He ended it.

[FadedSunrise]

It was the day of lunar new year and almost our one year anniversary. He sent me an email that said basically he thinks a relationship would be distracting as he tries to start his business, but mostly that he wants to free me to find other guys. However, he closed the email with saying that if in two years he is successful and can come to the US, and we are not in other relationships, he'd ask to get back together. He also said we should stay friends, but only contact by occasional email.

I initially dragged him online to explain how contact by occasional email=anything beyond business contact(even with my other international friends, I pay for the phone service to call them or get them to get on skype). It didn't get anywhere but I took it pretty well last night and just went to bed.

Today I was curious and sent him a "what's up" text. He texted back that he was "a lot better, and out walking with a friend". Apparently, this ended up pissing me off to no end, and it escalated to where the last couple texts I sent where "you son of a bitch, you don't breakup with somebody while saying that you're still in love and want to get back together in two year", but then also "sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Good luck, good bye".

He's at a point in his life where he needs to start a business to reach something like my potential future income as a lawyer(because he works with sports/fitness stuff-and working for sports teams/gyms is low income, long hours, as he has been doing). I'm...I got quite a few plans. But I just think its absolute mindfuckery to break up/be on break/be some weird mix of casual friends while I'm supposed to keep in mind that he actually does care...SOMETHING? Normally I'm a very very nice person who's super logical and a good listener. There were only three times when I cried myself into the pits of despair. 1) when my mom had a seizure, fell, hit her head, and was in the hospital for a week. 2) last year, when I was the one thinking the same things he's thinking now and 3) now, when this happened.

Sadly I think he's a lot more stubborn than me and set in his decisions. If I am to believe him about his feelings though he's a guy and much more apt to not cave/live by the rules he's set for himself to accomplish his business. Sadly I was a weak woman who reversed my breakup decision last year in a span of two weeks.

He keeps telling me he's this poor schmo and I should go look for other boyfriends. I'm not the type of girl who even looks for boyfriends/dates! I've only ever seriously like 3 people in my life. The first I don't talk to anymore because it was when I was like 12-13. The second I talk to occasionally, but he's become such a different person I feel nothing romantic for him. And the third is him. I'd just reconnected with the second guy during my New York trip the previous week though-and I told my ex about it because, stupidly, I thought he'd share in my joy of rediscovering someone who is now an older bro to me. He said he was a bit jealous. Is he actually a lot jealous, or am I overthinking it now? Even though his nonsensical choices piss me off to no end and even if we don't talk for six years or see each other at all for ten plus years, I think it will still turn out to be like me and the now bro I met last week. I at least am still gonna care-I just found both of these guys completely by accident, and will probably care for life.

With how career driven I also am, I doubt that in a span of two years I would find myself a fourth and get into a relationship with this guy.

Obviously from the tone of this post, what I want is to stay together-there are a lot of resources available in America for small businesses, and information I've learned on my trips(not to brag, but I'm 21 and more travelled than his 26 yr old self) and through my contacts that could help him. He may have had life experience, but the overall Chinese environment produces pretty sheltered adults. The new batch of 21 yr olds are becoming slightly better and more wordly-but he's a bit older than that at 26. I would have been willing to help him if he would have been willing to read things that I say, or go to the offices I recommend and talk to people!

I'm not sure what the tone of this post is. I'm a bit of a guy at handling heartache/pain myself, so its currently past midnight in California and I'm crying alone in my room. Been crying all day at all the times when I'm sure I'm alone but also near a sink so I can wash my red and puffy eyes. I guess what I want to ask at the end is:
1. Given our situation, do you think he's actually right and he's just pulling the bandaid, as fast as possible? He says it will also help him focus, and not fall too deeply in love with me. I never thought these things were mutually exclusive.
2. How should I handle the situation, in general? I've kind of not moderated what I never thought would be my angry and violent mouth today(son of a bitch kind of escaped my fingers...x.x), and so I'm not really sure if that was my big boo-boo(as in "oops, well now that you called him an SOB good luck ever getting your wish of getting back together!)

TBH, I really always thought I would be the logical one who would accept things as is. He's quite emotional for a guy-he cried both last year and this year, more this year. I'm still quite logical in that I don't think his plans for his business life makes sense(given that I did study business in college)...but I'm much more angry than I thought was even capable of me.

[Zapookie]

I'm not really sure that I think breaking up because he wants to focus more on his career is really a good excuse. Are you sure there is no other reason? A lot of people have great careers and were still able to maintain their relationships - because that's what they wanted. They wanted to still be able to have their partner with them as they go through the struggles of building their businesses from the foundations up.

Did you have any other inklings or was there anything else that happened in the lead up to this?

I don't really know any other way to put this so I apologise if it's blunt, but it seems he just didn't want the relationship anymore. And to be honest, if I were you, and this was happening to me, I'd tell my boyfriend to go stuff it as well. If I'm not going to be a priority in his life, I'm not going to be in his life at all. You either take me, everything that I have to give you and give me the same amount back, or I'll leave you and you can be left with nothing. This was a CHOICE. A free will choice that was he made. And your SO has made the choice not to keep you.

I would take up his offer and free yourself. Whatever you do, don't spend the next two years in limbo with a semi-friendship, waiting for him to come around. It will be wasted time.

On another note, if you really do want to get back together with him, I suggest asking him what the real reason was. Have a proper talk with him either on the phone or on skype and really get to the bottom of the issue.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I wouldn't wish that type of treatment on anyone. It just makes me so angry when people aren't up front and honest about issues and would rather beat around the bush when it comes to something so serious as whether a person is going to be a part of their lives anymore.

[Dziubka]

I'm sorry for what you're going through

I'm with Zapookie, though.
Concentrating on business (or school or anything really) is a lame excuse, especially in a long distance relationship. If you business really takes up that much time that you can't even talk to your partner an hour on the phone every night or write an e-mail, that doesn't seem right to me. It would be ok if it was temporarily, but breaking up because of that?
I guess I have different priorities, though. I'd rather cut back on my career than give up my relationship (although I'd rather give up my relationship than my career, if that makes sense).
That said, if I was in a relationship, where we couldn't see each other for 1yr+ at a time, I'd definitely go the same route as him, too. It's not an ideal solution, but I'd do exactly the same and be like "Ok, we can be friends right now and love/like each other, but if one of us meets someone else, that's fine. If we ever end up living closer to each other and we're both still single, then we can have another go at this."

[lucybelle]

I didn't read every word, but from what I gathered he's just trying to let you down easy. I feel like every person who comes on here who breaks up says the one who broke up says "if in ___ time we don't have anyone, we'll get back together" It's a lie and a sham and it's stringing you along. When my first heartbreak broke up with me he said "I still love you and I want to marry you one day" I was young and believed him. But I shouldn't have. And neither should you. I think you need to take this as a real break up and move on. You don't have to go looking for dates, since you say you don't do that anyways, but don't wait for this guy. I think he's already moving on.

[LovingHer]

I agree with Zapookie as well. My gf broke up with me almost a week ago and she was given a CHOICE and she chose the easy way out. I don't think any of us can answer what his reasoning behind the break up is but I'm in business myself and I was able to manage work and a relationship just fine. Starting a business does not affect your relationship with your SO, if anything, it's good to have that emotional support from someone who cares. I think there's more to it than what he's saying. No one is telling you to date anyone else or to be angry. I myself have said a few insulting things when my GF broke up with me but those words aren't going to help you heal. Take all that anger, all these emotions, all these tears and turn it into something positive in your life. I've thought a lot about getting closure, it's only been a week since the break up, but I know that I can't be just an option in someone's life. I deserve better and so do you. DON'T rush into another relationship, just find your independence again and when you're ready, your thinking should be, "I love myself more than I ever loved him." It's not easy, breakups never will be, but it isn't impossible either. Why should your life be at a stand still while he's making something of his own life? You sound like a smart person, have some faith and confidence in yourself.

[digitalfever]

You can’t convince something to be with you regardless of financial resources.


To answer your questions:

1. I don’t think either of these are mutually exclusive nor do I think this is the whole picture. Clearly this is a self-worth issue. Not on your part but his. I also don’t think this is a band aid situation. He states openly that he believes that because of his current situation that he is not worthy of you. No matter what you do or say nothing is going to change his mind. This has to do with how he see’s himself in comparison to you and others around him.
2. I think you should back off and give yourself some time. I understand that you want to get back together but the reality is you are broken up and you both need a week or two to breath and get through the rollercoaster of emotions. Smothering him and pretending like it didn’t happen won’t change the situation. Let go for a bit and come back when you’re not as emotional.

[FadedSunrise]

I think the whole self worth thing that everyone's been mentioning really has more to do with the fact that we're both sacrificial people, and maybe through having that pressure did develop low self esteem.

He's the older brother in a traditional Chinese family that wouldn't be encouraging showing of emotions, and would have pressure to be extremely successful(especially because his family is poor).
I'm an only daughter, but my mom has seizures and shoulder injuries and carpal tunnel and...a whole host of other things from working in this laboratory. I put the pressure on myself equally to always have a strong face and handle everything.

Neither of these things are very good for being emotionally expressive, or, sometimes, for being confident and having self esteem in the way you guys are saying, because there is so much pressure for success that one tends to beat oneself up over failure.

But I suppose this means that I should be killing my hopes of getting back together.

[Miramaid]

I am sorry I know the feeling well. It is a total BS to hear "I am breaking up with u coz I am busy..." and it is even worse to hear "If in a future we are single then may be we could try again..." I HATE FEELING like i am just a back-up plan! My SO said similar thing. This is NOT love. You do not leave someone to may be be with them in a future if no one better comes around!
I am sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing. It feels like death. I do not know about you all, tho I am pretty sure we are all in love with our SOs, but with this man I got involved as never in my life and to me he literally means as much as my mom and dad, my emotions and feeling for him are just as strong. So right now I feel like my parent left me looking for a better child coz I was not good enough. Can you imagine how you would feel if your mother told you "Hey Kid I love you and all but right now it is not a good time for me to be a parent, so ...".
We are responsible for those we have tamed!!!

[digitalfever]

I think the whole self worth thing that everyone's been mentioning really has more to do with the fact that we're both sacrificial people, and maybe through having that pressure did develop low self esteem.

He's the older brother in a traditional Chinese family that wouldn't be encouraging showing of emotions, and would have pressure to be extremely successful(especially because his family is poor).
I'm an only daughter, but my mom has seizures and shoulder injuries and carpal tunnel and...a whole host of other things from working in this laboratory. I put the pressure on myself equally to always have a strong face and handle everything.

Neither of these things are very good for being emotionally expressive, or, sometimes, for being confident and having self esteem in the way you guys are saying, because there is so much pressure for success that one tends to beat oneself up over failure.

But I suppose this means that I should be killing my hopes of getting back together.

There is something to be said about putting on a strong face - I found that throughout my childhood putting on a strong face and putting the burden or (insert burden) causes emotional distance because we begin to believe that we can handle everything on our own. For relationships to work being emotionally open and vulnerable is key. You can't get close and maintain emotional closeness if your not emotionally vulnerable.

[MsAngeeDepp]

Mine just did the same thing..He has to "work on his acting career" . I find it a selfishness of not wanting to make sacrifices

[books]

For relationships to work being emotionally open and vulnerable is key. You can't get close and maintain emotional closeness if your not emotionally vulnerable.

I agree with this completely. I've been on my own since I was 17 and have pretty much always had to remain strong no matter what. I learned to only depend on myself and "I don't need anybody" was my mantra. This I carried throughout my emotionally distant relationship with my ex. I love that with my SO I can completely let my guard down...be emotionally vunerable, cry, tell him I need him in my life...it's all okay. I don't feel like I need to put on any front on how strong I am. It really is an amazing feeling to open yourself up to another person.

As for the career thing, sorry, but I do think that's just an excuse. I'm very career minded and I stay with my SO b/c I decided he is much too special too let go of. It takes a certain level of maturity to really recognize the value of having a compatible partner (not just talking about puppy love here) and be willing to make sacrifices in order to maintain that relationship. Perhaps, maturity wise, your SO just isn't there yet.

[Bethypoo]

I am really sorry this is happening to you.

In general, no, I really don't think that his reason is a good one. If he wants to be with you, then why doesn't he. You are making the choice to stay through the long hours and little pay. I know you aren't married, but isn't love supposed to be about sickness and health and richer and poorer? You are with someone in the good and the bad. He should be happy he has someone like you who wants to be there for him while he is starting his business. I don't know. Personally I dont think it is a reason and would react like you are. But at the same time, maybe it is what he needs...

which leds me to the second question that you asked. I would be super honest to him how you feel about it. I think it is a cop out personally. I think you need to tell him how you feel and what you want. Because if feelings are still there then it isnt fair. But in the end, if it is what he wants and it is the end of his discussion, then you need to just let him have his life. And it may be less without you in it. Maybe he will realize what he had when you are gone. But still. if he has made up his mind and moving on with his life then you need to do the same. Dont let him get to you. Dont let him let you down. Move on with you life and be better.

[FadedSunrise]

I talked with him last night. He said he was initially hesitant about the decision because it was hard but he thought I would take it well and move on quickly. I obviously flipped the first and second day, and also said some additional...very insulting things, some of which contradicted some of what I said the week before when I was on a trip to NYC. He said because it contradicted he felt lied to and it reinforced his decision.

But at the end of the discussion push came to shove and I told him that I wanted this relationship to continue, but because of my long ingrained habit of "I don't need anyone and now that you've decided to let go, fine, I'll push you away violently", I ended up saying things basically to insult him and let him hate me.

It hasn't gone anywhere from that though.

I can't really think of what I want...all I think is that this relationship probably SHOULDNT be, because we're both immature in the ways of lacking emotional vulnerability and self esteem(due to too much self pressure killing it) to each other. That until we develop that we shouldnt be dating anybody. And I think he might have thought that too-that it doesn't matter what he actually WANTS, he's x, y, and z, and those things do not a good partner make for her, so the end of the relationship it goes. I think he thought that, because last year when I initially broke us up I was in the same place of thought...and I've thought about it frequently with the temptation to break us up on those reasons(which are of course, i'm only x, y, and z, and that does not a mature partner make, so we should just break it off and find other people).

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I think we want to be together but we're both acutely aware of our own vast amount of shortcomings. Add to that the fact that we feel a sense of pressure to achieve, and have a habit of maintaining emotional walls, equals...something.

EDIT: to all the comments about the reasoning being a cop out, the second time I talked to him he was crying as much as I was. And even if THAT'S fake, somehow I just have a feeling that we're...too similar. I could see why he would say these reasonings because it would be something that I'd say for breaking up with him.