Conflicting religious beliefs, is this a problem?

[sweetshay]

My SO is Christian. As for me, I don't really like putting labels on things, I don't want to say i'm Atheist or Agnostic because I really don't care for the topic of religion whatsoever, I just want to live my life without thinking about it. I find that it's becoming somewhat uncomfortable for my SO to realize that I don't want to believe in God, or go to church.

He's brought up things such as "what if I make our children go to church?" or "Do you even want a traditional wedding?" I told him I wouldn't care but it's a little bothersome that he is somewhat persistent in trying to make me believe in God when I have no desire to. It's just how I am.

I don't think its fair for him to make me feel bad about it, especially bringing up the topic of children. Also, he has said things like "I don't want you to go to hell because you don't believe."

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with him, our future children, or whatever believing in God, going to church, reading the bible etc etc. I just don't want to be put down about it because I don't put him down or anyone for their religious beliefs.

I wish there was someway that we could come to an agreement about it, at least in the sense to make sure that no ones feelings are being hurt when the topic arises.

[Babypuppy21]

Hmm.. I’m in a similar situation but it’s the flip for us I’m the Christian and he isn’t..we’ve spoken about my beliefs and the rearing of children..and it all boils down to one word which is compromise. I don’t think I share the same views as your SO as regards the whole heaven thing..but I think that wasn’t fair of him to say on his part. I think you’re going to need a frank conversation about it..as long as you both are willing to meet halfway..you should be fine. Hope that helps..if you have more questions I’m around!

[snow_girl]

Have you told him this? I think if you both agree to show your kids all the options and let them decide what they believe then that would be fair. But talk to him and tell him what you wrote here, that you don't want to feel put down for what you believe.

[Sierra]

Religious beliefs and upbringings are one of those issues that people have to consider when in a long term-serious relationship with the potential of marriage, and if it's important to ONE person, it's fine that this is a topic of discussion as it's obviously something that is important to him.

Look, I'm going to be honest, if he thinks he's going to go to hell because he's involved with you, and you're set in your ways and not willing to embrace religion, and he's set in his religious ways, it may be best to realize that your long term future may be wrought with religious arguments and yes, it is that big of a deal, and yes, it can destroy relationships.

If he's asking you these questions it's because it's really important to him, you have to realize that and address them. Because it is really important to some and it doesn't sound like he's trying to make you feel bad as much as he is trying to figure out the future that you guys could have, if there is one (assuming neither is willing to compromise).

[lucybelle]

I was a lot like you a few years ago. I wasn't agnostic or atheist, I was apathetic. I just didn't care about religion and had no use to think about it. Everyone I dated was religious. And though we were never serious enough to discuss children, it was still a strain on the relationships. I always thought that I didn't care if my SO was religious and I wasn't, just as long as they didn't care. They could take the kids to church, as long as I could stay at home. I would compromise for that.

After some years I decided I am an atheist, and my current boyfriend is too. And let me tell you what a freaking relief it is!!! I don't plan on my current relationship ending, but if it ever does I'll be sure to only date atheists from here on out. To me, religious compatibility is something that is important enough to make or break a relationship. I have a feeling it is for your boyfriend as well.

You can try to talk about it. But it might be better for the both of you to end things before they get any more complicated.

[folclor]

thing is he's not putting you down. ^^; I realize that sometimes it sounds like that but he really isn't. You can be the best person in the world but if you don't believe in God and accept Jesus as savior, according to the Bible, you will go to Hell. I am a Christian. I'm dating a guy who believes there's something out there but doesn't want to commit to what it is.

I'm not saying you're a bad person for not believing (as I just covered, you can be the best person in the world for all I know), but I am saying it's really important to him. I don't push my boyfriend and I don't bring it up a lot because I know that doing so will alienate him and that's the last thing I want to do. Your boyfriend cares about you and that's the only reason he's bringing it up. Talk to him about it if it bothers you that much and tell him what you've just said here. Maybe y'all can come to an understanding. but you should realize that if he didn't care about you he wouldn't be tlaking about this at all. He's saying it because he loves you and obviously thinks you're a good person. If he's meaning that stuff as a put down then...that's not the way it should be said or used.

[lucybelle]

thing is he's not putting you down. ^^; I realize that sometimes it sounds like that but he really isn't. You can be the best person in the world but if you don't believe in God and accept Jesus as savior, according to the Bible, you will go to Hell.

I'm sorry but if someone told me that, I wouldn't talk to them again. I don't care what you believe, you don't have to word vomit just because you think it's right. It's okay to censor yourself, and I don't want a single person (especially one I care about, like the OP's SO) telling me directly that I'm going to hell. I would have a real problem with that. And I understand why the OP does too.

[Lissy]

I'm sorry but if someone told me that, I wouldn't talk to them again. I don't care what you believe, you don't have to word vomit just because you think it's right. It's okay to censor yourself, and I don't want a single person (especially one I care about, like the OP's SO) telling me directly that I'm going to hell. I would have a real problem with that. And I understand why the OP does too.

This.

[Josephine Falnor]

Your SO has no reason to try to convert you. He needs to love you as you are, and if you're not religious, that's a part of you. He needs to respect your feelings on the subject. Babypuppy is right about trying to reach a compromise. I think you two can definitely make this work if you're able to openly talk about it with each other, and come to decisions. I think you should talk to him about how you feel about him insinuating that you will go to hell because you don't believe. If he can't get past that, it might cause problems later on, unless you decide to convert (I'm not saying that you should). Ultimately, I think your best bet would be to try to talk openly about it with each other, and see where it goes from there.

All that being said, I think it's very possible to have different religious feelings and still have things work out. Neither my girlfriend nor I are church-goers, but she is an atheist, while I believe in God. It's fine to have different beliefs; you just have to be able to talk about it, and respect each other's beliefs.

[folclor]

I'm sorry but if someone told me that, I wouldn't talk to them again. I don't care what you believe, you don't have to word vomit just because you think it's right. It's okay to censor yourself, and I don't want a single person (especially one I care about, like the OP's SO) telling me directly that I'm going to hell. I would have a real problem with that. And I understand why the OP does too.

and if you believed it was a matter of life or death, would you say something to the person you love?

to prevent this from becoming an argument I will not reply again.

OP: I hope your situation turns out well. You seem very nice so I hope you have a good relationship with whoever you choose to be with. Please understand that your boyfriend is not trying to hurt you, but if you truly are apathetic toward whether there's a God or whether you should go to church, this is something you and he must work out. Please have a wonderful day.

[lucybelle]

and if you believed it was a matter of life or death, would you say something to the person you love?

to prevent this from becoming an argument I will not reply again.

It's a moot question since I don't believe.

[Zephii]

Religion is tricky. I think it's actually really mature of him to ask about the faith your children will be raised in. That's not trying to make you feel bad at all. There are just some thing we want to pass onto our children, and a lot of the times religion is one of them.

Between Obi and I, I'm the religious one. But, I'm not Christian and my Gods don't give a whit if he cares about them or not so we're lucky in that. But, there are religious things he's needed to do (and done willingly) because well, "a witch can not be a witch alone"... or.. basically it's hard to not share your faith with the person closest to you, expecially when it comes to marriage and children.

But like Folcor said, he believes it's a matter of "life or death", he truly believes you will suffer eternally, and he doesn't want that. He's not trying to be mean, but from a Christian stand point respecting your right not to believe is no where near as important as "saving" you from what he considers a very real doom. He tries to convert you because his God tells him thats what he has to do, he's not trying to be a dick.

Why I am speaking in defense of something I'm strongly against, I will never know. But there it is.

I personally would never date someone with vastly religious differences, but if you're going to do it, you're going to need to seriously hash it out and figure what's going to work and what isn't. I'd start by learning about his religion (on a philosophical level. You don't need to believe, you just need to understand) and asking him to learn about your lack of religion. Both of you need to understand where the other is coming from. Then work out what's important to you both.

After that, set down some clear rules. It's ok to say "trying to convert me is a dealbreaker". If he can not accept you how you are, doombed to hell and all, then both of you have your answer.

Best of luck!

[sweetshay]

Although I do understand lucy and how it should end before it gets too complicated, I honestly feel that our relationship is much more valuable than a religious disagreement because there has already been so much time invested in it with religion not being problem, and maybe that's also just because religion isn't important to me... I think as he is getting older he is starting to have more faith. This issue isn't something that's such a problem that it's tearing me up inside, like this is a once every couple of weeks, we will somehow get into the topic, type of situation. He is usually the one upset because of my beliefs and disregard for his. It's also just a little odd because these are somewhat new beliefs of his, meaning he has always believed in God but he is getting more serious about it now.

As for what Folcor and Zephil said, I understand that he may not have intended to put me down about it, maybe it's just the way that he says his view and his desperation to make me a believer may give off a pushy vibe. I wouldn't be opposed to learning more about the religion and I do ask questions from time to time. But, maybe it is time to have a serious sit-down about it, or a heart to heart. I think what I will do, on a good day, is just simply ask him to really talk this out. It's just that for some reason, if he's truly a believer I just get this feeling it will be a losing battle, but again it's nothing I want to end my relationship over, it just seems like it will always be a subject that we can't agree on and it'll just be swept under the rug until next time.

[Brieasaurus]

My SO is the religious one and I'm not. He's Catholic and like lucybelle and yourself, I don't really care about religion. We've had fights over the exact ones that you have (how our children will be raised, our wedding) had and I definitely think that it's a little over the top that some people feel we should end our relationship over those little disagreements.

I think having a sit down (like you've realized in your last post) is definitely a good idea. That's how I ended up making a lot of compromises with my SO, and now we don't have any issues... besides his mom still wanting us to get married in a church haha. I think he'll be satisfied with you saying that you're willing to learn about his religion, it'll show him that you're not purposely "hating" against God or anything that he may think solely from the fact that you don't go to church. Maybe you could even offer to attend a service with him while you two are attending, just to show him that you're willing to give it a shot and then if you don't like it or don't care, you can say that you tried. I threw that offer out and my SO said that was all he wanted to hear, that I was willing to try.

Like anything, I really think it comes down compromises. True, it may be easier dating someone with the same religious beliefs as you but what would a relationship be without it's hardships? So yeah, definitely try talking things out and then go from there. Maybe this is just going to be one of those things that's going to be left unsaid for the duration of your relationship.

[reeseismypiece]

Ok. I can sorta relate to this. My boyfriend is strongly Christian and I'm strongly Agnostic. I find comfort in my own belief and I very much want my children to be Agnostic until they are of age to logically choose a religion for themselves. My SO on the other hand wants his children to know God...Now seeing how were young still we haven't had this ultimate talk but I know it will be a conflict in our relationship seeing how were both strongly dominant in our beliefs. I frankly don't mind my children being Christian but I want them to become that of their own choosing. Not because dad believes in it so they should too. If they are 10-11 and want to go to church and like it then, I won't say a thing. It's their choice and they are old enough to make it in my eyes.
I just don't want them being influenced thinking God is the only thing out there, not that I'm against it I'm just very for freedom of religion and I've seen SO many people follow into the religion of their parents that I don't want that to happen to my own children. I know if that happens they'll become either really into it, against it so much they may resent us for "forcing them to go" (like my friend is now to the point where he's become atheist and hates God) or they'll become neutral and not take the belief serious later on in life. Even I've fallen into the "religion" of my own parents but I'd have to thank them for that because its given me a more open mind to all religions. I'm not PRO a certain religion like my bf who thinks being Christian is one of the best things out there. I'm just neutral seeing the good and bad of all religions, and I've ultimately decided as of now none of them are needed in my life.
I think children honestly have the right to live life without worrying about heaven or hell or God or going to church because children should have easy lives. And I dislike how critical some kids can be, I'm not biased but I have had both good and bad run-ins with Christian's, some telling me I would "burn in the pits of hell" for not believing as they do. Kinda hurts and scares a kid to hear that from another! But some have been very nice and told me it was my choice. So although I like a lot of people at his church, not everyone was exactly super friendly towards me.
It also bothers me the fact that some of the people he goes to church with and are close to have asked why he was dating me because I'm not Christian. He at first did try to get me involved, I've been to his church a couple times. First time I went he said, "Welcome to Baptist and please come back. " and he was always having religious spouts with me saying that God was great and I really should begin to let him come into my life. When I was having a difficult time awhile ago he told me to listen to a Christian radio station, found out that's practically all he listens to. :P I think my life's doing just fine without "his" influence, and heck...if heaven and hell is real and I'm before God after I die and he says I didn't worship him I'll happily tell him, "I worshiped you every day by living my life to the fullest and by being good and kind to others, I assume that's what you wanted when creating me." That's my spin on things.

It's possible to come to an agreement most definately! Sometimes it can be difficult, but you both love each other and it will work out. He shouldn't be saying things like you might go to hell though...in my opinion that isn't right, I understand his concern, but he shouldn't say things like that that will hurt you! You need to tell him it hurts you when he says something like that, and that you too get why he does but that he really shouldn't worry. Don't be worrying about the afterlife when you have a perfectly nice one right in front of you that your living NOW. Just love now and follow your own belief and your own way and let him know your way, dominantly. If you KNOW your not going to conform to his religion I'd set him straight. It's how I got my SO to drop his whole "believe in God" persistence with me. I just showed him my strong will and belief and said, "Look...it works for you, but it will never work for me, but for me I don't need God in my life to be with you, all I need is love. I will go to church with you when you want me but I won't pray and I won't believe, Its my choice, please respect it." After that, he knew where I stood and I'm happy to say we are still in love and still together working out just fine. He occasionally brings up God, but only when it involves himself or if its a joke. No persistence to get me to church anymore.