued, have we broken up? No. Do we love each other any less? No. If anything I feel confident, happy and secure that I can be vulnerable and afraid, I can express concerns to him and we can come to a fair resolution. I do agree with her that without this, there would be no relationship.

I think that conflict management and resolution DOES help define your relationship.

I look at my Grandma, a product of denial. She's had TWO relationships in her whole life, both resulted in marriages to alcoholics in which she was completely miserable. Because of her fear to address issues in the relationship she ended up with horrible men, her lack of willingness to address issues in the relationship defines both of those relationships as disfunctional.

I don't think fighting in itself makes you a stronger couple, fights usually suggest there are issues between you and if you fight regularly that isn't a good sign of being a strong unity as a couple. to me it's not the fight or the conflict that makes you a stronger couple, it's the commitment to stay together no matter what and work through the bad times and come through them on the other side with a full sense of love for your partner.

having a full sense of commitment for each other through all different situations is a better bond than fighting. My SO and I have had a few disagreements but they're few and far between. I do agree that once you've had a large disagreement in a relationship it is nice to see how the other person handles it. How someone fights/deals with it and sorts it out says a lot about if they are in the relationship for the long haul.

Eh, my therapist who's a family/marriage specialist totally disagrees. She said that it's healthy for some couples to fight on a regular basis. We're not talking about plate throwing, screaming, punching and berating, we're talking about talking over issues and addressing them. While yes, if you find yourself discussing the same problems over and over again this can show the flaws in a relationship, BUT it also shows a couples willingness to fight for the relationship.

Do you fault a couple for being in counselling or do you see this as a couple being weak and flawed? To me I see it as a couple trying to work through their issues that they can't on their own and there's nothing unhealthy about it, I actually think the opposite of the couple.


You guys, working through conflict is the same thing as fighting. Don't pick apart semantics and ruin the meaning behind the question, it's silly.