How to move on?

[Arae]

Hello, I'm new to this site and just need some advice on moving on. Last year around January, things ended with my SO and I..we were still friends and we talked still but he still said some things to make me think we still had a chance. It wasn't just once I was lead on to believe this, it was a lot. Four months later, I got on face book and he was engaged. I was so shocked, I hadn't even known he was dating someone, and knowing him he wouldn't of just gotten engaged in those 4 months so it had to of been going on for a while (While we were still in a LDR) . I deleted him from everything and said my goodbyes. I just needed to cut off contact. How do you compete with someone who is physically with them and your 5,000 + miles away. We had been dating for a little more then 4 years and I was suppose to have moved to another country to be with him. I was very shaken up for the next few months and I thought I was over it all, I was doing great. Until I got on facebook again yesterday and on my "who you may know" pops up, I saw the girl he got engaged to, (they are now married). I hate it, but I'm a mess all over again...I'm still in love with him completely, and I got kicked by reality. People have said countless times to me that in time I will heal..its been almost a year...and I'm worse then when I walked away.

I just need some advice on what I can do to I guess, "fall out of love", with this man.

[snow_girl]

There is no magic cure to get over someone. It does take time and there isn't really anything you can do about it. Try not to think about it, think of the things that made him not a good boyfriend. Really though, you're just going to have to let time heal your wounds.

[ushiwakafox]

To be honest, it sounds like you're being very strong about it all. Cutting all ties from this guy must have been so hard, but you know that it's the best thing to do so that you can move on.

I think it's understandable that you're still a bit shaken even after almost a year. Four years is a lot of time to form bonds - it may take some time to remove them. But I think you're doing the right things. But like snow_girl said, there is no magic quote or forum that will make the pain go away. Keep yourself surrounded with your friends and family, and even an online community such as this one, but one that deals with what you're going through. It may even be helpful to see a therapist. I'm not saying you're crazy, but it can be very helpful for you to maybe let locked up feelings out, and maybe even do more things to help you heal.

Keep being strong, soon all of this will be in your past where it belongs

[Isla]

Distraction is key. I can only imagine what you're going through, but I think distraction is the best way around those awful feelings. Maybe you can take up a new hobby and take advantage of a crappy situation

Enjoy being able to do everything for yourself and not having to answer to a second party every time you make a decision. Freedom, my friend can be awesome.

[Engel]

Do you still have feelings for him?
I know it is hard, but he is married now. He was an a-hole to you, but lets just hope he really loves his wife and is being faithful and sincere with her.

block her Facebook profile, block his Facebook profile, block any profiles of anyone that may make you feel like that. so no pop ups will show and make you go back to it.

there is not much else you ca do, besides giving it time, Im sorry you have to go through all that.

[greensweatergirl]

You were in what sounds like a very serious relationship, and you were in it for four years. Then on top of the whole thing ending, you were sideswiped by an engagement coming out of the blue. You might be wondering how you spent 4 years in a relationship with a person you felt was honest and genuine, who probably wasn't. That's a hell of a lot to process, and it can take a long time (yes, a year or more) to make peace with everything that's happened. It once took me nearly two years to completely get over someone I had only been dating for a year and a half.

That being said, I do think you've come a lot farther than you're giving yourself credit for. You said you were doing OK (maybe not great, but OK) until quite recently.The feelings you have now were triggered by something very specific - seeing this girl on Facebook. Realize this. Do whatever you need to do to block her, and don't let this one thing negate all the times you've felt "OK". Even if you're still in love with him now, there have been moments in the past year when you've been doing alright. Keep heading in that direction and don't let this one time make you feel like you've failed in getting over him. It's a temporary setback. You were OK before, and you will be OK again.

Other than that, it boils down to time, and filling up the time with things to do, but I think you know this. I also found writing out a letter to my ex but not sending it helped immensely.

[sweetshay]

Distraction is key. I can only imagine what you're going through, but I think distraction is the best way around those awful feelings. Maybe you can take up a new hobby and take advantage of a crappy situation

Enjoy being able to do everything for yourself and not having to answer to a second party every time you make a decision. Freedom, my friend can be awesome.

I agree with this. I've found that the more I go out with friends or keep myself occupied with more important things like school or cleaning, it helps me to not focus on the past and what's upsetting me, but as soon as you sit down it'll hit you like a bad cold.

Honestly, you can't just get over someone that quickly when they were such a big part of your life, and maybe a part of the reason why you're still upset over it is because you never got some real closure from it. It wasn't until me and my ex had a conversation about how things ended 6 months after that I truly started to get over him. It's been almost 4 years since me and him split and he still from time to time wishes that he could go back and change things, meanwhile, i'm very happy in my current relationship and he is the least of my worries.

So basically what i'm trying to say is, although you may really want nothing but to forget about him completely, it probably won't be until you find another love to give you what he didn't, or find closure from it.

[Miramaid]

I am saddened reading this. I am broken up with my SO as well and no words of people around me make me feel better and "time heals" doesn't help. Besides i feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone close to me coz they get annoyed that i still hope things will be good even thought my relationship was not a healthy one. PM me if you want to vent. I know I could use some of it.

[LovingHer]

I am saddened reading this. I am broken up with my SO as well and no words of people around me make me feel better and "time heals" doesn't help. Besides i feel like I can't even talk about it with anyone close to me coz they get annoyed that i still hope things will be good even thought my relationship was not a healthy one. PM me if you want to vent. I know I could use some of it.

I know how you feel. I'm always venting to my friends and I think they get tired of it after a while and just want me to get over it. Easily said than done. It's been on and off in my relationship and now I think it's officially done. I'm on day 6 of the break up and it's been really hard to focus on other things. I, too, wish that things would work out even though it had gotten unhealthy but I think that's wishful thinking and part of the process of letting go. What I don't know is how to get closure from her, because she's the one who broke it off and told me to leave her be and she really doesn't communicate in a mature manner. But hey, if you need to vent, PM me.

[keypatalina]

Wow, that sounds awful ::hugs:: I know the time heals thing isn't very consoling, but I was in also in a relationship for 4 years in high school and found that the best way to get over it was to keep busy, date other people, get involved with volunteering, and just focus on myself. Also, there's a rule that someone once told me and I've found it to be true: it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them, which was the case with me (the first year sucked, as you've been through but by year 2 I had moved on and was actually happy for him). Now, I'm with someone else in an ldr and though we're going through a lot, he's a much better person and fit for me than anyone else I've dated--which I'd never have believed right after a break up. It'll be okay, focus your energy on something else even if it seems impossible.